Page 5 | Anyone else with a parent who won’t retire?

Dressinggowntime · 2024-08-20T23:34:40+00:00

Mum is 71 and doggedly continuing in her NHS job full time. She enjoys it and her colleagues adore her but I really wish she would retire. I feel we’re missing out on time with her. DH’s parents both died suddenly and it’s really made me think. I know it’s her choice. Anyone else in a similar boat?

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 21/08/2024 13:06

My 72 year old grandmother left the NHS to do the same job at the same hospital through an agency for less responsibility but more flexibility and a better hourly rate.

She talks about retiring but she works 2 days a week and all her friends are there and she's not ready to feel obsolete yet.

I suspect your mum feels the same. Her friends and colleagues are there and it gives her a sense of purpose which is very important for keeping you alive and mentally healthy.

Have you talked to her about the option of working through an agency so she has more flexibility? She can still work full time but she will have leniency over time off.

Though if she said no, I'd respect her choice if she were my mum. Work is not important to me, but it is to some.

StMarieforme · 21/08/2024 13:54

Goodness me leave her alone! How much of her life did she curtail to be a Mum? And you want her to do again?

peppermintteacup · 21/08/2024 17:03

What?
Are you going to quit work/responsibilities so she gets more time with you?

No? Why should she?

StMarieforme · 21/08/2024 17:47

Dressinggowntime · 21/08/2024 11:57

@BodyKeepingScore not sure why you’re deliberately trying to make out my motivations are selfish. They’re definitely not

Because that's the only way it can be interpreted. Your Mother is living life as she wants to. You want her to live it differently. That is inherently selfish.

Eastie77Returns · 21/08/2024 18:00

Dressinggowntime · 21/08/2024 08:56

@Eastie77Returns I don’t doubt she’s valuable. I’ve worked with her myself years ago and she was the absolute best in her field and I’m sure still is. I just think she spreads herself too thin and I worry she’s just not having much pleasant downtime. She also cares for an elderly neighbour who is in their 90s with no family. We travelled to her for Christmas with the children and she spent two hours of the afternoon at the elderly neighbours. She’s a lovely kind person but there doesn’t seem to be much time for anything else. I know it’s her life and I can’t monopolise but I do worry. DH’s parents are both dead but they had lovely retirements and lots of nice holidays and time with grandkids

Perhaps spending time with the 90 year old is part of her pleasant down time? It may sound like an odd way to relax but everyone has their own concept of what an enjoyable pastime entails.

To your mind, your DM is rushed off her feet, running around working, doing chores and helping an elderly neighbour. In her mind she may be keeping herself busy with things she enjoys (even the ‘chores’ may not be a chore to her) and this is how she chooses to spend her time. What would you have her do instead? Perhaps the things you might be thinking of - gardening, hanging out with retired people her age, going on holidays - are her idea of hell?

FamousFriends · 22/08/2024 00:53

TorroFerney · 21/08/2024 07:37

But that’s irrelevant, op isn’t married to her mother.

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The point is that you don't know what's around the corner health-wise. If you have the opportunity to retire and spend quality time with your loved ones you should take it (unless finances are so tight you literally can't afford it). It's great that OP's mum loves her job and loves working but it's sad if it means working up to the day she dies and she never gets to rest after all those years of work.

FamousFriends · 22/08/2024 01:38

mondaytosunday · 21/08/2024 09:15

@FamousFriends no he hasn't! He obviously loved his work and no one retires at 60 so not 20 years of doing what SHE wants! She could have had adventures herself, or made sure their annual holidays were adventurous. It is unfortunate but if she was waiting around for this and feels she missed out she has only herself to blame.
OP my dad retired in his 70s. Even if he retired 10 years earlier that would not have meant he would have spent any more time with me. I saw him most weeks for Sunday lunch, and we went with my parents for a week to Spain most years. That was enough. What else would your mother do other than see you? Her work occupies her, fulfills her and as you say she enjoys it. There are plenty of hours in the week to still see her.

His wife did spend those 20 years doing her own things, she didn't just sit around waiting, but she's not unreasonable to have wanted to spend her retirement doing things with her husband too. They are extremely wealthy (100's of millions) so there was no need to continue working all the hours he did, and for what? He can't enjoy the endless money he managed to amass over his lifetime now.
The point is that you don't know what's around the corner health-wise so why waste the last few years of your active life working when you could be spending more quality time with the people who mean the most to you.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 22/08/2024 10:46

it's sad if it means working up to the day she dies and she never gets to rest after all those years of work.

Not everybody wants to rest.

ginasevern · 22/08/2024 11:23

OP, you and your mum both sound like lovely, caring people. I can understand why you're concerned about her, especially as some of her motives seem to be financial, but at the end of the day there isn't much you can do about it. I'm 67 and still working very long hours. I'm widowed and not financially well blessed but I do (mostly) enjoy my job and the company of colleagues along with the challenges and stimulation. I really hate the thought of the void that retirement would bring and of course the lack of income. Your mum will retire when she's ready. At our age our bodies will dictate that time. In the meantime try to make the best of whatever free time she has, like taking her our for Sunday lunch for example.

Grateful10QLord · 23/08/2024 09:30

Notamum12345577 · 21/08/2024 08:41

He is working full time at 93?! That’s impressive

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He is. I admire him. But we worry. He is very active, extremely intelligent but he gets so tired. He starts at 10am, finishes at 4:30pm. 5 days a week. Every week. But no more on-call shifts.
But he has to have a nap immediately he gets in from work and misses meals sometimes because he is too tired. Yes, we worry. But in comparison to his misery when he retired, this is 1000 times preferable.

good96 · 25/08/2024 12:44

She probably wants to keep working for the enjoyment of doing so.

In my last workplace, we had a colleague who was 85 and still working, all be it, part time…. And had no plans to retire.

theduchessofspork · 25/08/2024 12:46

Grateful10QLord · 23/08/2024 09:30

He is. I admire him. But we worry. He is very active, extremely intelligent but he gets so tired. He starts at 10am, finishes at 4:30pm. 5 days a week. Every week. But no more on-call shifts.
But he has to have a nap immediately he gets in from work and misses meals sometimes because he is too tired. Yes, we worry. But in comparison to his misery when he retired, this is 1000 times preferable.

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Sounds like he’s having a great life !

LornaDuh · 26/08/2024 09:00

I’m 61 & still work 4 days a week, 10 hour days. it’s not so much other people’s opinions, I feel a bit embarrassed myself that I’m still working practically full-time at 61. I’m still working because I can’t afford to retire, not because I love my job. I’ll be working until I’m 65.

Why on earth are you embarrassed! I'm the same age as you and everyone I know is working. State retirement age is 67 and I very much hope to be working past that.

OP - what are your plans if your mum retires? You've chosen to live several hours away - will you move closer?