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Retirement

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Original poster

Anyone else with a parent who won’t retire?

113 replies

Dressinggowntime · 21/08/2024 00:34

Mum is 71 and doggedly continuing in her NHS job full time. She enjoys it and her colleagues adore her but I really wish she would retire. I feel we’re missing out on time with her. DH’s parents both died suddenly and it’s really made me think. I know it’s her choice. Anyone else in a similar boat?

OP posts:
deleteitforpro56 · 21/08/2024 06:57

My parents are 69+70 and working keeps them young!

They always talk about cutting back but never do.

Their work funds their holidays.

They seem 10years younger than their age.

They do plan to cut back gradually but no plans to retire for a long time yet.

I know so many people who retire and then seem to age 10years as they lose their purpose.

Retirement suits some but it doesn't suit everyone.

If your mum is currently happy working let her. See her on her days off.

deleteitforpro56 · 21/08/2024 06:59

To add - my DHs parents both retired when they hit 50 (they got great redundancy payouts hence retiring so early)

Since they have retired they have done nothing. They go no where. They sit in their chairs at home and occasionally tend to the garden. They were acting like 70 year olds when 50.

They seem happy with this lifestyle. Others would hate it.

EternallyDelighted · 21/08/2024 07:05

If she loves it and wants to keep doing it then that's her choice. It might be frustrating for family members who anticipate retirement for her but why should she give up such an important part of her life just to please others? Not everyone wants to travel, volunteer, look after grandchildren.

ALunchbox · 21/08/2024 07:06

I know many people who aged a lot once they retired so I'd see her working as a good thing if you are worried about losing her.

Lovelysummerdays · 21/08/2024 07:12

Sometimes it doesn’t have to be the end of work though. My great aunt was a nurse practitioner in the NHS retired as going part time would of made a difference to final salary pension. She retrained as a dental nurse and does that two days a week at a surgery walking distance from the house.

Dometimes s change is as good as a rest.

Fiery30 · 21/08/2024 07:15

It is quite thoughtless of you to say your mother should retire. You should be thankful that she is in good physical and mental health to be able to continue working. I'm sure the routine gives her a sense of purpose. It will keep her sharp and mentally active too. What would you want her to do instead? How are you missing out on time with her? My mother extended her work tenure to the maximum age till which she was allowed to work at her institution. Even after retirement, she hasn't slowed down and does a lot of things related to her profession and passion. I can't imagine telling her to stop as I can see how genuinely happy it makes her.

Grateful10QLord · 21/08/2024 07:25

My DF put off retirement till 7 years ago. He became so miserable. He talked of going back to work but some of my siblings were against it. So he quietly started a business which was going well till covid.
After covid he went back to work - fulltime. He is very happy. He enjoys his social life, hanging out with friends and colleagues, going to the gym, attending parties, occasions, conferences going to the gym. He bought himself a new car 2 years ago. He is just having a great time.
He will be 93 years in a few months.
I know if he wasn't working, he wouldn't last a year.

Scarletrunner · 21/08/2024 07:28

Yes, I can understand your feelings OP as an oldie myself. Some of my over 70 friends are fit and spry whilst others have died or are very poorly with various complaints -if your DM is one of the latter group you will miss out and so will your DCs. Fingers crossed she remains well.

Disasterclass · 21/08/2024 07:31

My DM is 79 and no sign of retiring. She loves her job and I'm pleased that she lives a fulfilling life. If anything I'm a bit worried what will happen when she retires as I think her health could go downhill once she's doesn't have the routine and the mental challenge of work.

We see her at weekends and holidays and she spends time with her grandchildren, so I don't consider anyone missing out on anything

Immemorialelms · 21/08/2024 07:32

Boo hoo hoo, I want my mum to come round and look after me and be there to watch my children, on my time frame! And she selfishly insists on doing her own stuff to keep herself healthy and stave off dementia and immobility!

