I dont suppose any of you would like to join the socially awkward society I am going to start?

[MumofTrioTrioIwanaTrioIwant1NW]

free membership Or is it just me?

Am annoyed at myself for being socially awkward (several instances today in company),

I do try thats the annoying thing I just dont seem to be able to be anything else! pah!

Please come cheer me up somehow

you two.

i know what you mean, Marion about work suffering - i wanted to build space rockets, but was convinced that everything i did was rubbish and didn't dare ask anyone for help (even as far as on my 3rd year project, my tutor told me i should get my microscope photos done in colour and developed at Boots and the uni would pay for the film and processing. i did them in black and white because the thought of having to ask for the money back filled me with terror (black and white was free and we developed them ourselves in the lab)
i regret that to this day because the microscope pictures were shockingly beautiful in colour. (grain structures - each grain lying in a different direction was a different shade and it looked like nothing you've ever seen)

similar to this in black and white

this is the closest thing i can find in colour

bit bigger so you can see it

I worry about being like a scratched record on here - playing the "Bad Childhood Blues"! Since most of you are mothers, perhaps you're more alert to the issues (I hope). I'm quite sure that 90% of shyness, social phobia, et al are rooted in insufficiently-nurturing childhood experiences. Some of the posts to this thread have described quite horrific family backgrounds.

While it's understandable that people don't want to rummage too deeply through distressing memories, I do feel it's necessary to acknowledge the source: at least in general. CBT can't work until you become aware of the unhelpful thoughts.

It wasn't until I started inner-child work that I discovered I thought of myself, deep down, as a big fat slug (one of Daddy's favourite epithets). For all the positive reinforcements I gave myself, I still thought of myself that way ... so I'd been telling myself I was a confident, attractive, popular, big fat slug!! Not too surprising my confidence was a fragile veneer, then.

I can't pretend to have all the answers. I'm still on my 'journey'. As I said upthread, social skills can be learned and I strongly advocate learning them. But, to rectify the underlying problem, I suspect many of us need to 're-parent' ourselves. When you truly KNOW you are important, valuable and desirable, those negative thoughts will have no place. And you won't be needing validation from others

That's the theory!

nickelbabe - I'm going to have to look up what a micrograph is! Like that one, though, just as a picture

a micrograph is a photograph you take of something that you've put under the microscope

now you can see why i'm upset i couldn't pluck up the courage to ask for the money!

I totally agree with you Isgraceavailable. Although the CBT book has helped me cope and deal better on a day to day basis, those underlying negative beliefs about myself as a result of an abusive childhood, still remain and I think a two pronged approach is the answer. I've now arranged some counselling to address these issues but will carry on with the CBT alongside.

It's awful when you know that you've known your low self-esteem/lack of social confidence has held you back or deliberately stopped you from doing something.

There are so many things I know I can do but in real life I can't bring myself to pipe up and own up to them. We have some quite good friends who only on Friday discovered that my degree was in music and then wanted to know why I wasn't in the church choir/a leading musical light of the community and I just sat them and was terribly self-deprecating when inside I'd LOVE to do that but I'm just too shy.

All these bullying stories are ringing bells as well. I was weird, nerdy and had no friends at school, had to hide my cleverness at home in case it upset my brother and sister, then tried to be popular-but-dim at university (which didn't work) and meant I didn't get the marks I knew I could have because it wasn't 'cool' to work

The inner child stuff sort of makes sense. Even now when I try to be pretty/confident etc I don't feel like that inside. But I don't know what my inner child looks like!

frakkit- i command you to join your local choir.
especially a church one, as we seem to be a dying breed!

i promise you that they will be so grateful for numbers in the ranks they won't even care what you sound like (or rather, think you sound like...).

as i've mentioned further up the page, singing in a choir has really boosted my confidence in that area.

I actually had a very nurturing upbringing, I can bring no fault against the way my parents brought me up. Honestly. I was an only child, my mum was a SAHM and my dad worked long hours. My mum and I were very insular in a way, we are still all very close. We moved house a lot though and while changing primary school was never an issue, the older I got the more difficult I found to settle and make friends (particularly given my freakish appearance). So the one thing I have brought from my childhood is that I want DS to stay with the same friends from reception until sixth form. When DS was born I was so glad he wasn't a girl - DH and I are both tall and DH is very broad, I didn't want a daughter of mine to have to go through what I went through at school. It's OK for a boy to be big.

nickelbabe - I love micrographs. Am impressed that you could take any at all!

