Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Retirement

Planning your retirement? Join our Retirement forum for advice and help from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else with a parent who won’t retire?

113 replies

Dressinggowntime · 21/08/2024 00:34

Mum is 71 and doggedly continuing in her NHS job full time. She enjoys it and her colleagues adore her but I really wish she would retire. I feel we’re missing out on time with her. DH’s parents both died suddenly and it’s really made me think. I know it’s her choice. Anyone else in a similar boat?

OP posts:
MrsKwazi · 21/08/2024 00:42

Honestly, let her be. As long as she is happy, that really is all that counts.

sangriaandsunshineplease · 21/08/2024 00:46

Are you missing out on time with her? What hours is she working? Are you not also at work in those hours and your DC in school? Or, if you're all in 9-5 type roles, is it that she's too tired from work or too busy doing housework and errands to meet up at weekends and in the evenings and that is what you're missing out on?

GodspeedJune · 21/08/2024 00:47

It’s probably keeping her going. I’ve seen relatives really deteriorate once they’ve stopped working.

ViciousCurrentBun · 21/08/2024 00:47

MIL taught yoga, but that was around 10 hours a week and travelling time so far less hours she was almost 76. If it makes her happy that’s great.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/08/2024 00:51

Lots of people shuffle off the mortal coil not long after retirement, I'd say let her keep on and make the most of whatever time you do have with her, spoil her a bit.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2024 01:09

Please just be happy that your mum is happy. She's dedicated a massive part of her life to you and any other siblings you may have. These are her golden years, not yours.

xxxjanxxx · 21/08/2024 01:13

@Dressinggowntime Mum is 71 and doggedly continuing in her NHS job full time. She enjoys it and her colleagues adore her but I really wish she would retire. I feel we’re missing out on time with her. DH’s parents both died suddenly and it’s really made me think. I know it’s her choice. Anyone else in a similar boat?

To be absolutely brutal about it (sorry!) why should your mum give up working just so YOU don't feel you're missing out on what YOU think is a priority. What will this add to her life?

Why on earth do you describe it as 'doggedly continuing' when she's obviously happy??
Surely, if she were to give up work, SHE would then feel she was missing out on what SHE considers a priority?

And why on earth do you think she shouldn't still be working at 71 when she's enjoying her job? 71 isn't the ancient age you think it is.

She's living her life doing what she wants to do just as, presumably, you're living your life doing what you want to do?

While I can totally understand your sentiment of wanting to spend more time with her, is there not another way of doing this that doesn't involve ALL of the compromise being on your DM's part?

Does she work 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, which means that she hasn't got time for you?
Or is it just that her working hours clash with the times you feel are convenient for spending time with her?

timetodecide2345 · 21/08/2024 01:16

Ah the egocentrism of youth raises its head once again!

It's not all about you dear!

Toddlerteaplease · 21/08/2024 01:21

We have a 73 year old nurse on my ward. We are desperate for her to retire for good this time. She's really not up to it any more. My best friend is still going in an incredibly stressful job. And is desperate to retire.

theduchessofspork · 21/08/2024 01:21

You want your mum to give up her job, because you want to spend time with her before she dies?!

Whose life is this??! She’s brought you up, her time is her own now. And anyway, I presume you aren’t going to spend all day with her - do you expect her to hang about doing nothing the rest of the time?

Apart from this, keeping up a job is about the best protection there is from dementia

Finally - she’s 71 not 91 - it’s not especially old to still be working

Honestly OP, get a grip and stop being so self centred

xxxjanxxx · 21/08/2024 02:03

@Toddlerteaplease We have a 73 year old nurse on my ward. We are desperate for her to retire for good this time. She's really not up to it any more. My best friend is still going in an incredibly stressful job. And is desperate to retire.

Sorry, but not sure what your point is?!
Is 73 too old for anybody to work , or is it just the particular nurse who works on your ward?

(and I'm not sure how your best friend and her desperation to retire fits into all this?? )

tuttuttutt · 21/08/2024 02:29

If shes happy that's the main thing. Lots of people like the routine of work and it's obviously good for her mental health. Let her be. Turning 70 doesn't suddenly turn you into an old duffer needing help from your children. Let her be.

tuttuttutt · 21/08/2024 02:31

Do you plan on seeing her every day? Surely there's weekends and evenings

tuttuttutt · 21/08/2024 02:32

Toddlerteaplease · 21/08/2024 01:21

We have a 73 year old nurse on my ward. We are desperate for her to retire for good this time. She's really not up to it any more. My best friend is still going in an incredibly stressful job. And is desperate to retire.

