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Original poster

Playfighting going too far

120 replies

secunda · 27/05/2010 12:25

DP has always said that he would stop if he was doing something sex-wise that I didn't like, and this is generally true. However, he doesn't seem to realise that it's just as important with playfighting. A few times now, he has got carried away playfighting (wrestling, tickling, biting) and not stopped despite me yelling at him. He only stops when I burst into tears out of frustration. But then he feels so bad afterwards that it really casts a shadow, sometimes for days, and I end up being the one feeling guilty. Recently he criticised me for 'having a go' about it, I think he felt I was overreacting, even though I tried to explain patiently that he probably didn't realise his own strength, etc. It feels like I am being 'punished' for saying something.

It really bothered me for a couple of weeks afterwards, and brought back the anxiety I suffer from sometimes. I also wondered a bit whether it was my fault, as I have let him know that I quite like him to take control in sex, although I NEVER say no when I don't mean it, so I don't see the need for a safe word or anything.

He always says it won't happen again, but sooner or later it does. He is very lovely in all other ways.

OP posts:
EleanorHandbasket · 27/05/2010 12:28

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EleanorHandbasket · 27/05/2010 12:29

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violetbat · 27/05/2010 12:32

He is abusive

ABatInBunkFive · 27/05/2010 12:34

'DP has always said that he would stop if he was doing something sex-wise that I didn't like, and this is generally true'

??

Original poster
secunda · 27/05/2010 12:47

Do most people really not playfight?

Re the 'generally' comment, pretty much 100% of the time he does. There was just this one thing (don't want to name it) that he used to do and then once he said 'You don't really like it, do you?' and I said no. He said 'You must tell if you don't like something!' but then a while later he did it again, I think he forgot. That's the only reason I said 'generally'.

I can't believe he really wants to hurt me, he is very lovely in all other ways, interested in my interests, supportive of career. Also he is quite happy to not have sex if I don't want to.

We've been together a couple of years, but it is mostly long(ish) distance due to work.

OP posts:
1footinfront · 27/05/2010 12:51

I dont think most people do, no.

a bit of tickling, fairly normal.

Bursting into tears? Sorry I dont think this is normal at all. Im no expert, but Ive never heard of anyone crying in the bedroom and it being ok

If you are crying, what is playful about it?

Is it just "fighting" ???

EleanorHandbasket · 27/05/2010 12:55

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FabIsGoingToGetFit · 27/05/2010 12:55

DH and I have never play fought and never would. What is the point? For a laugh? Better ways for that imo.

You need to talk to him seriously as this doesn't sound great and you sound defensive.

WombFrootShoot · 27/05/2010 12:58

The only person I ever "playfought" with (as an adult) was an abusive arsehole. The play-fighting was a pre-cursor to the real violence.

He bit my nose in a playfight once. It was agonisingly painful.

He tried to push me out of a moving car once because my skirt blew up while I was getting money out of a cash machine.

I have never put up with anything like that again. (All this was 20 years ago)

Adults don't playfight. It's not normal.

ABatInBunkFive · 27/05/2010 12:58

I'm not sure that i can call someone who repeatedly makes their partner cry, then makes them feel guilty for it, lovely.

ABatInBunkFive · 27/05/2010 13:00

My BF and her DH playfight, neither has ever made the other cry. Each to their own and all that, but there are limits and he is crossing them all over the place.

minipie · 27/05/2010 13:02

Hmmm. We might "playfight" occasionally (tickling, mock wrestling etc) but if I were ever to say "Stop it I don't like that", DH would stop dead and apologise.

It would never get to the point of me having to yell at him, never mind burst into tears.

I am not one to yell "abuser" but, being honest, I think it's a really big problem if your DP won't stop when you tell him to. And it's also a problem that he makes you feel bad about saying you don't like it.

I don't really know what to suggest to be honest.

malinkey · 27/05/2010 13:04

By the way, when did your anxiety start? Was it since you met DP?

madonnawhore · 27/05/2010 13:08

OP that's not normal behaviour at all. My DP and I occasionally playfight over the remote control or the last malteser or something silly like that, but it never lasts more than a minute or so and he never ever would hurt me even if it was 'only playing'. Neither would he continue doing anything physical to me if I ask him to stop.

It really worries me as well that he seems to be punishing you for telling him you don't like it. You say "it really casts a shadow, sometimes for days, and I end up being the one feeling guilty. Recently he criticised me for 'having a go' about it". There's nothing to criticise you for - it's your body, if you don't like what's being done to it you absolutely have the right to say so and that's the end of it. You don't have to compromise your physical boundaries in any way just so you don't spoil his fun.

