My wife says it's too little, too late

[benthebuilder]

Would have put this on Dadsnet, but it seems a bit quiet and I urgently need advice.
Basically, my wife has told me that my attempts to become more understanding regarding her needs and feelings is too little too late.
Dinn't realise how serious problem was until I read a letter of hers from solicitor regarding divorce.
Have attempted to talk with her about this, but she says it's far too late to show concern now, about 3 years too late actually.
I don't want a divorce, but she seems to have come to the end of the line with me and refuses to talk about it, saying I have left it too late.
What do I do now?
Also. I think things have come to a head over past few days and she is removing herself emotionally from our family.

I dunno, does your Dh want to leave you and are you trying to garner sympathy by posting about it? If you are, I'd say you were out of line.

is he trying to garner sympathy though? or is he just after a female perspective because his wife won't talk to him (albeit possibly his own doing) and wants to repair the marriage?

BL...you are missing the point spectacularly

If this blokes wife was not already a MN'er he would have got a different reaction to me

Ill-advised to encroach on your wife's (possibly only...) source of support. How many women come on here with r'ship problems because they find it difficult to talk to someone in RL ?...quite a lot

I could forgive his nobbish attitude towards "understanding women" but not the way he seems to want to control her...private mail, invading Mumsnet, as well as the shitty behaviours he has admitted to that drove her to this decision

Now he wants a quick fix ? I don't think so, sunshine

invading mn...that's a bit strong isn't it?
I was under the impression mn was open to all.

'She's not forced to know it's him' - I disagree I think if the DW is reading then she will be pretty certain it is him.

He has given some pretty specific details i.e. 'She says it's about 3 years too late'

'I opened a letter from the solicitor'

Plus he has been given advice, but replies to it with 'but I'm just a man' aka 'pity me I know no better'

To his credit though, he hasn't resorted to pointing out all of her faults and tried to remove blame from himself, which is what Twattish does, when I tell him I am leaving.

Okay more advice

1. Stop posting on MN. This is your wife's safe place, where she feels can can air her feelings. If she is removing herself emotionally from the children as well as yourself, it sounds like she really needs that safe place. If you do a quick google, there will be other places you can gain advice.

2. Spend time out of the house with her the dc, doing family things, without moaning about money or that you are tired. Make the arrangements yourself and stick to them.

3. Start noticing what she has done with her day i.e "Wow the kitchen looks really good, you must be knackered sit down and put your feet up. I'll stick the kettle on"

4. Start helping with the dc. You don't say if she works or not but I have done both and being at home with dc all day is more tiring and stressful than working out of the home. If she does bath and bed one night, you offer to do it the next night. Yes you might be tired, but so is she.

5. Make sure you put your shit away. Don't expect her to it for you.

6. Suggest she has a night out with the girls and you will look after the dc/take them out somewhere.

It is probably too late, but this should at least show her that you want to make things work and you are willing to try this time. Oh and stop talking at her. She doesn't want to know. She doesn't believe you. Why would she? You have been this way for three years. Actions speak louder than words.

And FYI being a man does not mean you are not capable of doing any of the above.

Bloody good advise from Shiny.

prints it out to stick on Dhs head fridge.

dogfish...glad to see it's not just me who thinks that.

shiny said it much better than me

I also agree with SGB and had a little smile too.

Amazing really how even a few words on a screen from a < quiver > man has some women going all gooey and feeling sorry for the bloke...

Myself, I feel sorry for his wife

agree with Shiny

...started reading thread because I thought BTB might be my dp- with a few details switched about a bit

...now think ShinyandNew might be me

...whatever I need to mark my place because there's stuff on here I need to make note of and possibly show dp...

I feel a certain sympathy with you BentheBuilder. You're not the first man to be selfish, and sadly you won't be the last.

If I was as angry as your wife is now, the last thing I would want would be flowers, chocolates, and being trapped into spending time with you eg over dinner. Men have palmed women off with this shit for too long.

The one thing that might work, would be you getting busy with the hoover and iron, and getting your arse down to Tescos for a full grocery shop. Perhaps you saying, "I don't want to lose you. I'm sorry I've been such a twat. I can take some time off work to look after the kids while you sort your head out. In fact, I'll do the school runs."

Give her space. Make sure she knows you want her back desperately and are prepared to change permanently.

You are prepared to change aren't you?

...and folk seem to be interpreting this as some sort of Anti Men On Mumsnet thing

it's definitely not that- it's like he's blundered into someone's support network. Would any of you like your dp turning up at a works' do- say- and discussing your marital problems? or at the school gate f'rinstance?

..whatever- I mean an environment that's yours. Now I'm pretty sure OP is not being manipulative here- but I think he's being pretty insensitive

What, so when we're sympathetic to a woman, it's because we've gone all gooey to see a few words on a screen from a woman?

