Offensive friend (I’m SAHM)

[Lizmum1]

So I’m a SAHM

My OH is a project manager in London and is on a good wage - we are fairly comfortable with me being at home with dd (3) and ds (6 months) I wouldn’t say we are rolling in it as we have high London rent for 3 bed house. Can easily pay mortgage but getting a deposit seems impossible right now as awful as it sounds i don’t see it happening until we get any inheritance ( I come from a fairy wealthy background) - as horrid as it is to even dare think about 😭 although OH is looking at new jobs with big bonuses which could make our dream of being home owners a reality. So I was speaking to a friend with NO KIDS and was telling her that I’m looking for a little part time job but struggling to find anything as I’m very limited on hours. I have no family or friends that don’t work full time themselves other than my mum who’s a hour away and cares for my grandparents who’s kindly offered a day a week to have my DCS for me to work and one other day I would work Saturdays and maybe the odd Sunday. We are not desperate for the money but I’d like a little freedom and independence as I’ve struggled feeling like I rely on my OH financially. My little wage would go on dcs savings and a few things for myself here and there. When i said to my friend I don’t know how other mums work full time ( meaning as in they’re super mums) she jumped down my throat saying her mum went straight back to work full time after her and her siblings. When I said I’d find it impossible she told me my jobs are just evening jobs!

For one, I’d bloody love to work full time but we worked out childcare for a baby and a toddler and it worked out we would be £-60-70 a day with me working full time!! I’d need to leave the kids 10-12 hours in care everyday plus pay a dog walker and someone to muck out my horses.

Daily I do the nursery run which is a 3 hour day so it’s a nightmare going back and fourth. We pay for nursery too. The morning routine takes a hour and a half itself. I spend 3-4 hours cleaning the house as it’s a fair size and gets dirty very fast if not cleaned daily. I have BAD ocd so have to hoover and mop and clean the kitchen and bathroom daily especially having a long haired dog. I take the dog out daily as well as seeing to both horses twice a day early and afternoon I take the dog to the groomers I do dump runs gardening 2 lots of swimming lessons a week all my own diy and decorating I help with my grandparents I attend a baby group I batch make all my DS baby food he also has regular paediatrician appointments for allergies. I cook home made every night often 2 separate meals as some things me and OH eat my toddler wouldn’t (she’s not fussy but I’m talking hot curry/ stir fry’s etc) I do field maintenance like poo shovelling and fencing a couple of days a week for 2 hours with both dcs in tow. I have vet farrier appointments for horses, all our family appointments, food shopping, overflowing laundry and ironing (2 loads a day) then there’s putting it all away and doing towels and bedding. I bath the dcs every night and have to blow dry dds hair as it’s fairly long then i do the bedtime routine for both around 7pm after that me and OH have our dinner and I clean up after that and feed the dog. I also do meal plans and all the food shopping with a wild toddler and a teething baby whos now crawling and has to be watched at all times! By the time I watch one programme in the evening then make 24 hours of bottles up it’s 9/10pm before i then can have a bath myself. Every day I’m flat out and exhausted. I NEVER get to sit down and I never get a hot cup of tea. I’m rushed of my feet, my back is constantly hurting and I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge everyday! I just find it unbelievable that people, epecially those without children can judge and be so rude!! i long for the weekends when I have a little bit of help! I physically and mentally cannot push myself any further.
She then said her grandparents had her and her siblings everyday which made me LOL because not many people are so lucky and if her mum was in this position where shed be paying to work there’s no way she could’ve gone back ! And I’m still looking for evening work !

Sorry for such a rant I just think all mums are amazing and I take my hats of to full time working mums but sahms are just as busy and staying at home sometimes is a better financial decision !!

I have the baby in the day and work evenings and weekends becuase childcare is just so expensive and I don't earn enough to make it worth daytime work! It is really hard and wears me out alot becuase you still have looking after a baby all day and then no rest as working when you should be resting! I get home from work at 10:30/11 (start at 4 when husband finnishes) then baby is awake at 5! Could you stop nursery to save money and then maybe you wouldn't need a job? I work in a call centre but the only other evening jobs I've seen are bar jobs really, maybe look at cutting back before a job as you do seem to have alot of outgoings?

Very little of your crowded Life is due to being a SAHM. In fact, you barely mention time spent on your kids, they must be spending a lot of time watching you clean the house and the horses. It’s not good for them to see you like this. Go and talk to your GP.

