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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It seems DH is plotting to secretly meet an old GF while on a business trip. WWYD?

581 replies

CoteDAzur · 08/06/2010 14:14

He hasn't breathed a word about this to me and it sounds like a rather romantic date.

WWYD?

OP posts:
IsGraceAvailable · 08/06/2010 23:50

Oh, purpleduck, how sad. I can only imagine how you felt when he 'reassured' you that way! The past year must have been hell. Hope you're all OK now.

Jamiki · 09/06/2010 04:38

To all those pooh-poohing the PI idea,
I think the main reason is to get something solid from which a yes or no decision can be made.

By confronting him without evidence and giving him the chance to cover tracks and plan more secretively the OP may just be dragging the whole painful issue out for months or more til she does get something solid.

Men can be very convincing liars and yes we want to believe them which benefits them again.

Or it's innocent, but it doesn't feel that way IYSWIM.

So sorry for you. Although you sound strong and solid yourself, I reckon catch him out then let him go and find someone true.

Alternatively if he is innocent, bollock him for being stupid and chalkit up to experience.

Either way, Good Luck.

posieparker · 09/06/2010 07:48

I seriously considered a PI with my DH, but my mouth ran away with me and I told him about my suspicions, now I'll never know. Can't really kick hte father of your 4 dcs on the strength of a gut feeling can you?

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 09/06/2010 08:12

|I would have said no in the past but now, I would say yes.

LoveMyGirls · 09/06/2010 08:25

I would get someone to look after dc's (if you can afford a PI, you could afford a babysitter as a one off?)

Then I would find out which hotel he is staying at, I would then wait in his room, this does have the disadvantage of not knowing what went on before they got to the room or if they go to her room and not his and also lots and lots of patience (which I don't have)

Good Luck!

expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 08:32

'Then I would find out which hotel he is staying at, I would then wait in his room,'

How exactly is she going to do that?

A hotel isn't going to just hand out extra keys willy-nilly.

If you're not going to confront him and let him know he's rumbled because only an utter pillock would be stupid enough to plan an affair on FB, then hire a PI now.

And yeah, let him know you are meeting the ex bf for coffee if it's true. If it's not, then call him for a chat and make it true.

MrsFawlty · 09/06/2010 08:35

I'm really sorry Cote, I hope this works out the way you want it to.

LoveMyGirls · 09/06/2010 08:44

If she goes to the reception and says her husband has booked a room and she's had to meet him there because she was running late and she's got there to find he's gone for a drink and could she please have a kay so she can get changed and go and meet him they might?

expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 09:00

My husband works in a hotel. Even if she told them, there's no way they'd hand her over a key.

Think about the last time you rang a hotel to speak to someone: when you ask for them by name, they don't even tell you the room number.

In fact, when you stay in a hotel and ring someone and give them the room number and tell them to ring you back. When that person rings switchboard and asks for that room, the operator asks what the name of the person staying there is before tranferring.

My husband works in a hotel.

There is no way staff would hand over a key to someone with a story like that. It's a recipe for their guest being robbed or worse and their being responsible.

They'd ask the person to wait in the reception area/lobby for the guest and/or try to ring them on a mobile no. if they've left one in event of an emergency.

FoghornLeghorn · 09/06/2010 09:10

FWIW Cote, I think you are dealing with this in exactly the right way.

I personally, wouldn't want to try and stop any liason between my DH and any woman, because if he has the potential to do something he shouldn't then I would rather know and deal with the aftermath than confront and wonder what might have happened.

Good luck with whatever you do

expatinscotland · 09/06/2010 09:14

I hope it works out for you, too, Cote.

I really just don't get people who would plan something like this when they have a family.

It just blows my mind.

noddyholder · 09/06/2010 09:26

I really wouldn't bother doing the Do you mind scenario!If you tell/ask him re a meeting with an ex and he says Go ahead he will see it as carte blanche to have his liaison too.Following him and PIs will give you facts but in reality the person you share your life with should be approachable on this!The fact that he is secretly planning this is the problem not the whos and wheres.I would just sit him down and say you know,are rather bewildered and angry after the money incident and didn't think you did secrets and see his response. Although being sneaky i would prob wait a few days until he reveals he is actually going on a trip and see how he describes it.He may well mention her and then you can say your bit OR if he is furtive you will know he is deliberately decieving you.Either way agree with Custy think of your own situation.This sort of thing would be the end for me and dp but i am a stickler for 100% truth and honesty Good luck xx

shockers · 09/06/2010 09:55

Cote, I'm going to tell you about a similar situation that happened to me about two years ago.

