It seems DH is plotting to secretly meet an old GF while on a business trip. WWYD?

[CoteDAzur]

He hasn't breathed a word about this to me and it sounds like a rather romantic date.

WWYD?

Purpleduck

It's a cliche to say you are now better off, but in your case, there is no doubt that you are.

I would do what Cartoose suggests, and see what sort of response you get and whether he volunteers that he's meeting up with her whilst away. If he says he will be away, but doesn't say that he's meeting her, then I would chat more about what he'll do in the evenings, either suggesting you may go, or that a mutual friend/member of your family will be there at the same time.

If he's just evasive, then I'd be inclined to tell him what you found, and say that you feel trust is a fundamental part of your relationship, and that as he has lied (by omission) that you are now thinking that your relationship is over, and see how he reacts.

Perhaps if you can show him the consequences of his actions (before he does anything) then you have an opportunity to work through this (with counselling).

I like Cartoose's idea. I really think it's better that you talk to him about it sooner rather than later. The situation could easily be something like shockers's and he might not really 'get' what he is doing. If you tell him you know it may bring him back to earth, and also make him more wary of doing something like that in the future as you are obviously so on-the-ball!

first off there is no way i could continue a physical relationship with my dh if i thought there was achance he was planning of being unfaithfull, as we were going about the deeds thats all i would be thinking about.

secondly why not leave this page up on your computor screen at home? then that way he will have a chance to read how you feel, wont be able to worm out of it as everyones said if you confronted him thats what he would do, secondly hell of a lot cheaper than a PI.

I think you need to ask your self some questions and be truthfull with your self.

This isnt about just him and you its about your DC as well , if you arent that bothered about him doing it then seperate, if you truly love him then sort it out now before it wrecks yours, his and your dc lives dont play games with it all,dont let it ruin your childrens lives.

Hi Cote, I hope you're doing OK. I just wanted to add a different slant on this perhaps which might help?

My DH and I don't really interrogate each other's social lives very rigorously so he could I suppose say 'I'm going to meet XX in the pub' and in reality be going off to meet a woman somewhere, and I could do the same. But basically we trust each other and so I've never felt the need to probe any further - never checked his email or phone and he doens't check mine (neither of us use FB for which I am very grateful!).

However I think I am probably guilty of what your DH is doing which makes me think he might be an innocent in this (I hope so). I love my DH dearly and we are extremely happy, I would never cheat on him. But I am in touch with an ex-boyfriend from uni days who I see very occasionally, maybe once or twice a year. When we meet we have a drink, perhaps have dinner, flirt a little bit and reminisce etc. as well as talking about our partners, work, mutual friends. Nothing ever happens. I am always home by about 10.30pm having had a lovely evening with an old friend and having been flirted with very gently in a harmless sort of way by someone who remembers me as young, thin and sexy.

If DH asks I say 'Oh I was out with XX from uni' and he never asks anything more. If we were to be brutally honest about it I would have to say 'XX and I had a relationship years ago, there's still a little bit of frisson between us' but this wouldn't serve any purpose as it would hugely upset my DH and it would be massively overstating the attraction I have with my ex.

Reading your OP I think your DH may have a similar situation with this woman. I do do hope so.

novice - That is what it feels like to me, too. He really isn't the type to lie and cheat.

Or maybe I'm a fool and he is indeed starting a relationship and will leave us if it works out.

It may have been my grandmother who said "Men are like monkeys. They won't let go of a branch until they have another one in hand". Wise woman.

saintmom - I doubt if this thread would provide DH an insight into "how I'm feeling", since my only mention of my thoughts/feelings was divorce papers if he goes through with it. Which he should know, really.

I feel ok, actually.

good luck Cote, is it this weekend or next he's meant to be going away? TBH I can see why the PI route is tempting because then you'll KNOW for sure one way or another. But what if it's the scenario I suggested in my other post, would you feel guilty and sad for having been so suspicious and ruined the trust you had together?

Let us know what happens, I am thinking of you, hope you're not too anxious x

Novice - if I hire PI, he wouldn't know about it unless I decide to throw him out so I don't think it would ruin the trust we have.

