Offensive friend (I’m SAHM)

[Lizmum1]

So I’m a SAHM

My OH is a project manager in London and is on a good wage - we are fairly comfortable with me being at home with dd (3) and ds (6 months) I wouldn’t say we are rolling in it as we have high London rent for 3 bed house. Can easily pay mortgage but getting a deposit seems impossible right now as awful as it sounds i don’t see it happening until we get any inheritance ( I come from a fairy wealthy background) - as horrid as it is to even dare think about 😭 although OH is looking at new jobs with big bonuses which could make our dream of being home owners a reality. So I was speaking to a friend with NO KIDS and was telling her that I’m looking for a little part time job but struggling to find anything as I’m very limited on hours. I have no family or friends that don’t work full time themselves other than my mum who’s a hour away and cares for my grandparents who’s kindly offered a day a week to have my DCS for me to work and one other day I would work Saturdays and maybe the odd Sunday. We are not desperate for the money but I’d like a little freedom and independence as I’ve struggled feeling like I rely on my OH financially. My little wage would go on dcs savings and a few things for myself here and there. When i said to my friend I don’t know how other mums work full time ( meaning as in they’re super mums) she jumped down my throat saying her mum went straight back to work full time after her and her siblings. When I said I’d find it impossible she told me my jobs are just evening jobs!

For one, I’d bloody love to work full time but we worked out childcare for a baby and a toddler and it worked out we would be £-60-70 a day with me working full time!! I’d need to leave the kids 10-12 hours in care everyday plus pay a dog walker and someone to muck out my horses.

Daily I do the nursery run which is a 3 hour day so it’s a nightmare going back and fourth. We pay for nursery too. The morning routine takes a hour and a half itself. I spend 3-4 hours cleaning the house as it’s a fair size and gets dirty very fast if not cleaned daily. I have BAD ocd so have to hoover and mop and clean the kitchen and bathroom daily especially having a long haired dog. I take the dog out daily as well as seeing to both horses twice a day early and afternoon I take the dog to the groomers I do dump runs gardening 2 lots of swimming lessons a week all my own diy and decorating I help with my grandparents I attend a baby group I batch make all my DS baby food he also has regular paediatrician appointments for allergies. I cook home made every night often 2 separate meals as some things me and OH eat my toddler wouldn’t (she’s not fussy but I’m talking hot curry/ stir fry’s etc) I do field maintenance like poo shovelling and fencing a couple of days a week for 2 hours with both dcs in tow. I have vet farrier appointments for horses, all our family appointments, food shopping, overflowing laundry and ironing (2 loads a day) then there’s putting it all away and doing towels and bedding. I bath the dcs every night and have to blow dry dds hair as it’s fairly long then i do the bedtime routine for both around 7pm after that me and OH have our dinner and I clean up after that and feed the dog. I also do meal plans and all the food shopping with a wild toddler and a teething baby whos now crawling and has to be watched at all times! By the time I watch one programme in the evening then make 24 hours of bottles up it’s 9/10pm before i then can have a bath myself. Every day I’m flat out and exhausted. I NEVER get to sit down and I never get a hot cup of tea. I’m rushed of my feet, my back is constantly hurting and I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge everyday! I just find it unbelievable that people, epecially those without children can judge and be so rude!! i long for the weekends when I have a little bit of help! I physically and mentally cannot push myself any further.
She then said her grandparents had her and her siblings everyday which made me LOL because not many people are so lucky and if her mum was in this position where shed be paying to work there’s no way she could’ve gone back ! And I’m still looking for evening work !

Sorry for such a rant I just think all mums are amazing and I take my hats of to full time working mums but sahms are just as busy and staying at home sometimes is a better financial decision !!

Bec you choose to spend money on horses, dogs. We all make choices. You chose exp pets over clothes

You don't have to work if you don't want OP and your friend is wrong to judge you for it but if you had a job where your earnings (after childcare/dog walker etc) was only £100 a month, in 3 years once your son gets his 30 hours funding you would have £3.5k grand saved towards a deposit which isn't much but it's a start. Also can't your dh do a bit of housework/laundry/hair washing?

Did you want posters to be caring as in
" poor you , you do so much "
Or " this isn't healthy , try to get help " ?

The situation you describe isn't good , particularly the extreme housework but I think you're disappointed with the comments because you have a pride in it. You were expecting praise rather than sympathy ifkwim.

Hi op you do sound very overworked, very similar to myself in terms of your situation. I also had horses in the past, there is no way I could afford the time or money to have them now with three little ones as well. But I've got to say 150 a month for livery for 2, even diy is very cheap! I'm up north and even diy livery around here is 40-50 a week, I'm surprised it's not much more down south.