I had an ex boyfriend who got in touch with me via Friends Reunited. He was someone who had meant a lot to me but it hadn't worked out because his job had taken him to Hong Kong for two years. I wouldn't go with him because it would have meant taking DS1 away from his Dad.

Anyway, here was someone who remembered me as young and sexy... I was flattered. I felt that our emails were innocent but I did have a spring in my step and butterflies in my stomach, so in reality they weren't.

The emails got more intense on his side and I started to get a bit uncomfortable but didn't want to stop because of the way he made me feel. I told him that they were not the sort of thing that I would want my family coming across. Without any instuction from me, he set up another email account for me and sent the details via email.

At this point, I knew things were getting out of control. I had wanted to meet him, not really sure why, I didn't want sex or anything... maybe it was just because I had such fond memories.

I decided to tell DH. I was too late... he had been following the whole thing and the new email account was the last straw. The look of total hurt and bewilderment on his face is something I will never forget.

I am so glad that he told me. I might have gone on to make a really big mistake, whilst all the time convincing myself that it was harmless.

It took a good six months before I felt that he had forgiven me but I know that he occasionally checks my emails from time to time. I'm happy for him to do that, I just want to regain his full trust.

I tell you this because it sounds as though your DH has got himself into a similar situation. He may thank you for confronting him and stopping him from making an horrendous mistake.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Tortington · 09/06/2010 10:34

did you have a chat? howdiditgo?

Jenbot · 09/06/2010 10:39

What would I do? I'd wait til he was halfway there and send him a text saying "enjoy your date with X tonight, the locks will be changed when you come back". But I know that isn't a very mature way to deal with it at all!

It's so horrible a situation to be in. Good luck. x

williewalshsballs · 09/06/2010 11:07

I really wouldn't confront him until you're more sure about what he's going to do. 9/10 will deny deny deny if you don't have proof and then you'll be left wondering. Whatever the outcome, it's best not to act until you're armed with facts. I know how hard that will be.
Hope you're ok.

CoteDAzur · 09/06/2010 11:08

Well, we had a bottle of wine on the balcony last night, looking over the glittering boats on the sea, hugging and holding hands, planning our holidays and talking about the future with our kids, laughed, made love. It truly doesn't feel like he is flirting with another woman, but we will see if this trip comes up next week, I suppose.

I didn't mention anything.

OP posts:
williewalshsballs · 09/06/2010 11:08

that is 9/10 men

CoteDAzur · 09/06/2010 11:10

I always know which hotel he stays at on business trips but I couldn't possibly leave DC with a stranger for a weekend and go there.

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noddyholder · 09/06/2010 11:40

Men can do this sort of thing though.My closest friend had an amazing relationship with her then dh and all the time he was meeting someone from work on trips like this.Like jenbots idea!

Cartoose · 09/06/2010 12:00

Hi Cote. Haven't read all posts so sorry if I'm repeating anyone else's suggestions.

Do you know the dates of this pre-planned trip? If so, I'd chat to him tonight and just suggest you go out one night during those dates, or even better, say you've both been invited out somewhere during that time. See his reaction. If he says, "oh, I forgot to mention I have a business trip in x place then". You can then say "maybe I could come with you, it might be a nice break" or something. Once again, check his reaction. He may say "ok, come with me" which would mean all is fine. Or he may say "oh um err oh, you wouldn't like it, you would find it boring blah blah" You'll probably know either way.

Sorry it that's a bit long winded. Hope it makes sense.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/06/2010 12:10

Cote - I am amazed at your self-control, in not mentioning anything to him. iIcan't really comment on what the "right' thing to do is, but MN has taught me that some men can be amazingly able to compartmentalise their lives.

So sorry you are going through this.

CoteDAzur · 09/06/2010 13:22

Thank you for all your messages of support and sympathy. And sorry that I haven't been replying to all comments.

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CoteDAzur · 09/06/2010 13:26

Lovemygirls & expat - I wouldn't go wait in his hotel room even if I could get the key. Much rather show up earlier and go out to dinner with him myself, leaving wannabe-OH alone and feeling sorry for herself. I can't, though so the discussion is hypothetical.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 09/06/2010 13:27

OW, not OH.

OP posts: