It seems DH is plotting to secretly meet an old GF while on a business trip. WWYD?

[CoteDAzur]

He hasn't breathed a word about this to me and it sounds like a rather romantic date.

WWYD?

I'm not going to bring it up. Just intend to skirt around the issue a bit, like "Would you ever cheat on me?" or "Do you mind if I meet ex-BF for a coffee? He called today and said he needs to talk to me.

I would come straight out and ask him. Watch his reaction, and if he tries to worm his way out of it ask some of the questions people have posted on here. If he still goes then maybe get someone to follow him. I just think going for the private detective first is doing things in the wrong order

If you're going to play it that way, Cote, fgs, don't do 'Do you mind . . .'

Instead, announce that you've already been for coffee with X.

Of course he will try to squirm his way out. That is what people do.

Which is why premature confrontation will be fruitless. I think.

I disagree, expat. Then I would be in the wrong for doing things secretly and he will feel justified in doing the same.

I disagree, expat. Then I would be in the wrong for doing things secretly and he will feel justified in doing the same.

You know him best, Cote.

But hiring a PI is secretive as well, it can be argued.

Won't those questions be a bit out of the blue though and give him the idea you know what he is up too?

True. Maybe just one of the questions, then.

Sure it can't be innocent?

Oh and re meeting exes - my DH is the man who regularly goes mental about the thought that I might call or meet the one ex-BF of mine in this little town that we live in

I've been reading this post and really feel for you Cote. Can you make a fake person on fb and somehow befriend the OW and ask where she will be/what she is doing on the date of the "meet"? Not sure how you could actually do that in reality but thought I would put my tuppence in anyway!!

BTW I know a good PI in the London area if that is any good to you.

Of course it can be innocent. Which is why I need to know for sure.

Thanks icecold, I will keep that in mind for future reference

Could you use your ex? ie, I went for a coffee with X today, we had a lovely chat, you don't mind do you?

Willie - That is a good analysis of the situation.

I would rather our family stays as it is, but I will not necessarily insist on it if he lies and cheats.

Cote, I don't think you should bring this up tonight. If you are sure about the PI (or even possibly going yourself) then don't arouse suspicion. I certainly don't think you should mention your exes as this gives him justification for going himself

If you don't want to split, don't hire PI. Don't let him meet her.

If you cannot live with the uncertainty and really need to know either way, then hire the PI.

You sound strong and sensible, don' start playing games. If you need to know what he would have done, then don't warn him in advance. It sounds like financially you're not too vulnerable. Wouldn't be premature to start seriously considering a solicitor.

I just want to stress that if you want him to stay, even if he cheats and then you confront him and he says sorry and promises not to do it again blablabla...don't let him go! Knowing he has cheated is far worse than being uncertain, if you wish to remain with him.

Are you sure his previous trips/ nights away have been business trips?

cote

you say he called and said he needs to talk to you?

i would let him and see what he wants to talk about first.

i would never ever hire a PI. im amazed at the amount of women saying do it tbh - if you have to hire someone to follow your husband in secret then youve got problems already.

i cant stand game playing and never have been able to - id be laying my cards on the table now and asking him to do the same. whats wrong with some honest talking.

and remember it's a matter of opportunity and inclination

Cote, sorry I keep repeating myself

but really

if you want him, you have to confront him and have to stop him seeing the ex

if you want to get rid of him then hire the PI to get enough evidence to get rid of him, and enough to protect your interests in a divorce.

Either you want him or you don't. Either way it's not great, he won't be messaging her on FB if it's entirely innocent and nor would he send her money. The chances of you hiring a PI to find it's a non event are next to none I'm afraid, otherwise he'd meet her for coffee in a tesco cafe!

(I mean messaging her on FB in this manner and continuing this coversation, arranging to meet in a romantic locale, I'm not suggestion anyone who messages anyone on FB wants to be in their pants)

Cote- Sorry not read the whole thread but is there an option that big surprise....you are now able to join him on his business trip? And you're quite happy to fit in with his plans but fancied a bit of a break together etc. With / without kids.

I thought it may be innocent until I understood he hadn't even told you about the trip yet. There are too many 'slips of the mind' for it to be accidental. This, in itself, strikes me as a serious issue. Therefore I'd lay it all on the table and demand answers.

I realise you're probably talking with him now, Cote, so the above was fairly pointless from your perspective. I get so horribly frustrated by floods of respondents advocating game-playing, cloak-and-dagger tactics! Happens on every 'suspicion' thread

Don't know if this would help you - but here is what happened to me:

About a year and a half ago, my DH's FB page was open. I have no idea why, but I clicked on his inbox, and saw that a few months earlier her had made arrangements to go to drinks with a 19 year old that he met at a festival.

He was going to meet her in manchester (he was there on business) - he hates driving in cities where he has to find places. His family lives up there and he could have spent the evening with various relatives who he loves and gets along with. This happened at a time when I thought we were solid as a rock. I had fallen in love with him again. He told me that he was going out with a male co-worker. He DIDN't end up going as work got very busy and prevented him from going.

SO, when I found out, I tried to play mind games about it - I woke up the day after I saw the email (I was very detached about it after I saw it as well) and I was very upset. I said " I had a dream that you made plans to go out for drinks with some 19 year old"
He looked me in the eye with warmth and love and said "why would I ever do that when I have you?" Then he laughed and put his arms around me.
If I hadn't SEEN the proof, I never would have doubted him.

Get proof.

By the way - I NEVER in a million years would have thought that he would have done this to me. Never.

He moved out a few months ago - after a year of me doing everything I could to fix things. I wanted to be able to look at my kids and know that I had done everything I could to save our marriage.

Good luck darlin