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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

3yr old horrid to my partner.

116 replies

marybeth60 · 10/07/2010 15:20

Hi,
my DD is 3 next month. Her father and I separated when she was just 1yr old and has lived with me and seen her dad regularly since then. For the past year I have had a new partner, I introduced them gradually and she has always been happy to have him in her life....recently tho she has begun to reject him, she glowers at him and refuses to speak to him! Making life very uncomfortable all round.
She is a VI little girl who talked coherently from age one and has a mental age of at least 5. Emotionally tho she is coming into her "3D" stage as my mother calls it and has recently started acting up whenever she comes home from my ex's house. Saying she wants to live with daddy, that she doesn't love me (oof..that one hurts) etc etc.
My partner and I do not live together as yet as we are very wary of upsetting her further, but this is what we want to do and in the future marry!
Can anyone give advice who has gone through this or similar? I don't want to scar her, but nor do I want to throw my partner away, whom I love very much, for a 3yr old temper tantrum. Please help someone
...other sites have suggested my partner abuses my dd which is UTTERLY disgraceful . He has NEVER been alone with her to abuse her, if you have these disgusting thoughts, please keep them to yourself!!
Thanks

OP posts:
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2010 19:31

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thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2010 19:32

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thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2010 19:33

Are these the words of a nice mum??

Hmmmm i think not.

usualsuspect · 10/07/2010 19:34

bloody hell ,its all gone wrong in here

thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2010 19:35

Whoops.. Posted a few to many time's.

LemonMelon · 10/07/2010 20:00

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mrswill · 10/07/2010 20:26

OP - Im disgusted at the response you've got by some posters. I hope you stay on the thread for advice and people who have something of worth to say to you.

In answer to your very valid post. Shes just being a normal 3 year old, and it sounds like your going about the right way of doing things. I remember feeling like this with my mum when she had a boyfriend, but it soon passed. You are entitled to your own life, and FWIW you sound like a lovely mum. You wouldnt be on here posting, trying to solve the problem if you werent.

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 10/07/2010 20:46

Just wanted to show marybeth some support. My three year old is truly "horrid" sometimes recently. No reason whatsoever apart from won't give him choc buttons/dd's toy/I don't want him to kick the cat etc. Up until he gut 3 he was pretty much angelic. He frequently hits/kicks and tells me he doesn't like me/go away. I guess some of you would say that's our parenting or he's witnessed aggression or similar. Nope. toddlers can be horrible and hurtful sometimes.

BurningBuntingFlipFlop · 10/07/2010 20:46

Just wanted to show marybeth some support. My three year old is truly "horrid" sometimes recently. No reason whatsoever apart from won't give him choc buttons/dd's toy/I don't want him to kick the cat etc. Up until he gut 3 he was pretty much angelic. He frequently hits/kicks and tells me he doesn't like me/go away. I guess some of you would say that's our parenting or he's witnessed aggression or similar. Nope. toddlers can be horrible and hurtful sometimes.

booyhoo · 10/07/2010 21:05

"OP - Im disgusted at the response you've got by some posters"

and you aren't disgusted by OP's language?

HerBeatitude · 10/07/2010 21:15

god this thread is mad, it really ought to be in AIBU.

Marybeth it is just very immature to describe a 3 year old's behaviour as horrid. You need to remember that she's the child and you are the adults and she's testing you. If you pretend to cry when she says she doesn't love you, you're showing her that you're not strong enough to deal with her anger and that's frightening for her. If your DP feels hurt by her rejecting him, she's learning that she has to nurture him and it ought to be the other way round - adults have to nurture children, children aren't capable of nurturing adults. She needs to be able to express hostility to you and your DP and know that you will both still love her and still be strong and still be there for her, not that you'll cry or be upset or resentful of her.

Also you're trying too hard - don't be so desperate to get them to rebond, allow her to reject him, respect her right to do so while making sure she knows he doesn't reject her. She'll come right back to him soon enough, but the more you try to force it, the more power you are giving her.

I'm not sure if this is what you want to hear, no doubt I'll get called names if not.

HerBeatitude · 10/07/2010 21:16

FGS all these adults going on about 3 year olds being hurtful.

Grow up. You're adults. You should be able to take it.

BrightLightBrightLight · 10/07/2010 21:17

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thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2010 21:37

Yes of course i did, my first post was that i could not understand how anyone could call a 3 year old horrid and she was doing it on purpose, then i got a agressive answer followed by my kids have no personality followed by i'm a cunt and a bitch.

But if some of you think i started it fair enough.

PosieParker · 11/07/2010 09:09

thesun, you started it. Number one a child's behaviour can be horrid. My dd, aged three, tries to hurt her , 20 mth old, brother, and it's horrid. She may do it to get attention or out of frustration but it's still horrid.

You then posted

By thesunshinesbrightly Sat 10-Jul-10 16:09:43
You are very rude! no wonder your daughter acts that way learns off you obviously.

Pretty confrontational, in my book.

ninah · 11/07/2010 09:21

no i don't think sunshine has been rude just frank
op on the other hand has been disgracefully rude
how many sites have you posted on op? you have to accept people will have opinions and they may not all be agreeable
take from it what is useful to you

maduggar · 11/07/2010 09:57

I think Thesun has been quite awful to this poster. How very supportive of you

For the OP - id suggest you just keep gently encouraging the nice relationship between your DD & DP and not put any pressure on it.

ninah · 11/07/2010 10:00

supportive? not at all, just my opinion
it's OK to have differing opinions and remain civil, mumsnet at its best

cath476 · 11/07/2010 10:31

Some people are so very strange - I will never understand why people enjoy upsetting others. Marybeth - no advice except to ignore the nastiness!

thesunshinesbrightly · 11/07/2010 11:01

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Original poster
marybeth60 · 11/07/2010 11:55

I rest my case Sunshine.
I accept my language was uncalled for, but being called a bad parent tends to bring out the Lioness in most mothers!!!

And if I was the one so out of order, how come you have had nealy all of your comments since my last, removed????

Thank you to those of you who gave genuine and helpful advice. I intend to put them to good use and am re-assured that DD's behaviour, whilst not nice and upsetting at times. Is "normal"!

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 11/07/2010 12:02

Gosh

I missed a lot of this

But in my experience, if you post the same problem on several parenting sites, and end up feeling "attacked" on all of them - then maybe the problem is, in fact, you?

differentnameforthis · 11/07/2010 12:24

Lots of school girl bickering on this thread...maybe that's why your 3yr old is 'horrid'

differentnameforthis · 11/07/2010 12:32

"But in my experience, if you post the same problem on several parenting sites, and end up feeling "attacked" on all of them - then maybe the problem is, in fact, you?"

Couldn't have said it better, tort!

clam · 11/07/2010 13:18

Wow. This has all kicked off since my 1st )(and only) post (number 2).
Not going to comment on all the mud-slinging since, but I do think it began badly with the last paragraph of marybeth's original post: "if you have these disgusting thoughts, please keep them to yourself!!"
Not really surprised that it all went downhill from then.