I dont suppose any of you would like to join the socially awkward society I am going to start?

[MumofTrioTrioIwanaTrioIwant1NW]

free membership Or is it just me?

Am annoyed at myself for being socially awkward (several instances today in company),

I do try thats the annoying thing I just dont seem to be able to be anything else! pah!

Please come cheer me up somehow

Gramercy, I could have posted that message word for word! It's such a relief to find others feeling the same way!

Greenhippo, I didn't realise so many people do the post social-event thing - somebody else mentioned it first and I fell on the phrase with whoops of joy as it summed the whole tortuous thinking up perfectly. It is self-destructive rather than helpful, and I try not to do it but think of other more pleasant things. Thinking negatively may be a habit you can train yourself out of but it is deeply engrained. Anything your therapist can suggest would be helpful. Sorry, not trying to hog your therapist. I should get one of my own

Impressed at nickelbabe's range of talents

laser will gladly share other points my counsellor told me!

only got a couple more pointers as seeing her about other stuff too. I have to go out now so will be back later with some useful things she said.

[bows]

now i just have to ring these custoemrs.

i plucked up the courage to do it this morning nd the first lady on the list didn't answer and there was no answerphone so now i've got to start all over again!

Can you email or text this person nickelbabe? They seem to be standard methods of business communication these days - no longer seen as rude in most circumstances.You've probably already thought of this and had reason to discount it though.
Is this developing into a sharing thread? If so, I'd lime to share that I had cbt a long time ago, after being diagnosed with pnd. DD was 11m old at the time, and I'd also been horrendously down after having DS1 but never thought to see anyone about it - I just thought it was part of my wierdness.
But the cbt wasn't successful for me, and I've since realised that the wrong tree was being barked up; all my depressive felings and negative thoughts revolved around my social phobia, but of course as a classic case I didn't talk about it.
So I'd say I felt lousy and the psychologist would say no you don't and here's why - the actual root of the problem was never addressed.
I wonder if you could apply the principles of cbt to this issue? I'm sure it's been done, might be worth looking into.

Oh its such a relief to here you guys talk about this stuff. I have to ask my dp if I came across ok as I wind myself up so much (did I laugh too loudly there - OMG they think i am WIERD>.............).

Love this thread and in awe of some of the brave things you guys have done.

chipmonkey re: the whole Asperger's thing, I thought I had it too and scored quite high on the online tests so think I'm kind of borderline. I definitely have some asperger's traits but don't tick all the boxes. For example I don't have a problem with empathy or understanding facial expressions (or at least I don't think I do ) and I've never had any real obsessions, which seems to be a core Asperger's trait. Its just the not really knowing what to do in social situations. But then they are still researching how Asperger's is expressed in females.

I am having a really bad patch at the moment.
I do have friends, I have some lovely old friends all over the country, but I seem to have a bit of drought of local friends.
I can think of 5 or 6 people in town who would be mortified if they knew how lonely I feel right now. I have a really good friend who lives practically next door, but i worry that she might think ''oh bloody hell, t's that ellie again, she's always round here..''

With other friends, I think I am 'd' list, IYKWIM. They think of me fondly but not top of their list of people to go out with.
I want a posse, like I used to have.

Ellie I know what you mean about not having many friends and not wanting to seem really clingy with the ones you do have. I used to be embarrassed about how few friends I have but these days I just console myself that quality matters more than quantity and I do have some really amazing close friends (though like you they're dotted all over the country).

As far as being on the 'd' list goes, I totally understand what you mean. But I guess you'll never move up the lists if you don't initiate contact and suggest things to do together. And if they turn you down try not to take it personally (not that I practise what I preach though).

I think people who are more confident and outgoing always seem like they have loads of friends because they consider all friendly acquaintances to be friendships, whereas introverts tend to think only people they are close to are real friends IYKWIM.

Yes, bit of a bad patch here too. Moved to the area almost two years ago and still don't have anyone I can call a friend locally although I see plenty of mums in the street or at the park who I now know well enough to wave and chat to. But would love to just have a few friends - people to do stuff with, either with or without the kids.

And I am struggling to keep in touch with old friends too - I keep meaning to email them, but then I see them on facebook with 200+ friends each and doing tons of exciting things and I think 'they've moved on - they might not want to still be friends with me'. Which is stupid 'cos they probably don't think anything of the sort.

Problem 1 I am tackling through local toddler groups although it is slow going and I often have to force myself out of the door to go to these things. Problem 2 DH and I have been discussing so we are having a trip down south in August to visit two sets of old friends. I think you just have to put the work in to maintain long-distance friendships and force yourself to keep in touch - if I can't bring myself to pick up the phone (which I can't) then email is a godsend.

