Women who return to abusive partners

[BertieBotts]

I notice a lot of people on here saying frequently that they don't understand why some women keep returning to violent or abusive relationships, and I read this book on the subject recently and found it really interesting, if hard going. It's written by Erin Pizzey, the founder of Women's Aid and is about women who are drawn to abusive (predominantly violent) relationships time and time again.

There are graphic descriptions of abuse in the book so just be warned if it is likely to upset you. If you think you can cope though it's well worth the read - it's quite short, 183 pages in print.

The book is called "Prone to Violence" and the whole text is available online here, (which is where I read it) or amazon link here.

Many years ago, I had a very close friend.
She was a lovely person who, in her own words, was 'trapped' in a relationship with a violent, controlling, abusive man. She made several attempts to leave him, but he seemed to always convince/cajole/threaten her back again.
Then one day, he met somebody else. He dropped my friend, and went off into a completely new circle of people with his new girlfriend. At this point in time, you are probably thinking "Hurray, she's got rid of the bastard at last"!.
What did she do?
She singled out, quite deliberately, a single man within her ex's new circle of friends and pulled him! Thus she inserted herself as close as she possibly could into her ex's new life, instead of taking advantage of the fact that she was finally rid of him.
Most people can never understand the mindset of somebody who, whilst hating being abused, nevertheless almost seems to be addicted to the drama of it all. But just because it makes no sense, it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

Many years ago when I first started working I shared a secretary with the partner I worked for. She was intelligent, beautiful and well paid. She lived with a man who seemed the same. In reality he would lock her out the house, use their 4 yr old dc as emotional blackmail and hide her medication (insulin dependent diabetic).

I struggled to understand why she stayed with him and she admitted that she didn't want to give up her lifestyle as 'most of the time' he was okay. Only problem she would never know when he was going to flip. It made me very sad and I felt helpless to know what to do. Other work colleagues (older than me) felt the same.

Not sure what the answer is to something like that. My parents were happily married until my father died but one thing my mother instilled on me was never to be dependent on a man for anything. I'm lucky that I've been able to work and put myself in that position but I appreciate it isn't always easy to do.

Should add that she eventually left him for someone else - wealthier and more prestigious job but fortunately also lovely with it.

I think the description of her chatting to the guy who severeley tortured his wife and commenting how nice he was , was the most disgusting thing ive ever read.

I agree Dittany, the men certainly had no qualms discussing their abuse with her either which is disturbing. Not nearly as disturbing though as those horrible interveiws with the women where she pushes and pushes for details of sexual abuse , and on occasion tells them they were excited by it .

I felt like gouging my eyes out.

Every nice man I ever went out with, I dumped for a more 'intense' kind of guy. To me, it felt like the nice relationships weren't real enough. I don't remember the first time XH#1 hit me. I didn't just sit there, whimpering; I fought back, hard. I screeched, tore with my nails and broke household objects. I developed a hair-trigger temper. That made two of us.

When he split my face, I rang my Dad. I reckoned he'd be a good source of advice on abusive husbands. I found a B&B, advised H I was leaving him because of the violence, and stayed with a friend for one night. H came begging as usual, but this time I was stronger. We negotiated. He stopped hitting me, but the outbursts didn't stop and the rows were just as awful on both sides. You could, literally, hear us from the other end of the street - my neighbours told me.

He developed new ways of controlling me. He was serially unfaithful, insulting, sexually abusive and I continued to do his bidding, no matter what. My temper got worse. I once threw a magnum of champagne at him (full). It missed, but I'd aimed for the head. When I finally ended it and we were waiting for the house to sell, he came into the spare room where I was sleeping and strangled me. It was serious - I only got away because I know how to fight.

For the next few years, I continued to dump the nice men. At the age of 35 I discovered that not all men hit their women. I was never hit again but knew nothing about emotional abuse. The 'passionate' guys I chose were abusive: not just moody, they were abusers. XH#2 ws my attempt at a normal relationship. He was a dull person compared to my other partners but the sex was fantastic.

