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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I dont suppose any of you would like to join the socially awkward society I am going to start?

664 replies

MumofTrioTrioIwanaTrioIwant1NW · 13/06/2010 21:04

free membership Or is it just me?

Am annoyed at myself for being socially awkward (several instances today in company),

I do try thats the annoying thing I just dont seem to be able to be anything else! pah!

Please come cheer me up somehow

OP posts:
LaserWidow · 22/06/2010 22:06

Hurray, at Mums & Tots today I had loverly chat with the Register Lady as usual - we always have a gab before I go mingling with the toddlers. I can't remember how, brain like swiss cheese, but she pointed out that I always stopped to talk to her when others didn't bother, and asked quite gently, "Why is that do you think?" So I said, "Because you're very open, friendly and easy to talk to" and she said, "Well, so are you" and additional nice things.

Felt really happy all the time I was there today

She is so nice, she always makes me feel a little less incompetent socially. I have had to learn fundamental stuff rather later in life. We seemed to be social hermits too, Mitochondria - we never had parties, people to stay over, rarely went out - we weren't allowed to go out in the evenings at all, although there was a youth club around the corner. We couldn't even go to friends' houses (after school or evenings). Phone calls were strictly monitored for length.

I think one end result is that I didn't absorb a lot of social graces - not saying they weren't there, but I seem to have missed them. Although my mum does treat me in a take-you-or-leave-you kind of way that makes me feel rubbish, but I don't think she realises she's doing it.

Just refreshed the page and seen TreeTrunk's post - I think there is a connection, although I too have a very sociable brother. My mum does have one good friend she has had since they met in their maternity ward in the mid-60s, but she is not what you might call gregarious. This is what I fear - that my lack of friends and social ability may have a negative impact on DS

WhatsWrongWithYou · 22/06/2010 23:33

Was just typing a massive post about my mum being outgoing and popular but accidentally lost it .

Anyway, in spite of this she put no thought or effort into helping us be more socially comfortable, plus as a teenager I hardly went out as a lot of the time I literally had nothing to wear - not much money floating around and what there was went on her wardrobe and my dad's bar bill.

When you wear the same clothes to three or four discos/youthclubs, or borrow things off your older sister who's a size bigger, it doesn't make for a confident outlook.

Oh, and when I was at the paranoid stage of putting makeup on before leaving the house, she'd say 'who do you think is looking at you?'

LaserWidow · 22/06/2010 23:51

WWWY that's really really lousy. What a hideous way to speak to a sensitive teenager. Can totally identify with it, and also had well out-of-date clothes all the time - most stuff was handed down from cousins, and clothes had to last a long time. I can remember not being able to bend my elbows much because my blouse sleeves were too tight, plus the cuffs were frayed and greying. There wasn't the money to spend on luxuries like school uniform though, only essentials like crates of beer & a bottle of whisky. (This was not my mum BTW)

However thoughtful ole mum did say to me, when I was going out on a first date (with DH, as he turned out) "Are you going out with your hair looking like that?"

Was that just in case I was feeling a bit nervous and concerned about my appearance? Ta, mum

WhatsWrongWithYou · 23/06/2010 13:06

It sounds awful reading it back - I don't mean to make my mother out as a demon.

She's just outgoing and not particularly introspective, but that's definitely the wrong approach to take with an introverted anxious teenager!

LaserWidow · 23/06/2010 13:42

It doesn't sound like your mother's actually demonic, just not particularly thoughtful, iykwim

I'm starting to feel hot and clammy at the thought of hogging this thread. I can almost hear people muttering behind their hands: "Who does she think she is? Coming here where she's not wanted, muscling in on our thread - and such a bore too" Either that or killing the thread.

Just too self-absorbed. I will shut up, sorry

WhatsWrongWithYou · 23/06/2010 15:59

Or maybe, now that we've all opened up, we've retreated back to the buffet corner where it's safe.

TotalChaos · 23/06/2010 16:57

sorry, I can't bring myself to do any detail of the child/teen/family stuff anywhere this public, as 1)it's too painful and 2)don't want to create a potential time bomb as family know I use this and other forums. to be fair to family, despite skintness I was always reasonably if not entirely fashionably clothed, as family are demon sales bargain hunters!

LW - sounds like your family were very strict. For various reasons I didn't have visitors to the house, but was allowed to go out to others houses and later on shops/cinema in school holidays. can I be nosy and ask if there were any religious reasons for the strictness?

topsi · 23/06/2010 18:21

Hello, feel I belong here too, have missed out on 21 pages though......don't know what to say now
I will just lurk for a while as if I say too much it often kills the thread.

LaserWidow · 23/06/2010 20:58

Total, the reason was that my stepfather was a horrible, hate-filled man who enjoyed wielding power over helpless children. I can only say he must have got a kick out of it. He didn't like children; we know because he told us so. I'm ashamed to say he & my mum were terribly snobbish and thought a lot of people "common" and therefore not good enough. We weren't permitted to go to friends' houses during the day if they lived somewhere dodgy, like - gasp! - a council estate. Need I say these are their opinions and not mine - I was pleased enough to have a friend and didn't give a monkey's about their background. (Mine was far more dodgy than theirs anyway, imo)

Hello Topsi, do tell your social-awkwardness traumas - makes a change from hearing about mine (seriously, I am hogging this thread and I feel rude!)

