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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

me and alcohol have ruined my family

999 replies

jesuswhatnext · 31/05/2010 12:32

title says it all really - i really cocked up last night, dh walked out, i cant remember what i said to him

today i have actually been in touch with AA but i think its all too late, my dd hates me, as does my parents, yes im feeling sorry for myself right now but i also know i have to change and stop drinking but dont know how.

what can i do to put things right? help me!

OP posts:
curryeater · 06/07/2010 21:19

Hello!
You all sound so positive - well done.
I would love to lose some weight but I have been eating everything in sight

Felt very tragic and achey at lunch time today, so I snapped and went out for the full hour and thought sod it I will treat myself to... a foot massage. It was lovely. I am spending money like water though. Still - sometimes you need a treat.

7 days!
The mornings are feeling better. I wake up in time to play with dd before I have to go to work and that puts me in a really good mood as I can think about her all day with her fresh in my mind. I really run out of steam in the afternoons and evenings though, but never mind, I can work on that.

Wasindie - good luck for the dinner with your SIL.

Good luck everyone. Would love to hear reports from those who have been to meetings.

jesuswhatnext · 06/07/2010 21:57

curry!!! well done, 7 days is fantastic!! - i eat like a horse for a couple of weeks, it seems to have settled down now though, i dont crave sweet things like i did at first either.
as to spending money on a foot massage, well, just think of the money you have NOT spent on booze this week. also, how lovley that you get to spend a little more time with your dd - that is surely a reward for all your hard work!!

i am off to bed in a mo, its been quite a long day, got a lot done, which pleases me no end, a decent meal cooked, the house feeling homely, dd singing in the bath all is right with my world - i hope it is for everyone else too!

so tomorrow, more slimfast and fruit, loads of water
AND NO ALCOHOL!

btw - my df is giving up the booze, he has to loose weight for an operation - he has promised me a day at the races as a present, as he now realises how hard it is (and he is not an alkie)

hope i dont take to gambling in the same way i took to drink

OP posts:
WasindieNial · 07/07/2010 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoominMags · 07/07/2010 09:16

Well done everyone on another sober day! I am on Day 14 (again!) and feeling good.

Re the eating: I eat a lot of sweet stuff now which I never did when I was drinking but I don't mind! It's my treat to have a chocolate bar instead of wine.

How did you get on with the helpline wasindie? Anyone can just turn up to any meeting so I am sure it went fine!

MIFLAW would probably best at describing what kind of meeting Big Book/ Step is. I have an idea but not sure if I can explain it clearly enough. Just go with an open mind and it will be fine! (Although it may all sound a bit bonkers at first!) 'Closed' means the meeting is just for those with drinking problems. 'Open' means that you could take a friend or relative with you. My parents and husband have all come to meetings with me at various times.

Have a great day everyone!

venusandmars · 07/07/2010 09:32

Morning all I have been sleeping so soundly these past few nights - I really feel as though my body is needing all this sleep to repair itself.

I too am planning to go to another meeting tonight, I have found one which is after work. That will be good too because then we won't eat until later. I've been finding that without drinking there is a lot more time in the evenings. Sometimes that is great (dp and I have been out for a couple of lovely summer evening walks) but sometimes I just feel tired and bored. It is all quite an adjustment and takes quite a bit of getting used to.

jesuswhatnext · 07/07/2010 10:39

gooooood morning!!!

am at work right now, so need to be a bit quick - everyone sounds very positive, by the time we have all slept, drank all this water and had all these beauty treatments we will be the most glamarous lot going

OP posts:
MoominMags · 07/07/2010 11:06

I would hope that we are all looking more glam by the day, ha ha! (Although my skin is quite bad presently - all the toxins leaving I think. I know from past experience that it will all clear up soon!)

MIFLAW · 07/07/2010 11:40

Open meeting - non-alcoholics can come (e.g. hand holders, but also interested members of the press, GPs, police etc) - though they may not share or contribute to the collection at the end (because we are self-supporting.)

Closed meeting - only for alcoholics (in the broadest sense of people who think they have a problem with drink, even if they have not yet decided to abstain and even if they don't like the A word.)

