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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

me and alcohol have ruined my family

999 replies

jesuswhatnext · 31/05/2010 12:32

title says it all really - i really cocked up last night, dh walked out, i cant remember what i said to him

today i have actually been in touch with AA but i think its all too late, my dd hates me, as does my parents, yes im feeling sorry for myself right now but i also know i have to change and stop drinking but dont know how.

what can i do to put things right? help me!

OP posts:
Original poster
jesuswhatnext · 12/07/2010 15:00

hi all, just a quick look in am at work right now, been to a great meeting, got loads from it!

giving up totally is the only option for me - i cannot just have one, dosent work that way , so, a day at a time it is

be back later after i have taken idiot cat to vets

OP posts:
MoominMags · 12/07/2010 15:08

Didn't like to speak for you JWN! Glad your meeting was good, am looking forward to my meeting tonight.

What's up with the cat? Hope he/ she not poorly. (Love cats!)

algee · 12/07/2010 15:14

Hey you lot...checking in too. Last two weeks of term at home on academic stuff, got quite a lot done this morning, had a battle at lunch time through boredom I think, but first major danger zone of the day (school pick up) looming.

Dh away again now, so I'm on my own tonight. Have my skills tests tomorrow so really mustn't fall off the wagon tonight of all nights... can't hep but feel that if I get a week done, it'll be easier, danger for me will be that I tell myself i've broken the cycle and it'll be ok to indulge in 'just one' (barrel!).

Still can't quite believe I'm here...loving the computer fairies!

Original poster
jesuswhatnext · 12/07/2010 15:17

algee - an hour at a time for you, my love!

OP posts:
Original poster
jesuswhatnext · 12/07/2010 15:19

moomin - cat is a fool , he keeps picking on the big cats and now is very tatty, sore ears, mouth, nose and lumps out of his neck - you would think he would learn, but then he is a male

OP posts:
MoominMags · 12/07/2010 15:19

Hey algee, would you consider trying to get to a lunchtime AA meeting at some point? Could well bolster you for the danger points later in the day?

You are doing great by the way!

MoominMags · 12/07/2010 15:21

Poor cat! Maybe he will learn one day?! (Nah, our cat never has and he's 14 now!)

rockermom · 12/07/2010 15:29

Chink, if you think you're at rock bottom, look up and see the light. There is hope. You just have to start the long climb back up to the top again AND, if you look back every now and then you'll see how far you've come. You just have to have faith in yourself.

The first few weeks are the worst but all you have to do is bide your time and keep yourself busy so you don't have the chance to drink. You CAN do it.

Well done Algee keep up the good work. I'm well pleased for you.

Moomin, you're doing a great. Keep going.

Wasindenial, I'm chuffed at how well you're doing.

WasindieNial · 12/07/2010 16:22

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChinkOfLight · 12/07/2010 16:29

Thanks guys. Day 30. I'm finding it hardest dealing with the emotions, I have been avoiding my feelings for a very long time.

What some of you said about drinking on trains made me laugh (if I didn't laugh I'd cry) I'd have been right there with ya!

It was on a train that it all came to a head for me actually. I was travelling with my two DC (preschoolers) to visit family. Had had lunch with friends beforehand and did the usual of ordering a bottle as it's cheap at lunch time...one led to another...foolish with hindsight but I thought i was more than responsible when drunk. Bought a picnic from m&s in the station where they conveniently sell g&t in dinky cans, picked up 4 as they were on offer. We were actually fine on the train the DC were playing beautifully as I slowly got more sloshed (the shame) until a woman opposite began complaining at the noise they were making. We ended up having a row, and she moved carriages. I was then arrested when the train pulled into the station. Thanks god my parents were there to take the DC and I spent a night in a cell without even a blanket before being released on bail.

Horrifying. Certainly smashed the image of respectable middle class yummy mummy I had of myself I can tell you.

Thank goodness the DC were too excited to see their grandparents to notice what had happened.

The next day we had a visit from social services at my mums house and I agreed my parents could take responsilbilty for the children until I sorted myself out. I can't even take them to the park across the road alone, it's heartbreaking.

And to show what a hold it had on me, the morning I was released from prison, what did I do. Rather than dash to my parents to see the children I sat in a wetherspoons garden with a bunch of lonely old men sinking double vodka red bulls. I spent the entire week then until I went on antabuse on a serious binge, called old friends I knew would be up for partying and did nothing but. I can hardly believe myself. It certainly wasn't fun.I just needed to not think.

But now I am thinking, and this is what is killing me.

MoominMags · 12/07/2010 16:31

That sounds so much like me wasindie! (Sounds quite civilised for me actually, ha ha!)

Agree re the boy cats! Totally mad!

Yeah algee come and post and hang about with the Old Bags tonight! I will be around on and off for the evening. I am sure everyone else will be popping in as and when!

MoominMags · 12/07/2010 16:33

Sorry chinkof - cross posted with you. Am going to read your post properly now.

