Offensive friend (I’m SAHM)

[Lizmum1]

So I’m a SAHM

My OH is a project manager in London and is on a good wage - we are fairly comfortable with me being at home with dd (3) and ds (6 months) I wouldn’t say we are rolling in it as we have high London rent for 3 bed house. Can easily pay mortgage but getting a deposit seems impossible right now as awful as it sounds i don’t see it happening until we get any inheritance ( I come from a fairy wealthy background) - as horrid as it is to even dare think about 😭 although OH is looking at new jobs with big bonuses which could make our dream of being home owners a reality. So I was speaking to a friend with NO KIDS and was telling her that I’m looking for a little part time job but struggling to find anything as I’m very limited on hours. I have no family or friends that don’t work full time themselves other than my mum who’s a hour away and cares for my grandparents who’s kindly offered a day a week to have my DCS for me to work and one other day I would work Saturdays and maybe the odd Sunday. We are not desperate for the money but I’d like a little freedom and independence as I’ve struggled feeling like I rely on my OH financially. My little wage would go on dcs savings and a few things for myself here and there. When i said to my friend I don’t know how other mums work full time ( meaning as in they’re super mums) she jumped down my throat saying her mum went straight back to work full time after her and her siblings. When I said I’d find it impossible she told me my jobs are just evening jobs!

For one, I’d bloody love to work full time but we worked out childcare for a baby and a toddler and it worked out we would be £-60-70 a day with me working full time!! I’d need to leave the kids 10-12 hours in care everyday plus pay a dog walker and someone to muck out my horses.

Daily I do the nursery run which is a 3 hour day so it’s a nightmare going back and fourth. We pay for nursery too. The morning routine takes a hour and a half itself. I spend 3-4 hours cleaning the house as it’s a fair size and gets dirty very fast if not cleaned daily. I have BAD ocd so have to hoover and mop and clean the kitchen and bathroom daily especially having a long haired dog. I take the dog out daily as well as seeing to both horses twice a day early and afternoon I take the dog to the groomers I do dump runs gardening 2 lots of swimming lessons a week all my own diy and decorating I help with my grandparents I attend a baby group I batch make all my DS baby food he also has regular paediatrician appointments for allergies. I cook home made every night often 2 separate meals as some things me and OH eat my toddler wouldn’t (she’s not fussy but I’m talking hot curry/ stir fry’s etc) I do field maintenance like poo shovelling and fencing a couple of days a week for 2 hours with both dcs in tow. I have vet farrier appointments for horses, all our family appointments, food shopping, overflowing laundry and ironing (2 loads a day) then there’s putting it all away and doing towels and bedding. I bath the dcs every night and have to blow dry dds hair as it’s fairly long then i do the bedtime routine for both around 7pm after that me and OH have our dinner and I clean up after that and feed the dog. I also do meal plans and all the food shopping with a wild toddler and a teething baby whos now crawling and has to be watched at all times! By the time I watch one programme in the evening then make 24 hours of bottles up it’s 9/10pm before i then can have a bath myself. Every day I’m flat out and exhausted. I NEVER get to sit down and I never get a hot cup of tea. I’m rushed of my feet, my back is constantly hurting and I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge everyday! I just find it unbelievable that people, epecially those without children can judge and be so rude!! i long for the weekends when I have a little bit of help! I physically and mentally cannot push myself any further.
She then said her grandparents had her and her siblings everyday which made me LOL because not many people are so lucky and if her mum was in this position where shed be paying to work there’s no way she could’ve gone back ! And I’m still looking for evening work !

Sorry for such a rant I just think all mums are amazing and I take my hats of to full time working mums but sahms are just as busy and staying at home sometimes is a better financial decision !!

If you read my previous posts you would see that the reasons I can’t work full time isn’t purely because of looking after retired horses and dog lol. It’s because I would be paying out my entire wage plus more on childcare. So financially we would be minus £60 a day

Clearly haven’t read ANY previous comments.

Working full time for me isn’t financially do able.

I’ve had the animals my whole life they’re a full time commitment.