How is this or your friend relevant? Op hasn't said what her dm does for work. More ageist bs

FamousFriends · 21/08/2024 02:33

theduchessofspork · 21/08/2024 01:21

You want your mum to give up her job, because you want to spend time with her before she dies?!

Whose life is this??! She’s brought you up, her time is her own now. And anyway, I presume you aren’t going to spend all day with her - do you expect her to hang about doing nothing the rest of the time?

Apart from this, keeping up a job is about the best protection there is from dementia

Finally - she’s 71 not 91 - it’s not especially old to still be working

Honestly OP, get a grip and stop being so self centred

A friend's dad is now 81 and has refused to give up working, much to his wife's dismay. She had been looking forward to them retiring together and travelling the world, having adventures etc. (they are extremely wealthy so this has been entirely possible) but he has just been diagnosed with dementia and now cannot travel, have adventures etc. His insistence on continuing to work has been entirely selfish and his wife has missed out on 20 years of fun together with her husband that she can now never get back.

FictionalCharacter · 21/08/2024 02:43

Oof. Sorry OP but your mum's life is her own and she's the only person who is entitled to decide how she spends her time.
She doesn't owe you anything.

InevitableNameChanger · 21/08/2024 02:47

My granny kept retiring as a Dr and then being drawn back to working. And then even once she properly retired she continued to do lots of informal Voluntary stuff to do with medicine and then even once she was so disabled she was in a nursing home she still had well read copies of medical journals scattered around her room

Be glad your mum has a job she loves so much, it's a real gift to enjoy your job enough that you aren't counting down to retirement.

Aliceal · 21/08/2024 05:43

Are you wanting her to retire so she can babysit the kids? I just can’t understand how her working impacts you?

Exception7 · 21/08/2024 06:23

Good for your Mum. The key factor here is that she’s enjoying it. Why on earth would she want to stop and what would she do with her time if she retired? The only thing that’s important here is that she’s happy and it looks like she is. Be happy for her!

MoveToParis · 21/08/2024 06:27

My Dad’s 86 and still working, though definitely much more part time now.

Not in the NHS though!

paradisecircus · 21/08/2024 06:30

She enjoys her job and her colleagues adore her. Two very strong reasons for her to carry on, if that's what she wants. What would you imagine her doing if she gave up work?

Rocknrollstar · 21/08/2024 06:35

It never occurred to DD to retire. He was in his 70s and met some people at the bus stop that he used to meet every morning. They had retired and were off out for the day. DD came home that evening and said he had decided to retire. DH had the sort of job you could do from work and I know he would still be working from choice if the company hadn’t undergone a major upheaval.

crockofshite · 21/08/2024 06:44

xxxjanxxx · 21/08/2024 02:03

@Toddlerteaplease We have a 73 year old nurse on my ward. We are desperate for her to retire for good this time. She's really not up to it any more. My best friend is still going in an incredibly stressful job. And is desperate to retire.

Sorry, but not sure what your point is?!
Is 73 too old for anybody to work , or is it just the particular nurse who works on your ward?

(and I'm not sure how your best friend and her desperation to retire fits into all this?? )

This is a 'chat' forum and this poster is here having a chat .

You've come along and are trying to shut her down. That's not very sociable of you.

CatherinedeBourgh · 21/08/2024 06:46

My mum is soon to be 80 and working full time. She never plans to retire, and I'm glad for her, she really enjoys her job and would be at a loss for what to do without it.

Why on earth would it mean missing out on your time with her? What is she expected to do, childcare? If not, then surely you can see her around her work?

SilverGlitterBaubles · 21/08/2024 06:48

My DM worked for the NHS until she was 70 and was forced to retire by a combination of pressure from family and DF illness. She has been very unhappy ever since, her job was her life. DF has recovered but he does not have the energy for much. They spend all their time at home pottering around, listening to endless news, getting more and more miserable and fearful it is sad to see. OP as long as your DM is happy and able to continue working leave her be as retiring might not be the outcome you want.