Women who return to abusive partners

[BertieBotts]

I notice a lot of people on here saying frequently that they don't understand why some women keep returning to violent or abusive relationships, and I read this book on the subject recently and found it really interesting, if hard going. It's written by Erin Pizzey, the founder of Women's Aid and is about women who are drawn to abusive (predominantly violent) relationships time and time again.

There are graphic descriptions of abuse in the book so just be warned if it is likely to upset you. If you think you can cope though it's well worth the read - it's quite short, 183 pages in print.

The book is called "Prone to Violence" and the whole text is available online here, (which is where I read it) or amazon link here.

"Nice you're lining up with the men's rights activist though, Grace."

You see, that's the problem. You exist in a wonderfully simple world of gender stereotyping, where all men are potential abusers, and all women are potentially abused. It bears as much relation to the real world as a Dahl book. Yes, there are bad men. Yes, there are bad women. Unfortunately, they happen to occur randomly, and in roughly equal numbers. Inconvenient, I know.

I need one of those head-banging emoticons.

On the whole I enjoy your thoughtful contributions, Dittany. I have no doubt of your good motivations or your intelligence. Like others, I sometimes feel exasperated by your rigidity.

I feel offended that you've chosen to invalidate my own experiences, both factual and emotional. I shan't say "You're entitled to your opinion" because, in this case, you opinion seems to be that I'm a liar and a fool.

I really am going out now, because I have to walk this frustration off!

I'm going out too.
I think I'll slip a BNP t-shirt on, and go and stand outside the local Womens Aid refuge and shout at the occupants!

I think I should point out (it is my fault I did not make myself clear)that George was not an abuser - Jo picked him up and 'rolled him'. Jo stayed with us in the refuge and came back and forth for many yearsAt one point she abandoned her children in the reguge and mother voted to have them taken into care because they all tried to take car of jo's children but it was too much. Staff drove Jo to visit her children any time she wanted to see them and now some 30 years later she is living outside London and I am still friends with her. She recently did 12 years as a drugs mule smuggling coke into England from JA. No the feminist movement would never admit that some women can be as violent as men. Domestic abuse is not and never has been a gender issue. It is a learned pattern of bahviour from early childhood and those of us who had violent childhood experiences suffered and are damaged whether we are girls or boys. Our stratagies from survival (mine was to become violent and my twin sister to turn her damage in one herself). I wrote Infernal Child (on Amazon) describing my childhood. Of the first 100 women to come into the refuge 62 were violent and violent to their children. By ignoring these women and claiming they are all victims we deny them the chance to take responsibility for their own behaviour erin

Yes, she's Erin. The last word of her post is also a giveaway.

Sorry, just trying to be helpful.

Oh dear, I appear to have misjudged this quite badly, sorry. I didn't realise it would be quite so controversial. I thought it was an interesting argument that patterns can be learned and entrenched from childhood. I didn't see it as blaming the victim but as saying the victims were unable to help being drawn into these situations. But some of the responses to this thread have opened my eyes a bit more. Food for thought, thank you.

Knew i shouldnt have read it, i feel physicly sick now.

Inviting abusers in to a refuge ?
Describing abusers as nice men?
Addicted to violence ?
And a fucking horrible description of rape and sexual assault that wouldnt be misplaced in a porno mag.

Honestly , i feel physicly ill, i wont be able to stop thinking about this all day now.

Absolutely unbelievable!
In virtually the same breath, you advise somebody to ignore another persons opinion because they are a "misogynist", and then you advise them to read a gender biased text!
This is turning into a Fast Show sketch.

"A 2006 study showed that women in the United States commit domestic violence against men 33% more often than men do against women, and women commit severe domestic violence twice as often as men."

"The rate of minor assaults by women was 78 per 1,000 couples, compared with a rate for men of 72 per 1,000. The severe assault rate was 46 per 1,000 couples for assaults by women and 50 per 1,000 for assaults by men. Neither difference is statistically significant. Since these rates are based exclusively on information provided by women respondents, the near-equality in assault rates cannot be attributed to a gender bias in reporting."

"Some studies show that lesbian relationships have similar levels of violence as heterosexual relationships, while other studies report that lesbian relationships exhibit substantially higher rates of physical aggression."

Et al.

Truth hurts, so rely on insults?
Bless.

I'm gobsmacked. The author of your quote actually took the trouble to post here & clear up some misunderstandings, and you're still slagging her off - without even recognising what she said.

Dittany, invalidation of another's feelings, opinions and experiences are common tactics in emotional abuse. I'd like an apology for the following two statements, please:-

"You don't know what you are talking about Grace."
"I don't think you're feeling that bullied by me"

I'll leave out the moral accusations you made, since those are due more to misinformation, and could only be refuted by putting you through some proper training in helping abuse survivors.

Would that be 'lies' by the researchers who compiled the statistics in question, or lies by the summariser? Or both?

I honestly would not waste your time.
I have NEVER come across such a closed mind.
To hear that an opinion which states that DA/DV is not an exclusively male abomination, described as 'women hating', leaves me speechless.

From Page 57, Home Office Statistical Bulletin based on statistics from the British Crime Survey:

"Overall, three in ten (30%) women and two in ten (20%) men had experienced any
domestic abuse since the age of 16."

Or is the Home Office and BCS misogynistic liars too?