Quite separately, there are also different types of meetings (which, for obvious reasons, all tend to be "closed".)

The vast majority of meetings are not of any particular type and involve an alcoholic of six months sobriety or more telling his or her story (what it was like, what happened and what it's like now) for about half an hour, then other people present "share" with the speaker, talking about how his or her story is like theirs. This is normally through "raised voice" sharing; if you want to speak, you wait till the person before you finishes, introduce yourself and say what you have to say. Etiquette is to talk about yourself, not others; to shut up after a maximum of 5 minutes (or less if that's the rule in the meeting) and not to share if you've had a drink today. (I have to confess I have borken all three of these rules in my time ...)

Typically, this sort of meeting will start with a brief reading from AA literature of the speaker's choice.

A Step meeting is identical, except that the reading will be one of the 12 Steps, the speaker will try to base his or her share around that step, and the people sharing back from the floor will also try to relate their sharing to that Step.

Big Book - same again, except the reading will be a passage from the Big Book (often read in order, week by week, or according to a pre-determined list) and, again, sharing themed around the reading.

You also sometimes find "Living Sober", "Reflections" and "As Bill Sees It" meetings (based, surprisingly enough, around the books "Living Sober", "Reflections" and "As Bill Sees It".)

In other words, the difference is that the speaker is not completely free to share about what he or she wants to.

That said, whatever type of meeting it is, if I know there's a newcomer in the room, I will tend to include more reference to my drinking and to how I came to AA in my sharing, and I think this is normal - we want you to identify with us, in other words, to realise that you are not alone and that (in my case) seven years off the drink nevertheless started with a day exactly like the one the newcomer's having today.

Incidentally, in big cities you sometimes also find meetings describing themselves as "Newcomers'" meetings. In fact, this is a very flexible definition, but you will find that more of the people present will be in, say, the first 18 months of sobriety. Naturally, this also means that they tend to be younger.

My advice to you would be to go to bog-standard meetings initially (as opposed to newcomers' meetings) - not only will you get the benefit of a breadth of experience not always available in newcomers' meetings, but it will help you realise that all kinds of people can be alkies and that some of the most respectable faces in your local community used to be piss artists and turned it around.

I would also warn you that, while Big Book and Step meetings can be excellent, they may initially seem a bit theoretical and removed from your immediate problems. Be sure to tell the greeter and/or the secretary on the quiet that it is your first meeting and that you have not been "dry" long and they will help mitigate this effect. But don't feel you can't or shouldn't go - such meetings can be a huge help (and sometimes they go back to Step 1 when they know a newcomer is present.)

Happy to go into more detail if that would help. Where are you based?

MoominMags · 07/07/2010 12:01

I knew MIFLAW would be good at explaining that!

venusandmars · 07/07/2010 12:27

One of the meetings near me is a 'beginners' meeting.

I haven't been to it because the time and location are difficult, but it made me smile 'cos I wasn't sure if it was for people who were beginners at getting drunk, or people who were beginners at stopping drinking.

I feel I am a beginner at neither. I have been pretty good at getting pissed. And also rather good at stoppping - after all I've decided to stop drinking about 4 mornings a week for the last 2 years! What I've not yet been very good at is staying stopped, and that's what I'm beginning to practice now (one day at a time).

MoominMags · 07/07/2010 15:53

Good afternoon, has everyone had a good day so far? Mine has been OK! I am actually having a night off meetings tonight (but straight back to it tomorrow) so I am looking forward to just relaxing, enjoying my dinner and not having to dash off anywhere.

Wasindie - I hope you make your meeting and really enjoy it!

Venus - I hope you also enjoy your meeting!

Curry - how are you feeling today? Hope you're feeling a bit better now...

JWN - good wishes sent to you too!

