Becoming at SAHP

[Tiredandtorn]

I’m sorry if this has been asked a thousand times before...

I’m in the position that I could give up my job and be at home for my kids full time. They’re not babies anymore, the eldest is at school and the youngest starts in September. I’ve had to work since they were babies, pretty much full time but now I have the option not to thanks to DH doing well at work and being able to cover us financially.

In principle, I want to do it and love the idea of being there after school every day. I’m already around during all school holidays as I work in education. I feel like I’ve already missed a lot of their growning up too by having to work until more recently.

I’ve never been financially dependent on dh, and although he won’t mind and wouldn’t question my spending (within reason!) I’m really struggling with this aspect of it.

Also, I hear a lot of SAHP talk about loneliness and boredom? Is this the case? With them both at school would I lose my mind at home on my own?

I’m used to a very busy job and non-stop days. The idea of a break from the constant drop-off, go to work, rush to pick up, rush dinner, rush reading etc etc sound like bliss. But does the honeymoon period wear off?

Would it be wise to give up work at this late stage? I’m so confused... and feeling guilty for the time I’ve already missed and will never get back...

All advice and experience welcome x tia

As I said,only I get quizzed about nonattendance not dp Only I get the head tilt

Lipstick

That's ridiculous in this day and age.
our youngest is 15 now but when she started school the main carers dropping and collecting were either grandparents, childminder or after school club. there were some sahp's but definitely outnumbered.
We did have 2 sahd's though.
I only go to all events because I really have no excuse not to and the concerts are at least one per week. I go to support my dd's friends too, when parents may be other side of country or abroad.

Ahh That’s thoughtful of you to go for friends,my mate does that for us too
Takes vids and photos on her iPhone

Sorry if this has already asked OP, I’ve skipped the last two pages. You say that nothing has come up locally that is part time but have you asked if you can go part time in your current role. I’m a teacher and about to go down to 0.6. I didn’t think my request would be granted as working PT isn’t the ‘done thing’ in my school but it’s been accepted to start from September. I feel like it will provide me with much more of a work life balance with my DD while still maintaining the reward, social contact and self esteem boost I get from working in a job that I’m good at. My DH has suggested I leave work but I do not want to be reliant on him and want to feel like I still have a life as ‘mary’ rather than just DDs mum

My DH also travels a lot, similarly to your so I know this will be giving you an extra kick to be at home more. I feel the same pressure to make sure that at least one of us is there for her.

I wouldn’t. You already work term time only and get to finish at 5. It’s hardly long hours. I would stick with it, you will regret it if dh is made redundant or your marriage breaks down. Also assuming you’re a teacher you would be giving up a huge pension. I wouldn’t leave myself so vulnerable.

Im a SAHM and i love it. Just keep busy if your getting bored. Its so nice to be able to be there 100% for your kids. Pick uo from school and do fun stuff.
I spend a good deal of time cleaning, organising our household, decorating and diy at home so husband who works doesnt have to. It works for him as he hates all that and it works for me as i love having the time with my son

You can pay into a pension anyway.

If your on the fence about this decision is there a reduced hours option in your job at all? Then you can see how you feel

Gosh this is difficult for you OP. I was a working mum - I did work part time though until my DS started school and then still not full time until he was well through lower school. I would have stayed at home full time then in a heartbeat and a part of me deeply regrets that I didn't. We needed the money then. However, he's now 16 - and he's had a brilliant childhood. We're a very close family. My DH and I have always been there for him - a lot of flexibility with both careers gave us that luxury. I know I'm jibbering but I guess I'm saying that back then I would have given up work, now though I see my financial freedom and everything that has added to our family unit over the years has/is bearing fruit and that's important now that we're on the university and beyond cusp. Does working in education make it potentially easier to take a break and rejoin at a later date if you want to? In which case, and on the basis that your DH can more than support you - I would do it but have a plan in case that changes. Im so sorry, i realise I've rambled.

Oops sorry - wrong post!! It makes complete sense elsewhere!!😂😂😂. For what it's worth though OP - been there, bought that particular t-shirt and it's not a nice feeling. Try talking to your friend - explain how you feel. Perhaps there's a perfectly reasonable explanation. The one and only time I ever approached a parent about this - turned out there weren't nearly as many kids there as I had first thought.

Jesus!! I think I'll put my phone down and step away from it!! The second post is incorrectly placed! I'm off to pour another wine and tie my hands behind my back. 🙇‍♀️

Don’t! It’s left me in a very vulnerable position after I gave up my career, moved to ex’s country and then he cheated on me and left the family.

I’d have never thought he was the type to do it

Everyone has a different view on this and its one of those decisions that's impossible to make.

I'm all for planning for future but I also have faith in my marriage and don't feel the need to ensure I have separate finances in case my husband leaves me. Although he brings in most of the family income (I work PT with lower income), I have full access and control of all our finances and know exactly where we are at. Even if you don't control finances OP, I imagine you are in a similar position in terms of equality with your husband and money.

Posters tend to feel very strongly on this subject and while I don't disagree with what Lipstick says, I would not be happy living the life she does. I want to be at home when they come back from nursery/school, I want to be there for playdates, toddler groups, assemblies etc rather than be at work. I am happy for my career to stand still instead of progress while they are young and I feel like I am the lucky one to be able to reduce my working hours considerably to do it. I don't feel like I am making a sacrifice and I guess that is the fundamental difference. Whereas if Lipstick was in my shoes, she would resent having to put her career on hold and be default childcare. Nothing wrong with either option, just a case of what works for you.