I had a very stable family growing up, although thinking back my mum didn't have any friends outside the family. I didn't have parties, or friends over. I was excluded at primary school, there were only four other girls in my class so they paired up nicely, and I used to sit at the side of the playground with a book. By secondary school I had found a few friends, and that was all I needed - although I still used to get stick for my unfashionable haircut and secondhand clothes and desire to do well in tests.
Like someone else said, I thought uni would be better - but chose one where I really didn't fit in socially (being from a state school and not very wealthy).

Marioncole - I was too big, as well. Really embarrassing if you have to dance at a school disco.

I feel quite pleased with myself today - we had a school function and I "mingled".

I'm constantly putting my foot in it out of nerves more than anything else. But once people get to know me they see me as a little kooky but a good sort.

I hate the 'burning blush' thing. More than when I try and crack a joke and end up offending someone. At least I can apologise for that!!

I force myself into social situations to get more practice and try not to fret over what I might have done wrong.....

But I am so in your club. A lifetime membership for me!!

Marion, I'm very that your height leads you to describe your appearance as freakish! Are you that pretty lady in the white jumper, behind your very cute DS in caterpillar regalia?

HanBanan that's how people see me once they get to know me. I think, a bit odd but quite nice really. One of my best friends freely admits she didn;t like me the first few times we met!

With me it is totally tied up with my upbringing and how I was treated as a child. But the fact that I know this makes it even more frustrating as I still can't change it.

I've had periods in my life where I made no friends at all because I felt so awkward and shy. 6th form was awful, made not a single friend in my first year. Got marginally better in the second year. It's got a bit easier as I've got older but not by much.

I'm comforted by the fact I'm not the only one who finds it harder with friends and family than with strangers. I just feel like I have nothing to say. it's horrid. I've done courses and had counselling but it's just not a skill you can learn. And another odd thing is the kind of people who can make me feel awkward. I have a few absolutely lovely ex colleagues, from differnt jobs, who I just clam up with. No reason, they just make me feel wierd and embarrased through NO fault of my own. Kind of like you might feel if you were talking to a man you have a crush on but I HONESTLY don;t fancy these ladies!

I'm a little bit more at peace with it all now but still hate the way I am at times. I'm now thankful that I've got the friends that I have who know me and love me for who I am, and that I don;t need to have hundreds of friends for my life to be good.

But this is the one thing in my life I would change if I could.

No Grace, that's DSD's (14 yr old) best friend! I am tall and I have very unusual features - very big eyes and prominent cheekbones - so it's not just the height that makes me say 'freakish'. I am far more comfortable with my appearance now and I now know I'm not unattractive, but I certainly felt like a freak when I was 14.

Have put a photo on profile page for a little while.

I thought as much, Marion. You're exactly what I imagined You do realise you have all the qualities required of a model, don't you?

In my late teens & early twenties, I was often stopped by model-spotters but was so convinced of the 'big fat slug' thing, I either thought they were taking the piss or had nefarious motives. I did actually do some modelling later - but hated it, as couldn't bear having my picture taken! The agency took me on as a spotter, though. It was fun.

Very many top models were called weird or gawky at school. You need longer hair, with some loose curls around your lower face & neck.
Like this, if you'll excuse the hasty cut & paste! Didn't have time to do your makeup, sorry

I am actually trying to grow my hair at the moment Grace, but that's not the real problem, the bigger issue is that I am nearly 40!

Thank you for your kind words though.

Now can you sort out my career?

Heh, Marion, I wasn't trying to suggest you take up modelling now! More that you never were 'freakish' and any daughter you'd had would have been a stunna

Though there is plenty of work for 40-year-old models ...

I'll sort your career out after I've done mine, okay?

Incidentally, I used Julia Roberts's hair. I was going to use her makeup, too, as her face is a similar shape to yours. But I couldn't - because your features are more evenly spaced than hers and your eyes are much larger! Take a bow: you're more beautiful than 'Pretty Woman'.

mitochondria that's interesting what you say about your mum because mine was actually very similar. She had no friends of her own and I could always see that she found it socially challenging to go out with my dad's work colleagues.

I don't think I can blame that though, I have a very sociable brother. My parents now have lots more friends - more than I do in fact - as they are retired and have more time to do fun things.

I'm finding this recent observation hitting home - my mum has no friends and never has really - when dd1 asks her who her best friend is she says it's my dad, her dh.

I suppose it's possible that with no frame of reference regarding adult female-female relationships its no wonder I flounder a bit. But I think it's more my lack of self-esteem - another common theme on this thread I think.

I wanted to add another social etiquette thing that I really struggle with - cheek kissing! I just can't get it right and usually end up misreading the cues and either kissing someone who wasn't expecting it or going for the wrong cheek and ending up kissing on the lips

I think cheek kissing should be banned. I'm not very good at shaking hands either, to be honest. I worry that mine are sweaty!