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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It seems DH is plotting to secretly meet an old GF while on a business trip. WWYD?

581 replies

CoteDAzur · 08/06/2010 14:14

He hasn't breathed a word about this to me and it sounds like a rather romantic date.

WWYD?

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Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/06/2010 17:26

I was wondering where WheWillIFeelNormal is - she gives excellent advice - as do many of you

Theantsgomarching · 09/06/2010 17:51

Fab I would rather leave dh than know I was with him because I had twarted his plans to cheat

purpleduck · 09/06/2010 17:56

Thanks cote and Grace for your kind words.

CoteDAzur · 09/06/2010 18:32

Just got word from his secretary that there are no trips planned for next week, and none in the foreseable future Now wondering if I'm imagining things.

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CoteDAzur · 09/06/2010 18:33

I agree, theants.

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posieparker · 09/06/2010 18:37

eh?

IsGraceAvailable · 09/06/2010 18:39

Perhaps he saw the light before sleepwalking into a disaster. Hope so!

I really admire your collectedness (if that's a word). Next time I have a crisis, I want you on my side!!

annh · 09/06/2010 18:40

So do you think that you were mistaken about the trip/meeting or do you think he is planning to travel to meet this woman and pretend that it is a business trip?

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 09/06/2010 18:46

I was thinking the latter annh.

IndigoSky · 09/06/2010 18:50

I agree with Fab. If he tells you he's going on a trip then you know his sole purpose is to meet up with his ex. Ugh.

shockers · 09/06/2010 19:02

Cote, yes he did. He was sitting on the bed and he was shaking. He asked me if I had anything I'd like to tell him about. I said, "I think you already know, don't you?" He told me that he had been following our emails for a few weeks, but the new email account was the final straw and he was thinking of leaving.

It's a conversation I will never forget because at that moment I realised what I had risked for a bit of excitement and flattery. That's why I said in an earlier post that I would just ask him if I were you.

CoteDAzur · 09/06/2010 19:58

shockers - I used that very line to ex-P, knowing that he had just taken a good friend of mine on a weekend break when I was away for two weeks. He said "nothing to say" a few times, then when I insisted, came up with "Last night there was a match between Monaco and Paris St Germain and the result was 1-1. Is that wahat you want me to tell you?" I ripped him a new one after that and he became ex within minutes.

Just to say that some people will deny, deny, deny.

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CoteDAzur · 09/06/2010 20:08

Bonsoir - She lives on the other side of the world, recently divorced with three kids, and apparently broke. It is not just two exes who run into each other on the street and having a coffee. Having thought about this a bit, I believe the only way she would be in that city is if he paid for her plane ticket.

I saw a previous message from her about a month ago, where she asks "So what is going on? Or do you have cold feet?" which I now think was referring to their plans to meet up.

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FionaSH · 09/06/2010 20:22

cote just read the whole of thisd thread - I feel for you, but you seem to be extremely rational and sensible. Far more than I would be.

My first thought was, don't get carried away before you know what's really going on - but you don't seem to be, well done! A better woman than me!

Then I asked my husband what he thought of the situation, and he thought it could be innocent...if she lived in the town his business trip was in. But if she's on the other side of the world?!

Your last post. "do you have cold feet?" and his secretary says there's no business trip planned... he couldn't be planning something more sinister than just a meet up? Sorry I don't want to put this, I feel like such a b*tch even suggesting it, but that's such weird phraseology from the OW, don't you think?

FionaSH · 09/06/2010 20:24

I'm sure it's not, and I hope it's all innocent - and like I said you're being all rational which is exactly the right thing, and I have a DREADFUL imagination.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 09/06/2010 20:26

Similar to when my ex said he would meet me if I had the bottle.

CoteDAzur · 09/06/2010 20:42

No business trip planned yet, but he could arrange some meetings and come up with a trip a day or two before the date. It wouldn't be the first time.

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CoteDAzur · 09/06/2010 20:42

No business trip planned yet, but he could arrange some meetings and come up with a trip a day or two before the date. It wouldn't be the first time.

