I dont suppose any of you would like to join the socially awkward society I am going to start?

[MumofTrioTrioIwanaTrioIwant1NW]

free membership Or is it just me?

Am annoyed at myself for being socially awkward (several instances today in company),

I do try thats the annoying thing I just dont seem to be able to be anything else! pah!

Please come cheer me up somehow

well, that's three of us that "can't sing", including Marjori.
I'm glaad you found your voice, M

interesting what mothers put us through.

church choirs are usually the most welcomign and unjudgy, because it's so hard to get adults in them these days. worth a try.
although, you do have to pluck up the courage to talk to the choirmaster...

Joining an orchestra has also given me more confidence. I was approached at half time at my first rehearsal for 'looking interesting' ie. under 60 - I'm not part of the orchestra social circle particularly (out of choice mainly) but after an inevitably awkward start I can manage to go out to the pub with them after concerts.

I am another non-singer. When I made my First Communion I was told by the teacher not to sing - just mime the words Thus followed years of being completely and utterly unable to sing - even along to the radio when by myself or Happy Birthday in a crowd!

For some reason I got less self conscious about it when I had children and sing to them quite a bit.

I always joke though that they go to sleep to avoid being subjected to my singing.

LeQueen - your post has scared me, a bit. I always thought the other mums were sizing me up and finding me lacking in some way - "not one of us" sort of thing.

And it seems I may have been right.....

My best friend, although I don't see her much now due to reasons of distance, I met at school when I was 11. On starting a new school I was being shown around by one of the other girls. She pointed out my friend-to-be in the playground with the words "We don't talk to her. She's weird".

I think I just need to find more misfits. Trouble is, we're all hiding in corners shuffling our feet, aren't we?

mitochondria I always find LeQueen posts are scary. dont' pay attention.

well more strange than scary really.

I've noticed that she always seems to post on threads where people have a particular issue, or insecurity and then just gloats and boasts about not having that particular issue.

in thise case 'i'm charming' on another where someone was in a difficult marraige 'i have the fairytale' it goes on.

I conclude that she must have some kind of issue to keep doing this!!

I don't think I could ever be described as "charming". Not sure I'd want to be, to be honest.

I do think a hobby or something might help. Perhaps I should do some practise and join an orchestra. Although playing a misfit's instrument doesn't help.

yes I know waht you mean about 'charming'. I dont' think i'd want to be desribed as that either. it has a kind of dishonest quality to it doesn't it.

I am still delighted in the number of people who have joined my social awkwardness society and to think I felt alone 406 posts ago

Mitochondria are you really a misfit? why say so? there enough of us 'misfits' out there to not be misfits, i'm sure.

there are alot of 'charmers' out there too and many dont'care for these types, believe me.

You actually sound like really lovely people, all you socially inept...

We can't all be full of ourselves and convinced we know what's best for others - everybody's circumstances throughout their lives have been different, and we can't all be lucky enough to be born confident and not have that confidence crushed to smithereens by adults who should know better. I'm quite cross now. I don't like books to say: "Are you shy? Stop it at once. Some people have REAL problems.." As if you could change the way you feel at the drop of a hat! Sure you can alter your outer demeanour, but if you can change how wrong-footed you feel when some ratbag is rude/mean/inconsiderate and you don't instantly know how to handle it, then I'll eat my hat.

(DH once remarked that he could start a site for me called RateMyRant)

I meant to click Preview and I got Post instead!

Probably would have cut all but one sentence of that x 10000

greenhippo - you're right, I know - just seems at the moment that I don't fit in, particularly with other school parents.
We moved here a couple of years ago.

Laser - my mum used to give me a hard time for being shy, when we met people and I would hide behind her legs (I was quite small at this point). I can't help it!

I can put on a pretty good act - I have to, as a teacher.

Hello Can I join in too?

It's comforting to know that there are so many other people feeling the same way - shyness can be such a lonely place. I have suffered with it all my life but have never really talked to anyone about how bad it is.

In some circumstances I am much better at acting confident than in others. Someone told me on a training course I went on recently that I was 'assertive' - I was looking round to see who they were talking about and couldn't believe it was little old me. Inside I'm a quivering shaking mess - unless I'm with friends that I know well.

I agree with the meeting other mums bit - I always seem to be on my own with DS and everywhere I go I see these seemingly happy groups of women chatting away as if they've known each other for years. I do try and make an effort at playgroups etc but think I must come across as a bit desperate as I seem to frighten people off

I avoid going to get my hair cut as I find the small talk and eye contact in the mirror so painful.

Sorry, I seem to have waffled on. Gulp.

I think one of the reasons not much seems to be known or said about this affliction is that we're all too shy to talk about it!
Can you imagine a One Show or Woman's Hour item about shyness? They'd never get anyone willing to speak in public!

Hi, just wanted to say I'm still here, even though I haven't said anything for a while. Couldn't think of anything interesting to say

One of my worst, most hideous traits is making jokes all the time to make people like me. I can't just say 'hello' to a mum at school who talks to me, I have to say something completely stupid or over the top so she'll like me. Did this this morning - made up a totally insane story about DD doing something silly, when I could have just said something sensible. Problem is, I get so embarrassed by my own forced jollity that I then scarper, leaving whoever it is looking slightly bemused ...

