Anyone else with a parent who won’t retire?

[Dressinggowntime]

Mum is 71 and doggedly continuing in her NHS job full time. She enjoys it and her colleagues adore her but I really wish she would retire. I feel we’re missing out on time with her. DH’s parents both died suddenly and it’s really made me think. I know it’s her choice. Anyone else in a similar boat?

Not true with the older (1995 section) NHS pension. If you leave the NHS it becomes deferred and you get backpay when you claim; but if you're still working in the NHS until retirement you don't get the missed payments between 60 and when you actually claim it - that money is lost for good.

So if she's not done so - and didn’t switch to the 2008 pension in Choice or Choice 2 - she needs to take partial retirement or retiire-and-return and claim that part of her pension now even if she wants to keep working.

But you are under (state) retirement age, so it would be more normal for you to be working full time than not. The OPs mum is in her 70s, where it would be more usual to be retired than not.

Notamum12345577

yes that’s true. & of course years ago women could get their state pension at 60.
I won’t get mine until I’m 67.

Really? If she still enjoys working and is loved by her colleagues then I think that is absolutely brilliant and would celebrate it. Lots of people find their physical health and mental state go down quickly once they retire. It doesn't suit everyone. Is it that hard to find time to spend with her? Also, if she is fit and healthy enough to be working full-time then she probably has a good few years left in her!

@Theirishwoman no not a doctor. Not on that kind of money. She runs treatments that you’d think would be consultant led though and trains doctors to do what she does. It’s a bit niche. I do know she enjoys it. I suppose I should focus on that.

@NoBinturongsHereMate I’ll need to ask her about that. She’s a keen Martin Lewis fan so I imagine she’s got it sorted but I’ll check

It’s positive I would think. Staying active. If she enjoys then she should carry on

This is FIL. 71 and intellectually and physically nowhere near his peak. He will not contemplate adapting or reducing hours and nobody around him dares bringing it up. I pray it will not take a medical error.

The NHS pension is very different from ordinary pensions. Particularly the 1995 version, which she's likely to have been in until someqhwre between 2015 and 2022. Martin Lewis won't help - although he's great on many other matters.

She'll also need to check if she's eligible for the McCloud remedy. There's a general assumption among people who qualify that the old scheme is better - but as your DM has kept working it's very possible she'd be better off moving the years to the 2015 section.

What I write I mean kindly as it doesn't always translate on here.
I think that maybe you are just not her priority. If she wanted to see you she would. She will have quite a generous holiday allowance which she could use, including seeing you for long weekends etc.
You also mention that she won't 'tolerate' online shopping and prefers to spend time at the shops. This is a choice. I'm sure she could change this for one weekend.
I won't say anymore but you are clearly lovely to care but she is making her choices and if you've already spoken to her about this you need to let it go.

@wheretoyougonow there’s something in that. I have two brothers who are shall we say ‘needy’ and she tends to see me as the settled one she doesn’t have to worry about.

@NoBinturongsHereMate thanks for the information. I’ll definitely check this with her

Your mum is active and healthy enough to be able to continue enjoying her job, something that contributes to her good health and gives her a sense of fulfilment... and you want her to sacrifice all that so you can spend more time with her? Are you planning on spending all day every day with her or planning countless activities of equal value to her for the hours you're not available? I very much doubt it. Let her enjoy her life as she sees fit.

@BodyKeepingScore not sure why you’re deliberately trying to make out my motivations are selfish. They’re definitely not

It's up to her how she spends these years. If she's loving work, that's great. People can often decline after retirement if they weren't really ready for it, or didn't have something else to focus on.

My MIL will be 80 next year and still works in a hospital too. She has no intention of retiring - says that they need the money, but could easily downsize and save a fortune. I don’t think she knows how she would fill her time without working and FIL is quite happy that she’s kept busy! None of us can really relate to her point of view, but we accept that it’s her life and her decision.
I’m surprised that there isn’t a cut-off age for being employed by the NHS, but there doesn’t seem to be one.

@Chickoletta omg 80! Does she treat patients?

How could you consider it anything but selfish to expect that your mum should give up something that she enjoys? Your desire for her to retire is driven by your wants and needs, despite the fact you've made it clear you don't live close enough to her to be available daily anyway. Being productive and valued goes a long way to improving someone's health and wellbeing in the latter stages of their life, most of us are "tired" after a day at work and with other commitments, that's not a good enough reason to say she should give up something that she enjoys.

@BodyKeepingScore I’ve already said as well that she is tired and doesn’t do much in the way of leisure or hobbies outside of work which she could do! That concerns me. Not just that she doesn’t see me

@BodyKeepingScore also you have no idea what my plans would entail daily if she was to retire

People should be made to retire at retirement age. That is state pensionable age. Or colleagues end up carrying them.

You have already stated you “live a few hours away”… I can’t imagine there’s anything you could do daily that would be an adequate substitute for the socialisation she gets from her colleagues and others in her work environment. Social isolation is one of the most serious risk factors for poor health in older people.

@BodyKeepingScore there’s no risk of social isolation for my mum whatsoever

It sounds like she has a full life (caring, shopping, work, housework, some family time) with a balance that she prefers. She sounds energetic enough to be very active.

If she's whining & moaning that she feels that she is missing out, that'd be different.

I'm still not hearing any solid reasons why a woman who enjoys her job should give it up on the day so of a daughter who lives hours away. 🤷🏻‍♀️