Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

Becoming at SAHP

106 replies

Tiredandtorn · 03/05/2019 22:00

I’m sorry if this has been asked a thousand times before...

I’m in the position that I could give up my job and be at home for my kids full time. They’re not babies anymore, the eldest is at school and the youngest starts in September. I’ve had to work since they were babies, pretty much full time but now I have the option not to thanks to DH doing well at work and being able to cover us financially.

In principle, I want to do it and love the idea of being there after school every day. I’m already around during all school holidays as I work in education. I feel like I’ve already missed a lot of their growning up too by having to work until more recently.

I’ve never been financially dependent on dh, and although he won’t mind and wouldn’t question my spending (within reason!) I’m really struggling with this aspect of it.

Also, I hear a lot of SAHP talk about loneliness and boredom? Is this the case? With them both at school would I lose my mind at home on my own?

I’m used to a very busy job and non-stop days. The idea of a break from the constant drop-off, go to work, rush to pick up, rush dinner, rush reading etc etc sound like bliss. But does the honeymoon period wear off?

Would it be wise to give up work at this late stage? I’m so confused... and feeling guilty for the time I’ve already missed and will never get back...

All advice and experience welcome x tia

OP posts:
SherlockSays · 04/05/2019 16:34

I wouldn't.

I'd do it now because DD is 9 months old and in nursery 4 long days a week but once she was at school? No way.

I get the whole rushing thing but I think I'd still find something part time that fits better rather than stop completely.

RomanyQueen1 · 04/05/2019 16:37

Focalpoint

That was me, but mine have mostly left home now so starting my own business, applying for funding grants now.
You are never too old to go back OP and as a teacher you could either go back to classroom or start your own tutoring business.
Sometimes my dh doesn't have to leave home to make money, just sit at his computer and press play for pre recorded lessons.

SleepingIsOverrated · 04/05/2019 16:38

OP, I was in a similar situation to you when I was pregnant with DS2. I had returned to work after DS1, because we needed me to financially.
I decided to leave and become a SAHP and still am... I love being with him but I know that I couldn't do this forever.

Is a career break an option instead?

CostanzaG · 04/05/2019 16:38

Just because you don't earn as much as your DH it doesn't mean your career isn't just as important. Don't fall into that trap.
I earn half of what my DH earns but my career and career development is just as important as his.
Absolutely no way would I give up work just because DH earned more than me.

YahBasic · 04/05/2019 16:42

A colleague of mine works term time only and has negotiated with work to do 30 hrs per week, split into 2 9-5.30 days and 3 days of 9-2.30.

Means she gets to do the pick ups and after school stuff, while still work.

Original poster
Tiredandtorn · 04/05/2019 16:50

I’m not giving up just because he earns a lot, he really values my career, I’m not being railroaded into this by him at all. He’s quite simply said it’s up to me, he’ll support whatever I decide and is really quite envious that he can’t be doing it himself!

DH can’t commit to being around on the same day each week as his job involves a lot of travel. He can be anywhere in the world at a few days or a weeks notice. When he’s not travelling he’s often working from home though so we see him a lot.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/05/2019 16:54

So you’re not short a bob or two, go PT,buy childcare for Afterschool,play dates etc
Do not give up work
And it did look like you were prioritising his career over yours he earns more ergo you give up work

Original poster
Tiredandtorn · 04/05/2019 16:55

Focal point, your post really resonates with me. I’m in a senior role too, and I keep all the plates spinning at home as dh is away so often. Im pretty exhausted all the time as a result and can’t remember the last time I had proper time for myself since the children were born.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredandtorn · 04/05/2019 16:57

Yahbasic - that’s a great deal she’s struck there

OP posts:
RomanyQueen1 · 04/05/2019 16:58

Lipstick

Sounds great to me, apart from why do you think the working man wouldn't do his fair share.
mine has always been there for the kids, in fact used to do all night feeds and getting up if they were ill. He has far better standards of housekeeping than me Grin
It's great to be able to come and go as you please, not have to do what someone else tells you to, in hours that suits them, not you.
To be able to do things for your dc that other working parents would just not be able to do.
It really works for some people and is better than them working.
It's each to their own, I loved my well paid career, was hr tax payer at 20 and earning a fortune. Money and career meant nothing to me once I held ds1, my life was complete and I didn't want anything else.
We are all different, some like to work, others don't.

YahBasic · 04/05/2019 17:00

She’s been doing it now since Christmas, and seems so much better in herself.

She’s gone from feeling like she’s not giving enough to either family or work, to now feeling confident that she has the time to commit to both properly.

If that’s an option, I’d recommend (on behalf of her!) I don’t have children yet but would probably be my preferred option when I do & they are school aged.

RumpledOfTheBailey · 04/05/2019 17:01

My advice is not to do this.