If sabbatical or part time is an option, I would try it out first and then make your choice.

Good post cantlivewithoutcoffee,overall agree.
I must of course emphasise I want to be at day events it’s just not always possible
Not a case of I have the ability and time to attend but won’t,it’s a straight cant. However I don’t give it much thought as I said it is as it is
Totally recommend anyone considering giving up career weigh up pro/cons. Have a back up plan

For those saying don't give up work, would you say the same if a man was asking the question?! I'm interested as my husband gave up work and everything money wise is 50/50, I may earn it but him being at home enables me to work long hours when I need to and be away if need be. I 100% appreciate that but he appreciates what I do. I don't need to worry that my children are in too much childcare or that my son with ASD is suffering (he probably wouldn't cope with breakfast/after school club too). It IS possible for this to be the case the other way around.

Also another teacher taking a break at the end of the year. We are somewhat lucky that there is a huge crisis at the moment so could go back if it wasn't ideal. I'm different in this sense because I know I won't return to the classroom. I would say OP think very carefully because if you are higher management you are going to be high on the pay scale and that might put off lots of schools given the current funding crisis so of you do dislike it and your location is restricted, it might not be as easy as you had hoped to return

Anytime same response
weigh up pro/ cons,
don’t become financially dependent on partner
Don’t completely give up work,go PT keep hand in
Have a back up plan
Don’t get burdened by parental guilt it’s a social construct,a stick to beat working parents.

Good post @cantlivewithoutcoffee I think it sums it up quite well.

I simply couldn't imagine going back to work while DS is still so young, I don't feel I am putting anything on hold, sacrificing anything or have lost myself and lonely. I absolutely love it and I would feel I was sacrificing something if I went back to work, so everyone is different.

I think if you are in a position where it is feasible for you to now be at home and you would like to explore that, as PP have mentioned is there a way of taking a sabbatical maybe.

If not, I suppose it just down to how much you want to do it and only you really know that.

I know what you mean Lipstick when you say can't, I also can't attend on my working days which is why my contracted hours are just 2 days per week and I am self employed on additional days to give me that flexibility.

Anytime, our relationship works very much like yours. Me being around most of the week, picking up the majority of the childcare allows him to progress further in his career. We both are professionals on decent salaries but I work for public sector and him for private so his earning potential is greater than mine in current climate. Before kids, we had stages where I earned more and others where he did. After kids, we both agreed we would prefer for one of us to take the hit in terms of career and earning so the other could progress without restrictions. Coupled with me wanting to be at home more with the kids and my career lending itself well to part time working therefore allowing me to keep my hand in, the decision was clear cut.

I feel its such a personal decision to make and completely based on each families' circumstances. Others judging working or SAH mums makes me so mad because we aren't the same

I wouldn’t do it. I did it for a while and I hated it. It changed the dynamic between DH and me and I was shocked at how uncomfortable I felt at being completely financially dependent on him - even though I’m 50:50 on the deeds of our house, etc. I just kept thinking “if he were to drop down dead now, I’d be fucked, I’d never be able to work again.” Which sounds incredibly dramatic but is just an indicator of how vulnerable I suddenly felt being completely out of employment.

DH didn’t act any different towards me but I started acting different towards him because I really struggled with losing my identity and sense of purpose. If he mentioned money was getting a bit tight towards the end of the month I’d fly off he handle and take it as a personal criticism that I wasn’t pulling my weight. I guess because I’ve always, always worked and always been financially independent. It was too weird for me. After about a year I went back to work. For me (and this has cons as well as pros) I’ve need to feel as if I’d always be okay if the shit hit the fan. And when I was a SAHM I didn’t feel like that.

Personal decision with a huge societal pressure heaped on women.all in the mix
There’s social construct of good mother and it usually polarises against the career woman who’s deemed to be uncaring or avaricious
So yes it’s personal but drawing upon a huge sociopolitical & gender backdrop

Cheesecakadict. I’m aware of the pay risk with leaving a management post. It’s a big concern for going back in the future. But with perhaps going part time, I’d lose that anyway but would hopefully retain upper pay scale working pt.

Thank you all so much for your posts. I’ve given myself this long weekend to come to a final decision, one way or the other, I’ve been brewing on it for too long and just need to decide and stick to it now.

You and I have the same dilemma so thank you for the thread. Financial independence vs an end to the constant rush/daily guilt. Interesting thoughts from all the responders. My DH is physically away often too, meaning the childcare falls to me. It's tricky.

I think societal pressure is felt by most women wether they are SAHP or working parents.

I think SAHM can be made to feel like they are not towing the line for the independence of women and feminism etc
I think working mums can be made to feel as @LipstickHandbagCoffee Says uncaring and avaricious.

I think you just need to be comfortable in the decision you make for yourself and your family. That is the only one that matters, we are all just trying to do what we think is best for our children.

Completely different choices but 100% agree with Lipstick
By sheer luck it's worked out for me and dh, if it all went wrong now we'd walk away with a house each. Neither has a pension but we have a separate income for pension provision.
Kids are mostly grown up and we are ok financially, a bit more would be nice as we are low income, but not very materialistic at all.
We feel pretty much like we've done it, were talking about it this week.

However, it could have been so different if he'd been a bad un. We weren't even married when ds1 was born, I'd have been left with nothing, and dh wasn't a great earner.
All you need is a run of bad luck for it all to come tumbling down.
We need to give ourselves as many cushions as we can.
Nobody knows what's round the corner. Apart from me with my psychic gifts