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ComedyOfErrors · 09/06/2010 20:43

Cote I have been following this thread with interest as, sadly, this scenario is all too familiar for many of us. Not that this helps you of course.

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I am impressed with how calm and detached you appear to be in handling it.

I can't resist sticking my oar in - from what you have said this proposed meeting, while clandestine, may not necessarily end in a shag. But you need to know one way or another and for that you need cast iron proof. I understand why some have counselled against the PI route, but without it you would never know for sure. Are you still considering it? I think it's what I would do in your situation.

Will be interesting to see how and when he announces any intention to go away next week. I guess that in itself will give you an indicator.

Cote I'm thinking of you and really do hope this is a false alarm x

CoteDAzur · 09/06/2010 20:43

Fiona - What is "more sinister Han a meet-up"?

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CoteDAzur · 09/06/2010 20:45

sinister THAN

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 09/06/2010 20:54

Cote, I must urge you in the strongest terms possible to stop this in its tracks.

I understand very well your belief that stopping this RDV does not address the underlying problem; that he would have been unfaithful unless thwarted, but confronting this situation now does not mean the situation is concluded - far from it.

Your H sounds like the acrchetypal "rescuer" - just as Counting says. He likes to be needed, but of course that also includes succeptibility to flattery, adoration and since she's an ex - lots of reminiscences about a time when he was younger and probably more beautiful.

Unfortunately, men who respond to damsels in distress like this, tend to be the sort who become emotionally involved and cannot separate sex from emotions. Therefore, what might have started out as a bit of an escapist adventure becomes horribly messy and confusing once sex is involved.

There is enough here in the open domain for you to have every right to confront and express your displeasure. As he would, if you were asking to send an ex money and he'd seen messages from that ex about a secret meeting and messages about you getting cold feet.

If I had to guess on this one, I'd say she has been asking to meet for a while now - and he has been half-heartedly refusing her. He probably wants to be wooed and chased, but there's also possibly a large part of him that wants her to take responsibility for his infidelity. It has probably got to the point where he's now telling himself that he's not as much to blame, because she chased him and he resisted for a long time. Now, he's probably going through a series of "why nots?" to justify meeting her next week.

When a man like this is unfaithful for the first time, he feels like something has been lost that can never be replaced. It is a horrible feeling, even if it is entirely self-inflicted. To make him feel better about himself, he usually gets briefly more involved emotionally with the OW, if only because he needs someone to tell him that he is not too awful after all - and the deepening feelings serve to mask the guilt he feels.

Now, you're not daft enough to believe that a secret meeting during a non-existent business trip could ever be innocent; no secret correspondence is ever innocent, after all.

And if you stop this happening now, don't for a minute accept any nonsense about how he was never actually going to go through with it, because that would be a lie. What you will have to do though is get to the bottom of why this has happened - and what it is about him and his personality that likes to be wooed, chased and to keep secrets from you.

If you do stop this before it happens, there is a long road ahead to unravel this behaviour, the aim of which will of course be to affair-proof your marriage so that you are both utterly committed to fidelity. The mistake many couples make after an adultery attempt is foiled is to think that this is the end story. It never is - if no work is done by the thwarted adulterer, it will just happen again when another opportunity presents.

But I can tell you that your personal recovery, not to say your marriage's survival, will be much riskier if you let this happen, all so that you can have incontrovertible proof.

If your H is a fundamentally decent man, he will thank his lucky stars that you intervened when you did. Not immediately perhaps, but eventually, absolutely.

FionaSH · 09/06/2010 20:57

Well obv I don't know what was in the messages on FB, but was it def a first meet-up?
For her to ask "what's going on" implies to me, more than just whether they're arranging a coffee? ie. has something already been going on? More sinister would be if he was actually packing bags.

But I'm taking it that you know this would definitely be a first meet up for them since they broke up? In which case OW's phraseology is just weird, and nothing more.

CoteDAzur · 09/06/2010 21:04

Neither are native speakers of English, Fiona. I wouldn't read that much into it.

Whatever happens between us, he would never leave DC.

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CoteDAzur · 09/06/2010 21:05

WhenwillIfeelinormsl - So what do you recommend that I do?

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