I can understand your reasons, but I did this and have been left in an extremely difficult financial situation since my ex left us. I would never have foreseen that in a million years.

TheFatberg · 04/05/2019 17:05

Do it, especially if you think you could get back into your career in future if you wanted to.

OutOntheTilez · 04/05/2019 17:05

Well, you have one in school now and the other will start in a few months. Wouldn’t it have been optimal to stay home with them when they were little? Could you go part-time at least; negotiate to start after drop-off and get home before they do? Or find another job that can accommodate those hours?

Personally I would never give up working and become financially dependent on DH. I’ve been working in some capacity since I was 14, and it’s a pretty hard habit to break. Plus, I’m of the mind that you never know what the future will bring and if I quit working and then months or years later find myself a single parent, we’d be up a creek. The thought of not having a job with a steady income and health benefits for my children terrifies me.

curiositycreature · 04/05/2019 17:09

Im pretty exhausted all the time as a result and can’t remember the last time I had proper time for myself since the children were born.

Think you’ve got to try it then! Sabbaticals aren’t unheard of in any profession. So take a year, and reassess? No one would bat an eyelid if you sat in a job interview and explained you’d had a year long career break for your family. And if after a year you don’t want to go back, then that’s a whole different scenario.

Magmatic80 · 04/05/2019 17:10

Is carrying on paying national insurance included in plan? Can you keep payments into personal pension too? What about changing to a job with fewer hours/less responsibility?

Original poster
Tiredandtorn · 04/05/2019 17:23

Onthetilez
Working less when they were babies wasn’t an option financially. I took extend leave after dc2 (a year) but had to go back as at that time we couldn’t afford for me not to.

All things around financial security are my main concerns and reason for the dilemma. Giving up my day to day financial independence is a worry, even though I know DH has no objections at all.

My job will always be there, there’s a teacher shortage crisis at the moment and I have experience and a good reputation in the area, I’m sure I won’t have trouble getting back in but without my current wage. Which is a frustrating thought.

I have financial security In the respect that I own half our house so worst case scenario and we split up while I wasn’t working, I own half and would walk away with a comfortable profit if we had to sell it in divorce.

I have some personal savings that would last around a year if I didn’t splurge.

Even worst case scenario, we have very good life insureance that would cover all of the mortgage and some.

Lipstick, believe me when I say DH is very hands on in ALL things parenting and domestic when he’s not travelling.

OP posts:
Cozytoesandtoast00 · 04/05/2019 17:24

I would definitely do it.
I'm fairly introverted though and have no problem entertaining myself.
I currently work as a health professional two days a week but would quit if I could.
I'd run, do yoga, grow veg, read, visit national trust places, cook reciepes. The list is endless.
How could you be bored?!!!

flumpybear · 04/05/2019 17:32

I've seen too many women give yo their career only to get screwed over by their husband when divorce hits them - left with no career and due to lack of confidence and rusty skills left with shitty jobs to make ends meet

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/05/2019 17:40

It’s not about the chores it’s about his unincumbered career progression and you are taking a risk and giving up your own career. He will never have to worry about pick ups,school holidays. Immediately all the childcare,house stuff will be your domain

Serious question,what are you going to do whilst your kids are at school. What will be the stimulus and motivation?they don’t need a mum at home whilst they are at school

Yes I know someone will rock up and regale you how they’re so busy round the house,hobbies and some such. Really? Is that how you want to end a senior career?

mclady · 04/05/2019 17:46

I've seen a fair few responses based on what your husband leaves you. Well, I'm certainly not one to see life through rose tinted glasses but do try as best I can to have faith in my marriage.

There's also a few, would do it now as they're babies, in nursery but not once at school. I cannot begin to explain how much more they will need when they are older. On the whole, a baby is happy if it's most basic needs are being met whereas an older child is far more complex.

If you need to work for financial reasons or for you own personal sanity then please crack on. But if you don't have to and if you can still maintain a decent lifestyle then absolutely jump at the chance to have more time available for your children.

SheldonSaysSo · 04/05/2019 17:50

Any chance you can work just one or two days a week? This would give you a balance and mean you probably wouldn't get bored.

Otherwise now is the time to volunteer at school (help reading, go on trips/swimming lessons), discover a new hobby, volunteer in the community, have some me time or spend time with family/friends.

Original poster
Tiredandtorn · 04/05/2019 17:53

Working 2-3 days is my ideal option but nothing has come up local to home within the last year with those hours, I can’t wait forever to find something. Part-time teaching is becoming less common rapidly in my part of the country.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredandtorn · 04/05/2019 17:55

I have faith in my marriage too, but as a child of divorce I’m always cautious, as posted earlier, in the worst case scenarios, our financial arrangements mean I would be ok-ish.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/05/2019 17:58

So knowing there are v limited opportunities for pt posts why give up work?