Get rid of the horses. It ridiculous to be spending money and time on them when you cant save for a deposit and are feeling overloaded. Same with childrens savings. Save for a deposit. Describing what you want as a little job and a little wage isn't helping your perception of your friends perception of you, and wont go over well at interview. I think a part time job 2/3 days a week is what you are after.

Another one who thinks that for a SAHM you are getting very little time with your children.

Ignore your friend. Her views aren’t unusual but they aren’t relevant either.

You are exhausted. That really does come across. Two loads of washing, 5 hours of cleaning, all the horse stuff. You need to get some help to sort this all out and get some balance in your life.

Oh and yes, nursery commute is absurd, and I wouldn’t be paying out for horses if I wasn’t able to buy a property

I've not read every post but if you have enough money to keep two horses I wouldn't worry too much about getting a 'little' job as a don't think your 'little' wage would really matter in the grand scheme of things! I hate it when people refer to a mothers part time job as LITTLE, it's so patronizing!

I agree, you're selling yourself short thinking about it like that OP. I also think telling people you are waiting for your parents to die so you can buy a house is a mistake, as is doing it. You are really selling yourself short and making your life unecesarily difficult - the horses, the nursery commute. And no 3 bed house needs 5 hours of cleaning per day. If you feel it does you need help with managing your OCD. How do you cope with the muck and mud of horses? I cant get past the horses tbh. They are taking all the things you need - money, time, cleanliness.

People always ask when I'm going back to work full time (I work evenings) as if what I'm doing now, looking after my children, isn't good enough for them. It really irritates me. And the reality is even if I wanted to (which sometimes I really do!) we can't afford me to work full time as nursery is too expensive (twins).

if a spotless home is that important - bring in help - someone who wants to share the use of the horses in return for a few hours a week cleaning maybe ? Could be a way of using your assets rather than shelling out more money ?!

I don’t think I’ve explained things very clearly my dd is in nursery it’s close to home but it’s obly 3 hours (half a day) she goes 2 half days a week which we currently pay until April she is funded. So the travel isn’t a problem it’s jsit that she goes for 3 hours so it’s very tedious by the time I get home with the baby I have a hour and a half then have to leave again.

As for horses, my two are retired and old (unridable) there’s no way to sell old retired horses I’ve had mine for 12 years and my OH horse he’s had 25 years! You can’t simply just get rid of them without putting them down. To get help with them it would be £20 a day and god knows how much for someone to do the field maintenance - me and OH do a lot together on occasional weekends. I was at a yard where everything was done for me and it took away all the stress but this yard was like a 5* luxury yard and I don’t need the facilities as I don’t ride - that yard cost 1200 a month for 2 horses. Most yards with assistance I’m looking at lease £800 - monthly. The yard I’ve moved them to is soley DIY which is hard work but we pay £190 all in! So saved a fortune. Also got rid of 2 lease cars and bought second hand so we really cut our monthly bills in half last year.

Oh gosh I feel awful I didn’t mean to seem as if I’m ‘waiting’ for relatives to die !! I simply mean that in this day and age most people do get on the property ladder through hand outs from relatives or sadly inheritance which is what I mean.

I spent lots and lots of time with my kids they’re both very advanced. They enjoy the stables (when dry) they enjoy dog walks because it means the park and dd takes her bike. We visit family during the week and go to soft plays and we do lots of book reading, baking, painting and play doh during the day. My cleaning is usually split it’s not a straight 4/5 hours it’s in bits and mostly when my DS naps (3.5 hours)

I do agree I need to see someone with the ocd though it does really take over. But even doing my best I still feel behind and buried in laundry I was just saying to my friend I could work a couple of evenings but I couldn’t warrant full time with everything ( your average person doesn’t have 2 horses etc) I didn’t mean to sound offensive but she jumped down my throat implying I’m a bum 🙈 childcare for 1 child for a day 9-5 is minimum of £50 so for 2 it’s £100. Local nursery’s that do 7am-6pm are £70 a day per child. Then I’d be lying petrol to commute, a dog walker £10 daily horses £20 daily. And most I would earn is £100 so I’d be paying a hell of a lot to go to work is what I was trying to get across. Then my friend told me her grandparents had them non-Friday and it all made sense to why she doesn’t understand. Also the fact she has no kids or responsibilities

Working mums also do laundry, housework and have dogs and horses. Plus go to work. It's not a competition. You are t staying home because you have more housework than working mums, you are staying home because you want to and/or it makes financial sense for you. Your argument about hair washing and dog groom g is ludicrous, we all do those things they are not barriers to work.

