Offensive friend (I’m SAHM)

[Lizmum1]

So I’m a SAHM

My OH is a project manager in London and is on a good wage - we are fairly comfortable with me being at home with dd (3) and ds (6 months) I wouldn’t say we are rolling in it as we have high London rent for 3 bed house. Can easily pay mortgage but getting a deposit seems impossible right now as awful as it sounds i don’t see it happening until we get any inheritance ( I come from a fairy wealthy background) - as horrid as it is to even dare think about 😭 although OH is looking at new jobs with big bonuses which could make our dream of being home owners a reality. So I was speaking to a friend with NO KIDS and was telling her that I’m looking for a little part time job but struggling to find anything as I’m very limited on hours. I have no family or friends that don’t work full time themselves other than my mum who’s a hour away and cares for my grandparents who’s kindly offered a day a week to have my DCS for me to work and one other day I would work Saturdays and maybe the odd Sunday. We are not desperate for the money but I’d like a little freedom and independence as I’ve struggled feeling like I rely on my OH financially. My little wage would go on dcs savings and a few things for myself here and there. When i said to my friend I don’t know how other mums work full time ( meaning as in they’re super mums) she jumped down my throat saying her mum went straight back to work full time after her and her siblings. When I said I’d find it impossible she told me my jobs are just evening jobs!

For one, I’d bloody love to work full time but we worked out childcare for a baby and a toddler and it worked out we would be £-60-70 a day with me working full time!! I’d need to leave the kids 10-12 hours in care everyday plus pay a dog walker and someone to muck out my horses.

Daily I do the nursery run which is a 3 hour day so it’s a nightmare going back and fourth. We pay for nursery too. The morning routine takes a hour and a half itself. I spend 3-4 hours cleaning the house as it’s a fair size and gets dirty very fast if not cleaned daily. I have BAD ocd so have to hoover and mop and clean the kitchen and bathroom daily especially having a long haired dog. I take the dog out daily as well as seeing to both horses twice a day early and afternoon I take the dog to the groomers I do dump runs gardening 2 lots of swimming lessons a week all my own diy and decorating I help with my grandparents I attend a baby group I batch make all my DS baby food he also has regular paediatrician appointments for allergies. I cook home made every night often 2 separate meals as some things me and OH eat my toddler wouldn’t (she’s not fussy but I’m talking hot curry/ stir fry’s etc) I do field maintenance like poo shovelling and fencing a couple of days a week for 2 hours with both dcs in tow. I have vet farrier appointments for horses, all our family appointments, food shopping, overflowing laundry and ironing (2 loads a day) then there’s putting it all away and doing towels and bedding. I bath the dcs every night and have to blow dry dds hair as it’s fairly long then i do the bedtime routine for both around 7pm after that me and OH have our dinner and I clean up after that and feed the dog. I also do meal plans and all the food shopping with a wild toddler and a teething baby whos now crawling and has to be watched at all times! By the time I watch one programme in the evening then make 24 hours of bottles up it’s 9/10pm before i then can have a bath myself. Every day I’m flat out and exhausted. I NEVER get to sit down and I never get a hot cup of tea. I’m rushed of my feet, my back is constantly hurting and I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge everyday! I just find it unbelievable that people, epecially those without children can judge and be so rude!! i long for the weekends when I have a little bit of help! I physically and mentally cannot push myself any further.
She then said her grandparents had her and her siblings everyday which made me LOL because not many people are so lucky and if her mum was in this position where shed be paying to work there’s no way she could’ve gone back ! And I’m still looking for evening work !

Sorry for such a rant I just think all mums are amazing and I take my hats of to full time working mums but sahms are just as busy and staying at home sometimes is a better financial decision !!

Your medal is in the post

“I’d also love to know how a full time mum with more than one child fits in diy for 2 horses , making dinner, bath time bedtime all the housework walking the dog as it’s obiously so easy as a couple of people have stated”

People do it because they simply have to. It’s not easy at all.

OP I don’t have OCD but I do have anxiety and I know that all of the things you list out in your OP feel like things that prevent you from having any time to do anything else but I assure you that is your anxiety talking and not reality.

Most families have multiple kids and pets. ALL families have to clean their houses, do laundry, grocery shopping, visit family and friends etc. All of the things you list out.

Horses are a financial drain and very time consuming but having had them for 25/12 years you and your DH surely knew this already? This hasn’t become news to you since you became a SAHP?