You don't know you're born. Parents in their later 70s and 80s don't become people you "spend time with". The sad reality is they become like your own children only worse - intransigent, a huge worry, calling on your help at random times, and eventually there is an all-consuming part where you are emotionally stretched to the limit, handling their lives financially, emotionally, and as a manager liaising with doctors and social care.

Your best hope is that the last all-consuming stage lasts only weeks, like it does with a sudden illness, not several years like it does with dementia.

Please enjoy your mum as a lovely vital person with her own life and enjoy making the effort to see her and fit round HER life. You'll be wishing these days back soon enough.

TorroFerney · 21/08/2024 07:37

FamousFriends · 21/08/2024 02:33

A friend's dad is now 81 and has refused to give up working, much to his wife's dismay. She had been looking forward to them retiring together and travelling the world, having adventures etc. (they are extremely wealthy so this has been entirely possible) but he has just been diagnosed with dementia and now cannot travel, have adventures etc. His insistence on continuing to work has been entirely selfish and his wife has missed out on 20 years of fun together with her husband that she can now never get back.

Show quote history

But that’s irrelevant, op isn’t married to her mother.

Flibflobflibflob · 21/08/2024 07:40

I think being a nurse must mean she’s moving around, she’s on her feet, she’s making decisions, she’s thinking, she’s keeping up. It’s probably what is keeping her well and together. Nothing wrong with retirement either, it suits some and doesn’t suit others.

Unless you are literally planning to spend 24/7 with her what you mean is you want her to be available to you when it’s convenient to you. Thats deeply unfair, she has a life she enjoys and it sounds full, she raised you and she has her life back and is using her time as she sees fit. She’s a human being, women do have the right to not have to centre adult children.

Mandarinaduck · 21/08/2024 08:13

I very strongly doubt that your mother sees her major purpose in life as being generally available to her adult DC (and DGC if any). You might very well be her greatest love, achievement, legacy and pride but the day-to-day motivation and purpose of having a job that you love would for many people far outweigh greater availability for the family (unless the job is so all-consuming she literally has no time for you).

But perhaps I’ve misunderstood what you mean by having more time together - how do you see that in practice?

curious79 · 21/08/2024 08:15

If your mum is happily in a job she loves DON’T encourage her to leave!! It gives her purpose, keeps her active. Retirement is the literal death of people - there’s a lot of evidence for that

HoppingPavlova · 21/08/2024 08:19

I don’t understand. Is it she works weekend shifts and so is unavailable when you/DH have days off work? Surely, even though working, she has holiday leave entitlement so you could organise holiday time together if you don’t live near each other? Struggling to see the core of the issue that can’t be solved.

anyolddinosaur · 21/08/2024 08:26

It's her choice. She's happy and active when she could be at home, inactive, depressed and waiting to die. Many people who retire from paid work do a lot of voluntary work.

She could possibly go part time if she wanted to but be glad she is happy.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 21/08/2024 08:34

My Dad is 77 and still works. Only a few hours a day, but it suits him perfectly and he absolutely loves it.

He'd be bored silly if he stopped working.

PerkyMintDeer · 21/08/2024 08:34

Mine plodded on in the NHS until 76 and within weeks of retirement seemed to have aged 20 years...they went from "young for their age" to "old for their age" and retirement hasn't been all that nice for either of them. I think they lost their identity and purpose...their careers were their vocation and starting over with volunteering or hobbies where no one knows them feels too overwhelming for them. Their lives have got smaller and smaller and I feel really sad and sorry for them. I think they've both been very depressed and don't know what to do. Not interested in travelling or going to events. Their careers were their life and they had no retirement plans.

All they do is potter around the house, watch TV and worry or have morbid thoughts. I try to get them out as much as I can and distract them but it's not the retirement I'd envisaged for my parents.

