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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sil hasn't made contact with us for nearly a year

122 replies

silconfusion · 12/01/2023 09:54

It started off with me noticing that sil and bil never rearranged to come and meet our youngest son. He's nearly 1 now and she still hasn't met him,

She didn't attend a family weekend away for mil's 65th, nor did she attend a dinner.

She hasn't said thank you for her Christmas present from us, nor has she (nor bil for that matter) given us any presents this year. Very strange behaviour.

There have been some rumblings that they're taking some time apart or something but bil spent new year with her and her family.

Their relationship is none of my business. I'm just annoyed that she hasn't met our youngest child, and the lack of presents/thank you is really rude.

Wondering if I should contact her? But say what exactly?

OP posts:
euff · 12/01/2023 09:59

Is she your DH's sister? If so what does he say? Could he ask their mum if she knows why SIL seems cold with you?

Original poster
silconfusion · 12/01/2023 10:00

She's married to my husband's brother.

Mil is the one saying they may be having time apart. It's all so cloak and dagger.

I don't want her to be pissed off that I haven't checked on her but it's been so long, and feels so awkward.

OP posts:
Ohgodthepain · 12/01/2023 10:01

Just give her a call and ask if she's ok .

MichelleScarn · 12/01/2023 10:02

Has bil said thanks for presents, been in contact?

Justcallmebebes · 12/01/2023 10:03

Pick up the phone, call her and ask if everything is ok? What does your BIL say?

Fushiadreams · 12/01/2023 10:04

Why’s it her responsibility and not your husbands brother?

Original poster
silconfusion · 12/01/2023 10:04

MichelleScarn · 12/01/2023 10:02

Has bil said thanks for presents, been in contact?

We handed them in person at Christmas to him. He didn't apologise for no presents back. Could have at least got something for the kids!

OP posts:
IveForgottenAgainFFS · 12/01/2023 10:05

Sounds like she could be having a hard time. Find a reason to text or call her.

I can't get worked up about visiting kids, child gets nothing out of it at that age.

No presents aren't an issue but agree no thank you is rude.

Original poster
silconfusion · 12/01/2023 10:05

Fushiadreams · 12/01/2023 10:04

Why’s it her responsibility and not your husbands brother?

Because we gave her a present and she should say thanks. If there's to be a future relationship surely she should want to meet her nephew? Or maybe not?

OP posts:
Fushiadreams · 12/01/2023 10:06

silconfusion · 12/01/2023 10:05

Because we gave her a present and she should say thanks. If there's to be a future relationship surely she should want to meet her nephew? Or maybe not?

Show quote history

has The brother said thanks then and he comes to visit your kid?

TightFistedWozerk · 12/01/2023 10:07

I think they are having a tough time, reading between the lines.

Curious as to why it's her you are cross with when your husband's brother is equally distant?

IveForgottenAgainFFS · 12/01/2023 10:07

Oh wow, just seen that she's your husbands brothers wife. Why on earth is it her issue, she's quite a long way removed from you.

Presumably they said thank you as you handed over presents? That's sufficient as minimum to avoid sagging sone one off in my view.

stayathomer · 12/01/2023 10:08

You could be absolutely writing my story. Well except for at the time apart thing. Myself and db and sil haven’t really kept in contact since Covid and she randomly texted recently, I texted back and now we’re back in action ( we used to have nice chats!). I’d say just text and say it being the new year you realised you hadn’t been chatting to her and just wanted to check in and say hi. Totally open ended

Original poster
silconfusion · 12/01/2023 10:09

TightFistedWozerk · 12/01/2023 10:07

I think they are having a tough time, reading between the lines.

Curious as to why it's her you are cross with when your husband's brother is equally distant?

I'm annoyed with him too but have seen him way more.

OP posts:
Original poster
silconfusion · 12/01/2023 10:09

IveForgottenAgainFFS · 12/01/2023 10:07

Oh wow, just seen that she's your husbands brothers wife. Why on earth is it her issue, she's quite a long way removed from you.

Presumably they said thank you as you handed over presents? That's sufficient as minimum to avoid sagging sone one off in my view.

Long way removed? We used to spent a fair amount of time together,

OP posts:
stealthninjamum · 12/01/2023 10:11

Op you sound quite self centred when for all you know she could be suffering infertility problems, her husband could’ve had an affair etc.

Do you actually care about her or do you just feel snubbed? If you care about her then invite for a coffee. Don’t overtly ask about any ‘problems’ unless she mentions them and see how it goes.

Beees · 12/01/2023 10:12

As with so many MN threads this could all be solved by actually talking to her.

Why can't you pick up the phone and have a conversation? You used to spend lots of time together and we're close so why wouldn't you want to actually check she was OK?

ProhibitedSteps · 12/01/2023 10:14

@silconfusion Your son is not her nephew though?

Boopeedoop · 12/01/2023 10:14

You know them far better than us. Maybe they are going through something that you don't know about.

Have you asked them if they are ok?

JoyPeaceHealth · 12/01/2023 10:14

It sounds like she's not sure if you and your H and child are going to be her family in the future or not. If her marriage is falling apart then meeting a baby who may or may not be her family in the future is not her priority. Your baby won't remember either way so I'd just wait and see. If you expect anything it should be from your husband's brother. (Politeness, contact, gratitude, desire to meet your child).

PortiasBiscuit · 12/01/2023 10:15

Fushiadreams · 12/01/2023 10:04

Why’s it her responsibility and not your husbands brother?

Some relationships run quite well along a demarcation that is quite traditional, in my marriage I handle the gifts, DH handles the cars for example.
Doesn’t make either of us an arsehole and bringing it up is a bit irrelevant in this case.

Original poster
silconfusion · 12/01/2023 10:16

stealthninjamum · 12/01/2023 10:11

Op you sound quite self centred when for all you know she could be suffering infertility problems, her husband could’ve had an affair etc.

Do you actually care about her or do you just feel snubbed? If you care about her then invite for a coffee. Don’t overtly ask about any ‘problems’ unless she mentions them and see how it goes.

I have of course been worried about her, my post is just laying out what's been out of character.

The no thank you is annoying me though.

Affair is possible, on either side, definitely not fertility problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
silconfusion · 12/01/2023 10:17

ProhibitedSteps · 12/01/2023 10:14

@silconfusion Your son is not her nephew though?

If you're being technical I suppose not.

We used to operate as a family, now not so much

OP posts:
Original poster
silconfusion · 12/01/2023 10:17

JoyPeaceHealth · 12/01/2023 10:14

It sounds like she's not sure if you and your H and child are going to be her family in the future or not. If her marriage is falling apart then meeting a baby who may or may not be her family in the future is not her priority. Your baby won't remember either way so I'd just wait and see. If you expect anything it should be from your husband's brother. (Politeness, contact, gratitude, desire to meet your child).

I think you're right, looks that way to me too.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 12/01/2023 10:18

If you handed your brother in law presents then the expectation is that he says thank you for his family. He is responsible for reciprocating to his brothers family. He didn’t and you can assume he doesn’t see that as something he should do for his family.

This sort of highlights how meaningless Christmas gift buying is. You bought a gift for someone you haven’t spoken to in a year and you don’t know if she still in contact with your husbands family.

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