It sounds like you do everything and DH nothing in regards to the home, kids or horses (one of which is his you say). Doesn’t sound very fair to me and clearly isn’t working for you.

You need to resolve this and get help for your mental health issues before you worry about working and adding to your load.

All my kids are at school I've not worked for twenty years and I drink a lot of tea!

Op. People judge, especially where women, money and children are concerned. You know your reasons, work ethic and future plans. Life doesn't stand still. You'll work out of the home again. Ignore rude people who lack the social skills not to verbalise their projected prejudices.

Your friend's opinion on your lifestyle is completely irrelevant and you shouldn't give it any consideration whatsoever.
Everyone has their own unique perspective based on their own experience, you have no control over other people's thoughts .
I suspect that caring so much about how you are perceived is contributing to the general sense of stress and anxiety you describe.
Your priority should be getting a handle on your mental well-being .
The routines you describe indicate something is amiss.
Life is short and children aren't children for long , you deserve better .

when my DS naps (3.5 hours)
He naps for how long???? Jealous. Misses point of thread 😂

I’d also love to know how a full time mum with more than one child fits in diy for 2 horses , making dinner, bath time bedtime all the housework walking the dog as it’s obiously so easy as a couple of people have stated smile

1. You don't need to justify to anyone why you don't work. If you and DH are happy this works best for you then that's it. You have a functioning arrangement, that's all that matters. I don't work, we have one child, we get by with top ups from benefits but that's because that's what we have to do to make our family unit work
2. What does your DH do to help with the kids?

I’d also love to know how a full time mum with more than one child fits in diy for 2 horses , making dinner, bath time bedtime all the housework walking the dog as it’s obiously so easy as a couple of people have stated :)

I don't have horses but lots of exercise so can probably equate similar time:
5:45: wake up, dress and out the door
6am run with dog or in your case attend to horses take dog with you
7am return home and wake household, shower, dress and have breakfast. With dh's help get kids dressed, breakfast and ready to leave.
8am leave for school/nursery/work
6pm pick up kids from childminder - We each work from home 1 day so get them early and take them to activities or come home.
6:15 home for homework, bath, bedtime . Whilst kids are busy run a hoover round or put washing on,.
7pm DH home so we take it in turns to either dog walk or put kids to bed
8pm we eat dinner, chill out, hang out washing, do ironing, make packed lunches do any admin wipe down surfaces
10pm bed

We have a cleaner once a week and dog walker comes in at lunchtime the 3 days we're out all day both of which are definite luxuries but otherwise I'd say our week is pretty normal for a working family. weekends we share any extra chores, kids activities, family outings etc

I really do sympathise with your ocd struggle but wonder whether having the time to do so much cleaning is feeding the illness and if you had to work you would find a way.

My life is pretty normal

Firstly I would have asked your friend if her mother would have been in such a rush to get back to work if it was going to cost her more in childcare than she earned.

Secondly I think you need to get help for your OCD.

Bleaching everything every time you use the kitchen won’t be doing anyone any good.

I think you probably started being a bit house proud and gradually without you realising it has grown and grown.

Could you limit your ddog to the downstairs rooms just to limit dog hair going upstairs.

Then instead of hoovering upstairs everyday could you do it every other day.

Then just look after animals on a Sunday.

How are you when you go on holiday and you aren’t around to clean.
My mother drove herself mad with cleaning literally. Growing up was horrendous.

As I said I think your OCD has grown and grown until if you don’t do something gradually you will not be able to do anything but clean.

Hi OP
You are incredibly busy, and you clearly haven't got time for a part time job. Ignore your friend. Squeeze a bit of time for yourself into your day.

I don't mean to be suspicious but you have cleaning OCD yet have horses and a son with allergies bad enough to need to see a doctor regularly but have a long haired dog in the house ?

I thought op meant the child had three hours in nursery. Not that the commute was three hours.

I don't mean to be suspicious but you have cleaning OCD yet have horses and a son with allergies bad enough to need to see a doctor regularly but have a long haired dog in the house?

^ This
And as a woman who's about to go back to work full time with 4 DCs the answer is that we don't have horses and dogs and wash our hair every day. It's shit at times but not everyone has a partner who can cover all costs. It's not a judgement, we all make choices, but you need to acknowledge and own that your life (just like my full time life) has some bits you can't choose and others you can, you're not a helpless victim who needs to do all the tasks you mention each day.

Hi OP it does sound like your very overwhelmed so agree it would be helpful to speak to your GP.