This is pathetic. How about extending kindness and support to everyone, not just women? There's no way a usual mn'er would have got so much vitriol for a post like this. Outrage because she opened dh's letter?! Forget it.

And what's with the "well another man came on here asking for advice, turned out to be a wife beater".

This man might be naive, he may have screwed up his marriage, but he came here asking for support.

This place can be like a witches' coven sometimes, really. And NO ONE is capable of saying perhaps they misjudged it or - the unthinkable! - was perhaps wrong in their condemnation.

Perhaps I'm being too harsh, am in hospital with sick baby and am worried and tired and fractious. But I think some of these replies show the worst of mumsnet.

Am happy to be a witch in this situation.

RF, I hope your poorly baby gets better soon, it is horrible being so worried and out-of-control.

Well Ben you've had some excellent advice on here - give your wife space, if she's had enough there is nothing you can do, however, if there is a chink then you just need to start behaving like a good man, don't go with the empty gestures - they mean nothing and are like a sticking plaster on a badly broken leg.

Consistent love, attention and consideration. It is not rocket science. You know what you've done wrong, you also know what you need to do right. You cannot force your wife to like you again, you can only hope that there might be something left in her heart for you.

To the rest of you mumsnet addicted harridan's - most people come on mumsnet now and again and get some advice or just watch threads and pick advice up - NOT EVERYONE who views mumsnet or chats on mumsnet are using mumsnet as their "source of support". Just the odd few. It is hard for you to get your head around that when your life revolves around mumsnet. Lord knows how many of you manage a life off mumsnet. I wouldn't give a rats arse if my husband came on looking for advice - in fact I'd give him extra brownie points.

Totally agree notalways.

you're right notalways- most users register on here to while a bit of time away

however- if the OP's wife is fed up of their relationship to the extent of getting in touch with solicitors then it's probably the case that she has vented on here somewhere along the line- or aired thoughts anonymously that she won't particularly want her H to see.

Difficult to believe she won't feel invaded under those circs I think

it isn't much fun when RL charges into mn- whether you're a regular or casual user. Take it from me!

I wouldn't mind if DH came on and said "I've been a twat. My girlfriend is miserable. Help me think of something nice I can do for her'

But it is the level of detail he has used and the support he is looking for that is making me uncomfortable. No one can fix his marriage. Nor should we want to, if his DW is that unhappy, that she has already been to see a solicitor.

And if she is that unhappy, she probably is/was using MN as a release/main source of support. It is hard to admit to people you know well that thins are that bad you want to walk away from it all. More so because you rl support network, probably also know your OH and will be conflicted.

He has now encroached on that support network. At a time where it sounds like she needs it most.

yup- totally agree Shiny

Read between the lines, mates. The very first response to the OP was from a man, who asked him perfectly politely several times about counselling and mentioned mediation. This was completely ignored by the OP.

He then said the wife is sick of the kids, but when asked if that meant she was talking about leaving them with him, again he didn't reply. My guess is, because it isn't true.

Several posters did offer quite kindly advice, too. But he was too busy arguing with the ones who didn't, to read or acknowledge those.

OK, my views are unavoidably coloured by my own experience. I can only say, I too had a manipulative bloke who didn't listen and refused to go to counselling until I had told him we were definitely over. He didn't take it seriously either until the solicitor's letter plopped on the mat. (The letter was addressed to him, mind you; if I'd caught him opening my letters I'd have cut his hands off. But I had all sensitive correspondence sent to a different address just in case, and I strongly recommend anyone in this position does the same.) He also threatened to post on Mumsnet, and even to get an account and join my online computer game, but fortunately his technophobia was stronger than his desire to invade my space. Make no mistake, he wouldn't have had any interest at all in Mumsnet if I wasn't on it. He would stand behind me and watch and make comments about various of the posters as if they were his best friends, then laugh when I minimised it. And of course he too said I was "deserting the family" - even the children believed it for a while.

See, we've seen it. Like the abusers' script and the cheating spouse's script, we've read the about-to-be-left partner's script and this OP is a classic. That's why he got short shrift from some posters, and why the ones who offered him the best practical advice were nevertheless fairly sure he wouldn't take it. And it's why he's huffed off now.

good post notalways

Notalways and rhubarb - well put voices of reason. I suspect the op's pissed off now and won't be back any time soon and won't be benefiting from the great insights on here - shiny included.

I think he's possibly achieved his objectives by now staines

No shiny, it does not follow that if you are unhappy in a relationship and are a member of mumsnet that mumsnet becomes your main source of support.

Most people have friends and family in RL that they turn to. Most would turn to those they trust in real life - they may vent on mumsnet but I don't accept that most people would use mumsnet as a main source of support.

Of course many women do benefit from the support they receive on mumsnet, especially those in abusive relationships, and I wouldn't want to minimise the amazing effect of mumsnet on those who do rely on mumsnet. However, I certainly don't imagine that the majority of women in unhappy relationships look to virtual life for their main source of support.