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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It seems DH is plotting to secretly meet an old GF while on a business trip. WWYD?

581 replies

CoteDAzur · 08/06/2010 14:14

He hasn't breathed a word about this to me and it sounds like a rather romantic date.

WWYD?

OP posts:
MrsMiamla · 12/06/2010 18:25

i agree with what secunda said.

i really hope you get the honesty from him that you deserve

bratnav · 12/06/2010 19:41

I hope it goes as well as that conversation could do x

LittleMissHissyFit · 12/06/2010 21:13

Thinking of you Cote.

CoteDAzur · 12/06/2010 22:00

It went as well as it possibly could, I guess.

He hasn't met her before, he would meet her this time before she is there with her parents and her kids, staying for a couple of months in Europe while her divorce goes through. He likes her parents, they are nice people blah blah. He didn't tell me because he thought I would make a big deal out of it while it's nothing. He will never speak to her on the phone and he will definitely never meet her if (!) it upsets me so. He understands why it was wrong to plan to meet her behind my back but honestly there was no bad intention there. He loves me and our little family and there is no way he would risk losing us.

OP posts:
secunda · 12/06/2010 22:02

Well done.

I thought that's what he would say. Whether you believe him is up to you, I guess. Did he seem truthful?

Even if there was a dodgy intention, hopefully that will have warned him off it.

Mumfun · 12/06/2010 22:03

Hope it goes as well as it can - power of MN is behind you!

Bonsoir · 12/06/2010 22:08

Sounds OK . She is in Europe anyway, staying with her family.

I hope that you can get on with your life now and put your worries behind you. And really, meeting exes isn't a big deal! I do it and I am sure my DP does it and we don't feel any need to share!

IsGraceAvailable · 12/06/2010 22:10

Have you, then, asked him not to meet her?

Do you have any friends in that city?
Just wondering if you now need to follow this through, or have reachd a point of resolution in your own mind ...

CoteDAzur · 12/06/2010 22:14

Yes, it sounded ok. Slightly devious because he didn't tell me about it, and absurd because for a while there he tried to make me believe that it was a coincidence that a business trip came up on the date they agreed on a month ago, but it seems that at least his intentions were not bad. What would have happened after a couple of drinks, we will never know, because he is not going now.

OP posts:
williewalshsballs · 12/06/2010 22:15

how do you feel? Only you can really know whether to believe him or not. Do you feel it's resolved? I'm glad you spoke and hope that's the end of it.

williewalshsballs · 12/06/2010 22:15

xpost. so he's not going on business trip?

CoteDAzur · 12/06/2010 22:16

Bonsoir - I don't think meeting exes is a big deal, but I know that he does, which is why I was skeptical about his intentions here. Especially he didn't tell me about it.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 12/06/2010 22:20

No, he is not going.

OP posts:
williewalshsballs · 12/06/2010 22:33

only you really know what to think I guess. I would have been annoyed with the secrecy more than the meeting of ex and also as the fact that trip was cancelled indicates that it was a trip specifically to meet her and that the work angle was a cover.

I've had a similarish situation with DH and told him I'll kick his ass if he lies/hides things from me I'd personally rather know the truth even if I don't like it. It's very disappointing (and for me a huge shock) when a partner shakes your trust in them.

IsGraceAvailable · 12/06/2010 22:36

Good

It's weird about the 'big deal' thing, isn't it? People often attribute their own values to others. Which could go round in a ridiculously large circle, if you let it ...

When I've met up with exes, who have not told their wives, I obviously wonder if they expected more than a long chat. They, invariably, say their wife is over-sensitive about such things. This always makes me feel uncomfortable. I'll never know the real story - and maybe you'll never know the whole story here. You do know she didn't travel just for the rendezvous, he's not going to meet her - and he's romancing you

Hope you can enjoy it, now. Take care.

Cake · 12/06/2010 22:36

I've been following whole thread.

Well done for talking.

Have to say though, that this still sounds a bit suss to me.

He planned this trip over a month ago, is allegedly going for business and yet he still didn't tell you about the trip AT ALL, never mind the meet up.

He is now not going. So how urgent was the business need that he can cancel last minute?

He tried to fudge when you confronted him, rather than being completely up front.

So her parents and children are there too, but that doesn't mean they were coming to meet your DH too.

Hmm.

Conundrumish · 12/06/2010 22:43

Well done for talking.

And the cold feet comment?

