me and alcohol have ruined my family

[jesuswhatnext]

title says it all really - i really cocked up last night, dh walked out, i cant remember what i said to him

today i have actually been in touch with AA but i think its all too late, my dd hates me, as does my parents, yes im feeling sorry for myself right now but i also know i have to change and stop drinking but dont know how.

what can i do to put things right? help me!

Hello everyone
Thank you everyone for asking after me - I can't tell you how amazing it is to come on here this morning and find so many people wondering how I am - I know I am pathetic but it's making me cry.

Last night was a good night. I met my brother and we had a good time. And no drink. I missed dd because I went straight out from work but she was so pleased to see me this morning.

I was wondering how / if / whether to explain to my brother that I wasn't drinking but it didn't come up - in his world it is completely normal to have some food and listen to some music on a Wednesday night without drinking booze. It makes me realise how skewed my perceptions have been.

Venus - your weekend sounds great. I have been wondering about doing something like that. Let us know how you get on.

thank you again everyone for asking after me. I can't believe everyone has remembered me!

Fantastic to hear from you curry. Just glad to know you are doing OK. Great that you had a good evening with your brother.

I love the way we are all looking out for each other on this thread. It's wonderful.

My own view of God is the one I learnt in AA.

Monty (an ex-atheist hippy who sounded like his drinking life had been VERY eventful) said to me, "the only thing you need to know about God is, it's not you." I take this to mean that i have to acknowledge that there are all sorts of things in the world that I have, and can have, no control over, from death to diaorrhea - and I have to be okay with that, give everything my best shot, and then deal with the bit I can't control and adjust my life accordingly.

Why not try thinking along those lines every time you hear the word "God" in a meeting?

Alternatively, think of God as anything that's going to help you be less of an arsehole in life (nothing personal, we all are to some degree or other, and we come to AA seemingly unable to move past a certain point. Then, as a result of being in AA, many of us pass that point and become less arsehole-ish. By definition, there is something happening in your life that, on your own resources alone, you were unable to effect. Ergo, that is a power greater than you. Accept the facts for now and worry about its nature later.)

Incidentally, I am still agnostic and proud of it with regards to religion. I see no contradiction in this position because my conception of God is the one I have set out above and requires no clouds, beards or sandals to work.

morning gang!

it is so good to hear how well we are all doing!!

a yoga weekend sounds wonderful - i think yoga is being a really big help to me, i have always been a manic sort of person and i find it relaxes me.

curry - don't cry! bless you! just join in, i think our little gang is brilliant, im rooting for all of us - you only have to read the last 20 or so postings to see how well we are doing! just stick with us, we love having you here!

am at work right now, so must go and actually do some

see you later xxxxx and big hugs!!

(i dont care care if hugs and kisses are not mumsnety, i mean them )

My skin feels better already! Just hope I don't fall asleep at my desk

hi, just back from meeting - had a really good one today, its strange isn't how some meetings just strike home in a way perhaps others dont.

anyway,back at my dest, drinking my lunchtime slimfast, raspberry crush, quite nice actually.

have another evening to myself, dh working till late, dd out with friends so, my plan is to write to my old aunty in norway, something i am very neglectful of, and then giving the garden a good water, my lawn is turning to dust and i need to stake some daisies which are gowing like mad, for the first time in years i am starting to find that my own company is not too bad, not being drunk amd maudlin helps i guess

be back later!

Good to hear from you Curry.

Glad you had a good meeting JWN, I hope I have one that really 'hits the mark' tonight! Other than my meeting I am going to read my new library book and indulge my newly discovered sweet tooth with a Caramel bar. Yum! I love taking pleasure in simple things these days!

I hope that everyone has had a good and successful day.

Have nice evenings JWN, curry, venus, wasindie, MIFLAW and everyone else too! (I know there are others so apologies!)

Deste - hope you have a nice evening too!

am about to leave work - am going to call in at the buddist centre on the way home, find out about more yoga/mediation classes!

good evening - where is everybody?, doing something nice i hope!

i went to the buddist centre, there are loads of evening classes i can go to, so, im going to call and book some sessions

as i was walking home dd called and asked if i would like to join her and bf for a meal , so, i have had chinese for dinner, not good for my diet but bloody good for my soul - dd actually wanted my company i simply cant describe how good that feels

i have watered the garden - my pots look smashing but the grass is turning into a dust bowl.

see you all later i hope!!

I lurk, I don't post (well apart from when I made a wellie boot recommendation a couple of years ago!!) I have been folowing this thread since the first post...can't believe it's 5 weeks ago. Anyway. What an inspirational thread. truly... but apparantly not inspirational enough for me. Today was day 4 of this week when I really was going to give it up, and so far I've downed 3 frenchy pretend lagers, two bottles of Best one generous pimms and approx quarter bottle of whiskey. Great. I am killing myself, but though my resolve each morning is sincere, here I am. This morning after I read updates i located AA meetings but thought 'no, I can do this myself', but here I am. I feel so inspired by you all, but still can't do it, though I want to. apparantly I want the daily hangover more. I'll probably chicken posting again, but please know that you are fab, and your posts encourage more people than you know...

