It seems DH is plotting to secretly meet an old GF while on a business trip. WWYD?

[CoteDAzur]

He hasn't breathed a word about this to me and it sounds like a rather romantic date.

WWYD?

I know, and the little bit of hope you had that it was all going to be ok just vanishes in a second. I really am so sorry. You have lots of support on here and wise words so hopefully everyone can help you through the next few days.

Read Whenwill's posts again, read her advice and challenge him - do not let him wriggle out of anything. You have your evidence etc, which is enough, how this is making you feel is enough.

I wish I had Whenwill's advice when my DH started his affair, I would not have fallen for all the lies, etc that came out of his mouth. You have a chance to turn this around, hopefully before he has crossed too many lines ......

Good luck.

How likely is it that he arranged a business trip but didn't tell his secretary?

How would you feel if he said he wanted to see this woman? Is it possible that it is all innocent but he feels you won't believe him so he feels he has to be sneaky?

On the other hand is the romantic boat trip something to assuage his guilt?

Don't think that he doesn't love you. ATM he is attracted to the feelings this woman is arousing in him - he probably doesn't understand it himself fully. My DH didn't either because his OW wasn't particularly attractive (either in body or spirit ), he couldn't understand why he fell for her.

At the moment, we are all jumping to conclusions.

Ask him and judge his reactions for yourself.

Oh no! Difficult because he hasn't actually done anything yet. Will you try and stop it?

Are you okay cote?

Has he told you about this business trip?

Will he? If he does, could you go a bit quiet, then say "I was hoping this wasn't going to happen...you left your FB account open the other day/it logged in as you automatically when I was going on and I saw that you and X were planning to meet up next week."

And watch his reaction.

If he asks why you didn't say anything before, you could say that as he hadn't got any trips there planned that you thought it was just a bit of fantasy and wasn't going to happen.

hope you're ok cote. I don't have specific advice except to say I think you have enough to go on to bring this up with him. mrs sf proposes a good way of approaching it.

Until you speak to him now, you can only guess at what's going through his mind. It doesn't sound good but it can still be salvaged.

A big unmn hug from me.

I have no real advice either but agree with MrsSF's approach. God it sounds like a really awful situation and I think you need to try and give him the opportunity to realise what a huge mistake this would be. Good luck.

I agree with others that you should act now and challenge him, to try to stop him going through with this and give him a chance to come to his senses. You don't need any more evidence. It will be worse all round if you stand back and watch him go through with it, in order to get absolute proof.

I am so sorry for you. Good luck.

Did you get into his FB account? I would try and then confront him with anything in there combined with his secretary's email.

I'm so sorry you're going through this Cote

Sorry to say I think a number of things he is doing point to a not so innocent explanation:

Getting his secretary to notify you of the trip so he avoids / minimises the chances of having to discuss it / the details of the trip with you;

Very short notice of the trip so you won't have time to think about it;

Taking you for a lovely evening out beforehand, minimising his guilt and increasing the chances that you will be in a positive mood when he goes away so will not ask any potentially difficult questions.

Not sure what to advise though, it may be that they just have dinner and chat about old times and although I know people have different feelings about what constitutes lying / infidelity, it may be that this goes no further. However, coupled with the deleted call history I'm not so sure. Rather than confront him straight away I think the earlier suggestion about suggesting dinner with a relative / friend that you've just heard will be in town that night and watching for his reaction would be good. Although if he then starts saying he has a business dinner you will be back to having to confront him from a position of weakness.

Hope you resolve things positively soon.

I think if you did challenge him, he might think twice about it. It might bring him to his senses.

Just deliver, watch reaction and stay quiet if you can. If he's guilty he will probably talk his way into a hole that's very difficult to get out of.

He will find it difficult to deny it - if he knows you've seen it, he will know that you might have saved it as evidence.

Cote. What do you think you'll do?

Although I can see that talking to h beforehand is the better way morally, I would always worry that I merely stopped it on this occasion and that it would make h more secretive in future. But I speak as someone whose h cheated in the past and I guess that makes me more suspicious than some.

But it isn't about what is morally correct. It's about whether there is a small possibility of rescuing this before it goes too far. I see what you are saying ladylush that it could just make him more secretive in the future. But confronted with the truth and the real possibility that the marriage could fall because of what he was planning, maybe, just maybe cote and her DH could go to counselling and find a way through this. It's not a given because restoring the trust after this is going to be really tough but surely worth a shot? After the event, it will be impossible to row back.

We are at at restaurant by the sea with friends and kids. Doing my best to keep the smile.

God can imagine your stomach is churning and your mind running overtime.
blame yes I know what you mean and I'm not saying I'm right. This is a decision only Cote can make and lord knows it sure ain't an easy one

God I wish Id spoken up for myself before things got out of control! Your his wife! His loyalty is to you! speak up for yourself to knock some sense into him before he ruins things forever!!

She is a stranger, your his wife, things will never be the same if he goes through with his, dont feel threatend, confront him, youve invested your love into this and hes going to throw it away, are you prepared for that?

Dont let him ruin what youve got for a quick grope!

I think MrsSchadenfreude talks sense. I think I'd try to stop it before it happens.

I still believe you're coping admirably, btw.

Cote, I am really sorry you have to endure what is now a farce of a boat trip. You are a steely woman, you will get through this.

I see the actual act of the affair as being quite irrelevant. Therefore, stopping it in its tracks before your dh goes on his trip does not achieve much, if I am thinking along the same lines as you.

You expect to be able to trust him NOT to do this. You will not be policing him or his fb account for the rest of your life. If a relationship comes to that, then query is it the right relationship?

Hence, you are more concerned with determining whether you can in fact Trust him (ie let him go on the trip under the watch of your PI, to flush out any lies), than with stopping any actual sexual infidelity. Not that the latter is not important, but more important is to determine how far the breakdown of trust is.

The uncertainty and doubt is far worse than having an answer, either way. I hope the answer will be the right one for you.

I decided to talk to him.

I was going to just book a long weekend with kids and hop on the plane with him but I realized we have a big event that weekend and I can't miss it. And even if we went, he would still be able to claim business and meet her.

Also I realized that if PI even shows me a photo of the two of them in a restaurant, there is no urning back (for me).

Cote, I have been following this and just want to say I think you've been acting with dignity and grace in the face of such horrible suspicions. Do you mean you have decided that you will talk to him, or that you already have?

You're obviously a clever enough lady to work out with some confidence whether you trust what he says on the matter. I wish you well.