Sil hasn't made contact with us for nearly a year

Eh? Why on Earth are you focussing on the SIl, the non relative, rather than the brother?!?

The fact that your husband's brother had no presents for you makes me think that she said to him, ''your family, your job'' and he did nothing so no presents. Which is not unreasonable anyway but if there were presents lasst year then I think they're on a break, struggling to get past something they've kept private...........

Er yes he is!
He's her husbands nephew therefore her nephew by marriage

If they were divorced OPs DS would be her ex nephew as SIL would have left the marriage/ family

I have of course been worried about her, my post is just laying out what's been out of character.

Have you been worried about her though, truthfully? If you had surely you would ahve called or sent a text or done something in the past 12 months to actually check on her and see if she was OK?

Why are you worrying about her and not the brother?

Are you thinking of calling to see if she's OK and check in with her or because you're mad at her.

If the former, then she will probably appreciate the gesture but don't confuse the two matters. If it's the latter, don't bother, se clearly has shit going on in her life and doesn't need more.

You don't know what's going on because you haven't contacted her- why not? If you are genuinely worried for her then reach out and speak to her. You don't know what's been going on with them and they could be going through a tough time.

Can't you just message her ?

This is how I would read it too

As you were close to SIL OP you might want to reach out to see if she wants to catch up. Or you might want to check in with your brother to see how he is. It sounds very much like they are covering for something very difficult and private. They don't need to tell you but as you were previously close, it's ok to reach out and arrange quick coffee even if they don't talk about what's going on.

The family dynamics are always cloak and dagger so it's very awkward. Honestly it's odd.

What on earth does this mean and how does it prevent you texting or calling her?

It genuinely sounds like you're only thinking about her now because the lack of presents has pissed you off, not because you're worried about it being so long since you've seen or heard from her.

You didn’t get presents this year. I’d be thinking that she was probably left to do the wife work in the marriage then, maybe that’s one of many things that have caused issues in her relationship between her and BIL. Maybe she’s just had enough of him, their marriage may be over and therefore she doesn’t see you as family anymore. She could have text a thank you for a present but maybe she didn’t want to answer questions about the marriage if she started a chat. You’ll only know if you ask her, but if it’s over between them or they’re working on things, she may just want no involvement with his family. If you got on before, I’d have probably sent a text earlier than this just saying, ‘hope you’re ok, would love to see you at some point to meet <your child name>. Take care’

Op comes off highly traditional.
Perhaps she thinks these kind of things are ’women’s job’.

Lesson learned, op. If you demand a thank you, don’t do it.

About seeing your kid (also why are you demanding gifts for it, it’s weird) not everybody cares about kids - and that’s okey.

I agree with the comment sayin you shoul ask her if everything is fine, not to get out gossip though.

Also OP, being thanked for a present is really not a big deal if they are going through a big marital crisis or other event. I think that would be understandable / forgivable of that was the case. Same for visiting your baby son. Also you don't know whether your DBro was asked to pass on thanks and also asked to arrange his own familiy's presents this year!

If their marriage is breaking down, both of them may be absolutely distraught- it's a horrible thing to happen

Op it may be the language you used but you do seem more angry than concerned. I think you need to let go of the thank you notes - especially if she’s always done them before - and focus on rebuilding the relationship- if you really care about her.

Is it possible that she's the one that made sure you were operating as a family? and that your BIL (and by extension you and your DH) were happy to profit from her relationship work?

I could see her not continuing that/investing time & energy if she's having more pressing issues and is already stretched thin.

If ever a woman posts on here that she's fed up of wife work, it would be a unanimous 'you're not responsible for your husband families presents, he is'

So, please reframe your thinking on the present giving element op. This is 💯 on your brother.

This drip of internalised misogyny needs to stop.

I know you've updated to say both of them now following comments, but your name is just her, your title is just her, and the lack of thanks is just her, with the brother a bracketed afterthought.

We handed them in person at Christmas to him.

Did he not say thank you then? I don't understand why you are annoyed his wife hasn't called you to thank you- she will assume he did.

What happens when you call her to try to schedule a meet up? It's hard to know whether she's avoiding you or just busy without an idea of how often you used to meet and how much you've tried.

Maybe you should knock gifts on the head if it gives you a massive wedgie OP. Her bloke is responsible for gifts for his family, not his wife.

Why don't you give her a ring? Get the irritation out of your voice first maybe

I agree with @JoyPeaceHealth she is not sure in her marriage’s future and you are from her DH’s side so from another camp. You don’t even know if she’s got your presents, maybe not. Txt her and call her and offer coffee but don’t take her declining it personally.

I can get “cloak and dagger dynamics “ , there is a tendency of it in DH’s family. In a way it’s good as my mum will tell you all about my issues straight away, just give her a chance and it’s very annoying. With “cloak and dagger dynamics “ it took me a while to get used to it, I just behaved as I didn’t know anything (very easy as I didn’t) and commented on announcements carefully. It became more relaxed with time.

Communication is a two way street. How about a simple text

"Hey hope you are ok. Not seem you in ages. Just checking in "

Sorry meant txt or call her

Yes he is. My uncle's wife is very much my aunt. I'm aunt to my husband's niece.

Would you/your parents really refer to "Uncle Tim and Mary" rather than "Uncle Tim and Auntie Mary".

OP I think it's no harm to text her just to check in. Keep it quite casual, ask how she is, maybe suggest meeting for a coffee if she seems responsive. If she doesn't reply you'll just have to leave it though.

If there are issues in their relationship, it would explain things, and she may not feel comfortable talking to you as you're part of her husband's family.

Yep, precisely.

@silconfusion You're not sure if she's still in contact with her in-laws...
But shouldn't your DH know? Doesn't he talk to his parents and brother?

You're clearly focused on her (even your username makes that obvious!).

I can't help but feel like relationship work / family is women's work to you (could very well be subconscious tbh).

Or why else wouldn't your DH sort this out with HIS side of the family? And why would you assume it's her responsibility to ensure contact with her husband's family?