me and alcohol have ruined my family

[jesuswhatnext]

title says it all really - i really cocked up last night, dh walked out, i cant remember what i said to him

today i have actually been in touch with AA but i think its all too late, my dd hates me, as does my parents, yes im feeling sorry for myself right now but i also know i have to change and stop drinking but dont know how.

what can i do to put things right? help me!

venus - it's great to have you back! Sounds like you had a fantastic time. Looking forward to hearing more tomorrow!

lovely to see you venus!

...struggling to think of things to do when you want a drink other than EAT!

Crappola!

...oh and think about how much apple juice looks like whiskey, but smells and tastes like...apple juice!

Was it MIFLAW (or another AA guru) who said that '...until you wake up on a park bench surrounded by kit kat wrappers (or whatever) with no idea what happened last night, where you are etc then eating is fine!' This was far more eloquently put when I heard it but you get the idea!

hmmmm....whatever you say!

and yeah, I'd say it's yummy but, well, the name says it all!

at kit kat analogy!

have fun! I LOVE carrot cake...

My top 3

DIY - We had just moved into a gorgeous house that needs complete renovation before things happened so I have lots to keep me buy. If I have a wobble I imagine the children playing in the garden and crack open a tin of paint! It's a nightmare not being able to use white spirit though, even the fumes of it cause the antabuse to make me react.

Baking/ Cooking - no idea why either

Preening- Sorting out my clothes/ underwear, doing a facemask, something pampering.

To those that asked, my family are wonderfully supportive. It came as a huge shock (clearly I hid it quite well) but they have had an inkling since my divorce. I see the children every day and all my parents want is for me to be well. I am very lucky and lord knows how I will repay them.

My exs family on the other hand are taking it very badly and are trying to convince him to go for full custody. He has been wonderful and knows this would be a terrible thing for all involved and he is supporting me as he can.

Fuck, I was so angry but I'm actually grateful to that lady who called the police. I was on a train wreck and whilst it has been tough it could have ended somewhere far worse. I keep thinking what if. I could never forgive myself if the children had been hurt whilst I was drunk (leaving aside the obvious emotional hurt but they are very young. I have so much time to replace the bad memories with good)I just can't get my head around how oblivious I was, do any of you feel the same?

MIFLAW I do attend a support group and it is wonderful. I'm trying not to think long term. For now the antabuse and campral (to help with cravings) is marvellous. Today I got the results of my second liver function test. A month ago the gamma gt was at 127, today it is 28. I'm lucky no lasting physical damage has been caused. My psychologist is marvellous, he is very very tough but we always end on a high. The first time we met he said he was going to come down on me with a load of shit filled bricks, hah. And that he does, but he builds me back up too.

Sorry if my posts are a little self centred at the moment. I've been reading and trying to get courage to post for a long time so have lots to share.

And it won't all be misery. I can tell you some hilarious things I have done in my career as an alcoholic.

chinkof you're amazing, and I'm so glad to hear that your family and ex are supportive, and that you're getting to see plenty of your children. Can't think of anything to write that doesn't sound trite i'm afraid.

Sitting at the kitchen table with my dd just now who's doing her homework. Chatting and chilling. All will be well. just wish I didn't want a drink...

Keep sharing chinkof - the good, the bad and the ugly! No need to apologise. We can only talk about the things that we have been through. I certainly have some awful stories and some hilarious ones!

I am so pleased that you are getting so much help from your support group. And it's great that your ex is not putting even more pressure on you re custody etc. And of course your parents just want you to be well. And great news on the gamma. Mine was 42 when I first stopped (not too bad but still 'unhealthy') and it's now 15. Didn't take long.

Well done for getting the courage up to post. To anyone else reading and doing the same - give it a go!

...but then i'd NEVER have thought this time last Thursday night that I could be even remotely sober tonight. It'll be fine.

algee - yes, you WILL be fine, you've done so well already.

algee

Just keep remembering to watch the film to the end. Imagine waking up tomorrow and how you will fel. Is it really worth it. Well done, stay strong.

