Life in the country - the reality

[tinstar]

DH is keen for us to retire to the country having spent all our married life on the outskirts of a big city.

I don't like where we live now - too crowded, noisy, dirty and crime is on the rise.

But I'm scared that I will feel lonely and isolated in the country. We've looked on line at some beautiful properties in the south-west. Great in summer but in the winter .....

I wondered if anyone has made a similar move and if it worked for them?

Apart from finding it difficult to make friends another concern (please don't laugh) is that if we get a house with a thatched roof or outbuildings, we'll have to cope with mice or even rats.

Any advice?

Looking at my extended family it seems ok if you like driving, they do fewer bigger shops and have to plan days out more. If something happened to stop them driving things would get very difficult.

I haven't moved to the countryside but have lived in the south west and rurally for a number of years.

I don't think the winters are harsh if you have a heating system. I rented a rural property with no heating apart from an open fire and that WAS cold and a lot of work keeping the fire lit all day.

Only folk I know with mice or the odd rat are farming folk, all normal with farm outhouses. I haven't heard of rats or mice in thatches.

Perhaps look for a village with facilities or the edge of a market town. Where I live loads of older people are having a great retirement and were close to lots of wonderful countryside.

I live very rurally and we sometimes joke that our lives are one long battle against the elements and small animals. You will both need a car, pref at least one 4x4. You will be expected to be at the very least friendly to your small village neighbours if not play a big part in supporting it by helping on committees.

Or move to a small market town. Still plenty of drugs and crime though.

If you are completely inexperienced at rural living, I would try to rent a house in the kind of environment in which you would contemplate living -- even as an Air BnB off season, or something, preferably in poor weather.

We moved from London to a house from which we couldn't see any neighbours, half a mile down a track from the nearest road -- but I'd spent periods of my pre-London life living in very isolated places in France and Ireland (I'm talking situations where I would not have a conversation with another person for a month at a time), so it wasn't a shock.

Are you someone who is afraid being in an isolated house by yourself, should your DH be away -- do barking muntjac or foxes screaming alarm you? Rats and mice are certainly a possibility, though where we live now, our only infestation has been squirrels in the roofspace. I had more trouble with mice living in London.

In terms of logistics, you will need to be more organised -- you will need a big freezer, fill up on petrol before leaving town, keep emergency cash in the house, and to have a stockpile of food for emergencies. How far away are you prepared to be from the nearest shop where you can buy the paper and a pint of milk? Deliveries may not be possible. Your postbox may be down at the roadside. How far are you prepared to travel for a social life, if you want one? Do you like driving? Are you OK with reversing into stopping places on single-track roads? You might have to change your car to something that can cope with rough surfaces in snowy weather.

If you are used to living on the edge of a city, I would not recommend going the full rural. It will be a massive culture shock and you may need to move again as you age. There are a lot of options between city and total rural.
Have you considered a market town or a village with facilities close to a town? Could be the best of both worlds. Quieter but with access to the day to day services.
Also, those old, thatched cottages or other period properties are all very well in summer, but blimey they can be cold/expensive to heat in winter.

I live in a small countryside village and I love it, used to live in a very busy city! The community here is lovely, always things going on. Only about 15 minute drive to a town which is handy. Not sure if your looking at more rural than that though. X

I have lived rurally.

Village life revolved around the Church and the Pub or the school.

I am not religious and I don’t drink and I didn’t have children.

I felt completely alone.

The people around me, a lot who had never ventured more than a few miles thought the place was the centre of the universe and it was difficult to find any common ground.

Since met a couple of people from the same place who in their words “escaped” (both used the same word).
Both said it wasn’t just me who felt that way about the place. They could never connect to their own family as they found the same mentality as I came across.

I would suggest renting for a year or 2 before selling your own home just to make sure you are happy. Maybe move around to a few different villages until you find the one where you feel at home.

Also, those old, thatched cottages or other period properties are all very well in summer, but blimey they can be cold/expensive to heat in winter

Lived in a thatched house. Cool in Summer and cosy and warm in Winter. Definitely not cold and expensive to heat.

(Mine had 7ft thick walls)

We do both have cars so that's not an issue. We've had lots of holidays in the south west but of course 1 or 2 weeks isn't the same as knowing you'll be there permanently.

We stayed in Somerset a few weeks ago and there were definitely small animals scrabbling around in the roof space above my head on a night 😱. Drove our dog mad!

I think DH is hoping for as remote as possible but I'd like to be part of a village - if I thought that people would be welcoming and there'd be opportunities to 'join in'.

Village life revolved around the Church and the Pub or the school.

This is what worries me. I can see it would be easy to integrate if you have young dcs but mine are all adults. Not religious either. That just leaves the pub ....

Whereabouts in the south west having you been looking at moving to OP?

