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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

3yr old horrid to my partner.

116 replies

marybeth60 · 10/07/2010 15:20

Hi,
my DD is 3 next month. Her father and I separated when she was just 1yr old and has lived with me and seen her dad regularly since then. For the past year I have had a new partner, I introduced them gradually and she has always been happy to have him in her life....recently tho she has begun to reject him, she glowers at him and refuses to speak to him! Making life very uncomfortable all round.
She is a VI little girl who talked coherently from age one and has a mental age of at least 5. Emotionally tho she is coming into her "3D" stage as my mother calls it and has recently started acting up whenever she comes home from my ex's house. Saying she wants to live with daddy, that she doesn't love me (oof..that one hurts) etc etc.
My partner and I do not live together as yet as we are very wary of upsetting her further, but this is what we want to do and in the future marry!
Can anyone give advice who has gone through this or similar? I don't want to scar her, but nor do I want to throw my partner away, whom I love very much, for a 3yr old temper tantrum. Please help someone
...other sites have suggested my partner abuses my dd which is UTTERLY disgraceful . He has NEVER been alone with her to abuse her, if you have these disgusting thoughts, please keep them to yourself!!
Thanks

OP posts:
clam · 10/07/2010 15:36

Well, actually, it never crossed my mind!

But am too scared to post now, sorry.

Original poster
marybeth60 · 10/07/2010 15:49

sorry, just had some disgusting replies on other sites!

OP posts:
FranSanDisco · 10/07/2010 15:49

Has her father a new partner? She may be feeling very protective of you and doesn't want to share you even though she is saying she doesn't love you. Obviously, she doesn't really understand this statement or mean it but it gets a reaction. My dd at this age never liked dh to cuddle me and he is her father. She would wiggle her way between us. Ds would tell other children 'that's my mummy' if they tried to sit on my lap. They both grew out of it and couldn't care less who sits on my lap now . I'd keep involving your partner and see how things go. It must be awkward for him.

traceybath · 10/07/2010 15:51

My parents divorced when I was 4 and I absolutely hated my mother having boyfriends. I still wanted her to be with my father (even though he was crap) and if not then to devote every waking moment to me

I'm sure she'll come round - she just needs time and to accept that although you are her mother - you also are entitled to a life.

ChocolatePants · 10/07/2010 15:51

Sounds like typical 3 yr old behaviour tbh...

It happens anyway with one or other parents when they are still together- perhaps she is just testing boundaries?

booyhoo · 10/07/2010 15:52
Biscuit
ChocolatePants · 10/07/2010 15:54

Am surprised by jumping to 'abuse' conclusions too

ChocolatePants · 10/07/2010 15:54

I don't get the 'biscuit' face- surely the fact that you don't post in itself meaNS THERE IS NO COMMENT? oops caps

Original poster
marybeth60 · 10/07/2010 15:58

Hi, thanks. No my ex doesn't have anyone that I know of and i'm sure she would tell me! lol
Interesting point about the jealousy thing, my niece has just had a baby boy and my DD tells me to "put that baby away now" if I have a cuddle when we visit! maybe that is all it is, that she's noticing differences in her life and surroundings and feels threatened by changes!?
I do keep trying to be "Mary Poppins" around them both, trying to engage them in play together, jigsaws (her fave), singing, anything to re-create the bond they used to have, but she just seems determined to dislike! It makes me so sad to see my partner trying to shrug it off but obviously hurting, he loves her so much and they used to be so close....I just don't know where it went wrong!

OP posts:
T2mum · 10/07/2010 16:00

You say she has a mental age of 5. I am not sure what you mean by that, as she is not quite 3, but it does suggest to me that your expectations are unrealistic. She has an emotional age of not quite 3, and this is what you need to understand, IMO. The difference between a mental age of 3 and 5 is huge.

Do you think her dad might be putting ideas into her head about your partner?

thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2010 16:00

3 year old, horrid???

Original poster
marybeth60 · 10/07/2010 16:06

Yes horrid......just because they are little doesn't mean they aren't capable....I'm not saying she means it, that she is evil or understands her actions...but yes, "horrid" that's the word i chose and i stick by it! until you have experienced it, don't judge it!

OP posts:
FranSanDisco · 10/07/2010 16:07

I think she is just being a normal 3 yo and loving the fuss you make trying to create harmony . Tell your partner not to take it to heart.

Original poster
marybeth60 · 10/07/2010 16:09

t2mum...yes 3 and 5 is different, so is Mental and Emotional!

Why am I under attack here? i already feel like a bad mother thank you very much!

All I asked for was advice from other mums who had maybe experienced the same or similar!

OP posts:
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2010 16:09

You are very rude! no wonder your daughter acts that way learns off you obviously.

Original poster
marybeth60 · 10/07/2010 16:11

Thanks Fran, I think you have a point there, she does love to push my buttons....maybe it's even MORE fun to push his too!

OP posts:
celticfairy101 · 10/07/2010 16:11

I suggest you and your partner are worrying too much about your relationship and the effect it may have on your daughter and are looking for signs of bad behaviour, perhaps to asuage your own feelings of guilt (I know you're long separated but you may still have guilty hangups).

Three year olds start to push boundaries and it's up to you and her dad to set firm the rules - have you spoken to her dad about it yet?

Original poster
marybeth60 · 10/07/2010 16:12

obviously!

OP posts:
FranSanDisco · 10/07/2010 16:13

I'd relax and just set the boundaries. If she is ott rude she should be pulled up on it. I don't know why you are under attack here. Some people who get stomped on in RL love to chick their weight around on here. Ignore them - they're like 3 yos!

Original poster
marybeth60 · 10/07/2010 16:14

I have spoken to him...he says she plays up the opposite way for him "I want mummy" etc. With regards to boundaries though, she has them with me. With my ex I suspect she pretty much gets away with anything!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
marybeth60 · 10/07/2010 16:16

Thanks again Fran.....or they maybe have children with zero personalities!

OP posts:
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2010 16:17

Don't bitch at other's because you can't handle a 3 year old, may i suggest parenting classes.

FranSanDisco · 10/07/2010 16:18

Three year olds are ego-centric. The world revolves around them in their minds. You say she is very articulate so you can talk to her about feelings - hers and others. I used to day to dcs at this age 'that hurts my feelings' and you could see them thinking about it. Empathy comes easier to some than others.

FranSanDisco · 10/07/2010 16:19

Thesunshimesbrightly - you are in a fould mood today. Go and annoy the traffic!

Original poster
marybeth60 · 10/07/2010 16:20

Touched a nerve sweety????

OP posts: