Offensive friend (I’m SAHM)

[Lizmum1]

So I’m a SAHM

My OH is a project manager in London and is on a good wage - we are fairly comfortable with me being at home with dd (3) and ds (6 months) I wouldn’t say we are rolling in it as we have high London rent for 3 bed house. Can easily pay mortgage but getting a deposit seems impossible right now as awful as it sounds i don’t see it happening until we get any inheritance ( I come from a fairy wealthy background) - as horrid as it is to even dare think about 😭 although OH is looking at new jobs with big bonuses which could make our dream of being home owners a reality. So I was speaking to a friend with NO KIDS and was telling her that I’m looking for a little part time job but struggling to find anything as I’m very limited on hours. I have no family or friends that don’t work full time themselves other than my mum who’s a hour away and cares for my grandparents who’s kindly offered a day a week to have my DCS for me to work and one other day I would work Saturdays and maybe the odd Sunday. We are not desperate for the money but I’d like a little freedom and independence as I’ve struggled feeling like I rely on my OH financially. My little wage would go on dcs savings and a few things for myself here and there. When i said to my friend I don’t know how other mums work full time ( meaning as in they’re super mums) she jumped down my throat saying her mum went straight back to work full time after her and her siblings. When I said I’d find it impossible she told me my jobs are just evening jobs!

For one, I’d bloody love to work full time but we worked out childcare for a baby and a toddler and it worked out we would be £-60-70 a day with me working full time!! I’d need to leave the kids 10-12 hours in care everyday plus pay a dog walker and someone to muck out my horses.

Daily I do the nursery run which is a 3 hour day so it’s a nightmare going back and fourth. We pay for nursery too. The morning routine takes a hour and a half itself. I spend 3-4 hours cleaning the house as it’s a fair size and gets dirty very fast if not cleaned daily. I have BAD ocd so have to hoover and mop and clean the kitchen and bathroom daily especially having a long haired dog. I take the dog out daily as well as seeing to both horses twice a day early and afternoon I take the dog to the groomers I do dump runs gardening 2 lots of swimming lessons a week all my own diy and decorating I help with my grandparents I attend a baby group I batch make all my DS baby food he also has regular paediatrician appointments for allergies. I cook home made every night often 2 separate meals as some things me and OH eat my toddler wouldn’t (she’s not fussy but I’m talking hot curry/ stir fry’s etc) I do field maintenance like poo shovelling and fencing a couple of days a week for 2 hours with both dcs in tow. I have vet farrier appointments for horses, all our family appointments, food shopping, overflowing laundry and ironing (2 loads a day) then there’s putting it all away and doing towels and bedding. I bath the dcs every night and have to blow dry dds hair as it’s fairly long then i do the bedtime routine for both around 7pm after that me and OH have our dinner and I clean up after that and feed the dog. I also do meal plans and all the food shopping with a wild toddler and a teething baby whos now crawling and has to be watched at all times! By the time I watch one programme in the evening then make 24 hours of bottles up it’s 9/10pm before i then can have a bath myself. Every day I’m flat out and exhausted. I NEVER get to sit down and I never get a hot cup of tea. I’m rushed of my feet, my back is constantly hurting and I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge everyday! I just find it unbelievable that people, epecially those without children can judge and be so rude!! i long for the weekends when I have a little bit of help! I physically and mentally cannot push myself any further.
She then said her grandparents had her and her siblings everyday which made me LOL because not many people are so lucky and if her mum was in this position where shed be paying to work there’s no way she could’ve gone back ! And I’m still looking for evening work !

Sorry for such a rant I just think all mums are amazing and I take my hats of to full time working mums but sahms are just as busy and staying at home sometimes is a better financial decision !!

Please don’t turn this into a mothers vs non mothers issue. This is a very contentious topic and it doesn’t divide neatly down the middle like that. Plenty of WOHM hold the same views as your friend.

Do what works best for your family. It’s nobody else’s business.

