It seems DH is plotting to secretly meet an old GF while on a business trip. WWYD?

[CoteDAzur]

He hasn't breathed a word about this to me and it sounds like a rather romantic date.

WWYD?

let us know how you get on Cote

I think to not ask two bloody days ago is odd

He wasn't going "two bloody days ago" and we haven't been alone since I found out his travel plans.

Anyway, I will talk when I feel like it, if that's ok with you.

Agree with PixieOnaLeaf. I think there would have been little to be gained from playing your hand too early in this situation, for fear of driving the potential adulterers underground. I feel that Cote has handled this situation admirably.

Alaska - I suspect that it's impossible to truly imagine how you'd act in a situation such as this until you're facing the reality of it. Cote must do what feels right to her in her situation...

Well it's good Cote is going to talk to him - because a while ago she wasn't and was thinking of just letting it play out, and then taking action after that. I'd argue that wasn't so sensible....

I think it's that which Alaska is referring to isn't it?

It's not a good situation - but part of facing up to this situation is accepting that people mess up, that the marriage and nobody in it is perfect, and that communicating honestly is the way forward. I hope he does this too. I think he might, I think he might even feel a bit relieved that the bubble has been popped tbh

People process things in different ways - some go for action immediately, and others reflect for longer

I don't understand why you don't just ask what he's bloody playing at arranging to meet another woman in secret!Why all this cloak and dagger PI stuff he is your husband just ask him.It doesn't really matter whether you stop him it was the planning it that was wrong You may stop this incident but if he is untrustworthy he will do it again.You say there is no going back but the damage is done you will be watching him like a hawk now which I know from bitter experience is exhausting

Cote, I would just like to say how much I admire your poise and decorum x

cote, I admire the way you've handled this - your self control and thinking through things. I know I would have been in there all guns blazing. don't let alaska's comments upset you in your already vulnerable state.

You'll be fine tonight.

Hope all goes well cote, awful situation. I know how you're feeling, and it's not nice.

Feel for you, good luck.

i think you're handling this exactly right, cote. good luck for tonight.

Poise and decorum aren't good here though, sorry. I don't mean that as a criticism.

What is good is absolute horrible honesty, acceptance of what has been compromised and what to do about it. It's an ugly and important situation - and everyone needs to put down their pride and defenses.

Cote may need to revisit her idea for instance that if she tells a RL person 'there's no turning back from that.' There is! It's okay that a horrid thing happened, it's not shaming. these things happen in lots of marriages, it's a part of the story of your marriage, but it doesn't have to be the end of it. Especially if all goes well from now on.

It is still horrid though and I am sorry about it

Cote, you handle it the way you think best. You have acted very sensibly and calmly.

I would not want to be on the opposite side of you tonight. Your dh is a fool if he thinks he can get away with this, if he is planning anything foolish. It does not all have to be resolved tonight, though I hope for your sake it does in a satisfactory manner.

I reckon you will make a fine poker player.

OK. Wine in the fridge, DC in the bath, nearing "The Talk".

I don't feel "vulnerable", nor terribly upset. What will be will be and all that. No need to rise against Noddy/Alaska, by the way, although I appreciate the support. I don't need to be wrapped in cotton wool. DH is about to have an affair, if he hasn't started already. In comparison, knee-jerk comments from a faceless stranger don't even register on my radar for upsetting stuff.

It's not really "poise and decorum". This is just how I do conflict.

Cote - good luck. I hope you are okay.

"DH is about to have an affair, if he hasn't started already."

No! Not necessarily! I agree that it doesn't look good, but I honestly think it's possible that he is not meeting up this woman with the intention of starting an affair with her. I still think it could be innocent. Even if it isn't entirely, you can still avert it and make your marriage work if that's what you want. Please think positively. Best of luck.

Good luck, Cote.

I think you need to consider approaching this as if he is innocent. Just to keep things calm.

agree with secunda

good luck altho fear h will just deny/lie

Thinking of you. Good luck for tonight. I know how awful it feels.

During my various truth-extraction episodes with my dh, I have found that giving him reassurance that things will be OK if he tells the truth (even if that is not entirely true); and giving him the impression that you already know the full story anyway (even if you don't have incontrovertible evidence) has worked pretty well.

I think that if you back someone into a corner too much then they are more liable to lie or do something rash.

I also try to protect as many of my sources as i can (for future use).

I hope things go OK. There may still be an innocent explanation.

"During my various truth-extraction episodes with my dh, I have found that giving him reassurance that things will be OK if he tells the truth (even if that is not entirely true); and giving him the impression that you already know the full story anyway (even if you don't have incontrovertible evidence) has worked pretty well. "

Yes, good tactic. just like good cop

Good advice, Mrs Jellicle.

Good luck, cote. Have been silently lurking and feeling somewhat horrified on your behalf. You've been very dignified and calm so far. Hope the discussion tonight is not too upsetting.