Women who return to abusive partners

[BertieBotts]

I notice a lot of people on here saying frequently that they don't understand why some women keep returning to violent or abusive relationships, and I read this book on the subject recently and found it really interesting, if hard going. It's written by Erin Pizzey, the founder of Women's Aid and is about women who are drawn to abusive (predominantly violent) relationships time and time again.

There are graphic descriptions of abuse in the book so just be warned if it is likely to upset you. If you think you can cope though it's well worth the read - it's quite short, 183 pages in print.

The book is called "Prone to Violence" and the whole text is available online here, (which is where I read it) or amazon link here.

Dits: "What was that you said about abuse (overdramatic word for arguments on the internet)."

See what you did there? Belittled the word abuse! If 'abuse' is the internet word for arguments (lol) - then all the women we have been discussing just suffered arguments. No wonder you see it merely as a political tool, not a real & life-threatening issue

You pontificate about domestic abuse but show no interest in learning more about it, much less doing anything to help real-life sufferers. Any you contradict yourself, from thread to thread.

You're an interesting creature.

The counseller I went to after I left my abuser talked about Stockholm Syndrome. That's where the victim of the abuse can end up feeling particularly close to the abuser. This can happen particularly when there's the 'nasty then nice' cycle of abuse.

Dittany, it's ridiculous for you to claim that Pizzey ignores the need for many women to escape their abusers. You do know that she played an intrumental role in setting up shelters, don't you?

Ooeer ! Ladies !
I dont want to get involved in arguments but the addiction to abuse is a bit puzzling. Ive been married to a jerk, and i do agree that at times it can feel like an addiction, but to that person, not to the abuse itself , i read something about traumatic bonding that seemed to make sense at the time.

Also despite the fact hes a jerk, we often still love them , isnt loving someone a sort of addiction ?

I reckon, Dignified. Unfortunately!

I do agree that for some people the whoe 'drama' of an abusive relationship can become a bit addictive. Particularly if the victim was (for whatever reason) dependent on others' approval or a bit of an attention seeker before entering into the abusive relationship. There is also a certain amount of cultural bullshit which may lead to some people believing that a moderately abusive relationship is 'real' love ie the couple are 'special' and 'live life at a higher level than others' and deep passionate love has to feature a certain amount of crockery-smashing and assaults otherwise it's just 'boring'.
Again, this DOES NOT JUSTIFY THE ABUSE. The abusive behaviour is still the sole responsibility of the abuser.

Absolutely, SolidGoldBrass. The victim is never to blame. But the dynamic in the relationship can sometimes be dysfunctional in both directions.

There are many people who post stuff I disagree with. The only poster who makes me feel scared to post is Dittany. You remind me of the two people who have abused me. One was a woman and one was a man.

Their barely suppressed anger and constant aggression meant I avoided confronting them because I did not feel up to the consequent attack. Dittany - you make me feel the same way. You talk about misogynists but you are the person who on this forum exudes most aggression towards other female posters whilst purporting to support. You chase down and tie up in knots and make angry dismissive belittling posts. Your reaction is always angry and always emotional.

(I'm expecting my previous posts to be analysed to look for an angle to beat me with)

Why are you so angry with other women? as well as men?

You really do remind me of the characteristics of both the controlling manipulative aggressive bullies in my life. Both of them claimed a moral high ground whilst behaving in an abusive way. They couldn't be confronted easily because of their moral high ground. They acted firmly and fast and squashed any voice against theirs. Theirs was the only correct view on life.....and they dominated any discussion until theirs was the only voice heard

I was chatting to a policeman yesterday about DV and his frustration was with the fact that often their efforts to imprison men was thwarted by women. It wasn't blame of those women - it was genuine frustration and he discussed the police's efforts to get around this and help those women. Not all men and not all police fit the statement 'The truth is that they don't really want to help women who are victims of violence and then want to blame them when they get hurt.'

Dits: "you make the argument personal about me by trying to imply that the only way I would be justified in making my arguments is if I volunteer for Women's Aid."

Oh, that's bollocks Dittany. You know fine well I was saying that your understanding of domestic violence is limited to the political. And my suggestion was genuine - as I said when I made it, you're highly invested in the issue: have you ever thought of volunteering to help?

Victoria, well said brave girl. I shouldn't think I'm alone in sharing your feelings.

I'm not trying to discredit you, Dits; I often agree with your pov and don't really give a stuff about your forum reputation, or even if you have one. In this topic, I've tried to express different perspectives on the issue and you've responded aggressively. Afaics you haven't discussed anything, just kept banging home your individual view!

When you insist on pushing your viewpoint as better / more valid / more important than others, it's generally considered a good idea to support that view with some qualification - as this is a Relationships forum, the qualification would normally be some personal experience. I've made mine clear; so have several others; Erin Pizzey ran the refuge program. Even if you don't approve of her methods, it's obvious she has scads of personal experience.

Whereas you've said you did Womens Studies. As someone who's lived with DV and workplace bullying from birth to 45, it's quite upsetting (to put it mildly) when you insist that your Womens Studies trumps my life.

Throughout this thread I have felt bullied by you. Whether you think you're bullying me, or not, is immaterial because your opinion cannot change my feeling. I'm a long way after the first poster on Mumsnet to feel bullied by you. It's unlikely I shall be the last, though that would be nice.

You like to support the underdog in general, particularly when the underdog is a woman. You display zero tolerance for bullying when it's done by others. Perhaps it'd be a good idea to review your own communications style, from the perspective that so many women feel bullied by you.

I don't share your enthusiasm for counting other people's posts, so I have no idea whether the above is a new member or an old-timer.

What's an MRA?