I dont suppose any of you would like to join the socially awkward society I am going to start?

[MumofTrioTrioIwanaTrioIwant1NW]

free membership Or is it just me?

Am annoyed at myself for being socially awkward (several instances today in company),

I do try thats the annoying thing I just dont seem to be able to be anything else! pah!

Please come cheer me up somehow

Oh, and I also have done the attempt at letting new people know I am quite shy and nervous in new situations only to have everyone stare at me blankly until one of the ballsy women went "....Well that was weird!" and changed the subject... to herself... (we were at a party and at one point I found myself sitting with a bunch of about 6 women I never met before apart from the one who was rude and she is a b!tch anyway so maybe I should have kept schtum)

I just stalked off and shut myself in the bathroom and cried - how pathetic is that...

Masiebean - no probs, I will probably kill the thread now

Paranoid1sTimer thats awful! What a cow. The only people I have mentioned my shyness to is my close family, I can't discuss it with Dp as he wouldn't understand. My close friends "get me" and that helps a lot. I once told another woman that I wasn't drinking any alchohol at a party as it made my depression (then had PND) worse. She just laughed and said "I was depressed once and just told myself to get over it".I think you have to be a bit choosy who you tell and if you trust them.

I feel totally crushed now that I realise those mums I keep trying so hard with have already discounted me out of hand as I have nothing in common with them. I didn't even know that self-confident people can tell this by small talk and presumably my dreary questions on their child's groovy outfit. And the nod-and-smile that probably means "Not interested in you" is all that is to be my lot.

Still, must keep up the farce for DS's sake. The "which bakery would you recommend" open question reminded me of DSis offering to make the b'day cake for her SIL's daughter's birthday. SIL said smiling "I'd be a rotten mother if I couldn't make my own daughter a birthday cake". When the time came it turned out the cake was shop-bought by DSis's MIL. Bet that snub felt good...

I took so long to post my message it seems out of place now oooohh noooo Such a klutz! Only DSis knows the extent of my inner wreck because she has similar problems (but does have a few good friends, lucky her) and also does the post-social event analysis beat-up thing. I couldn't really tell anyone else except DH (and even then not the whole works)

I think I've kept my phobia secret as an adult - at least, I haven't directly dicussed it with anyone, apart from an old friend I no longer live near.
We never discussed it when we were seeing each other regularly (both with small DCs), but somehow it came up during a phone conversation (she was talking about her oldest son's struggles and I said he sounded like me), and she said well I'm the same actually.
Since then, although we don't speak or see each other often, it's quite a relief to know there's someone on the same wavelength as far as social anxiety goes, and we can have a moan and a laugh about it.
I think I was going to make a point here but can't remember what it was now so I'll just let that stand .

the post social event analysis beat-up thing is quite normal.

people allways say I am a very confident sort of person.

The truth is, I just pretend. As someone else mentioned, it is almost like a "game" of which you have to know the rules. You always start with the weather or the sports day or somthing neutral, then you build it up from there. A few self depracating remarks always go down well. And questions about the other person.

I think some people are just better at pretending. THe only thing that helps me is that I am naturally very interested and curious about other people.

So: Fake it until you make it!

Everyone has a few demons I reckon.

this is a great thread!

i am terribly shy and naturally socially inept.

when i was about 19 or 20, it was so bad i basically had no life and i just thought, fuck it. i have to do SOMETHING. so i went to this assertiveness training thing that was not quite what i was looking for, but they had all this literature for shy people and anyway, to cut a long story short i started reading all these things that offered simple, point by point steps on how to tackle social situations and stuff.

it does work. but it takes alot of practice. people would now describe me as (to quote lequeen) charming and good company and confident.

the thing is of course [whispers] its all a big fat act. sometimes the act itsefl is more exhausting than being shy and socially inept.

over the years i have tried to strike a balance between who i am and who i need to be to successfully make my way through life. if you see what i mean.

but i still never feel comfortable in any social situations. ever.

am sighing because i have a big function to attend tonight and DH has jetted off so i have to go alone. and its one of those things they send round an engraved and crested invite to........so this thread has been very timely!

I'm anohter socially awkward person. I have the phone phobia (I always imagine I am catrching someone at completely the qrong time and annoying them).