TotalChaos · 24/06/2010 16:34

sorry to hear your stepfather was so unpleasant, and it was strictness for the sake of controlling strictness that you were so restricted, Laser. Do you go on the StatelyHomes threads at all?

LaserWidow · 24/06/2010 21:18

I have read some of it. Compared to other people's stories, I feel I got off quite lightly.

But I don't understand how my mother could turn such a blind eye. I would want to totally destroy any person who abused my DC in any way, shape or form. It worries me that I may overcompensate with him to make up for all I suffered.

Still, it could have been a lot more severe. There are such horrifying and terrible stories posted. I feel lucky in a way; at least the scumbag man wasn't my father. I think that makes it so much worse.

TotalChaos · 24/06/2010 21:55

Unfortunately some people prioritise their partner above their kids, retreat into denial etc. I think SolidGold posts some good stuff about people who are determined to hold onto their partner, no matter what cost to themselves and others around them, the myths around coupledom/monogamy etc.

MarionCole · 24/06/2010 22:28

Come help me psych myself up for an awkward confrontational situation that I have to deal with in the morning.

WhatsWrongWithYou · 24/06/2010 23:44

Gird yourself Marion, you've a schoollifetime of this stuff ahead of you!

Try not to think of it as a confrontation, more a clarifying of the situation.
I usually take a vague approach initially, something like "X said this last night, he probably got the wrong end of the stick but was really upset' - teacher gives her side and you can get your point in about your attitude to food and to this incident, keeping it as a discussion rather than accusing anyone (which I'm sure you wouldn't do anyway).

TotalChaos · 25/06/2010 15:59

agree with What. with school stuff and littlies, try and approach with a genuine spirit of enquiry - i.e. get the teachers story before getting overtly complainy. as littlies can get the wrong end of stick or miss out the vital half of the story!

MarionCole · 25/06/2010 19:04

That's the way I approached it, I was so embarrassed though. I said from the start that I thought he had probably got the wrong end of the stick, put two conversations together and the wrong conclusion, or that it might have been something that another kid had said to him. Anyway, they were really good about it, assured me that 'naughty' is a word they never use and that the library van hadn't been for about 3 weeks! So God knows where he got it from. They said also that they understand and agree with my approach to food. All good . Kids, what a pain in the arse, who'd 'ave'm.

mumoftrio · 25/06/2010 19:52

evening fellow socialites

WhatsWrongWithYou · 25/06/2010 20:54

It is embarrassing when you first have to question a teacher. But believe me you'll get to the stage where you don't think twice about it!
Or is that just me

LaserWidow · 25/06/2010 23:16

How many times would you have to query something with a teacher before you get nonchalant about it? As a social worrier, I mean? That's the thing that bothers me - I'm concerned that I might unintentionally be a little abrasive or confrontational. Like PFB syndrome gorn mad. I wouldn't march in all guns blazing, definitely not, but maybe the stance the teacher adopts could throw you for six and you say something you never intended to, just through being flustered?

Glad you're still around this thread, had a brief vision that everyone had gone home, or slipped off to the pub, metaphorically speaking, and not said anything. [paranoid emoticon]

TotalChaos · 26/06/2010 08:46

Laser - don't know if you've ever had a job dealing with the public - but if you think yourself to the other person's position - as long as you are polite, not swearing/threatening then sure you may say something slightly odd - but they aren't going to be upset or think you are a nightmare to deal with. MN is a very good sounding board re:school problems - so if in doubt, ask on here first, as if you are being at all PFB even raising an issue many people will tell you!

LaserWidow · 26/06/2010 14:32

I have actually had jobs involving the public - usually over the phone though, which is a different kettle of fish. It's easier over the phone to soothe someone who is irate with your company, for example - particularly when you feel their anger is justified and they have been treated in a way you wouldn't like yourself. That's quite easy, no trouble with that.

It's face-to-face situations I have bother with. I'm not quick at thinking how to express myself if the discussion doesn't pan out how I had roughly imagined. Having said that, it will be a while before DS is even in pre-school so I am worrying unnecessarily early... duh!

MarionCole · 27/06/2010 18:41

I'm fine dealing with people at work when I know that I know more about a subject than they do. Otherwise I'm terrified that they will find me out and humiliate me. I hate talking at seminars because I don't know who I'm talking to. I would love to be more politically active but I'm scared that someone would ask me a question that I can't answer!

mumoftrio · 29/06/2010 13:24

afternoon ladies

LaserWidow · 29/06/2010 14:23

Hello Mumoftrio!

I'm lurking but afraid to post in case it kills the thread and leaves me with an unanswered post which would embarrass me

mumoftrio · 29/06/2010 19:38

Dont you worry my dear I do all the thread killing round here

How you doing anyway

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