"If you're a sahp it's not a job"

[Lunalula]

That phrase. It gets on my nerves so much!
I'm a sahp, I see it as not a career, but yes an unpaid job because simply, someone has to do it.
If you were working to earn a wage you send your dc to nursery, school, ect. So in theory you are paying someone to look after your dc, to care for them, change nappies, feed and/ or prepare bottles/food, teach them the basics and more.
My problem is these people who say a sahp has it easy because it not a job.
I beg to differ. You don't get paid. You can't relax properly. Your children always 'need' you. Nappies changes. Bottle making. Meal prep and cooking/ feeding. Learning games. Being careful of bumps, trips and falls. The list is endless really.
Yes there is plusses which sometimes you can't do in paid work. Toilet breaks as you please. Drink breaks a you please. You can kind of do what you want if DC nap during day. You can have the TV on all day whilst entertaining DC.
So basically, yes, sahp is a job!!!

Not if they’re paying someone else to do it.

Parenting is a 24/7 mental load but the actual day to day physical stuff is not being done by a wohp in that case.

My DC's went to ft nursery while I worked. Yes I paid someone else to take care of them during the day, but come 5pm I collected them, went home and cooked tea and did all the things the SAHM's had done while I was at work. So washing, cleaning, admin type stuff, catching up with family (which puts pressure on bc you need the time at home to make up for being out)

You are not paying someone else to take over your life, you pay them to feed and change and interact with your child for a few hours.

Actually Waitrose the only difference is a bit of toy/lunch mess, which the SAHP has time to tidy as they are home. The rest is the same, the clothes, mess, food from both breakfast and tea and all weekend remains. The paperwork, repairs, home care,
Emotional and school support on and on remains. Difference being

Posted too soon - difference being you do all that but in the limited time between when they go to bed and when they wake up as you don’t have the time in the day to do it as you are working.

I’m a full time working parent to three under 9 with no financial or time support from their dad.

I win.

Or of course we could all lay off each other and do our own thing. I just don’t want someone who is a SAHP telling me I “outsource” all the work / childcare as it’s simply not true.

Oh great. The millionth sahp/wohp bunfight on Mumsnet. Such larks!

HoppingPavlova the WOHP who do all that you describe can only be the ones who have a job in school hours/term time.

????? How do you arrive at that? It involves getting up at 5am and going to bed at 1am basically. For several years neither DH nor myself would have had any more than 4hrs sleep a night in order to fit everything in. It didn’t help we also had one with physical disabilities with a lot of additional care needs that took up time. It’s also a case of arranging shift work starts/finishes to weekdays only and coordinating with school starts and finishing times when you reach the school stage so someone does one end and someone does the other end.

At school age, we had 2 afternoons where the kids were in after school care for an hour after school until someone could get them. So I guess 2 hours of outsourcing there. Again, that means someone starts at the crack of in order to do this. Someone starts late, finishes late. Not sure what you are rabbiting on about in regards to not working school holidays???? Between us we had 8 weeks leave/year. The kids had 12 weeks school holidays. Obviously between us we covered 8 weeks and we worked the other 4 weeks and the kids went to vacation care for school hours where they did lots of fun stuff they would never do with us at home during the hols - movies, amusement parks, horseriding, swimming, beach play, visiting performers etc and best of all they got to do it with schoolfriends.

I know of others who took nightshift only when their kids got to school age. That meant they could get home, tag with the other parent who was on their way out the door, finish getting the kids ready, get them to school, come home grab few hours sleep, get up, do some household chores, pick kids up from school, do homework/taxi around to after school activities, get dinner, tag with partner arriving home, get another hour or two sleep, off to work. Weekends taken up with more housework, shopping, kids sports etc. They would howl with laughter about only being able to work in school hours and term time. How absolutely clueless.

I’m certainly not saying one is better than the other as you seem intent on pushing but it does stand that it’s one job versus two jobs if you want to go down that path.

So I'm currently at sahm but I am a qualified nursery nurse. So activities from day to day are very similar. So someone explain that

I’m not a martyr and I don’t see any virtue in making out like I have a harder life or work harder than others - reality is I have a pretty easy cushy life even if the “everything right now” aspect of looking after multiple small children drives me batty. They sleep a lot even as toddlers (my kids, not all kids) so I get downtime to do my own thing.

But it’s this sense that I’m not really valuable that gets to me. I think that’s why SAHMs want to consider it a job or list all the stuff they do. They think people think their net contribution to society is via sales of Bon bons and sky tv. Which is utterly unfair. They think people think they’re probably a bit thick or they’d be out doing something more valuable and meaningful than wasting time nurturing small people on whom the future of society rests.

So much labour - paid and unpaid - that involves looking after people is looked at with such contempt, considered only really worthwhile for people who literally can’t do anything else.

I think that’s ducked up and ducks society up.