His emotional abuse began on our wedding day and ratcheted up very quickly. Still unaware of emotional violence, I became lonely, confused and frustrated in my marriage. My old 'married' temper resurfaced - H blamed me for all our problems. As I was the one throwing the crazy tantrums, everyone else agreed with him. Still desperate to please, I submitted to his rape, dishonesty and humiliations.

After XH#2 and I split up, I went into rehab and became sober. The feeling of living without alcohol, drugs or sex was strange. For the first time in my life (I was 48), the days were not marked by emotional highs & lows. It felt very much as if all of the colour had drained away from the world - life had been a kaleidoscope; now it was a sheet of white paper. This is the point where addicts, of any type, are most likely to relapse. A sober world looks and feels very bland by comparison.

The above, if you hadn't noticed, is my personal reason for understanding the 'addictive' element of abusive relationships. As a final addition for anyone who's still unclear about this - I have a very low sense of self-worth and extremely weak boundaries. This applies, with very few exceptions, to all abusers and the abused. It's the root of the problem.

There are no "goodies" and "baddies", only damaged souls.

have only read OP
hte training i have had on this tells you to ask not " why does she keep returning to him"
rather " why the hell doesnt he stop"

< There are no "goodies" and "baddies", only damaged souls. >
In the abusive world, that is. I know it's not true of life in general. I've only recently learned that; I thought everyone was the same.

I think before you can escape an abusive relationship you have to come to the realisation that your in one, which is harder than it sounds.

Often if you look on the relationship thread you see people asking if they are overeacting to their partners mistreatment.Sometimes they are told that yes they are . Its only when you replace partner with freind or neighbour that you see that it is abusive and not a normal way to treat someone.

We tend to let a lot go in relationships, and are often encouraged to do so.

True, dignified, we are often encouraged to do so.

Very true DIGNIFIED. . .here here. I ofen used to think or say that to my abusive Ex. . ."You wouldnt speak to your mother or your sister like that". . .(The Git !)

I'm interested in the point where they change. Only because something came to me in the night.

On one of the threads on here, someone has written in a very melancholly way about the grief at losing someone who suddenly turns into a monster.

That is what happened to me, after seven years,suddenly last July my h turned from a funny, wonderful man, (albeit with some very minor jealousy issues..which didn't stop me doing anything, and a dislike of facebook),
to an angry, aggressive, paranoid , delusional monster...who genuinely can't remember what has come out of his mouth, seconds earlier. (Is that dissocation?)

I have a few ideas, the influence of my mother, losing a big contract at work, possible cocaine use....but what occured to me in the night, is that this personality change co incided with him getting hypnotherapy, as he felt he was drinking too much. Not that he was especially.

Could being hypnotised cause something to trigger in his head? I know that it's usually a sense of finally "owning" the partner, which is why it gets worse upon marriage, or pregnancy, but neither of those things were pertinent in this case.

I'd love to hear others ideas on this. Didn't want to start another thread, and this seemed the most appropriate.

For the record....this idea simply came to me in the night and has no bearing on the way I relate to him at the moment.

Curious, thisis!

Your H, iirc, has his own background issues and was close to you throughout your previous abusive marriage. It might also be possible that his empathy for you was linked to his own vulnerabilities - and then your mum triggered him off. From what you've said, she's an expert with the old triggers. And madder than a box of frogs.

It is true, though, that stage hypnotists have sometimes set off psychoses in subjects who had big underlying issues. Interesting thought. Nothing further to add, I'm afraid ...

All true Grace You are so clever. You have an ability to clarify things beautifully.

My mum definitely had a huge role to play.

The reason that it came to me is that the private therapist that he is seeing, does hypnotherapy, and well as psychotherapy, and it reminded me that he went last spring. The time he started to profoundly change.

I may google what you've said there, but then again maybe I can't be arsed, as it actually doesn't change anything does it?

The rest is in the lap of the gods