I have two kids with ASD and pretty much know that I have mild AS too: I used to be fairly outgoing but since relaising it has shaken me somewhat and I now question everytihing until Ir each teh conclusion that I misundersttod everything and got it all wrong. I live in a small town where we are very much the newcomers and we do stick out with 2 sn kids which probably dosn't help.

I am OK in certain sitiuations: face to face with small grups of epople is OK, 1-1 I am excellent (used to do a lot of that for work) but in a large group or somewhere random like a schoolgroup I have no idea how to approach people and over analyse everything until I can do nothing. I well remeber having to go up to soemoone I got on quite well with and relaising I simply did not have a script for breaking into an exisitng coversation (I had to give her info about a PA meeting that day). I am betetr in organsied groups such as PA etc but there isn't one where the odler boys are and the SNU ds3 attends is too far away really.

I always managed to have close friends and do still but tehya re a long way away back home and I never managed to break into any exisitng groups here. It's too late now I think; I am Weird Playground Mum, I earned that but it won't go away now. can't do playdates / coffee becuase of teh boys needs, have tried but always given up due to ds1's reaction.

I am a carer but hope to get back to work in next few eyars as it's good to have working relationships I find. DH is quite outgoing and has mates here and at home but not really ones I can get together with as someone needs to be with the boys. He'd love it if I could adn I am not sure he really understands but that is soemthing that may apss as my youngest ages a bit- where they meet isn;t really a safe environment (to put it mildly- shared hobby thing). PLus, it's his hobby- it's OK but it's no way me in the way it is him IYKWIM?

I need a job. And a set of rules on how to do people.

Chandon I think you are right.

PaulMcKenna is very not me usually but In picked up a copy of his book and read it anyway- the Ic can make you confident one. he said to decide who you want to be and just pretend to be them. I ahve tried that a few times and it works.

But I do fear it's too late now; people have given up on odd me. Smile briefly and cross the road stylee.

I had to go and see my daughter's new pre-school this morning. I was dreading it a bit but today was the last chance so I had to go.

I drove up there and then I freaked out in the car for a bit thinking 'maybe I could just phone them' but then I pulled myself together and decided I am a grown up woman so just go in there and see how it goes.

It was fine. The girl who runs the place is really nice and although I mumbled a bit and cut across her a bit with my bad conversational timing it went pretty well.

Sometimes the picture in my head is much worse than the reality

IsGraceAvailable thanks for your excellent advice. Very simple stuff but not so obvious to us erm, socially challenged types! The repeating the name thing I am definitely going to do, as this is a big problem of mine. I'm so busy revving myself up to saying my own name, I forget to take in what the other person's is!

Thought the "phone phobia" was something I only suffered with. Absolutely will not ring someone unless they are expecting me to ring - afraid they would look at their phone and think "what does she want - not in the humour to talk to her" Also hate talking on the phone because I never think I have anything interesting to say.

I fully agree with WhatsWrong's suggestion to join a choir!

I'm in my church choir and it's totally transformed my confidence. however, it's increassed my confidence in singing in front of people - nothing else!
but, it gives me something to do one evening a week and in the morning on a Sunday. I like that people from the church recognise me from the choir and will talk to me (rather than me have to worry about starting a conversation). although, i jsut stand there grinning inanely and not having anything to say!

desiretochange - I think the problem is you are thinking that people are thinking these bad things, but in reality they probably aren't thinking anything of the sort - in fact the reverse might even be true. They might actually be thinking 'oh it's desiretochange, how lovely to hear from her' or something nice.

i have to say, that my best friend is probably my best friend for this reason (obviously not the only reason!!)

She once said to me that she loved the fact that we could not have seen each other for months, yet she could ring me and we have a conversation like we'd only spoken last week.

This was said to me when I was at uni and I was worried that because i'd been bad at keeping in touch with my college friends that i'd end up losing them. (she didn't know my worry). It just meant that I was given that little bit of confidence to keep her friendship, because i knew that she didn't feel like i was trying to end the friendship by stealth.
It also gave me the confidence to be able to consider all my other close friends as friends for life, as i knew then that it didn't matter how often we spoke/saw each other/wrote, because they would always be my friends.

I have a real singing phobia. Not just in public- I can't even sing nursery rhymes to my baby!

