Anyone else with a parent who won’t retire?

[Dressinggowntime]

Mum is 71 and doggedly continuing in her NHS job full time. She enjoys it and her colleagues adore her but I really wish she would retire. I feel we’re missing out on time with her. DH’s parents both died suddenly and it’s really made me think. I know it’s her choice. Anyone else in a similar boat?

If she wasn’t getting it, it would have been deferred. So more money now. She wouldn’t lose a lot of money.

Be careful what you wish for @Dressinggowntime My DF had a mandatory retirement age of 70 forced on him. Deteriorated rapidly after that, became an alcoholic (I’m sure because of his life having a sudden lack of structure) and is now in a care home with alcohol related dementia. I so wish he’d been able to carry on working, it made him so happy.

Youth? You don't even know how old the OP is. Seems to me more the egocentrism of an individual who wants things their way at the expense of the family member it concerns.

I'm with you OP my mum is in her 70's and works 6 days a week. On the 7th day she does the shopping and everything that needs doing in the house. This makes it impossible for her to come and visit us and when we visit her (we live several hours away) it seems pointless as she is never there or is too busy catching up on chores. She never takes any time off.

I don't understand the idea that you give up work and suddenly age terribly - to me that just means you've waited far too long to give up because you're now too old to envision travelling or volunteering or any of the other fun and exciting things retirement should bring. I've only worked very part time for years and it's definitely what has kept me young! Much less stressful, I have time to exercise and cook and eat properly, can sleep properly as not worrying about work. It's really sad to me when people don't know what to do with a life beyond work.

@Eastie77Returns I don’t doubt she’s valuable. I’ve worked with her myself years ago and she was the absolute best in her field and I’m sure still is. I just think she spreads herself too thin and I worry she’s just not having much pleasant downtime. She also cares for an elderly neighbour who is in their 90s with no family. We travelled to her for Christmas with the children and she spent two hours of the afternoon at the elderly neighbours. She’s a lovely kind person but there doesn’t seem to be much time for anything else. I know it’s her life and I can’t monopolise but I do worry. DH’s parents are both dead but they had lovely retirements and lots of nice holidays and time with grandkids

Sounds like my dhs aunt and uncle. They've been retired off over a decade. Mid 60s/early 70s. Well off and good health but all they do is moan about imaginary illnesses and act like they're 90. They wonder why people don't see them much anymore.

@Beth216 thank you. Sounds very familiar. I’m not sure why I’m being jumped on quite so much. I get the whole you raise your kids, you’ve done your bit, you don’t owe them anything. I just miss her and like I said I don’t even think she’s having much leisure time of her own because she’s too tired

I have an uncle, a builder, a really good one, who called himself semi-retired for easily 10 years. But, in reality he was just a bit more picky with his jobs but still working, much to the eye rolls of his children. At 78 he declared he was actually retired this time. It turned out he didn't have time to work because he'd bought some land and was busy building them a lovely new house on it 😆 In his 80s he is technically retired now but does get involved sometimes in his son's jobs sometimes. He doesn't really get his hands dirty and sends the boy (pushing 50 himself!) up on to roofs because apparently he's too old for all that now!
He's brilliant.

@FamousFriends no he hasn't! He obviously loved his work and no one retires at 60 so not 20 years of doing what SHE wants! She could have had adventures herself, or made sure their annual holidays were adventurous. It is unfortunate but if she was waiting around for this and feels she missed out she has only herself to blame.
OP my dad retired in his 70s. Even if he retired 10 years earlier that would not have meant he would have spent any more time with me. I saw him most weeks for Sunday lunch, and we went with my parents for a week to Spain most years. That was enough. What else would your mother do other than see you? Her work occupies her, fulfills her and as you say she enjoys it. There are plenty of hours in the week to still see her.

And the arrogance of the elderly who fool themselves into thinking they'll live for another 30 years past retirement.

My FIL died at 55 and never got to retire. Life isn't a guarantee.

Has she considered the possibility of going part-time? Is that even an option in an NHS job?

I know lots of people's parents who passed away very soon after hitting retirement... working and having purpose kept them going. So I'd say, don't encourage her to quit entirely as it clearly gives her life meaning. But I wonder if there's a way to make her life easier. Do you have spare money to pay for a cleaner? Set her up with online delivery for supermarkets?

I think you’re getting a rough time here OP and can see you care for your mums well-being too.

Many people like to put down anyone getting something they haven’t got - a chance for your mum to retire and spend time with you.

Is it worth a chat about going part time, things you’d like to do together etc? Maybe she’s scared she’ll be lonely or the finically impact? Explain. Your worries about missing out on precious time together and see what she says.

Ultimately it’s her choice but she may also be worried about retirement.

I doubt ops dm thinks she’s going to live past 100. She works full time and that works for her. It’s no one else’s job to interfere. Sorry about your fil but that isn’t relevant to this

How do you know the ops mum thinks that?

Surely not everyone retires?? I mean if you want to, and if you do the kind of physical job that's hard to keeping going, then by all means. I work in the performing arts sector and whilst some people retire, many more simply don't want to!

She doesn’t want to do part-time. I actually think she works over her hours. She wouldn’t have a cleaner in. Definitely wouldn’t tolerate online shopping. She likes to shop around locally.

I don’t think you can compare performing arts with treating patients day in day out on the NHS

My Mum works p/t for the NHS.

I agree working helps people to keep going. You want her to retire to spend more time with her, which is lovely, but how much time would you be spending with her? It would be a lot to give up something she enjoys just to spend one day a week with you, for example. What would she be doing the rest of the time? It's also probably keeping her fit and active.

I guess not, but I was just trying to make the point that retirement isn't for everyone. Performing arts can be quite a physical job IME.

If she is used to being really busy, perhaps she can't fathom how she would fill her days without work. Is she on her own? Perhaps she fears loneliness?
Have you explicitly asked her why she doesn't give it up and if so, what did she say?

@Chewbecca yes she’s divorced. Reason is financial she says. Wants to leave us with a decent amount. I’ve told her there’s no need to be worrying about that

Maybe she's happy with the amount of time she spends with friends and family as it is.

Is she a doctor by any chance? I’ve worked with many who refuse to retire. Their entire lives and personalities are based around being a medic and they wouldn’t know who they are without it.

I’m 61 & still work 4 days a week, 10 hour days.
it’s not so much other people’s opinions, I feel a bit embarrassed myself that I’m still working practically full-time at 61. I’m still working because I can’t afford to retire, not because I love my job.
I’ll be working until I’m 65.
Maybe it’s my generation, but very few women worked past 60 when I was growing up. Most men retired at 65 or before.
So maybe older people who are still working well into their 60’a & beyond, have to work for financial reasons, but just say they love their job as it sounds better.