Women who return to abusive partners

[BertieBotts]

I notice a lot of people on here saying frequently that they don't understand why some women keep returning to violent or abusive relationships, and I read this book on the subject recently and found it really interesting, if hard going. It's written by Erin Pizzey, the founder of Women's Aid and is about women who are drawn to abusive (predominantly violent) relationships time and time again.

There are graphic descriptions of abuse in the book so just be warned if it is likely to upset you. If you think you can cope though it's well worth the read - it's quite short, 183 pages in print.

The book is called "Prone to Violence" and the whole text is available online here, (which is where I read it) or amazon link here.

bertiebotts just had a quick scan of your link.
'Scream Quietly or the Neighbors Will Hear' seems too familiar for me. i am always scared that my neighbours hear the shouting and what they will think .

thanks for the link, it looks an interesting read.

Hmm. I have/had (can't actually remember whether I still own it) a copy of that, and she is right about some things and dodgy on others. It was a bit simplistic as I recall - and there are other reasons why a woman returns to a shitbag: economic dependency being a big one; fear that he will get custody or harm the DC if she doesn't go back, or the basic fear of being single that many women suffer after a lifetime of propaganda to the effect that single women are freaks and failures - the point of the propaganda being to ensure that women continue servicing men.

I always think it is extraordinarily dense of people to question why abused women return to abusive partners. Unfortunately the clots who ponder this are unlikely to read the book, but fair play for trying.

When I was in the refuges myself, I think ALL of us women discussed and considered going back at some point. I recall it was mainly due to money and what our parents thought!

Alot of the older generation seem to think if you are married, especially with dc, you should stay! Scary.

Plus your confidence is at an all time low and you think maybe it was something you did wrong.

And you just want that 'happy family' ideal.

And there is the 'smothering with love' thing these blokes do which can be very endearing and makes you think they can be like that all the time.

Erin Pizzey was regarded as a feminist heroine in the 80s, Dittany AFAIK, and she did initially do a lot to make domestic violence something that was talked about. And though that book is very flawed, it's not impossible that people who have known little other than abuse in relationships might have a tendency to be drawn to abusers because the familiarity of abuse is comforting - look at the number of threads on here from women who have escaped one awful relationship and gone onto have another different but equally awful one (eg, the woman who leaves a violent man takes up with an emotionally abusive one on the grounds that 'at least he doesn't hit me'.)
I don't think it;s victim-blaming to be aware that people who have been badly abused need help not to keep repeating the patterns.

According to a book I once read, the main cause behind abusers or people who continuously get involved with abusive partners is culture and environment in which the person grew up.

If you grew up in a house where one partner abused the other, it is natural to assume that such abuse is not that bad but perhaps part of a "normal" relationship.

As for why people return, I guess that it is for the same reason they find it so difficult to go... ruined self esteem? I guess it is not easy to gather the courage to leave or stay out, when you have been kicked into believing that someway the abuser is always right and you did something to cause the problem.

I'm assuming that women's refuges aren't permanent homes - and that if the women in them have to move on, they might not have the strength or the finances to find somewhere new by themselves.

I agree that society's unwillingness to do anything about the men in these situations is so - I don't know how many of them go straight back to their abusee and further damage/kill them but I bet it's a high percentage - punishment for "embarrassing" them.

Dittany - I was very at that excerpt you C&P'd - the woman's tone regarding "Jo" was so derogatory! And she seemed to be sympathising with the abuser for having "fallen into Jo's hands" - so he was justified in battering her then??

I think the low self-esteem is a major key - played on massively by the abuser - they really believe no one else will ever want them and for some people that is intolerable, being alone simply isn't an option for them and they truly think "better the devil you know".

"It's written by Erin Pizzey, the founder of Women's Aid "

"I don't think anybody in Women's Aid would support Erin Pizzey"

How long ago did she found Women's Aid, and what happened in the intervening period? Why would they not support her now?

this might give you a few reasons, noyoucant; and I think this explains it a bit more. (apols for the DM link )

Thanks. That certainly explains a lot!

"Men are gentle, honest and straightforward. Women are convoluted, deceptive and dangerous"...even as a man I wouldn't even try to say that with a straight face!

Pizzey seems to me to be one of those people who do achieve some good things but are predominantly driven by their egos. People like this are often useful in the early stages of campaign movements as they generate a lot of attention, but when the spotlight moves off them they can get very tiresome indeed.

Ease up on her, Dittany. Pizzey was the ONLY person to acknowledge that domestic violence was a problem, and that women needed protection from violent partners. She set up the first EVER refuges.

The very idea was so repulsive to society as a whole, she faced personal attacks and attempts to have her movement shut down by law. There was no police support for her, that's why she needed a man to help her against the violent partners.

Without Pizzey, we may not even have been able to hold the discussions on this forum.

'have never been a feminist, because, having experienced my mother's violence, I always knew that women can be as vicious and irresponsible as men.'

It's very sad that a woman who did so much good combines it with being so silly.

I do thnk that the reason some feminists get so angry about Erin Pizzey is that they wanted her to be some kind of secular saint, the total feminist heroine and she's just another flawed human being with a mix of good ideas and bad ones. She did do good work in setting up the first refuges, in publicizing the extent to which domestic violence goes on etc. That good work still stands. That she turned out to be fond of unscientific half-baked theories about behaviour, class prejudice (some of her early work is mindbogglingly student-daft about the 'middle classes' and how evil they are) and self-publicizing doesn't negate what she did do that was good.

If Pizzey were posting on Stately Homes today, we'd recognise that she was still conflicted between her mother's abuse and her father's. We'd point out that her parents 'parentified' her and her caring works were an externalised expression of the care she needed in herself. I empathise: as a child, I also promised myself I'd kill my dad to save mum. My mother was a victim, but she kept the dynamic alive. I only realised this fairly recently; Pizzey did so sooner.

Women do abuse, you know. The dynamics of abuse are weird - it's almost never a one-way street. I think I can see what she was doing in the passage Dittany quoted above. Today we have far greater understanding, more resources & facilities: we have gentler, better methods.

The reason we have those is because Erin Pizzey set the ball rolling.

I should add that I met her, decades ago, and found her really annoying! You don't have to lik someone to admire their achievements, nor to appreciate their motives.

Yes, I see what you mean Grace. I just find it a shame when people come out with statements of the form 'I'm not xxx because I don't believe yyy', when x and y are not in fact remotely related. It's an underhand way of giving something you've decided not to like a bad name, by mis-characterizing it, isn't it?

Still, she clearly did do some amazing work and I totally agree that women can be as abusive as men (though I think that denying that is, when you think about it properly, actually quite incompatible with feminism anyway).