It seems DH is plotting to secretly meet an old GF while on a business trip. WWYD?

[CoteDAzur]

He hasn't breathed a word about this to me and it sounds like a rather romantic date.

WWYD?

Thank you. I haven't talked to him yet. Just decidedto give him a chance to save himself and save the PI route for next time. If there is a next time. Because it will quickly lead to changed locks and divorce papers.

I think this is a good idea. There's no guarantee either way that you can get the trust back now but this is your best chance at saving the marriage. Really good luck; when do you plan to speak to him?

i think you're doing the right thing. breech of trsust is serious but imo easier to recover fro than if actual full blown emotional and physical affair ensues.

Obviously you can't control what he does. but perhaps he will have pause for thought and realise what he's at risk of losinng

good luck cote.

We were not on that boat trip he planned, by the way. That is for the night after he sees wannabe-OW. what a joke.

Cote, I have every faith you will make the right decision and how to go about it. I am in awe of your cool head - your dh better not be stupid.

When you say you spoke to dh, did you raise the possibility of the rest of the family coming along on the trip to him (albeit deciding it was not feasible in the end)? How did he react initially?

I didn't speak to him yet. I probably will tonight.

There is a romantic hotel we stay in when in that city. I will probably call today to find out if he has reserved there. I'm dreading it, though.

Dont speak to him, he will just say its innocent and you are being silly and all the usual bullshit that cheaters come out with

Get into his facebook account and read his replies and print them off then hire a PI to see what they get up to.

They have been planning this for months, if he had no intention of cheating then he would have told you about it.

He probably will be staying there.

None of this means he's actually, in his conscious mind, planning on sleeping with her. He's probably told himself, he's NOT going to, absolutely not, that's how he's squared it in his head and told himself it's permissible. (That doesn't mean he wouldn't of course.)

He feels guilty, so he booked the boat trip, guilty about the secret nature of meeting up, even though he's told himself it will all be quite innocent.

He's in the shadows, Cote.

I do think you're doing the right thing to talk about it. Turn all the lights on. Get rid of the shadows.

Cote - I have huge respect and admiration for you and the way you have kept your cool and not rushed into anything.

Take care.x

well said hundred.

I really wouldn't go the pi route unless you feel the relationship is over. And even then, think about how you'd use the info from pi.

but it doesn't sound like that's what you want - it would be good if you could get definitive confirmation that they'll be meeting and what they're planning to do.

has he told you about the trip yet? good luck with the talk.

Cote - I have huge respect and admiration for you and the way you have kept your cool and not rushed into anything.

Take care.x

sorry, missed some post - see what the hotel says, you may find out more.

also, I'm sure you've already thought of this but when you speak to him, give as little info as poss and see what he says about the trip. see if he omits things and if he outright lies about it. Ask him when trip was decided? who else will be there, etc and see if he lies

Hope you've printed out the evidence or savedd somewhere. any chance of getting into his phone?

I called the hotel. He doesn't have a reservation there. At least that.

Cote, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You do sound like you are coping admirably but I hope you can find someone in real life to support you too.

I can't tell anyone in RL. There will be no going back from that.

Good ideas, willie. I will do that.

From what I understand when she first contacted and told him that she was looking to borrow (be gifted?) money, you said no way and made it clear that you didn't want him involved?

Possibly this has given him a reason in his head to continue contact with her secretly? Worried about his ex and worried about upsetting you? He has had time to build up ideas of you being unreasonable/uncaring (not saying this is how it is but how he can turn it into a justification into his head for meet) which is dangerous to your relationship. Frankly, if he does end up having sex with her while she is vulnerable and confused and he has lent money, for me, that would be more of a reason to get rid than the sex as he would show himself to be a user.

Anyway, as the women who have been on the wrong side of affairs have told you - get this out into the open now. If you don't want to admit to snooping, why not bring her up in conversation anyway? Say you had been wondering how she was doing and maybe you were a bit hasty at first with your reaction? If you make her your problem as a couple rather than his problem, it removes the secrecy. I'd even think about befriending her - keep your friends close and your enemies closer etc..

Cote - do you not usually ask your DH which hotel he is at when he goes on business trips? Why don't you ask him?

i am sorry but whyt are oyu FANNYIng around
go and ask him
it sounds liek you WANT him to be guilty
why dont you coNFront HIM AND SHOW YOU care fgs!

your responses sound controlling and almost encouraging.
sheesh ILL meet the old flame soon

Bonsoir - His secretary sends me a mail before each business trip with his itinerary and hotel details (if overnight). This time there was no hotel which is highly unusual. I asked her and she said he hadn't decided on hotel yet, which made me think of that particular hotel.

I'm waiting for tonight, when kids will be in bed and we will be alone to have a proper uninterrupted talk. I wouldn't call this "fannying around"

Glad to hear you are going to talk to him ahead of the meeting, at least then you have a chance to intervene, I think you are doing the right thing, good luck