I've been a SAHM for 10 years now. We didn't plan it to be this long however it's working for our family right now. DD starts high school in September and because of the bus journey will do a long-ish day so I plan to return to some sort of work then when hopefully this longer day will open up more opportunities rather than scrapping around for a 9-2 job on minimum wage.

I would say it's only been in this last year that I've stopped feeling paranoid that others women are judging me for this choice. It's not helped that almost everyone I know asks me "Any plans on getting a job?" if I've not seen them for a while. It can make you feel like you have to justify your choice! I'm sure there are 1 or 2 judge types who perhaps are doing this but most aren't. I just remember the MN Mantra No Is A Complete Sentence

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz

I think it might be the friends you have.

All my friends have never worked since they had children.

I worked intermittently. I would work for a couple of months on a flat/house then an hour per day looking for the next project and waiting for it to be sold before starting again so I worked around dc.

Marthas a bit unfair to say it's living off DHs promotions!

OP this definitely isn't a bitchy site - there's some nasty comments around but I think this thread shows the vast majority are very supportive and kind and there also lots in the middle where someone else can be more objective than we are when we're having a crap time. just never ever post in AIBU. Just like in real life the occasional tosser will pop up I'd recommend you ignore those.

Sorry posted too soon

I have never been judged by anyone and they have never come across people who judged them.

I think because our paths didn’t cross.

Olivers maybe and to be fair it was often perhaps quite an innocent question that I read waaaaay too much into it. i have always had paranoid/people pleaser tendencies!

As a society work done outside of paid employment is still pretty undervalued and even though a bit like you I've either been doing some form of volunteering or some casual temporary hours most weeks some people still question this choice.

As an aside all these years on MN and I did not realise there was a board for SAHMs!

can you not move somewhere cheaper then you will have your dream of owning a house, without having to wait for an inheritance.
Or the money you earn instead of treating yourself and savings for dc, put it towards a deposit.
Your horses are an extravagant cost too.
So this dream of owning your own home, isn't that important to you then.
As for working, do what's best for your family, finding a closer nursery or as you aren't working, saving money here too.

@Lizmum1 - sorry your having such a tough time ..... this statement however.

I simply mean that in this day and age most people do get on the property ladder through hand outs from relatives or sadly inheritance which is what I mean.

Is utterly ridiculous, most people get on the property ladder through hard work, savings and strategic purchasing. I don't know a single person who was gifted a huge deposit, given a massive leg up or inherited property. Utter nonsense. Sorry.

I’d also love to know how a full time mum with more than one child fits in diy for 2 horses , making dinner, bath time bedtime all the housework walking the dog as it’s obiously so easy as a couple of people have stated

It’s not easy at all. My dh and I do it together. I get up and get them ready and feed them breakfast and drop them at nursery. Dh picks them up and feeds them dinner - reheating the previous night/ batch cooked on the weekend/ super quick meals. But all home cooked. Bath story bed put a load of washing on cook & eat our dinner fold washing clean kitchen do some admin on the computers toys tidy get out everything for the next night shower bed. We get a cleaner (for 3 hours a week not 4-5 hours a day) we need to catch up with bigger tasks , the washing and batch cook on weekends.
I mean, how do you think we do it? There’s no magic wand. A clean house isn’t what you need to manage your anxiety, you need a doctor and therapy.

What a lovely comment, thank you very much! I barely get time to have a bath most days (I do wash though LOL) or watch any tv it would be a luxury! Seems there aren’t many caring people like you around most just like to judge. Thank you for your comment

I’ve had horses for 12 years I’ve only developed anxiety and ocd since having my first child 3 years ago.

My son has food allergies, not allergic to animals, the dog was my partners before I met him and she is absolutely lovely but high maintenance and moults LOADS x

Sorry I’m literally just commenting on my own personal experience.

Most people I know with houses bought them over 10 years ago with smaller deposits and I know at least six people that have been given deposits or ASKED for them

I know many people have worked very hard and saved for years it just seems impossible these days trying to stump up 40k for a deposit but it’s annoying that we pay so much rent and could afford to pay a mortgage :(

It is very important to me but my horses I wouldn’t consider a luxury they are large expensive pets and as easy as it is for people to say get rid - that would mean putting perfectly healthy animals down which I find morally wrong when we can afford them. Just because they can’t be ridden I can’t just end their lives. They’re not sellable they’re retired and my horse is very difficult and doesn’t trust people easily because of her background.

My wage would probably be saved to deposit but it would be nice to buy the odd outfit once in a while I don’t think I’ve bought my self clothes for years 🙈