(does he know you peeked?)

ilovemydogandMrObama · 12/06/2010 22:46

Think he admitted that it wasn't for business. My understanding anyway.

piratecat · 12/06/2010 22:51

he was going to go for it, then he thought better of it, after being sussed?

His ego was loving the attention, then bang, she couldn't make it. or she cancelled on him?

he truly had a guilty conscience moment?

how will you ever know, it's all dodgy.

Cake · 12/06/2010 23:08

So he admitted (possibly) that there was no business component to this trip

Yet OP thinks it is all innocently intended

Even if he wasn't planning a shag, I don't think it's innocent to plan an overseas meet up with an ex - one thing to meet up after work in nearest big town one night, quite another to book a plane ticket

He then keeps it from his family that he'll be away in a month's time

He instead lets his secretary inform his wife he's going abroad, even though he's known for a month. Nice.

He was planning to meet up with his ex in a restaurant - no mention of her family in the messages the OP saw, so presumably it was just a table for 2 booked

What was he going to tell OP the day after he met up with his ex? Oh just had a quiet night last night, lonely dinner for one in hotel restaurant then solo drink and bed.

A very big Hmm.

skidoodly · 12/06/2010 23:37

Anyone who justifies their lies using the reaction they imagine you'd have, is someone for whom lying comes as easily as breathing.

Denying you the chance to have a reaction to something he would react badly to is incredibly shit.

Now he's not going to meet her, but only because you're unhappy about it. Not because it's completely inappropriate and disloyal for him to be having secret meetings in foreign cities with an ex who has been trying to cadge money out of him, and with whom he has been having a clandestine relationship for at least a month.

It could have gone a lot better than it did. There is a long way to go to get back from this to a trusting and happy relationship.

ComedyOfErrors · 12/06/2010 23:41

Cote, well done for talking. And a big hug for making it through this week without falling apart or exploding, like I would have done..

I don't buy his story tbh. I think the truth behind what he / they were planning was probably much more .

You'll prob never know. However, the trade off is that having flagged it up and seen off the threat, you've alerted him to the fact that you won't tolerate having your trust abused again.

You've had some brilliant advice here too, though not so much from me

Anyway well done and take care

williewalshsballs · 12/06/2010 23:42

yes cake. It's also bothering me that he seems to be brushing this away as a small secret that he kept because he didn't want to upset wife.

If he did have business and planned to meet her while he was there, then not such a big deal. It just seems odd (and not at all innocent. although she is in Europe with her family, he's had to plan a trip abroad to make this meeting happen) that he would make this plan to travel specifically to meet her and then keep the secret for a month.

blueshoes · 13/06/2010 00:13

Cote, let's hope you and dh can draw a line in the sand after this. You have made your stance clear.

I somehow suspect you will be keeping an eye on him for a while longer.

Did you tell him how you knew about it? Any plausible reason for wiping the history on his phone?

IsGraceAvailable · 13/06/2010 00:21

No, look, he didn't have business when he arranged the trip. Cote even checked with his secretary. At that point, NOBODY knew about the trip except Mr Cote and Ms Needy. Cote found out about it by snooping.

Cote sat on her knowledge of this secret, until the secretary rang her - as is usual with his short-notice trips - to tell her he was going. Therefore, he only told his office about it several days AFTER he'd booked his flight in secret. He then fixed it with the office, who rang Cote.

As far as he was concerned, he'd arranged the meeting in secret. The he lied to his office. The lie to his office ensured the office would lie to Cote.

If she hadn't found it by snooping, she'd still be none the wiser.

But. When his secretary rings Cote, s/he ususally gives Cote both the flight details and the hotel details. This time, she only gave the flight. What this implies is that Mr. Cote told the secretary which flight he was on (presumably to claim it back & cover his absence) instead of asking his office to arrange transport & accommodation.

One of Cote's worries was that Mr. Cote may have paid Ms. Needy's flight. This turns out not to be the case (probably), as she's headed to a family reunion anyway.

But THERE IS NO BUSINESS TRIP, though I should imagine he's frantically trying to arrange one in that city - he'll have to explain his absence, and travel expenses, to somebody at some point. When he gets a client to cover him, he's free of retrospective queries from work.

If I were Cote, I'd be fixing up to meet his secretary for a Weirdly Intense Chat. But I reckon Cote's on it, in whichever way works for her.

Grace Poirot, over and out.