Musicaltheatremum · 21/08/2024 08:35

@Dressinggowntime don't know how she keeps going but good on her. It will keep her brain active. Inactivity in retirement is not good. So as long as she's not stressed by her job keep at it.
I hope she has claimed her pension though. She would have been due it at 60 so she'd have lost a lot of money if she hasn't

largeeyes · 21/08/2024 08:35

GodspeedJune · 21/08/2024 00:47

It’s probably keeping her going. I’ve seen relatives really deteriorate once they’ve stopped working.

Same- I've seen it so often I think it's literally a phenomenon.

Let her be- it's what she wants to do and it gives her a purpose.

Original poster
Dressinggowntime · 21/08/2024 08:38

Wasn’t expecting quite so much backlash. Probably didn’t put enough detail in my post. Apologies for the drip feed. The role she does is quite demanding. She leaves the house at 6am every day. She does have some physical issues as well. She tells me she’s tired. We live a few of hours away so we can’t see her in the evenings ( she’d be too tired anyway) and often she’ll say she’s too busy doing her food shopping, housework etc at the weekend . We probably see her once a month. She’s had a hard life for a lot of reasons and yes I’d like to see her more, but I’d also like to see her just relaxing a bit more, taking a few more holidays with friends. She’s a very popular person and she’ll often say to me that a friend has asked her for lunch or to go for a meal but she’s too tired. I think she does get a lot of pleasure from work. She’s very well respected etc but I’d like to see her having more balance. She doesn’t book herself on holidays. I think part of it is financial. She talks about wanting to leave us with a decent amount when she dies but I don’t want it. I’d rather she wasn’t working so hard.

OP posts:
Duckingella · 21/08/2024 08:39

Aliceal · 21/08/2024 05:43

Are you wanting her to retire so she can babysit the kids? I just can’t understand how her working impacts you?

I wondered this too.

Notamum12345577 · 21/08/2024 08:41

Grateful10QLord · 21/08/2024 07:25

My DF put off retirement till 7 years ago. He became so miserable. He talked of going back to work but some of my siblings were against it. So he quietly started a business which was going well till covid.
After covid he went back to work - fulltime. He is very happy. He enjoys his social life, hanging out with friends and colleagues, going to the gym, attending parties, occasions, conferences going to the gym. He bought himself a new car 2 years ago. He is just having a great time.
He will be 93 years in a few months.
I know if he wasn't working, he wouldn't last a year.

He is working full time at 93?! That’s impressive

Edingril · 21/08/2024 08:42

Dressinggowntime · 21/08/2024 08:38

Wasn’t expecting quite so much backlash. Probably didn’t put enough detail in my post. Apologies for the drip feed. The role she does is quite demanding. She leaves the house at 6am every day. She does have some physical issues as well. She tells me she’s tired. We live a few of hours away so we can’t see her in the evenings ( she’d be too tired anyway) and often she’ll say she’s too busy doing her food shopping, housework etc at the weekend . We probably see her once a month. She’s had a hard life for a lot of reasons and yes I’d like to see her more, but I’d also like to see her just relaxing a bit more, taking a few more holidays with friends. She’s a very popular person and she’ll often say to me that a friend has asked her for lunch or to go for a meal but she’s too tired. I think she does get a lot of pleasure from work. She’s very well respected etc but I’d like to see her having more balance. She doesn’t book herself on holidays. I think part of it is financial. She talks about wanting to leave us with a decent amount when she dies but I don’t want it. I’d rather she wasn’t working so hard.

But isn't that up to her?

Eastie77Returns · 21/08/2024 08:42

I work in the Tech industry where anyone over the age of 45 is considered ready for the scrap heap. There is a man in my team in his early 60s. He has amassed enough money to retire and not work again but keeps working as he loves his job. His kids have encouraged him to leave and it’s an open secret that several managers would like him to retire as they think he can’t keep up. The truth is his 40+ years experience in the field is invaluable. He’s not a whizz on all the latest tech but a lot of it is quite transient anyway (a successful start-up with the must have piece of software is often here today, gone tomorrow). He also mentors younger colleagues.

In my experience a successful business needs workers of all ages and especially benefits from older employees.