I'd be rethinking whether this was the right trelationship for me if I were you.

Bucharest · 27/05/2010 13:17

Playfighting is an oxymoron in my book.

But, if low level violence in bed is what takes your fancy, then fair enough. But secunda, that's not what your husband is doing.

ChickenPsyc · 27/05/2010 13:21

DP and I playfight, it started quite innocently and has in the past few months got to the point where he punches me quite hard in the arms and legs and yesterday stabbed me with some keys. If I show I'm hurt he immediately apologises and says he didn't mean to but I'm starting to wonder. I've now stopped flayfighting with him so everytime he hits me, I'm going to tell him to stop it and he can't use the excuse "but you do it too" because I don't anymore.

CheekyPinkSox · 27/05/2010 13:21

I know what you mean secunda. Me and DH playfight with towels sometimes, wrap them round and rouhnd and whip each other with it, but it only lasts 5 minutes. But if you dont like it dont do it.

EleanorHandbasket · 27/05/2010 13:37

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Original poster
secunda · 27/05/2010 13:38

I don't think he means to make me feel guilty for it - it's more that he genuinely feels bad, so if he's (accidentally) made me cry I get days of 'Will you ever forgive me?' and him worrying and fretting, which makes me feel bad because he's feeling bad. This has only happened about 4 times in the whole relationship, but most recently a couple of weeks ago. That affected me most because he did it twice in about 20 minutes, i.e. did something playfighty, I said stop it, he didn't, then burst into tears. Then when I'd stopped crying and was trying to explain, he tried to give me a big joky hug and squeezed too hard, so it happened again.

He does stop because of my reactions, but I think it takes him a while to realise that I'm not just giggling hysterically, and I feel really powerless even though it's only for a few seconds. He would never do anything like punching (chickenpsyc, I would wonder about your DP too) - it's more stuff that is fine at one level, but gets painful if you take it to the next, like tickling, nibbling or squeezing.

I think maybe I have problems with my own boundaries, i.e. I will push them because I think he is enjoying it and I can 'cope', and don't want to be boring.

I have had on-off problems with anxiety since I was a teenager, so it's not caused by him.

OP posts:
FluffyDonkey · 27/05/2010 13:41

DP and I playfight. It always starts and mostly ends with us giggling. I thought it was quite normal.

Once in a while he goes overboard because he doesn't know his own strength and we both do martial arts so I think he thinks I can take it. However when I tell him sharply that he is hurting me (usually because he is gripping my wrists and I'm twisting to get away - he NEVER punches or kicks me) he stops immediately, we have a kiss and a cuddle and all is well. Mainly it consists of chasing each other around our ridiculously small flat trying to tickle each other.

If you're not happy with it at any point then it needs to stop.

A housemate used to playfight with her DP. It ended up with her flat on her back, and him with his foot on her throat, pushing down whilst she was crying, until we all arrived home and pushed him off her. There is a difference between playfighting between two consenting adults, and one adult using the situation to dominate the other.

amylyons · 27/05/2010 13:43

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malinkey · 27/05/2010 13:44

If he genuinely felt bad, don't you think he would stop as soon as you asked him to? And certainly don't you think that he wouldn't do something again that has on more than one occasion in the past made you cry? Doesn't sound very nice to me.

I think if you start feeling anxious after one of these episodes then that anxiety very probably is caused by him (even if you have experienced anxiety before you met him).

piratecat · 27/05/2010 13:46

weird, sorry op, it's too weird and makes for scary reading.

so he hurts you intentionally, then gets you to feel sorry for him or feel guilty when he has to repeatedly ask for your forgiveness.

what can i say. evryone will go 'leave' but honestly, you need to think about how this is making you feel, and how crazy it sounds.

flooziesusie · 27/05/2010 13:48

Me and my dh playfight and have a right laugh, so imo 'grown-ups' do do it. My mum and dad, and my best mate and her other half have a giggle too - that much I know. To me it's a part of the fun we can have together. (Not all of us together you understand)

The problem is he is not listening to you; and perhaps mildly enjoying your discomfort? Not a nice place to be, I hope you get it sorted.

Original poster
secunda · 27/05/2010 13:49

amylyons that sounds horrible.

The stuff you describe couldn't be described as 'fun' at all, it's just abusive. the spitting thing is vile. He should think badly of himself.

With my DP I feel it's more that it's a joke gone too far, and he's not very good at seeing when it has. His most frequent response is 'I'm sorry...but I didn't mean to.' He thinks that because he didn't mean to I shouldn't be so upset. He is a big guy and I am a little seven stone person, so I don't think he realises that things will feel more painful to me.

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