Extremely true there are many supportive comments I’ve just read through but it baffles me how judgemental and insensitive people can be! Defo don’t live of OH promotions thank you for saying that was a unfair comment we are a partnership so our money is joint x

Honestly it was such a lucky find! We were trying to cut down the huge hill of full livery even assisted t/o b/i was very expensive. The yard I found it’s a small one with 4 stables and 20 acres we have our own large field that we have electric fenced down the middle but hand in hand with nice and cheap is lots of work the poo picking harrowing fencing itself is overwhelming and constant x

I’m not generally looking for sympathy or praise just opinion on why people like my ‘friend’ feel the need to judge and make out I do F all. Also I’m pretty taken back by some of the working parents comments when I was actually praising them !

Wrt inheriting to buy, I think it depends where you live in the country. I'm sure people work and climb the property ladder through savings elsewhere, but here in the south east, I don't know anyone who has bought without an inheritance making it possible, even my parents so a generation ago.

Ok hun

Kids and pets come first imo

Thank you! Someone understands what I mean about property price in south east!
If we move away my OH wouldn’t have the work so it’s all a big circle really unless he done a daily 2 he commute x

Oh works very long hours in London and kids are in bed at 7 which is when he gets in. He leaves at 5am so it’s almost impossible for him to help x

I can't believe some of the things you have listed that you do, like dump runs and drying your dds hair. How often are you going to the dump? and why is your dog at the groomers every couple of weeks?
I thi k you may be trying to make your life sound more hectic than it is. You don't need to justify being a SAHM you don't need to claim that you would love to work full time, not many people do want to work full time they just have to.

Wrt inheriting to buy, I think it depends where you live in the country. I'm sure people work and climb the property ladder through savings elsewhere, but here in the south east, I don't know anyone who has bought without an inheritance making it possible

A lot of us are in the South East! It’s not we’re all posting from former mining villages! Yes it’s stupidly expensive but people do save up. I can think of so many people who had no help at all.

I’m not generally looking for sympathy or praise just opinion on why people like my ‘friend’ feel the need to judge and make out I do F all

Because she needs to learn to mind her own business! I think we can all agree on that!

Good luck with the interviews. Did you say that’s today?

Op, I mean this gently but will you make a doctors appt about your ocd and anxiety? You really don't need to live like this and the sooner you get it sorted the sooner you can spend your time doing things that add value to your life.

I don't think this is about wether you work or not op x

I do actually do a lot of dump runs and clear under the stairs and the loft and storage space often I’m always looking at ways to de clutter and organise space. I’m currently jet washing the patio and washing the garden toys and have at least 4 dump runs to do this weekend as well as abut 5 hours in the field. Ok some stuff isn’t daily but I’m getting across the kind of stuff I do a LOT of the time. The fact is my friend thinks I sit drinking tea all day she won’t take no for a answer that is all I do in her eyes and other peoples eyes. My dog goes to the groomers every couple of weeks because she’s double coated and the worst breed for hair shedding when she doesn’t go we are covered in hair. Black and dark clothes are a no go 🙅‍♀️ my OH had her before he met me in case anyone feels the need to ask why I chose this dog 😂 obviously a lot of things in life is choice and everyone has different lifestyles I’m not judging anyone and I’m not saying that people should or shouldn’t work at all because every situation is different. My whole point was weather it’s choice or not to have the animals and be obsessive with a clean house and kids routines etc I don’t think people should then say oh well my parents worked my grandparents had us everyday why don’t you work full time your daily chores are jsit small evening chores. That’s what annoyed me. And also the fact her grandparents did all the childcare free of charge where that’s like very unrealistic to most people including myself. X

Reading through the comments i definitely think I’ve got to make the appointment now ! I know it’s an issue I just have a obsession with being organised and clean I feel like life won’t work otherwise. I never had these feelings before children I was messy

Thank you 😊 my interview went very successful I’ll be doing 2-8pm 2 weekdays and 8am-2pm Saturday

Also we’ve had the horses since we were 10 years old. Lifetime commitment

@Lizmum1 - there are tons of horse loving people out there - i'd help you with them myself if you lived closer to me as I love horses & really miss not having one

I would love that! I often think maybe a teen would like the experience of mucking out and grooming but most only want riding in return which I can’t offer. :(

You have a very privileged life - high rent London house, horses ( ) , dog, and can afford to comfortably stay at home. Very grating to play the "hard done by" card considering most working mothers HAVE to work to pay the mortgage/rent/put food on the table, and couldn't even begin to contemplate keeping horses at the same time as running their family life. And yes, working parents have to do the same jobs in the evenings that you do in the day. YABU. Lots of SAHM parents have a very hard life, but I don't think you're one of them.

"I'm so busy jet washing my patio and going to the stable to see my horses, I'd love to get a little job so I can buy myself new outfits. My friend who works for a living is annoying me because she isn't sympathetic to my plight."

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