My kids are very well taken care of and I do everything including most jobs ‘men’ would do.

I’ve landed a part time job

Friend works full time with no kids and lives at home with parents who do all her chores and thinks being worse off with childcare doesn’t exist and that every grandparent can give full time care to raise grandchildren free of charge.

Anyways have a lovely bitter life hun

Except half the childcare costs would come out of your husbands wage (they're his kids too, right?), so not really.... You could afford to work and have your own career, you just don't want to. There's nothing wrong with that. Just own it.

But yes, it is annoying to working people (especially working parents) to act like you're soooo busy and hard done by, and couldn't afford to work, because you're busy doing xyz hobby, horses and gardening.

But I know that you know that, and you're just on the humble brag /wind up. Good luck with your husband's big bonus...

I own my own home and love my career, so not that bitter really "hun"

Your one busy mum! That sounds like a good structure though!

My little darlings are awake at 6.30am and oh is gone long before then so wouldn’t be able to do horses and take the dog out without them in tow too.

You get a lot done between getting and and bedtime! I seem to do 3 things at once but dinner bath bed takes 2 hours! I’d then if I was working have to go out to the horses to bring them in when the kids were in bed then return for my dinner. My OH is usually snoring on the sofa by 8pm. He gets in at 7ish.

When do you do your food shopping? Do you online shop?

Maybe I do have to much time to create myself a million extra jobs!

My SIL worked full time for the nhs with her first son but after the second she can afford to work. She used to pay 1k a month on childcare for the first. She now wishes she was working instead and says she notices everything a lot more in the house and struggles to keep it clean and remain sane lol

You could clean other peoples houses for 4-5 hours a day and get paid😀

Well actually I’m going on our money as a whole. We are a partnership. Our joint income wouldn’t be any better. It would be worse. We’ve sat and done the maths a million times so actually please don’t assume I don’t want to work. I’ve got a job today so that comments just irrelevant. :)

I’ve thought of that many times I would 100% do it but who could have my kids? The money I’d make cleaning would be the same hourly rate for two kids at a childminders x

Would it be possible to stable your horse in a rented field or yard and move into a much smaller property.
Even buying a small flat and working your way up. No way would I be relying on an inheritance. So much could go awry.

I get the feeling though you are in a big property because it comes with the stabling and field and goes with the City job your dh has.

What would happen if you moved to a small cheap property and separate stabling arrangements for your horse.

Not only would the rent be cheaper but also all the other things that come with a smaller place like council tax, water, power bills and insurance. Also you would have more time as there would be less cleaning

If you are serious about buying then a small p/t job isn’t going to do anything.

That would’ve been the perfect response I definitely should’ve asked her if her mum would’ve worked and paid more in childcare than she earns. I always had a view of wanting to work full time and that It would be easy when I was child less and working 12 hours 6 days a week. How funny and deluded was i to think it’s all that simple. If it was just the time I could manage (in a struggle) but it doesn’t make sense to be paying a lot more than I earn on childcare 🙈

Cannot wait to see some of these friends start families whilst their parents are still working and their Ohs aren’t on the best wages if I’m honest. I’m waiting to make the comment about why they aren’t going straight back full time Hahaha

My ocd has increased more and more over the past three years it started as nesting with my first baby. It just got worse and worse I got so house proud! And find it hard living under the expectations of how a housewife should have everything done and ready for working husbands to come home to their dinners. Ok I know that’s so dated but people still say to me about my sister who’s got 4dc and is a SAHM how it’s disgusting her husband has to return and do dinner and house work and bath and bed time 🙈

Soooo much pressure

The only way you are going to get a deposit for a home of your own is to cut your current costs brutally.
My son is 36 and has reently bought a house in an expensive area, he is not on a good wage.
He lived in a house of multiple occupation for 10 years and spent no money other than absolute basics. When he came home to visit I'd pay his train fare and costs. We used to laugh at his stinginess but now he has a lovely home in an expensive area in Surrey.
If you rent an expensive London house that needs to go, move somewhere cheap and cheerful and commute.
Cut day to day costs to the bone.
I did it too, bought my own home at 21 by living on £15 a week and shopping at pound shops (1980's). It's harsh, painful but if you want your own home you need to do it.
You don't need to go back to work, and to be honest with two children that age I don't think it's viable.
A few years of sacrifice while the children are young, they will not remember it.