I find it very hard to go from the acquaintance at the school gate to the proper friend and the one person I have gotten close to is moving away. Doesn't help that my house is a tip a lot of the time so I find it difficult to ask people back for coffee!

in fact, I have decided to do drastic things and come off electronica for a while, no FB, forums or Twitter, to force myself to actually deal with real people in real life and, sort of Get My Life Back, like it used to be.
Good luck, my socially clunky comrades...

Good luck Ellie!

I don't think I could be that drastic. I had no friends before the internet. At least now I have some imaginary ones who live inside my computer.

Chipmonkey, I could have written that word for word.

The first time it happened, my best friend moved away in second grade. The latest was about a year ago.

As to the house......why bother if we never entertain? But I am beginning to be better about it and considering that me and my family are important 'enough' to clean for.

WhatsWrong - unfortunately i only took a land-line number - if i'd taken a mobile i would have texted her after not getting through.
i never dare ask anyone for email in case they think it's because i don't want to ring them!

and that's reallyrotten about your CBT/PND misdiagnosis - usually we're so scared to tell the "expert" that we think they're wrong.

I read this in the paper today and thought of this thread:

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jun/19/what-really-thinking-shy-person

And then I wondered if they'd actually got it from this thread!

I particularly like the bit where they said 'to be happy there you have to let go of other people's perceptions of you'. So true and so bloody difficult as to be almost impossible.

One of my worst, most hideous traits is making jokes all the time to make people like me. I can't just say 'hello' to a mum at school who talks to me, I have to say something completely stupid or over the top so she'll like me. Did this this morning - made up a totally insane story about DD doing something silly, when I could have just said something sensible. Problem is, I get so embarrassed by my own forced jollity that I then scarper, leaving whoever it is looking slightly bemused .. cj THIS IS ME

I think people think I am a loon Just wanted you to know I feeeeeeeeeel your pain lol

Nickelbabe, I didn't even know myself what the true diagnosis should have been.
I just put my odd thoughts and experiences down to my own weirdness - or I'd find some reason why I'd found a particular situation excruciating: 'she's such a cow'; 'well, I didn't know anyone there';'I wasn't expecting it to be like that,' etc.
I'm not sure even now I could sit in front of a HCP and say 'I really struggle socially and it gets me down - could you help me with it?' That's why the idea of hypnosis appeals I suppose - assuming you find someone you trust, you can see them for a few sessions then never have to see them again, unlike your gp.

Re. the email addresses: I've no idea what your business entails but afaik it's standard business practise these days to grill people for information take several forms of contact for customers - no one would think it odd, and it might create an aura of being busy and in control - a positive thing, no?

whatswrongwithyou didnt want to ignore your post love, everyone is making such sense to me here, am loving the company

hello ladies!

gramercy - school gate is virtually a lost cause for me, unless you grew up on one of about 2 estates and knew each other from that it seems nearly impossible to break into the groups. just write it off a bit, and keep an eye out for newcomers who give off friendly signals.

what'swrong - unfortunate that you never got to discuss what was really bugging you in CBT. I guess CBT type principles dealing with social anxiety would involve looking at 1)what's the worst that can happen if you do do the wrong thing socially 2)what people are really likely to be thinking in social situations (i.e. most people are self-absorbed or broadly well-meaning so not listening that carefully or judgmentally they would notice all faux pas 3)sort of controlled exposure to situations where you feel anxious - so maybe setting a goal of talking to x amount of people at toddler group/requesting help in a shop, whatever is appropriate.

nickel I have a list of people to phone at my work, I don't enjoy it, even though most people are v. pleasant (my job is healthcare related, so nothing sales/money related).

Re the guardian piece. I think she's wrong about people's perceptions

it's not necessarily about letting go of people's perceptions about you, it's letting go of what you think people's perceptions of you are.

Too often we believe we can read people's minds and so make up whole host of stories in our head about people not liking us etc, when we have no actual evidence for this, it's just wild speculation and often we're wrong. most people are not thinking those bad things!

how do we know what they're thinking about us??

I keep deleting my posts before even previewing them; everything I try to say ends up seeming pretentious, know-it-all, trite or just common-or-garden pathetic and embarrassing.

Please offer some crumbs of comfort by confirming that I am not alone in this.

(And yes, if no-one replies I will creep off and cry )

Greenhippo, you're spot on, but how to change a mindset you could have had from childhood? In the absence of evidence to the contrary, they might be thinking something akin to what you imagine, if not half as bad...

This is a lousy post too. I meant to say other things re the Guardian piece and other posts but I can't get them to sound right.

Laser - yup, I do this too. Type a long post then think....na - nobody will be interested.

greenhippo - I don't think people think much about me at all, to be honest. I'm a bit like wallpaper.