I can actually be quite witty and interesting with people I know well, really I can.

One of the issues that comes up frequently is how hard we are on ourselves when we feel we didn't do too well, when we wouldn't be on somebody else. A mum came up to me whilst I was cutting out dough shapes and said jokingly that "the pretence works better when you actually have a child sitting with you" (they had been but had gone off to do something else, honest) I suspect if I had said that to someone I would have later thought (during the post social-event analysis) that I had probably come across as judgemental or trying to be funny and failing. But I never thought that about the mum who actually said it. I cringe later when I've made a throwaway remark to somebody who hasn't responded - but sometimes I haven't responded to someone else's throwaway remark because I'm too slow for repartee and the moment passes. I worry endlessly about what other people think and all it does is stress me out more

Hi I'm still here too.

True we can't all be super-confident, etc. But I think in most instances you need a mix of people with differing social skills. I was at group recently where there was only me and two other ladies and we were all quite quiet types and it actually fell to me (little old socially inept me) to keep the conversation going and be the life and soul as it were. It was soooo painful - and not helped by DS having a long drawn-out tantrum over a biscuit. I was just desperate for someone more outgoing to turn up and take over.

I do think though that there is something to be learned from people who can do something that I can't though. Surely that's true of every skill/lifeskill. It can't hurt to talk to socially-skilled people and just say 'how do you do that?' You never know what you could learn.

Malinkey - come on in. All social gaffes are excused on this thread.

can I please join - I am fine initially but I never seem to know the right thing to say, am perpetually nervy and self concious and just generally rubbish and talk too much!

CJ - I do that too - constant jokes (often unfunny). Also, I share WAYYYYYYYYYYY too much about my life not realising that it bores the crap out of everyone else.

Lequeen just signed herself into the thread rather easily actually - we have all met the people who brag and big themselves up constantly and even the shy amongst us avoid them - therefore proving her social inneptitude and qualifying herself nicely as a member of the socially awkward group

morning all!

welcome to the newcomers!

i love this thread - it's very cathartic (in the emotional lateral sense, not the bowels literal sense....)

see, that should have been funny.

i had my belly dancign class last night - there's a great hobby for raising self-confidence.
the class members are all shapes, ages and sizes.

I've been doing it a few years and am part of a proper dance troupe (and i do performances in front of strangers and everything (on stage!)). god, that's frightening.

i have to say, though, that i'm really confident there - i know most of the girls, and the teacher is very encouraging. that's part of the battle to self-confidence, i believe, it's having someone say that you've done such-and-such well, or that that looks good, that's exactly right, good technique. that kind of thing. it's meant that i can dance in front of people because i know i'm doing it well.

having said all that, last night our teacher put us in pairs to do a certain piece of technique (cos we have no mirrors), and i didn't mind, because i was standing in the circle next to my friend. but she paired my friend off with someone else, and i was paired with a girl i didn't know. I was so close to wanting to cry.
it scares me when that happens, because i don't know how to do small talk, or what happens if i'm crap at this and she laughs? etc etc. even though i've been doing it about 3 years more than the other girl i still worried she'd laugh at me.

it was okay in theend, partly because i was thinking of this thread.
i complimented her on her dress (we had to stare at each other's hips!) and then i felt much more at ease. phew.

I was too shy to join this thread so I might as well go the whole hog, kill it and then slink off thinking I told myself I shouldn't have posted...

I am at my worst at the school gates. For some reason I really repel other mums. How do they all know each other? How do they go from "hello" to gales of laughter in coffee shops? If I ever join a group (really rare) you can bet your bottom dollar that the conversation turns to a mutual acquaintance (their mutual acquaintance, that is) and I'm left standing there like a lemon.

I've told myself that I must GIVE UP and accept that I am a perennial Norma No Mates, because I obviously give off terrible vibes.

Laser, know what you mean about the post social event analyis. I always do that. i'm trying to stop it though as i'm simply torturing myself.

I'm having counselling and something usefull she said about my social anxiety is that we get into habits of thinking and being, but that they are just that - habits. which made me think okay, with some work, perhpas i can form new habits.

It seems a better way of thinking about things, rather than aaarh i have to change my personality! or god i'm stuck this way!

I think it's also true that shy poeople can be berated and that there is room for different types - afterall one person's chatty and outgoing is another person's loud and boorish! i guess what really matters though is if we are not happy with our shyness we need to try and alter it or accept it somewhow.

chihirio yes we can learn from the socially skilled - but it helps if they have empathy with the not so skilled!

oh and nickelbabe well done! soudns like you handled it all perfectly in the end.

Graymercy. Do not give up.Do not quit. (with apologies to carver from the wire and obama speech)

Perhaps temporarily you should not try conversing at the school gatesas it is causing you most anguish. let that one go, you can go back to it when you feel better and are not so locked in this frame of mind.

For now is there another, easier way you can find a mum to talk to on a one to one? A way you can ease yourself in and start to build up your confidence in this area?