OP, from the sound of it your OCD tendencies dictate most of your life, which must be very draining. The kids will get older and make more casual mess, so they will definitely notice all the time you spend obsessively cleankng. In the interests of making your illness less of a major presence in their lives (which it will be), you need to find some mental health support.

^^ 4 hours cleaning daily in a 3 bed house is excessive even if you do have a dog.

So you want a job but find every possible reason not to get one? Evening or weekend job?

The op doesn't really want a job she just wants everyone to say 'oh you couldn't possibly get a job! Your house cleaning, dog grooming and hair washing etc means you can't possibly work'

Do what works best for your family. It’s nobody else’s business.

This is the mantra. This is the only comment that should ever be made on this subject. What you do is none of your friend’s business. Don’t ask for her opinions on this topic and if she gives unwanted ones then don’t spend time with her.

I think you need to seek immediate help with the ocd and anxiety, if you could get it under control that would be four or five hours a day you got back and seven or eight at the weekend,

You don't need to live like this, and there is help available, and if you can't do it for you, do it for your kids.

'i don’t see it happening until we get any inheritance'

Eeuuuuu

You choose not to work. Your decision. Some people work and do all that you do too........

I don’t find every reason possible not to get a job thank you very much Christ what a BITCHY site. I’m saying it annoys me that people judge sahms as If we do absolutely nothing. It is NOT financially feasible for me to get a full time job it doesn’t make sense. My fact was my childless friend who lives Witt parents and literally goes to work comes home and everything is done for her has no right to judge.

I’d also love to know how a full time mum with more than one child fits in diy for 2 horses , making dinner, bath time bedtime all the housework walking the dog as it’s obiously so easy as a couple of people have stated :)

I have interviews today actually so don’t assume I don’t want to work I’ll be doing evenings and weekends if I get it :)

Oh gosh I feel awful I didn’t mean to seem as if I’m ‘waiting’ for relatives to die !! I simply mean that in this day and age most people do get on the property ladder through hand outs from relatives or sadly inheritance which is what I mean.

This really isn't true OP. Most people still do it by having both parents work full time out of university/college and saving. It increasingly wont be true as well - if you think nursery and stable are expensive, wait until you see the cost of sheltered accommodation for old people!

I think a part time job would help you get a bit of balance in your life and stop it all feeling like such a slog.

I think that most families where not parents are working proper jobs have help in terms of childcare and housekeeping and don’t make their lives unnecessarily difficult with pets. Obvious if they are all out all day the house doesn’t get as dirty either.

OK, so you have a 6 month old - it's unusual to work much outside the home with a 6 month old - and your DD is not in nursery that many hours though that's reasonably easy to fix.

But no, cleaning the house for 4-5 hours per day, even if you have a dog, is NOT usual and if you feel that you need to bleach every surface, that's not healthy, it's not even safe for your DCs. So if that is your life, even if you ARE to remain a SAHM, you need to do something about that.

Most of the rest of the things you mention are things that working parents manage between them.

Don't you have time as a family at the weekend? If you are spending 4 hours one day and 8 hours the other cleaning, it doesn't sound like you do.

So this IS impacting your family even if you aren't working.

Op, I think everyone knows being a stay at home parent is no walk in the park. As you spend the bulk of your day cleaning due to mental health, I do think if you got this sorted you would maybe start to see a different perspective. And maybe you could manage other things, for example there is no need to take your gsd to the groomers every couple of weeks, you and your husband can share evening activities with the kids, and the horses will need to bam managed, but the women I have worked with tend to do this early morning and evening,

You come across as very angry, but I do think dealing with your mental health as a priority is important.

op, do not rely on inheriting anything. It could all be wiped out if they need care and have to sell up.

Do you get any counselling or support for your ocd? I think that's the main cause of the problems here.

It sounds to me as if both you and your friend live very privileged lives in different ways. Certainly she is sheltered by living at home, but it is also fair to say most of us can't rule out meaningful employment because the retired horses need looking after and the dogs need walking.