And hello to anyone I have rudely forgotten x

jesuswhatnext · 07/07/2010 16:27

hi! - there is quite a little gang of us now isn't there!

i have been to the office, been to meeting, done a bit of shopping (i got 4 bunches of flowers from the supermarket, all on a reduced ticket, loads of life left in them, so, i treated myself )

i am doing some baking this afternoon as it is not too hot. dh plays football this evening and dd is out with her bf, so i have an evening to myself, have bought vogue and homes and gardens magazine, so looking forward to having a bit of a slob about.

i think i have pulled a muscle at yoga, my leg is bloody killing me, i must have gone a far with some of the movements, oops!

anyway, back later!

btw - some great news, well, for me anyway, my niece is allowed to come and stay with us this weekend - she is only 10 and quite understandably, my db was a bit reluctant to let her spend much time with me as he never knew quite what state i would get into but now, he trusts me!!!! so, claires accessories here we come!

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 07/07/2010 16:31

just one last thing - have stuck to the slimfast all day!!! (just call me elle )

OP posts:
MoominMags · 07/07/2010 16:42

Hi JWN, it's lovely to see things starting to improve - like your db trusting you with your niece. And it really doesn't take that long before that trust start to return does it?? Good work on the slimfast too!

WasindieNial · 07/07/2010 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deste · 07/07/2010 20:12

This is the first post I look for every day and I regularly pop in and out. You are all doing so well and I am so proud of you all. I am also sure there are others with alcohol problems watching but not coming on yet. Lets hope it gives them the courage to post. You are all such an inspiration so keep up the good work. MIFLAW you are a great help to all of them with your great advice. Curry I have not heard from you today, give us a nod.

jesuswhatnext · 07/07/2010 21:46

hi, i am having a very plesant evening, i have had a long chat on the phone with my cousin, he is 2 years sober and totally committed to AA - he is a fantastic inspiration for me, he has been to hell and back, as has his poor wife (she is not 'poor' now iywsim, she is not defined by her dhs illness) anyway, he sounds a bit like miflaw - all very good advice from one who knows

deste - thanks for your kind words! i would like to hear from curry aswell, hope she is ok?

venus - i gave up drinking everyday, until about lunchtime!

right, am off to do my nails and bung some fake tan on my legs - it has been so bloody hot i have overdone it with the sunblock, i now have legs whiter than my teeth

see you later

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 07/07/2010 21:47

ps - I HAVE NOT HAD A DRINK TODAY!

OP posts:
helpmenow · 07/07/2010 23:19

Hi deste! Curry how are you? Think about coming to a meeting, MIFLAW has offered I know, and I could also take you.

MIFLAW · 08/07/2010 00:41

Aw shucks, you guys.

Wasin, how was meeting?

MoominMags · 08/07/2010 09:09

Good morning once again! Another sober evening has passed for myself. My sleeping is getting better again and my skin is starting to clear up!

How is everyone else today? Wasindie, how was your meeting? Curry, I hope that you are doing OK? Venus, did you get to another meeting? JWN, I hope you managed to sort out the white leg problem, ha ha!

Hope everyone is well and ready for another sober, peaceful and happy day!

venusandmars · 08/07/2010 09:13

I went to an after-work meeting which felt like a good place to be. Then I went to my book club. Often I would have been rushing home early from the book club so I could get in some serious drinking before bed, or if I stayed later, and only managed half a bottle of wine at home I would use that as an example of how I didn't really have a problem 'cos I could stop at half a bottle. What a fool.

I won't be on here over the weekend, so don't worry if you don't see any posts from me. I am going with a friend to a yoga and meditation weekend (Friday - Monday). It is held in a place that is run by Bhuddists so we are asked to abide by their ways (no meat, no alcohol etc). Guess what? I am REALLY looking forward to it .

MoominMags · 08/07/2010 09:15

Hi venus, that sounds like a really good way to spend your weekend! I bet you will feel really refreshed and positive after it. Isn't it great to be able to do things like that and not feel like you are 'missing' out on a weekend's drinking? (That's how I would have felt anyway. Madness!)

WasindieNial · 08/07/2010 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoominMags · 08/07/2010 10:09

Fantastic to hear from you Wasindie! The meeting sounds like many I have attended. Seriously, do not worry about the God thing at the moment. Re the more men than women in the meetings etc: aside from my sponsor (female, a few years older than me) my closest AA friends are a man in his 50's and another man who's 72! (I am 33.)

And it's so good that you looked for the similarities rather than the differences! (Really hope that I am not sounding at all patronising here!)

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