"If you're a sahp it's not a job"

[Lunalula]

That phrase. It gets on my nerves so much!
I'm a sahp, I see it as not a career, but yes an unpaid job because simply, someone has to do it.
If you were working to earn a wage you send your dc to nursery, school, ect. So in theory you are paying someone to look after your dc, to care for them, change nappies, feed and/ or prepare bottles/food, teach them the basics and more.
My problem is these people who say a sahp has it easy because it not a job.
I beg to differ. You don't get paid. You can't relax properly. Your children always 'need' you. Nappies changes. Bottle making. Meal prep and cooking/ feeding. Learning games. Being careful of bumps, trips and falls. The list is endless really.
Yes there is plusses which sometimes you can't do in paid work. Toilet breaks as you please. Drink breaks a you please. You can kind of do what you want if DC nap during day. You can have the TV on all day whilst entertaining DC.
So basically, yes, sahp is a job!!!

@Knittink miis!miiiis!miiiiiiiis!!
Mummy! Mummy! Muuuumyyyyyyyy

I'm always puzzled on these threads that SAHMs are considered to be a homogenous species.
The age and number of your DC, whether they have SEN, how much support you have, how much paid help you have all vastly impact how much work it is.

My SIL is a SAHM. Her youngest child is 9 and she has a cleaner and gardener and a DH who probably does more than 50% when he's about. She has lots of free time and spends it on hobbies. Is that really a job by anyone's standards?

This thread really demonstrates that a) people feel very defensive of their choices, whether it be to stay at home with children or work; b) nobody disputes that both being a SAHM and a working mum are very difficult and worthwhile functions (with varying degrees depending on children and job, but hey, it’s not a competition); c) some people really struggle to understand the basic definition of a job.

Being a sahp to your own kids doesn't make it a job anymore than cleaning my own house makes me a cleaner for a living

I’ve never heard anyone say that

I am at home with my children at the weekend so does that mean I have a weekend-job then?

This is so odd - I'm not sure why these are being pitted against each other.

I feel like I am doing two jobs very badly - but I'm doing my best as I don't have a choice.

I must say that as a SAHP you do have a lot more freedom to meet up with family and friend socially and organise outings to suit. That flexibility must be nice.

It's not easy but its not a job.

It may not be a job but it certainly can be bloody hard work, certainly when you have two or more children of pre-school age.

Knittink just for reference it is twisting when you say I "discount" things that I never did.

Not really. I pointed out that WOHPs do stuff with their dc at weekends. To which your response was something to the effect of "I never said anything about weekends!". No, you didn't. That doesn't mean they aren't relevant.

@Knittink you initially said "why on earth would you discount weekends" which I replied I never did "discount" them I didn't mention them at all.
They are completely relevant in your point, but not relating it back to my post.

Anywhooo I stand by my original points -

I'm not quite sure it really matters so much about the terminology job. It still amazes me how these threads go, surely we should all just appreciate each other as parents regardless

Surely SAHP and working parents both work really hard it's just different responsibilities are covered at different times.

As working parents of a pre school child don't spend the same amount of time with the child, nurturing them, Teaching them things and investing the time to help develop them, they pay someone else to do that through the day. -

HoppingPavlova you must be knackered.

Not any more. The thing is you can life that sort of life knowing it does have an end date, years away but there IS an end date as kids grow up. If we knew it was going to be that way until the day we died both DH and I would have necked ourselves at the time. But, you know you only need to tough it out for several years.

Still very perplexed as to how everyone on the thread seems to think it’s one or the other. Work and outsource OR sahp! Absolutely no acknowledgment given to the huge chunk of people where both parents work full time and cover all the childcare and at home stuff without outsourcing. To be clear I don’t consider school age kids being at school during school hours as outsourcing as I know some people will throw up, that’s ridiculous. I appreciate this set-up is not for everyone and that’s absolutely fine but from discussions you would think it’s a huge group of people that just don’t exist. The thing is all of these people don’t carry on that one part of their life is better or lessor than the other part of their life, more or less important, more or less meaningful even though they theoretically have 2 jobs including childcare/house so not sure what the hoo haa is all about?

