I don't know what the hell to do

[NervousAndScared]

DH just lost it. Everything in ds1's room is either in the bin or in the loft. DS1 was in trouble for annoying ds2 so ds1 threatened to jump out of his window. DH put him in the little loo to calm down and he just flooded the floor and put soft on the wall. I was trying to get DH to calm down and not throw perfectly good toys away and he said he had had enough of us not having any money when they have £1000s of pounds of toys, and he is selling them.

I told him I was torn between giving him a cuddle as I love him so much and going as far away from him as possible as I was scared of him. He raised his eyebrows so I walked away. I tried to cuddle him later but it was a half hearted arm on my back. I told him I had enough children so did he want to talk to me or me to leave him alone. He is alone.

DH said he was fed up of everyone and I am sure he means me too that I lost it a bit.

I am seriously questioning my marriage now. It can't be good to be scared of your husband.

OK, so this is a bad day. He needs some time out. Suggest, without apportioning blame or accusations (yet!), that he could probably do with a break and why doesn't he go out for a bit and you'll see him later when he's had time to calm down.

Dinner on the floor??
See how he like the dinners in the local police station.
That's where he needs to have his cold shower, as suggested earlier.
Prick.

Nervous,

And as for this:-
"he has thrown their dinner all over the floor".

And I suppose you are going to once again today try and put a brave face on it. I would get very cross with him, I'd send him packing to his Mother's. You worried he won't come back?!. Oh grow a spine!. He should bloody well stay there as well.

There is no justification whatsoever for such behaviour. What are you both teaching your children here?.

I would not be suggesting parenting classes as much as a call to Parentline Plus. Nervous, you need support from such an organisation cos your family really fell apart here today.

I think your DH is the problem in your household

Not you or your children

And I have been thinking it for quite some time now

He behaved like a fucking monster! I wouldn't have been trying to comfort him because he was upset I'd have been telling him to leave and comforting my children.

How is it your fault?

Dinner on the floor? So he's still tantrumming is he?

even more

And you wanted to hug him? Sounds like a slap is more what he needed!

So he is continuing his violent outburst towards you and the kids?

I think you should call the police.

He has turned a corner today. If he realizes he can behave like this, it will happen again.

Why were you trying to cuddle your husband? Who is cuddling your small children who have witnessed their parents shouting, their dad breaking and removing toys and throwing their dinner on the floor? WHO is looking after them?

I have fed my children. I am not having them hungry and the youngest one crying in his bed because he is hungry.

DH and I have talked. I am loath to say too much as I think you will all tell me to leave him and we are not at that point. We have talked and I have made it clear that he has gone too far and I will not live with someone who behaves like he has done. I know he believes me.

He wasn't violent towards the kids or me but I have told him he was way out of line and I won't have it.

Believe me, we have been through a lot and I will fight for my marriage but not unconditionally.

He has apologised.

Yes good point.

How do you think your children feal when they see you desperate for you husbands approval, hugging him for what he has done?

Do THEY get hugs and cuddles when they misbehave?
So why him?
It must really bolster his confidence in what he is doing, when he realizes that you are are seen to be condoning what he is doing TO YOUR POOR CHILDREN!

annh - the children are fine. They have been fed and cuddled. No excuse but they didn't witness it all. Believe me he will not act like this again and still sleep here.

He had BROKEN your childrens toys and furniture. He has dragged your son from/to the attic.

He has thrown their dinner on the floor.

How is that not violent to the kids?

sure. you are naive. I dont know who you are trying to convince.

I wanted to cuddle him because I wanted him to calm down and not have any fights. Some of you are over reacting and I know how this will go. I am in denial, my kids are at risk and my husband is a bully.

I am not in denial, the kids are not in any danger as I will protect them at all costs and my husband lost it. It isn't his style to lose it like this, he had had enough and gone to far.

QS - I take your point. Having been hit my previous boyfriends I don't see him smashing toys as violent as I have been the one being smashed but I am not naive and I am not trying to convince anyone.

If I thought my kids were in any danger he would be gone. No question.

But the kids have not been hit before, and they wont compare it in this way. I think this must have been pretty scary for them.

Are the children his, or is he their step dad?

it was scarey for the 5 year old, they are all his, and i told dh i will not have my kids scared. i left immediately when i was hit by 2 exes and if he ever laid his hand to me or the kids he would be gone and he knows it.

the children are all playing together upstairs, it is lovely to hear. i am not sure if i should say something to them about what has happened and if so, what.

Why don't you remove his stuff into a bin bag for behaving badly or even better kick his arse out for doing that to your children!

Go and tell your children you are there for them no matter what and you WILL NOT let anyone abuse them

That would be a good start

nervous,

"We have talked and I have made it clear that he has gone too far and I will not live with someone who behaves like he has done. I know he believes me"

You contradict yourself here. You are still there with him, you are still living with someone who behaves like he has done.

Smashing toys is a violent act; its never acceptable and there is no justification for such an act towards childrens' stuff. They do not have a choice re their Dad but you do.

You wanted to cuddle him because you wanted him to calm down and not have any fights?. He made a choice to act as he did, you did not act the same did you?.

You are not responsible in any way for the manchild you're married to.

I think you are downplaying the whole incident in the hopes "normality" will resume asap (until the next time he decides to kick off in such a manner).

The only ones I feel sorry for in all this are the children. Both adults here have let them down very badly indeed today by both his overreaction to your son misbehaving and your role in trying to do appeasement.

nervous

I am sorry to read that you have suffered two abusive relationships to date. I sincerely hope you got counselling post these abusive relationships so you did not fall for such men again.

What if he does this again?. There seems to be no real consequence for his actions. So you talked, sorry but big deal. Words are cheap, its actions that count.

If he does anything like this again, he is out. No question.

He has never done anything like this before. There is no excuse for what he has done. He snapped after a really tough week at work and finding home life stressful. I have told him he has to deal with it.

I hear you, but I am not the downtrodden woman you seem to think I am. I made it quite clear what will happen if he ever even looks like he will react like this again.

My children come first and last and are absolutely fine. Behaving normally, refusing to go to bed.