I was in a church choir in my teens though.. but there were some people who were really good, confident and loud singers and I could only sing if I was being drowned out- the rest of the time I mimed

mountainmonkey - have you made those phone calls yet?

mountainmonkey - when i was a child my mum wouldn't let me join the church choir because she said i couldn't sing.
i used to sing to myself all the time, and loved it, but my mum completely broke my confidence. (i think she did it in quite a few areas - thought that i would be upset if i failed at something so told me it wasn't a good idea because i'd be no good then shouldshe wonder why i was always so painfully shy?! i don't think she knows even now what effect she had on me)

i can even do solos now, in fact i fight for the solo parts. that's really freaky.

of course, when i get the solo part i spend hours agonising over whether it'll be totally crap...
and i find it really hard to sight-sing when people are listening to me. i know i can sight-sing, because i've learned lots of new pieces within one or two goes, but if i have to sing a part that i don't know on my own, then i go to pieces and sound like i've never even read music before!

sing quietly if you're not sure, and practice goes a long way to being confident.

my memory is shit (in fact, i'd say it's pretty non-existant)

i used to hate it, and hide the fact that i'd forgotten things by coming up with stupid excuses. (that's very hard when you're scared to death of speaking out!)

so now, i always tell people that they will need to remind me of that meeting on the day of the meeting, because i will forget.
i joined the PCC this year, and told the priest that fact in front of the meeting (which was horrible), and she said that i would be reminded the week before when i got the agenda, but that of course i'd remember the meeting (giving me helpful tips like writing it down! i'd never thought of that)
So many people seem to think that advice will suddenly cure all these problems (not getting at the very helpful people who've given advice on this thread! ).
Here am I trying to make people aware that, through no fault of my own, I won't remember the important thing and that it's up to them to remind me; and they're trying to give me solutions! how about, people, just take it upon yourself to remind me when i've asked you to. It's taken a lot of courage to tell you my problem, i would appreciate it if you could take me seriously and help me a bit.

(would they do the same if i were in a wheelchair? "oh, well, have you tried walking? you might find you can do it")

'would they do the same if i were in a wheelchair? "oh, well, have you tried walking? you might find you can do it") '

Quite possibly they would: you wouldnt beleive some of the non help and advice we get with the boys LOl (ASD): have you asked them to behave / communicate- er yes. Ta and all though.

Yeah my mum told me I couldn't sing too, I think it must have been when she was going through one of her bad depressive phases. I don't think she meant to be nasty- she's a very nice person and we get on really well, though she did suffer from undiagnosed depression for years and that made her pretty difficult to live with at times.

I think my mum had similar problems with shyness and social anxiety when I was growing up and it must've rubbed off on me. I really want to kick my demons so that this doesn't pass on to my ds. though dp is fairly confident and self assured so hopefully ds will inherit those traits instead.

'would they do the same if i were in a wheelchair? "oh, well, have you tried walking? you might find you can do it") '

Quite possibly they would: you wouldnt beleive some of the non help and advice we get with the boys LOl (ASD): have you asked them to behave / communicate- er yes. Ta and all though.

I was told I couldn't sing by my mum too - but she had a point as I was trying to sing soprano when I'm actually an alto. I soon worked this out though and I was away.

Choirs are lovely, as they don't tend to be at all bitchy. If you don't want to feel sidelined from a clique though, I don't recommend amateur dramatics. Ouch. I was once bitched about for being laughed at on stage in a show that was meant to be humourous. [hmmm] I joined with my DH though so struggled to give a shit.

Mountainmonkey, your mum told you you couldn't sing! !

There's a huge variety of choirs out there; posh choral societies where you have to audition and most people can read music; more relaxed societies which still perform the challenging pieces but aren't such a challenge to attend; same goes for church choirs; then you've got your gospel and community choirs which welcome all comers; down to a few people meeting in someone's house and having a laugh, performing at the odd fête (ie mine).

It might be that you weren't singing within your comfortable range at the choir you were in; I'm an alto, but sometimes have to hit high notes in some of the pieces we sing. Because I'm comfortable in the group I just belt it out and laugh at the resulting squawk, but maybe if you had a couple of lessons with a sympatico teacher they'd tell you your range and you'd at least know where you feel comfortable.

I'm so in awe of Nickelbabe sight-singing and doing solos.

blimey, mountainmonkey - we could almost have the same mother! (i don't think mine was depressed though).
my mum's own shyness nd anxiety i think was the reason she made such odd (and unwittingly cruel!) comments. she constantly tried to stop me from doing stuff just in case i got upset that i failed! insane really, when all these things oculd have been done with practice and encouragement.