Our horses are already at a small private rented yard a few miles from our house. We live in Kent in a slightly cheaper renting area our rent is £1300 where as a few miles closer to London is 2000 for a 3 bed.

We have over the years moved further and further out to get cheaper. We reduced horse bills by 1000 a month and got rid of both our nice cars for old bangers lol

Wow amazing that you managed to get hired for a job between making your original post about not having a job at midnight today, and now, lunchtime the same day. Well done.

Also your posts don't really make sense, it's not at all clear who you are responding to.

I think that would be the only option for us to just live on the basics I’m in my 20s so still plenty of time but all is see is everyone around me getting houses by being given deposits and it’s painful 😖 hopefully my oh will land a new job he’s got a interview Monday and it’s higher wages and big bonuses when each project is completed. That would help us to put down a deposit I feel we would have to move hours away from family that all bought houses 40 years ago. My mums house was 60k and is now 700k !

Congratulations! Great news. I hope you enjoy it.

Thank you very much i had a interview at 10 was pretty easy to land a job with my experience :)

You are entitled to feel how you feel, you don't have to justify it by listing all the stuff that you do. Every family's situation is different so it's pointless judging other people based on your own standards - no one has any real idea of what goes on in someone else's house, all you know is the bits that you see/hear about.

Your friend was being very judgey and that would annoy me. However she probably felt like you were attacking working mums or something. People on both sides get really defensive about this issue.

Just do what is best for you and your family and forget about what your friend said. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Thank you ! I am so exited to be working again even if it’s only 3 6 hour shifts a week

How about commuting costs, I know that they can be extremely high from Kent, my exH told me recently he pays £700 a month to commute from Ashford, yet when he moved to Heathfield it was half that.
Sorry I know it's really tough. Just trying to help if I can.

I definitely agree pregantsea,

Maybe she got the wrong end of the stick as I said I don’t know how full time working mums cope but I meant it as in they’re amazing.

Everyone has such strong opinions! Being a mum is hard full stop !

My oh is currently self employed so can claim back his commuting costs he currently drives we are in Edenbridge he works in woolwhich it takes 1-2 hours traffic depending.

He’s waiting on years and years worth of tax rebait to come back now he’s got a proper accountant. It’s a god send!

Soft planet, I’m not a mumsnet pro I’ve Just been clicking reply on each post.

My original post stated I’ve been applying for part time work but that wasn’t the point of the post the point was at people being judgemental and that I thought working mums are amazing at juggling everything. I was jsit offended at my friends assumptions. I had a interview this morning and was very successful. I discussed what hours I’d take when they offered me. Don’t believe it if you wish doesn’t affect my life

I have an 8 month old and I’m not ashamed to say that I consider just taking care of her to be a successful day. If I got any housework done at all it would be a bonus. I very rarely cook dinner and DH takes over when he gets home.

Your friends comments are irrelevant, she doesn’t have kids so doesn’t understand how hard it is. It sounds like your DH needs to do more, do you ever get time for yourself?

Im not sure being able to save and buy a house in the 1980s is all that comparable to today. I have family in their early 20s and even though they're in well paid jobs its going to be several years before they can think about buying (in the south east) . Property prices have grown way faster than wages.

Atm you are in a house you describe as a “fair size” which takes you 3-4 hours to clean.
Why are you in a 3 bed place. (Friend brought up her 2 dc (boy and girl) in a 1 bed flat till they were 8 & 10 so they could save to buy a place)

Whilst the children are little and you want to save money at least go for a 2 bed not a 3 bed.

Also why do you need so much money for a deposit.

You can get mortgages with only 5% down and there are places for £250,000. That means having £12500 not £40000.
Huge difference