Should have said, it sounds like things are really tough for you. . I’d be looking for shortcuts where you can to make things easier (not washing hair every day, some easy freezer meals etc...).

Have you ever had help with your OCD?

I’m not wanting to start a debate as I stated it’s not about mother’s v non mothers at all i think working mums are amazing I don’t know how they do it all! I’m saying it pisses me off when people that don’t have kids and don’t know the cost of childcare judge people who stay at home because they are better of financially. And I don’t just have the kids and house I have horses to care for that cost 150 a month by me doing them diy which used to cost 1200 a month for someone else doing them at a yard with all the facilities. And I am looking for a job so I’m not judging either working or sahms.

I forgot to mention this friend that doesn’t have kids also lives at home with parents rent free and has all her cooking cleaning laundry etc done for her so it annoyed me that she can judge either

I don’t know where the ocd comes from I’ve not receive any help people just joke about it and say I need to ease up but I can’t I suffered really badly with anxiety and the only way to improve my anxiety is to feel really super organised I can’t wake up to messy house because I would feel on edge like the days gonna be a night mare I like to get up and everything be tidy and in place it helps with such a busy life style lol also having a moulting German Shepard and 2 horses I think if I’m not on top of everything it does get messy and dirty quickly I hoover and mop everyday because of dog hair kids crumbs and muddy paws

People who joke about OCD are insensitive arses who don’t understand what it’s like. I’d see your GP. If you could let some of the cleaning etc go, that would give you more time in the day. There is help with it and ut can get better.

Your GS dog goes to the groomers everyday?

Literally everyone jokes about it my family and friends think i over exaggerate what I do I literally must do about 4-5 hours a day and on a Sunday I spend 6-8 just deep spring cleaning if I have laundry in the basket it’s gotta go! I plump my cushions constantly and i bleach my kitchen surfaces every time I make anything. It’s like a coping method if the house is a state I can’t leave it to go out unless a few times I’ve had to rush ds to the hospital for reactions! I just find it so hard with a endless list daily and people think I do nothing I don’t think I ever sit down until very late and then in the evenings I can’t sleep hence why I’m looking for a evening job! I just find it so agrivating that people think I drink tea all day and watch daytime tv 😂

Your experience of being a SAHM isn’t normal though. I’m not saying it’s easy being a SAHM at all but most people aren’t cleaning for minimum 5 hours a day.

No she goes to the groomers every 2-3 weeks but that comes around so fast with everything else going on! I know all mums have to juggle babies With their older children but lugging around a baby and a million baby items all day everyday and to my dds swim lessons then getting her out and dried and dressed whilst he is crying for food or a nap and then having to drag them around the supermarket and up to the stables is just so tiring and stressful. I have to split myself in ten to see friends and family with busy lives themselves and often people are offended that I can’t see them when they are free as they think I do nothing but some weekends are the only times to se me anyone or spend family time and get stuff done that I can’t do alone in the week 🙈

You do have a hectic life and your friend sounds a bit of a cow but it's hectic in part due to lie choices - dog which obviously needs caring for but adds massively to your cleaning tiem, horses which again take lots of work, and by your OCD which you're not helping either in terms of getting support for it or by having animals to care for on top of two young babies.

So ignore your friend and seriously think about getting help for your OCD. 4 hours of cleaning every day is a huge amount. When your doing morning run, lunchtime pick up and then afternoon pick up in a few years you're really going to struggle to find the time. How much time a day do you get ot read or play with the kids?

Why isn't DH doing more mid week?

In my humble, you sound extremely stressed and trying to make everything perfect. I really feel how much effort and hard work you are putting in, however children are messy and demanding. Spending that amount of time cleaning is rather extreme tbh - and relentless- so I wonder if you might be experiencing PND or hyper anxiety? Can you think about going to see your GP and talking to your OH about what you need?