I've never lived in another village so can only go by what mine is like, but we have our village magazine that comes every week and theres lots of things going on here and the other surrounding villages. I was worried moving here thinking I'd feel isolated but it's nothing like that, I never want to leave! Lol. Is it just south west your interested in?

but I'd like to be part of a village - if I thought that people would be welcoming and there'd be opportunities to 'join in'.

I think this will vary enormously from place to place, but I have no idea how to detect it in advance.

I've found living in the large, picture-postcard-pretty village we live in now awful -- I'm a friendly, confident person who has never had the slightest difficulty making friends in all kinds of environments, but in six and a half years, I haven't made a single real friend here, despite doing all the right things, and in fact arriving with a baby on maternity leave and attending all the local baby/toddler groups and events, and ending up running one group.

I made friends through work in the nearest city, but I find the village very closed, undiverse and conservative, with very few people without a longstanding connection to the place moving in, and people socialising largely within their extended families or with childhood friends. I found it far less lonely living down a dirt track in much deeper countryside!

We're looking at North Somerset at the moment. Also Devon, Gloucestershire, Herefordshire, Wiltshire ...

I think a village would be a good compromise if you’re worried about making friends super remote probably isn’t for you. I live very remotely currently and as with the above poster I can easily go weeks without having a conversation with anyone other than my husband or the couple of guys who work on our land. It can get very lonely and we don’t intend to stay this remotely forever.

I am from Somerset ( and have lived in South and North Somerset) and now live in East Devon.
Devon has been a bit frosty with regards to making friends ( my children are adult too ) outside work, but that is just my experience.

I live on the edge of a small village - from our house the view is totally rural. The village is about 2 miles to a market town.

We need two cars.

The village community is great. There are walking groups, WI, a very active amateur dramatics group, craft groups, running groups, bridge groups and a lunch club as well as the children and pub based activities. If you are willing to get involved (and ignore the my grandfather's grandfather was born in this village this gives me more rights to comment on the dog poo situation type pettiness) then it's a great place to live. I do like being able to walk to somethings and even be in town. The bus service has deteriorated massively since we moved here.

I'd compromise on being in a community or the edge of one if I were you.

I'd retire to a very small town/ large village. Somewhere with grocers, pharmacy, GP, dentist at a minimum. I live in Worcestershire in a v small town and a lot of people retire here (inc from the local area where they have lived rurally) because it is somewhere you can do just about everything on a mobility scooter if you had to, but while active can be out in open countryside within a 5 min walk.

You need to do what DH and I did, and compromise. We live in a town so small estate agents like to call it a village, with a few shops, a cafe and a pub. It's quiet and I get to look out of the window at fields instead of busy roads, and townie DH is happy we're a 5 minute walk away from the shop so we can get an emergency loaf of bread.

If you're worried about wildlife inside your house I suggest a new build!

One last thing: you absolutely do not need a 4x4 in England unless you're planning to literally live in a field with no road nearby. I grew up properly rurally and we did fine with my mum's old Fiesta.

I grew up in a village. Sadly I think the number of village activities has dropped off as more "incomers" have moved in - they commute from the village but aren't really interested in joining in.
It's not completely dead but thinks like the Guides and the Youth Club are no more.
That said I do miss it and when we recently moved from city centre to a town we bought right on the edge with open fields at the end of the street for now so there is a bit of a village feel.

I can see it would be easy to integrate if you have young dcs but mine are all adults.

Not necessarily. We have a lively seven year old who has lots of playdates, but these haven't yielded adult friendships, and as we both work, we don't really do the school gate thing.

There is a village monthly magazine, and a lot of things happen at the village hall, but they tend to be WI, Mother's Union, lawn bowls, Conservative Club. I've genuinely tried with the church, despite not being C of E, but it's very evangelical and conservative and teaches the Bible as literally true.

I did join the walking club, but literally every other person on the three walks I managed to go on was a sixtysomething man who looked shocked and embarrassed at the sight of me (39, female, foreign) -- I think one said 'I bet you're sorry you came!' I think that the same ten guys had probably been doing the same walks for years, and I felt as though I'd gatecrashed a senior citizen Tory convention, as that was all they talked about for ten miles on all three walks.

And when I tried to join a local book group I'd heard about by word of mouth I was told it was full. The choir said they 'didn't need any more sopranos.' I was on the committee fighting a new development, leafletted to flag up a bus service under threat, DH and I help out with Beavers and village litter-picks, and I ran one of the toddler groups until I went back to work on the day it met, but, as no one would take it over from me, it was wound up. I think I'm done.

We have perfectly nice neighbours who would help in an emergency, but I just think the village is a poor match for us.

I'm following with interest as we've always had the same idea, however now we can do it I'm not so sure.
My main concern is seeing my grown up kids, I know they'd visit but they couldn't come for just sunday lunch so visits realistically would be less.
Another worry is making new friends and making the leap from casual acquaintances to having a nice group of friends to socialise with, that takes time in my experience.