I agree with your grandmother cote!

A lot of men are good compartmentalizing too. I remember xp and I had the most amazing week together on a wonderful holiday and all the while he was plotting to meet up with his ex on our return. I had my suspcions before we went away but because we had such a good time and he was so lovely, kind and wonderful and we made plans for our future I convinced myself I had been wrong. But I hadn't.

I like Cartoose's idea, too.

Interesting though that it's Cote's DH who is the jealous one. I don't know if that indicates a guilt or not?

I've met a couple of old flames after many years, nice to catch up. I took the precaution of discussing with DP beforehand to avoid any shocks.

Bear in mind that your DH and his ex, just like you and me, are likely to be noticably older, fatter and less atractive than last time they met. Maybe reality will correct their fantasies memories.

my DP says "you can't snaffle someone who doesn't want to be snaffled" so it is probably not meeting the old friend that is the cause of any trouble.

ilovemydog, I had forgotten that bit about Cote's DH being jealous of her seeing her ex. That puts a different slant on it IMO - people are often jealous when they themselves have something to hide. Hmmm.

ok but please really think about this, if you truly do love him you are willing to let him go through with this no matter what the implications it will have on your dc?

when you become a mother you do everything for your children first, put them first and tackle this now otherwise the affect it will have on them if he goes through with it and you seperate.

why play these games if it was the two of you fair enough but there are other innocent lives involved as well.

I would of course like to keep our family together and not just for the DC, but realistically, can I really stop him from cheating of that is what he wants to do?

I can stop this particular RDV from taking place, because I know about it. I won't know about all such RDVs and frankly don't want to keep looking. Then what? He will do it if he wants to.

Seriously I think you're right, if he doesn't cheat now through lack of opportunity then when? That's why the PI idea is best, then you get to see what his intentions are.

shockers - Did your DH come out and tell you that he knows about your contact with your ex? That wasn't clear from your post. How did he go about doing it?

Get hold of this book if you can. Whilst it is mainly for the aftermath of an affair, it has some very useful insights etc in how to protect your marriage from affairs, putting up appropriate boundaries in your marriage etc, understanding how affairs start, how easily boundaries are crossed, how "good" people begin affairs. It should be required reading for every married couple. It's a pity WhenwillIfeelnormal doesn't appear to be around at the moment - I am sure she would have some very sage advice for you .

Recovery from an affair myself, all I would say is talk to your DH before he goes away about what you have found, bringing it out into the open takes away some of the excitement of the meeting. Tell him how you understand that we all can be susceptible to the attentions of the opposite sex especially when we have young DC that need our attentions etc. Your DH seems like a "rescuer" helping a "damsel in distress" and I am sure the OW will appreciate/lap up all the attention he will give her, expensive meal etc whereas, maybe to you it is normal/commonplace. Your DH will be getting a kick out of doing something nice for her IYSWIM.

Good luck.

Cote - I think you are definatley right in hiring a PI. I think when you really want to believe what your dh tells you its hard to accept he might be lying, and you'll always wonder.

Can I ask when the trip is planned for?

My heart goes out to you btw..

Maybe he wouldn't ever cheat if you stopped anything happening this time. Maybe no one else would interest him. Maybe this was just a chance contact and he thought he wants more.

When I was talking to my ex he said he wouldn't have been as tolerant about it as my DH had been. I told him there would be nothing to be tolerant about as there would be no one else for me if we were together.

I really hope it is nothing Cote.

It seems to be planned for next week.

At least it won't be hanging over your head for months. And you'll know what your man is made of. I ahve trust issues with dh and would definately want to know for sure rather than taking his word for it. Good luck, and please know if you need to chat I'm here.

counting - That is sound advice. Thanks.

Cote - Just to look at it from another perspective... I might quite easily have lunch or dinner with an ex and not tell DP, because I wouldn't want the hassle of talking about something to DP that's in one of my past lives, of which he knows nothing. And he wouldn't necessarily tell me if he had lunch or dinner with an ex, for the same reason. Nothing whatsoever to do with cheating, because neither of us would! I really don't think it is necessarily very serious.