MoominMags · 12/07/2010 16:37

Day 30 is fantastic. Well done, you should be really pleased with yourself.

I know it's only a small comfort but at least your children are with your parents so still with family.

Are you getting support from your parents? Are you getting to see your children?

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I just want you to know that we are all here for you (hope no one minds me speaking for them) please keep posting. We are all in this together and trying to stay sober one day at a time.

algee · 12/07/2010 16:51

Bloody hell, chinkof I truly wish you all the very best...

I hadn't joined in the train drinking conversation, but me too, and there but for the grace of god and all that. I frequently take dd to see dh at weekends to save him the trip, and cannot do the trip without wine. Absurd. I tell myself it's because it's the weekend and all that stuff, usually drop by to share a bottle or two with a chum en route as we cross london...in to whistlestop or m&s to get my train booty...clearly you all know about this, but I've not been 'found out'.

But day 30 is fab chinkof... seems an eternity away for me, not certain i'm going to make it to the end of day 4 at the moment, but I'll tell you something, you are all amazing... god look at that, i'm gushing and i'm not even pissed. must be all the water....

MoominMags · 12/07/2010 16:53

Truly algee, just focus on getting through one hour (a minute if needs be!) at a time and get this day under your belt. You can do it!

MIFLAW · 12/07/2010 16:59

Chinkof

I originally came to AA (though did not immediately stop drinking or stay) as the result of a car crash. No one else was involved but the car was a write-off and the passenger's foot well (where, only days previously, my girlfriend's feet had been) was a very funny shape indeed ...

I remember being in the police station, being fingerprinted and swabbed, and wondering if I would get out in time for the off-licence; going to sign the paperwork for the wreckage of what had been my car (and essential for getting to my teacher trianing placement) and retrieving a cheap bottle of white wine from the back seat; and also my appearance in court. It was my first time there and I felt a bit out of place; I was the only person wearing a suit who was not a lawyer or employee of the court, for example - and this was confirmed by a conversation I heard. Two teenagers were up for carrying a knife. They didn't seem to care at all; in fact, they were discussing how, as soon as they were out of the court, they might have time to go and threaten and/or stab an enemy with a knife. "Bloody hell," I thought, "that's just mad. They're in court for knife crime and they're already planning more knife crime. I am nothing like these people at all, how did I get here?"

That same day, I drank again ...

Algee

"can't hep but feel that if I get a week done, it'll be easier"

One. Day. at. A. Time. Do. Not. Project!

WasindieNial · 12/07/2010 17:00

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MIFLAW · 12/07/2010 17:08

"Miflaw is the expert on all things 12 Step-y" - yeah, thinking of changing my Mumsnet name from MIFLAW to BILLW ...

Seriously, forget amends. Or rather start small and deliver. A big feature of my life as a drunk was planning, failing, and then feeling i had to deliver double the next day. This is the behaviour that also leadsto "I'm not going to drink for a whole month, no sirree Bob, not a drop" and can lead quickly to failure and a drink.

Make it up to your kids by not drinking today and giving them whatever you can. For example, don't wait till you can take them to the park alone in order to give them a once-in-a-lifetime Thorpe Park treat; take them, accompanied, to the park today, and do it sober. Then do it again. Don't save all your booze money to buy them bikes; buy them a book today and read it with them, sober.

I'm sure you already know this but this is, I think, good advice for anyone desperate to make amends (as most of us are at first) and is actually only using your situation as an example, rather than saying you are guilty of this. No offence meant.

venusandmars · 12/07/2010 17:20

Hi All,

I've just started catching up after my weekend away. I've only read as far as Friday afternoon and I'm weling up at your honesty and the support I see between you.

Off to continue reading the thread, will post again soon. x

WasindieNial · 12/07/2010 17:40

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MoominMags · 12/07/2010 17:43

Welcome back venus! Can't wait to hear about your weekend!

My alternatives:

  1. cleaning (seriously love housework when I am sober!)
  2. reading - just got the new Karin Slaughter from the library.
  3. going to a meeting later this evening.

And of course, posting on here!

WasindieNial · 12/07/2010 17:46

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venusandmars · 12/07/2010 17:47

Hi again,

I've skimmed the pages to the end of this. So, so inspiring, and hello to everyone who joined in.

Oh yes, I'm chilled, chilled. chilled..... and people were saying that I was glowing and radiant - big improvement in how I look and feel these days.

T'was very funny, so many others were complaining about not drinking (Buddhist retreat rules), were fantasising about a glass of whatever, and were heading off to grab something to drink as soon as they got home tonight.

I was feeling just fine

I am now at airport (only have 3 minutes left online before my money runs out). On previous trips I would have been pissed at the airport bar by now. Not today

Catch up with all tomorrow when I am back at home.

WasindieNial · 12/07/2010 17:50

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MoominMags · 12/07/2010 17:52

Absolutely! I love carrot cake!