Should have added at the age mine are now (older teen and young adult) my biggest problem is when they still want me as a personal taxi service but I have a glass firmly entrenched in my hand. My new catchphrase is “get an UBER”.

To give hope to those currently needing it, the seemingly never-ending hard graft does end people, it truely does .

@Knittink
My point was that all the things you mention (nurturing, teaching etc) are things that all good parents do during their time with their children. Your point appeared to be that SAHPs have more time with their children - which is perfectly true. How much quality time any parent spends with their child varies enormously from parent to parent
I think the thing you don't account for at all is that a SAHP that doesn't use childcare is solely responsible for the monitoring and supporting their DC's development. That is a massive thing and fundamentally different to parents that share this burden with professionals who can often provide support, advice and a respite during difficult episodes.

My oldest now goes to preschool for a few hours and for me this has been absolutely life changing. Not only can I share the burden of tracking her development and milestones with a professional but also I can be confident that she has been stimulated and socialised during her time at the setting. This means that my time with her can be more fun and unstructured as I know that these needs have been met to some extent already. When you're a SAHP without childcare all of this falls to you so I do find IME that my WOHP friends don't actually do all of the same things as me with my children that don't attend childcare. This isn't a criticism of them as I actually think that if they were to replicate what I do then their children would have overly structured and busy lives as they already get so much stimulation from nursery and often need a more relaxed approach during their time away from that setting. I adopt a similar stance for my DD that goes to preschool as what she needs from me has obviously changed since she joined preschool.

Since becoming a parent I have variously worked part time, full time and not at all. At no point have I ever considered the relationship with my children, or what I do for them, as a job.

I would say the hardest point for me was working part time with primary age children, as I was dropping them off then working until it was time to collect again.

a SAHP that doesn't use childcare is solely responsible for the monitoring and supporting their DC's development. That is a massive thing and fundamentally different to parents that share this burden with professionals

Plenty of WOHPs use family members for childcare, or work opposite hours to their partner. They don't all employ childcare professionals.

That's not my experience, Bumpity. I've been a SAHM and a WOHM. While I was working, my dc went to a childminder. There was no 'tracking their development and milestones with a professional'. She was simply a nice woman who minded my children. I never tracked my children's development and milestones when I was a SAHM either.

I honestly barely recognise this 'monitoring and supporting dc's development' as a discrete task, never mind a massive one. I hung out with my kids, played with them, read to them, fed them, took them out with me etc. All just normal day-to-day family activities, largely the same as they did at the childminder's. All their time was fun and unstructured, until they went to preschool part time a bit later, which was a bit more structured, but which they would have done whether I was working or not.

I'm honestly not trying to be difficult. I just don't recognise a difference in what SAHMs and WOHMs do with their dc, only a difference in how often they do it, as I did exactly the same things with mine when I was a SAHM and a WOHM.

a SAHP that doesn't use childcare is solely responsible for the monitoring and supporting their DC's development.
I’m solely responsible for cleaning my home and cooking dinner. Doesn’t make me a cleaner or a chef though.

Being a SAHP is bloody hard work but it’s just not a job. Jobs aren’t the only thing that has value. It doesn’t need to be a job to be important if you’re a SAHP be proud of what you do without trying to stick silly labels on it. You deserve it.

I honestly barely recognise this 'monitoring and supporting dc's development' as a discrete task, never mind a massive one. I hung out with my kids, played with them, read to them, fed them, took them out with me etc. All just normal day-to-day family activities, largely the same as they did at the childminder's.

You would recognise it, if you had a DC with SEN! Then, you have it all explained to you for the next 20 years by say speech and language therapists, educational psychologists, occupational therapists, consultant development paediatricians, physiotherapists, CAMHS, specialist teachers.....They explain each aspect of child development, that they deal with to you, and give you programmes to do with DC to help them progress, where their difficulties mean they are not developing normally!

(I won't count SENCOs or ordinary teachers, as ime, they did not have a clue!)

