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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

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Original poster

Becoming at SAHP

106 replies

Tiredandtorn · 03/05/2019 22:00

I’m sorry if this has been asked a thousand times before...

I’m in the position that I could give up my job and be at home for my kids full time. They’re not babies anymore, the eldest is at school and the youngest starts in September. I’ve had to work since they were babies, pretty much full time but now I have the option not to thanks to DH doing well at work and being able to cover us financially.

In principle, I want to do it and love the idea of being there after school every day. I’m already around during all school holidays as I work in education. I feel like I’ve already missed a lot of their growning up too by having to work until more recently.

I’ve never been financially dependent on dh, and although he won’t mind and wouldn’t question my spending (within reason!) I’m really struggling with this aspect of it.

Also, I hear a lot of SAHP talk about loneliness and boredom? Is this the case? With them both at school would I lose my mind at home on my own?

I’m used to a very busy job and non-stop days. The idea of a break from the constant drop-off, go to work, rush to pick up, rush dinner, rush reading etc etc sound like bliss. But does the honeymoon period wear off?

Would it be wise to give up work at this late stage? I’m so confused... and feeling guilty for the time I’ve already missed and will never get back...

All advice and experience welcome x tia

OP posts:

FoxBaseBeta · 04/05/2019 17:59

Wouldn’t it have been optimal to stay home with them when they were little
In my experience when they are little is the best time to work. Nursery open 8-6, 51 weeks a year and they were more than happy to go play with their friends, get muddy and paint each day.
Now they're at school it's getting far trickier, sorting out school holiday childcare and juggling assemblies, concerts etc. between us. They're also shattered by the time I get them from after school club and though I keep meaning to organise playdates I never get round to it.
Whilst I don't think I would ever give up work off my own bat, I will be getting made redundant in a few months and the plan is a period of being a SAHM. Quite honestly I can't wait to take the pressure off and have days to myself, I really can't imagine getting bored and I'm hoping to get some patience and energy back.
I am fortunate though, that due to redundancy and inheritance I'm not going to be financially dependent on DH. Must admit I'd feel apprehensive otherwise, despite having no reason to distrust DH

pinkmagic1 · 04/05/2019 18:05

It is not just divorce either. My dh recently became ill and has got to have a significant amount of time off work and unfortunately he will only get statutory sick pay. If I had been a sahp we would be up shit creek without a paddle. You never know whats round the corner.

Original poster

Tiredandtorn · 04/05/2019 18:09

I’m still undecided, but sometimes, if it can be afforded, and if it’s what someone wants, I feel there are more important things than work and career. Everything is a risk, a promotion or stepping away, just a different kind.

Children will only be little once. Will only want me as they do now for a limited number of years. Then they’re gone, living their own lives. I don’t want them, or me, to look back and remember a string of after school clubs or childminders while I have given of all my time to other people’s children, as much as I love my job, for the sake of money.

DH can’t help the fact that he works away a lot, if he didn’t we wouldn’t have the life that we enjoy living today. That leaves me to keep all the home plates spinning and I’m glad to do it - he works hard for us.

It’s all well and good me saying it, but committing to doing it is hard!

OP posts:

Elena1986 · 04/05/2019 18:19

Full time mum here 👋 and have been for 6 years. You will never regret spending more time with your children!! They are only little for so long. Being able to attend their assemblies, school trips, parent lunches is priceless and something very difficult and somewhat impossible to do if working full time. I've become involved in our school PTA and love it, always an option for you if you decide to stop work, you could also volunteer at your children's school a couple of mornings a week listening to readers etc.

Life is too short so do what makes you happy. There will always be work out there but your children are only little for so long.

P. S. My husband and I have one bank account which is joint, this means that everything is equal money-wise, is strongly advise this set-up.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/05/2019 18:22

Tell me do you have such a fatalistic view of the kids and their dad working
Do you think all for the sake of money when it comes to him.his career.no apparently not
You’re applying a harsh and flawed logic to yourself with a side order of guilt

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/05/2019 18:34

I have missed assemblies,plays,sport days with no guilt.it happens
You know what I get tired of,the head tilt and pta mums saying
such a shame you couldn’t be at the play
And I always ask them where is your dp?
Oh he’s at work,so busy,couldnt be here
Same as me I say

I have never read on mn a woman saying her dp has missed things and should give up work and/or change career

On mn a high earning man get big kudos never reproached for being busy at work

A busy mum is told it’s only money,can’t get those years back etc

Mixedupmummy · 04/05/2019 18:36

I see you've been lookong for part time roles but have you applied for flexible working in your current role to reduce your hours? your employer may not want to loose you if the options are you leave or reduce your hours. you might be able to recruit someone to job share with you?

another idea is to apply use some parental leave to give being a sahp a trial run.

it's a hard decision because it's a bit all or nothing at the moment but it may not have to be.

Spudina · 04/05/2019 18:43

I would worry too much about future/unexpected events to be able to give up work. I have nursed too many patients who have really struggled financially, when they have been diagnosed with a serious illness and their spouse doesn't work. Plus the many stories on here of women whose husbands left them. I also need to earn my own money. To be able to buy a book of a candle or something else "non essential" and not have to justify myself to anyone. Is there a plan for you to carry on paying into a pension/national insurance?? I can see why not working is tempting, I just think it's not without risk. Would working part time would give you the best of both worlds?

