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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what the hell to do

105 replies

NervousAndScared · 27/06/2010 15:26

DH just lost it. Everything in ds1's room is either in the bin or in the loft. DS1 was in trouble for annoying ds2 so ds1 threatened to jump out of his window. DH put him in the little loo to calm down and he just flooded the floor and put soft on the wall. I was trying to get DH to calm down and not throw perfectly good toys away and he said he had had enough of us not having any money when they have £1000s of pounds of toys, and he is selling them.

I told him I was torn between giving him a cuddle as I love him so much and going as far away from him as possible as I was scared of him. He raised his eyebrows so I walked away. I tried to cuddle him later but it was a half hearted arm on my back. I told him I had enough children so did he want to talk to me or me to leave him alone. He is alone.

DH said he was fed up of everyone and I am sure he means me too that I lost it a bit.

I am seriously questioning my marriage now. It can't be good to be scared of your husband.

OP posts:
QSincognitoErgoSum · 27/06/2010 15:31

So, your dh lost it over really really bad behaviour from your oldest son?

Is your son the boss of the household?

How come he has thousands worth of toys, while you have little money. Do you reward his bad behaviour with more toys? Do you lose it with him, then feel guilty, and buy him more stuff?

Why do you insist on cuddling your husband when he is in a mood, and your kids wind you up? It really isnt the time.

Sounds to me like you might need some parenging classes (and a big dose of support).

Original poster
NervousAndScared · 27/06/2010 15:35

It was like dh went from 0-60 in a second.

Ds isn't the boss but he is a smartie pants with an answer for everything.

They haven't got thousands of pounds worth, maybe if you had up 3 children toys it would be a lot but over a number of years and not all bought my us. I hardly buy them anything and have cut down at christmas and birthdays too.

I wasn't wound up by the kids, the more irate dh got the calmer I was though very upset. I just wanted to hug my husband because he was upset.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 27/06/2010 15:35

It is partly the weather - little restless sleep and then the samllest things build up and up. I would suggest a cold shower..

You need to explian that this is not appropriate behaviour and he needs to calm himself down as very one gets hot and bothered but this causes nastiness all round

GypsyMoth · 27/06/2010 15:48

how old are dc's?/

cant understand why you keep saying you wanted to cuddle him (dh)....

Original poster
NervousAndScared · 27/06/2010 15:51

9 and under.

I wanted to cuddle him as he was upset. I love him but I love my children more and I feel mixed up now. I know dh must be frustrated that I am not supermum but I am getting better.

OP posts:
Flighttattendant · 27/06/2010 15:59

It sounds like he just had a flip out. It isn't characteristic, is it?

I have done things a bit like this before - I mean lost my temper with the kids.

I am sure he will get over it. Nobody was hurt, which is a good thing. But it must have been a shock especially if he is normally a quiet fellow.

NervousAndScared · 27/06/2010 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GypsyMoth · 27/06/2010 16:03

why the supermum comment?? why was any of this down to you?

clam · 27/06/2010 16:04

I also don't get why on the one hand you say you were scared of him, and on the other you wanted to cuddle him - as he was upset?

"I am not supermum but I am getting better." Is there a back story here that is relevant?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2010 16:04

Well he is not superdad either. That was a complete over-reaction on his part re the removal of all the toys. Your eldest is 9 and is a child, he is in no way emotionally mature enough. I suppose your DH thought he wound him up. You both as the adults here are supposedly mature enough to deal with such behaviour.

I would cuddle your children intead, all of them.

Everyone seems to have lost control here; you two are adults and all the children are likely to be now very scared of their Dad. Both of you need to now work together to repair this breakdown of communication.

Flighttattendant · 27/06/2010 16:05

Yes will do, I thought it was you x

LadyintheRadiator · 27/06/2010 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NervousAndScared · 27/06/2010 16:06

I have always struggled but have been better and I expect he thought I was going back to being crap.

I was scared, not good at all when we row, and I just wanted things back to normal.

I have cuddled the kids and they seem fine. They are all playing/behaving nicely. No idea where dh is.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2010 16:06

"I am not supermum but I am getting better." Is there a back story here that is relevant?

I am wondering the same thing, am wondering too whether you have posted before re your DH under a different name?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2010 16:08

"I have always struggled but have been better and I expect he thought I was going back to being crap".

Hmm, think he's being very unfair on you in the first place. Why exactly have you struggled (due to him?). How does he treat you exactly?. Is he controlling by nature?.

Flighttattendant · 27/06/2010 16:10

I think she just means other stuff - not always feeling like she copes well with the kids but actually doing a pretty good job of it.

No history re DH, am I right OP?

Original poster
NervousAndScared · 27/06/2010 16:18

Yes. Never been scared of dh before, only that he might leave me.

OP posts:
beingsetup · 27/06/2010 16:37

Everyone loses it sometimes, and it's a very hot day. Give him a strategy for coping in case it happens again such as getting him in time out for five minutes or something. Was he violent, or just shouting?

Original poster
NervousAndScared · 27/06/2010 16:42

Neither really. Just getting rid of toys, smashing up a toy storage unit and something ds had made. Don't know if the unit broke when he was trying to put it in the roof. he shouted at me once. DS went up the ladder and dh was going to pull him down and i told him he was going to hurt him. we haven't said a word to each other since he said to leave himn alone. i expect he will be on the beer soon.

OP posts:
clam · 27/06/2010 16:54

"something DS has made?"

Original poster
NervousAndScared · 27/06/2010 16:59

I know.

DH just wanted rid of everything and he was binning all sorts.

I feel sick.

OP posts:
clam · 27/06/2010 17:02

Well, he's rather lost the moral highground on being the better parent today, hasn't he?

Original poster
NervousAndScared · 27/06/2010 17:15

he has now, he has thrown their dinner all over the floor

OP posts:
Original poster
NervousAndScared · 27/06/2010 17:16

i am that tempted to tell him to go to his mum's but are worried he won't come back

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2010 17:19

"Just getting rid of toys, smashing up a toy storage unit and something ds had made".

All of it sounds completely awful and unedifying. Meanwhile you go into deer in the headlights mode. Wanting to cuddle your H cos he is upset indeed over his son, snort.

Your DH has acted completely over the top here and you know it. I sincerely hope your H apologies to you all, he needs to do this.