I have to share something that just came to me. I hid a lot of drinking from my ex. One time we had guests , his friends, who I could just about tolerate but didn't really get on with. I spent a lot of time sneaking drinks. Had bottles of screw top wine at the bottom of the laundry bin in the bathroom!

Well I was in there, at the window swigging from the bottle (oh how classy) when the door opened, I jolted and without thinking threw the bottle out of the window. All smug I joined them downstairs thinking I hadn't been busted and plotting how to retrive the bottle from the garden, when I noticed our neighbours in their garden looking over very puzzled. I actually made it far worse by going round off my trolley later and laughing about how I was so clumsy and had just knocked it out. Because it's so normal to have a full bottle of wine on your bathroom windowsill haha

Loved that story chinkof! It's so the sort of thing I hear at meetings. I can't think of anything of the top of my head at the moment. It just shows the total madness of it all!

Oh gosh and then there was the time the washing machine started leaking. The repairman pulled it out to a lovely clinking noise as I realised there was a gin bottle, two empty wine bottles and half a full wine bottle stashed behind it. To make it worse I gravely told him my husband has a serious problem. No doubt I reeked of in at the time. sigh.

It's so ridiculous that I did that, I could so easily have taken them and put them in someone elses bin or at the bottom of ours, but I always hid them in silly places. Then had the stress the following day of where did I leave them, are they well hidden etc. I wonder if perhaps I was hoping to be found out (ponders)

Please tell me you were just as bad, and I'm not just the lone deranged soul on here.

Ah and there's the explanations to shop keepers, we had about 8 in walking distance and I would plan not to go to the same too often, make up a story about last minute guests, real booze hounds etc haha. As my psychologist said, people gossip, of course they knew the deal.

Oh god, then the time I was up at 3am and the only thing left to drink was an expensive bottle of red from the inlaws. I drank it, filled it up with water and recorked it then spent half the next day trying to find a replacement in various shops. I ouldn't and ended up filling it with something cheap and acting all dissapointed when we had it with dinner a few days later.

Gosh I can hardly believe it was me.

Defo not alone - was just as bad. Got to rush as off to AA meeting - will try to think of some stories to share when I get back! x

Sorry I do tend to ramble on.

And definitly overused the word gosh there.

Gosh

Chink

I was just as bad.

like I said earlier, definitely not knocking your approach, just pointing out some of the pros (and maybe debunking some of the mythical cons) of AA in case it ever seems attractive to you.

Also, you are aware that you are coming out with a lot of AA stuff, aren't you? Right down to expressions like "watch the film to the end." Perhaps your therapist is one of us - we get everywhere, you know!

MIFLAW I post on an antabuse support forum and a lot of the members there are/ once were AA members. I gues I've picked it up there.

I won't rule it out, but I'm quite happy (and busy!) for now.

The antabuse forum is a little odd to be fair, there are a lot of young, mainly male americans who have been forced onto antabuse as part of bail through DUI's. They seem to delight in sharing the stories about how to get around the pill, and what happens if you drink on it.

I know from my DD spraying perfume on my arm that I react very badly so there is no playing around for me. It's such a relief to know if i want to drink I have to wait four days for the drug to be out of my system, and given I am taking it supervised once a week at clinic and am breathalysed every time I go to therapy (3 times a week) there is no way I can drink.

It would be nice to have a fellow antabuser on here to talk to, is it something you ever considered?

I know I probably shouldn't, but love the bathroom window story! made me laugh! Lots of stories here, but maybe not just yet... no doubt they'll creep out of the woodwork over time.

btw 19.35 and I'm still sober...

Go algee! Just keep putting one (sober) foot in front of the other, tiny steps, one at a time, see its easy (hah!)

I m loving pomegranete juice at the moment, in a tall glass with lots of ice. I find I'm eating so much better too, anyone else?

I've just remebered another shameful story, on a trip to the park with a friend and her dC. I had vodka and coke in a pepsi bottle that I was drinking from all day (very stong). At one point my friend started coughing and reached for the bottle, I offered without thinking then pulled it away and put on quite an odd performance faffing in my bag for a carton of juice and fumbling with the straw before giving it to her. I mumbled something about cold sores. Blimey how did people not know, it makes me cringe to think.