Hey algee, and well done for posting. It's funny how brave it feels to post on an anonymous website.

Yeah JWN is a fantastic inspiration. I am 12 days in (just had to count it up on my fingers) and I can't pretend it's all been easy. There have been many sources of help that have kept me from picking up a drink and posting on this forum and knowing that others are here supporting has been great.

Its been good to know that if I had had a drink than the others wouldn't have been disapproving, but I know that they would have understood and encouraged me to just keep on going. one day at a time (and sometimes one hour at a time, or even less).

We all know how you feel right now, but hating yourself for it isn't going to do the trick. If you think that the practical support of others might be good for you, then try an AA meeting - you'll never know if you don't go.

Keep coming back on here algee, whatever you decide to do.

JWN - That is wonderful about your daughter, thank goodness your relationship can be recovered and repaired.

It is quite a change when our kids grow up and don't need us in the same way, and such a delight when they actually choose to be with us.

My youngest is living it up at T in the Park while I'll be blissing out in an altered mind state . Opposite extremes.

Have a great weekend everybody, I'll be back here on Tuesday.

hey algee!!! nice to see your post! stop lurking and chat a while!

i used to give up everyday too, i used to lay in bed most mornings and think 'fuck, i did it again' i used to feel sick, was getting to the point that i would retch when i cleaned my teeth, even that did not make me stop and think. by lunchtime, i could find any excuse to go the pub, won a contract, lost a contract, no differant, same old story, straight down the pub, a t least a bottle and a bit, then back to the office, do some 'work', stagger home and open some more

i cannot tell you how good it feels to be sober, there is no way i would judge you, condemn, whatever, but if i can help just say! you ARE stronger than you know!! believe me, if a drunken old sop like me can give sobriety a go, then there is hope for us all!!!!

try giving the AA helpline a ring, you may find that it is just what you need. doing anything difficult is always so much more difficult if you do it alone ime.

so, tell us a bit about yourself, do you have dcs?, if so, how old?, do you work?, im sure that even in our small gang on this thread you will find that you have something in common with one of us, as well as a desire to get better!

btw - venus - you are sounding more positive by the day!!! fantastic isn't it?

have a great weekend venus!!!!

ps - i dont envy your washing pile when youngest gets home from the festival!

thank you. I seem to have a terror of being recognised; it all seems so obvious to me, but I suspect it isn't as obvious as I imagine. 42 one dd just 7. Just leaving a 22 year standing career to retrain as a secondary teacher...anyone seen me yet??

I hate what I am. Really. I can pretty well pinpoint when it started, dating back 12 years, but i've always done mad stuff, minor cutting, eating madness, you know. I am a together, sorted, sensible, reliable type though apparantly...as if/ if only they knew.

You're all great and I'm so thrilled for you. Thank you. Since I first plucked up though, the bottle has somehow emptied, and I know I will have a fuzzy head again in the morning. Maybe tomorrow.

I shall keep reading. Forgive me if I don't post again... feel like I'm confessing as a voyeur or something, which I suppose I am really, but please indulge me and don't think badly of me!

shit i sound way too needy. I'm not really! Keep at it guys ; maybe this time tomorrow I'll be telling you all I've managed my first day plonk free in years...night!

nah - we don't think badly of you! sounds like you have a fair amount on your plate atm. one of my sil is training to be a primary school teacher, i have seen the amount of work she has to do for that.

since i last posted i have downed a long glass of cranberry and tonic water, my earlier chinese has left me really thirsty.

ime at AA, quite a few people have several problems along the same lines as you, like the cutting and so forth, that old saying is true, a problem shared and all that! when i wrote the title of this thread i really believed that i had lost everything i hold dear - in just 5 (nearly 6!! ) weeks i have regained my self respect, my family and my life - i am doing it a day at a time, occasionally an hour at a time - some lovely people on here have called me an inspiration, dont get me wrong, it does my ego good, but hey, im just a 47 year old working wife/mum whos life was out of control.

are you in a position to go to a meeting tommorow?, i promise no one will judge you, or 'out' you, they are all there for the same reason, they want to get better and they want to help each other get better! i urge you to give it a go (oh gawd, im coming over all evanglical ) i guess i just feel so good i want you to experience this feeling as well!

pity my spelling was as strong as my enthusiasim

algee, you dont sound 'needy' and anyway, what would be wrong with being 'needy' we all 'need' people sometimes you know!

i will try again! ahem!

what a pity my spelling is not as strong as my enthusiasim (sp?) ha ha!