Spudina · 04/05/2019 18:45

Sorry just read your post about part time work. You could set yourself up as a tutor? There's a massive demand for them in the more affluent areas where I live!

RomanyQueen1 · 04/05/2019 18:54

Lipstick

Does your dh not go to school things then?
Either me or dh have always gone, to me my kids were more important than a career.
I'm not saying women shouldn't have careers my own dd is adamant career comes first, no kids etc.
But some of us value time with our family over work, it's not just women some men are like it too. You don't have to have a high earner to afford a sahp. It's what you spend not what you earn that determines whether you are rich or not.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/05/2019 19:01

If either or both of us can go we do,on occasion neither of us have went
It’s not something I’ve felt bad about

RomanyQueen1 · 04/05/2019 19:08

Lipstick

That's great but we wanted someone to be always able to go and so do a lot of other parents.
I'd have felt awful being at work and not being there for the dc, although one of them really didn't want either of us there for sports day.
People have different values and belief systems, there is no right or wrong and sometimes a parent giving up a career is right for them and their family.

Mummyshark2018 · 04/05/2019 19:10

Have you asked for part time hours in your current role?

Original poster

Tiredandtorn · 04/05/2019 19:12

Dh and I both go all school events that we possibly can. So we’ve had to miss 2 or 3 each and being at parents evening to chat to the teacher is a non-negotiable for us both, none have been missed by either. My mum had attended performances when we can’t. So always someone there at assemblies etc. I’ve been frustrated to miss out.

OP posts:

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/05/2019 19:16

It’s not great Romany,it’s simply a reflection of fact we had to be in work
I’m not guilty it simply is what it is.it isn’t indicative of lack of regard etc
My kids know,school know we can’t always attend day events.

MollysMummy2010 · 04/05/2019 19:18

@foxbase I agree with you. I worked full time while my dd was small and went pt when she started school nursery at 3.5. She was initially with a childminder ft and then a morning one who dropped her to pm nursery. I changed my hours so I can collect 3 days a week. Was originally doing 5 pick ups but a couple of clubs and a day wfh but I still have the childminder means I do 2 pick ups and my dd is very happy.

thepointt · 04/05/2019 19:20

I'd love to know why people have children if they then go to work all the time when they don't have to

Hiddenaspie1973 · 04/05/2019 19:22

You've currently got the holidays with your kids and weekends.
Why give up?
I had 3 months at home with Dd at reception. I got a pt job after that.
Can you reduce or compress your hours into fewer days?

RomanyQueen1 · 04/05/2019 19:25

Lipstick, you aren't on your own and apologies if I come across as meaning you should be guilty, you most certainly shouldn't be. Paying the bills comes first and like I always say we are all different.
We all have different worries about our decisions too. Yes, even those like me who know they made the right decision still have things to contend with.
I worried that dd would become a sahm because I had, and also worried about giving the right messages to her. Now she says she isn't having kids at all, nor a man as they'll get in the way of her career. Now, I worry that this is down to me somehow.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/05/2019 19:29

And I’d like to know the reason for your Asinine question pointt.
is it a rehash of why have em if you’re not there all the time
Being a parent isn’t a presenteeism competition, its not a bums on seat = top parent
I know what abuse & neglect look like and it’s not Correlated to my nonattendance at school plays

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/05/2019 19:33

It’s not a clear cut monetary decision Romany,I’m there because I want to be

I cannot simply cut loose and unplanned work demands come up

vdbfamily · 04/05/2019 19:34

If you are in education you will never be bored as a SAHP. I volunteered at the school and was also a governor. There are loads of volunteer things you can work around school hours other than school too.

dreamyflower · 04/05/2019 20:00

I'm a sahm to my two boys but they are 2 and 6 months. I went back to work (teacher) after first baby and hated being away from him so knew I would want to stay at home with the second. We do activities everyday, go on play dates, go to toddler groups. Never bored, never at home. I do miss work as I loved teaching but love being at home more. Again I'm the sahp as my dh earns 5 x more than me. I also wanted to be the one raising them full time. DH is amazing and his money is our money- all in one account. We're a partnership. I will be going back to work when youngest is in nursery but that is because I am young and early in my career and want to climb the ladder and because my husband will then reduce his hours to be there for the children after school. Yes, sometimes it can be tedious tidying after two small humans and dealing with tantrums and nap fights but I wouldn't want anyone else to do it. They are small for such a short time. Our careers will be there forever. If you can do it, do it. Enjoy it 😊

RomanyQueen1 · 04/05/2019 20:02

Lipstick

I get you. I think it's much better that you want to be there, your dc will see a happy mum and to me that's very important. It must be awful to not be able to do what makes you happy.

thepoint
It's just not for us, but I can see why others do, as above it's important for our kids to see us happy in the choices we have made. Life is too short to be miserable no matter what your choices.

dreamyflower · 04/05/2019 20:04

Also... just wanted to say after ds1 I went back part time and hated it. I'm primary and hated sharing a class. I did 3 days, partner did 2 and I still felt out of the loop. Reports and parents eve were difficult, splitting subjects difficult and assessment tricky! That is why I'm taking a break. It's either full time or not at all for me. Part-time didn't suit me as I like ownership of my class.

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