@empmalswa
My DC's went to ft nursery while I worked. Yes I paid someone else to take care of them during the day, but come 5pm I collected them, went home and cooked tea and did all the things the SAHM's had done while I was at work. So washing, cleaning, admin type stuff, catching up with family (which puts pressure on bc you need the time at home to make up for being out)
I am a SAHM to a toddler and preschooler and don't get to do much cleaning, admin etc during the working day either. I actually find most of my time is taken up either entertaining them or doing an activity that wouldn't be required if they were in childcare e.g. Making lunch and cleaning up afterwards, taking them to groups, tidying up the millions of toys they have got out. My kids are definitely of the more demanding variety though, so I do think that some SAHPs are able to get more done than me but I just wanted to point out that it definitely isn't a given that being a SAHP enables you to get more of the domestic stuff done in the daytime.

I am not a stay at home parent myself but this drives me mad...how can people that say it’s not work!l?! Minding children full time is the hardest job there is. People who say otherwise must not have experienced it. I’ll tell anyone who will listen my views as it was the biggest shock for me to realise how challenging it is!

HoppingPavlova you must be knackered. You don't have to justify your life to me though. It wasn't me implying that one type of parent was superior to the other.

What @bumpitybumper said.

I didnt get time to do housework or admin during the day when I was a sahm - that got done once they were in bed. I did the same activities with them as they would have done with a childminder/nursery.

It is a job as far as I'm concerned. I work outside the home in 2 jobs. Then i come home to 3asd dc and 2 nt dc. My days off aren't days off. There's physio, o.t, sensory programmes, paed appointments. and that's just a few i can think of right now. And lots and lots of driving!

As a sahm iwake up before DC yo pit a wash on then if I have enough time hang it up or give them breakfast whilst hang it up. I then do activities with them focusing on their interests and what they need to be learning to progress. Some activities they don't like, they won't participate so I change. Not everything is planned. When it gets to about 5pm, do is on his way home so that's when I start dinner and clean up house. Tidying toys I do throughout the day with DC. An hour in afternoon when dd naps, my Ds has screen time his tablet or TV sometimes both whilst I do some exercise. That's not much different when I was a nursery nurse, the children who didn't nap would be at computer or tablet playing games, listening and watching stories and nursery rhymes. And as a nursery nurse (or NY job tbf) everyone is entitles to one hour break so you do what you want in that hour, when I worked I'd eat my lunch, have a cuppa, go for a walk and listen to music. Same difgernce

I am a SAHM to a toddler and preschooler and don't get to do much cleaning, admin etc during the working day either.

People often say similar. When I stayed at home I absolutely had time to put on a wash, wave a duster about and run over with the hoover. I find it bizarre that SAHM's claim they can't do this whilst there is a child/children at home.

As a SAHM to preschoolers I absolutely have time to put a wash on etc. I do spend the vast majority of my day actually looking after my DC (feeding them, doing activities, taking them out and about etc) but I have the odd 10 mins to fill the dishwasher and run the hoover around.
DH works from home mostly, he’s very senior and spends most of his day on conference calls but he also has the odd 10 mins to put wash on and hoover (and occasionally go to the gym which is a luxury I don’t get ).

If you didn't do it, then someone else would have to be paid to do it.

Ergo: it's a job.

I have three under 6. When the oldest was a baby, then toddler I absolutely did NOT have time to do anything. The kid was hanging off my legs, my back, my arm, screaming Screaming screaming Screaming every hour of every day for the first 3 years or so. I had to put him into nursery for a few days just to get my sanity back and do the frigging house chores. Middle one was great - could be left to play in her little corner and she would happily play on her own. Youngest doesn't scream but is always hanging off the back of my clothes, crying to be cuddled or picked up so I make time for her when I can and the laundry gets left until after they've gone to bed.

If you didn't do it, then someone else would have to be paid to do it.

Or you would be guilty of neglect.

Ergo: it's parental responsibility.

The kid was hanging off my legs, my back, my arm, screaming Screaming screaming Screaming every hour of every day for the first 3 years or so

That's not normal behaviour though, is it? Your description is quite extreme.

That's not normal behaviour though, is it? Your description is quite extreme
He wasn't a normal baby. Made me want to kill myself.

I'm not taking away the fact it is hard going, but you know what, it's called being a parent and maintaining a home and those who are working parents have to do those things too.

Working parents are not actually caring for their children, all the hours they are out of the house, travelling to work and being in their work place. They are not breastfeeding/bottle feeding, nappy changing, weaning, teaching language, potty training, teaching nursery rhymes, taking the children to the park and play groups, while they are at work, are they?

Working parents may do the same parenting, once they are at home in the evenings and weekends; but to say they do all the parenting all day (or whenever their shifts are), same as SAHPs, they must be in major denial!

He wasn't a normal baby. Made me want to kill myself.

I'm sorry

Mine's very part time. My 2 younger DC are at school, so from 8.50 to 3.15 I'm not working at being a SAHM. Both mornings and evenings have long periods when I'm not parenting.

When I was a sahm I had a hell of a lot more time to do housework, baking, reading etc... seeing friends for coffee and cake while the kids played etc ..I definitely did not have to get up before the kids to put washing on etc ...and didn't spend the whole day doing structured activities?!? I'd get all the housework done when they were napping, once they stopped naps they'd still need a bit of soda and tv time in the afternoon and then they were at playgroup a couple of mornings a week plus they were always asleep by 7 so I'd have a whole evening to myself - and managed to study and do two voluntary roles with kids in tow. The broken nights, repetitiveness and tantrums etc mean it was very challenging so I certainly don't look back on it as an easy time though.