Then there is all the research you have to do around the SEN, reading books, articles, the internet, attending support groups, lectures by academics in the field, etc; because nobody gives you a handbook on how to bring up a child with several SEN. There is a lot you have to find out for yourself! Then, you become much more aware of child development, and what are the normal milestones - and how to do things like teach language, improve attention, and behaviour management of a very scared child in a world, they don't understand and which does not understand them!

I am far more aware of how DGD's communication and motor skills are developing, and how to encourage language, etc, because I am aware of what the red flags are.

It is not a job.

@RedSkyLastNight
Plenty of WOHPs use family members for childcare, or work opposite hours to their partner. They don't all employ childcare professionals
Fair point and there are also SAHMs that use childcare so it isn't strictly a SAHP/WOHP thing.

@ajw88
ALL parents are responsible for monitoring the development of their child, stimulating and nurturing them
All parents are ultimately accountable of course and those that use childcare are responsible for ensuring they choose a setting that provides these things, but practically there has to be some delegation of responsibility for the nursery or whatever to care for the child properly. For example you can't possibly be stimulating your child whilst you're at work, it's physically impossible unless you are a children's entertainer or something. Also most settings will formally observe children in their care and offer feedback to parents using the Early Years framework for reference. Of course a parent should remain vigilant and monitor their child's progress themselves but I find it strange that anyone would deny that having a professional also monitoring your child isn't helpful.

@gamerwidow
I’m solely responsible for cleaning my home and cooking dinner. Doesn’t make me a cleaner or a chef though
No, I'm not claiming that being a SAHP is a job! I was actually arguing that you might parent slightly differently if you are a SAHP Vs WOHP and do different things with your children. Using your analogies, if I hired a cleaner to clean some of my house or a chef to cook some of my meals then although I would still be doing some cleaning and cooking myself, the nature of what I do might differ e.g. I may only make myself a sandwich or salad for lunch every day knowing that the chef was cooking me a massive meal in the evening.

was actually arguing that you might parent slightly differently if you are a SAHP Vs WOHP and do different things with your children.
People parent differently full stop though. There are SAHP who do lots of activities with their children and SAHP who do nothing with their kids same as there are WOHP who do the same.
There is no universal parenting experience.

I really would let it bother you, why do you or others feel the need to define your decision in that way?

It's clear a SAHP has an invaluable role within the household and family whatever other people think of that is irrelevant. They obviously choose to parent in a different way which suits them.

I have never met anyone in RL who would tell me I don't have a job, the same as I would never feel the need to argue my role is a job. Everyone knows what a SAHP is, maybe not all know exactly what that entails for certain people depending on how you spend that time,

For people who say SAHP have loads of time on their hands they obviously do things very differently to myself. I agree you can schedule your own time. I made a lifestyle choice to have a child and before we had said child, we had already planned out what that would look like.

My hubby would continue to work and i would bring our child up full time until school, rather than wanting someone else to care for him the majority of his waking hours through the week. As I personally would not have had a child to then give to someone else to care for the majority of its day.

They are only babies for such a small amount of time. I want that time with my son, all the money in the world wouldn't tempt me back to my career yet or for the foreseeable. Some parents don't want that and that's OK as well. I say want as it is a choice a lot of the time.

I'm honestly not trying to be difficult. I just don't recognise a difference in what SAHMs and WOHMs do with their dc, only a difference in how often they do it, as I did exactly the same things with mine when I was a SAHM and a WOHM.

I think for me that was the point. I wanted to be the one doing that with my child the majority of the time, hence me being a SAHM.
I didn't want a childminder or nursery nurse relaying to me what my baby/toddler had done, I wanted to be doing it with them, laughing with them. There is enough time later on for them to be away from me at school. And I wanted to be the main caregiver through the day times. I know it's hard on my DH when he only gets to have tea and do bed time with our DS through the week, I just couldn't imagine that for me as a parent.

Time is so precious it's sounds very matter of fact when you say the only difference is how often you do it.....to me that is a massive difference.