Friend has no idea so just ignore.
I've found people constantly ask when I am going back to work.
You have a lot on your plate can you batch cook some meals? Also too much cleaning, get some coping strategies/ therapy.

Completely not what you were posting about but I think you’d find a deposit for a house a lot quicker if you didn’t have horses😂

I’m also a bit confused about where you’re mucking out if you’re renting in London... surely livery costs a fortune in London. 10 times what a part time few hours job could bring in.

I sympathise - I have been a SAHM for 17 years. My tip is to stop doing so much washing. I have 5 or 6 people in my household and I do less than one wash a day on average. Bed sheets can be left for two to three weeks without smelling, I assure you, same with towels. Shorts, hoodies, skirts and trousers, even t-shirts can often be worn a few times before they need washing. That way you'll be more Green - contribute to protecting your children's future world! It's just habit - let your standard drop a little!

It's just habit - let your standard drop a little!

I’m not sure you’re understood what the op has described as BAD ocd.

Sounds exhausting.

Where do you keep horses when you live in London? Taking care of a household and two DC?

I would sell on the horse to a loving home. They cost a fortune to maintain and require lots of time/energy. My sister in law has one and it takes over her life. When she cant cope she pays someone at the yard to do it some days. Try to make your life easier. I only vaccum twice a week. Can you get the dog groomed and cut? I honestly don't know how you'd work part time with the horse.

I think it’s a bit pointless to argue about OCD, it doesn’t sound like the OP has been diagnosed with it. Or anything yet. Her mental health needs looking into, and is a far more serious issue than a perceived tiff with a friend about working mothers.

Self or internet ‘diagnosis’ does nobody any good.

And OP, you’ve got no need to justify how you spend your time (or money) with friends or with Mumsnet. Pick who you tell your troubles to more carefully. You’re not responsible for their prickliness about ‘what their mum did’, or any other baggage that they carry. But you can adopt a more diplomatic ‘live and let live’ approach and stick to less contentious topics with certain friends.

If you truly are looking for little job, you are going to have make space for it in your life. That means reassessing your schedule, and looking into your mental health. No horse, child or kitchen needs that level of maintenance. Aim for a balanced life, rather than a spotless one?

Batch cooking is good. Making 2 Lasanias/fish pies or a big pot of stew that can be topped up the next day. Ask your gp for help regarding your excessive daily cleaning because its not normal.

Living in London, there is provision for OCD treatment and they are really worth it, lovely ❤️

Beyond that, if you work outside the home with kids in childcare there is a lot less to do in the house because you and your children aren't making messes and using things all day. I know mother's who work usually say they do it all- well yes, but we all do it all, in different proportions.

Oh she’s still living at home all paid for by her parents and no kids.Ignore her she is talking out her arse.You have heard the saying teenagers leave home get a job and support yourself whilst you still know everything.She sounds like this.

OP haven't read all the posts but unless you get some help, your aim of being a SAHM will be defeated. If you spend 4-5 hours a day cleaning then attending to dogs/ horses, how much time do you spend with your kids "just being"?

Your life sounds stressful as others have said and it sounds as if you are treading water to lunge from week to week.

Your post is a bit confusing as to what happens now and how that can change in the future. For example you talk of 3-4 hour per day drop off at nursery, that you do daily and then talk of it will cost 60-70 per day if they are on childcare while you work?

Do your children attend nursery everyday now?

My other question was why is your nursery so far from home? Especially in London nurseries are generally easy to find close to home or close to work. 1.5 hour journey each way is more than most peoples commute to work so it's bonkers. In London that can get you from north to south.

Find a nursery close to home is step one, it is insane to make that part of your problem through travel.

Then your horses, how far are they from home. We live in London and Ive always had horses until a couple of years ago however mine were stabled in NW7 and we had a full livery service. Would you consider selling your horses and loaning a horse? Would make your life simpler and help you buy a house?.
Could you have a cleaner everyday for an hour to keep on top of the house?

To work you need to streamline