Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Playfighting going too far

120 replies

secunda · 27/05/2010 12:25

DP has always said that he would stop if he was doing something sex-wise that I didn't like, and this is generally true. However, he doesn't seem to realise that it's just as important with playfighting. A few times now, he has got carried away playfighting (wrestling, tickling, biting) and not stopped despite me yelling at him. He only stops when I burst into tears out of frustration. But then he feels so bad afterwards that it really casts a shadow, sometimes for days, and I end up being the one feeling guilty. Recently he criticised me for 'having a go' about it, I think he felt I was overreacting, even though I tried to explain patiently that he probably didn't realise his own strength, etc. It feels like I am being 'punished' for saying something.

It really bothered me for a couple of weeks afterwards, and brought back the anxiety I suffer from sometimes. I also wondered a bit whether it was my fault, as I have let him know that I quite like him to take control in sex, although I NEVER say no when I don't mean it, so I don't see the need for a safe word or anything.

He always says it won't happen again, but sooner or later it does. He is very lovely in all other ways.

OP posts:
WombFrootShoot · 27/05/2010 13:50

My mouth is hanging open at amylyons' post.

(Uh, that's not your actual real name is it? you might want to change that if that's the case)

Fucking Hell.

malinkey · 27/05/2010 13:54

Secunda if he didn't mean to he wouldn't do it again... and again.

posieparker · 27/05/2010 14:01

amylyons....why are you together?

OP. He sounds like a dickhead.

Chickenpsych. You need to kick your DH out.

Malificence · 27/05/2010 14:06

Jesus amylyons, I don't often call men abusive bastards on here but I'm making an exception for yours!

Secunda, it sounds like you need a serious talk with him, if he's hurting you and won't stop, he's behaving badly, at the very least it's a form of bullying and is unacceptable, but, you need to be clear - if you laugh or go along with it I can understand if he gets confused because of the mixed messages.

If an adult can't control what they do in that situation, it's quite worrying.

Original poster
secunda · 27/05/2010 14:10

Malificence, I think you may be right about the mixed messages. Although I do think that no means no and stop means stop. I feel a bit like it's my fault because in the past I've been OK with being tied up and gently 'dominated' in bed. But it's only fun when there's absolute trust. I have the feeling that I may have to eradicate all ambiguous behaviour and just be totally vanilla in order for him to get the message. But I also worry that he might find this boring.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 27/05/2010 14:16

Better he finds it boring than you find it scary and uncomfortable.

You need to redraw the boundaries and if this means being vanilla in bed then that is absolutely your right. If he finds it boring, tell him to get lost. You compromised your boundaries and personal tastes in the interest of experimentation but now you've decided maybe it's not for you and it's his turn to compromise in order to accommodate your needs.

If he can't do this then he's only concerned with his own pleasure and getting his own way. He sounds like a bit of a sadist tbh. S&M relationships can work, but only if both people consent and respect one another's boundaries. He's not respecting yours right now.

LadyBiscuit · 27/05/2010 14:22

ChickenPsyc - he punches you in the arms and legs and stabs you with keys??

And Amylyons - fucking hell

Actually at this whole thread

Malificence · 27/05/2010 14:29

So is the play fighting part of sex play or a seperate thing? I imagined it was not a sexual thing tbh.

Do you think he has a fetish for this that has got out of hand maybe?

I don't see why you would have to be vanilla in bed ( unless you want to of course) to make him stop hurting you at other times.

belgo · 27/05/2010 14:30

Very sad thread, and Amylyons I'm very concerned that your dh abuses your dd in this way. You need to think of your dd's safety and wellbeing.

Original poster
secunda · 27/05/2010 14:53

Malificence, I'm not sure. It doesn't happen during sex, but I can't be sure it's not sexually motivated as it's close physical contact between people who fancy each other.

When we met he claimed he didn't have any fetishes, but the tying up thing started when he saw scarves hanging off my bedposts and got the idea. I don't mind being tied up, find it a bit annoying if my nose itches but that's it. I am quite sexually inexperienced, so have tended to like the ideas of things (like being tied up) more than the experiences. I also have asked him to tell me what to do in bed (meaning tell me how he likes things done) because of my inexperience. I think maybe he is making a link between these vaguely S&M mixed-message things and the playfighting, and that's why he doesn't stop right away/keeps doing it.

So I feel like I have to take these things out of our sex and maybe he will get more used to no means no.

In the past he has also done things like come in me when I didn't want him to (just had coil fitted) but I didn't think it was a big deal and let it go.

I think re the playfighting I have an oversensitised fight-or-flight response, so maybe I do 'overreact' a bit. I developed quite bad anxiety after the last incidence, and when I felt panicky it was always the feeling of helplessness that came back, and I felt like no one cared. Recently I have also had recurrent nightmares about being raped (not by DP) so I think it really does have to stop, even if he thinks it's boring.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 27/05/2010 14:54

secunda

As I see it you have two options

1/stop it all together, no instigation on either partners part.

or

2/ You have a safe word, that means everything stops immediately, that will stop the misreading of body language etc.

posieparker · 27/05/2010 15:09

secunda.....I think you should talk to someone, any professional. You are still blaming yourself for his behaviour. I have never heard of an 'over sensitive flight or flight response. You cannot over react when you are doing something with someone that you are supposed to be enjoying.

I have rough sex sometimes, doesn't mean I want DH to come home and slap my arse when I'm packing the dishwasher.

Malificence · 27/05/2010 15:34

The plain truth is that you don't have the trust and respect within this relationship that is necessary for an equal partnership of this kind.

The fact that he is doing things that you specifically asked him not to do, is a bad sign and is very worrying.

He ought to be able to comprehend that just because you might like a bit of rough sex, that doesn't automatically mean he can be rough with you all the time.

analytic · 27/05/2010 15:39

I have rough sex sometimes, doesn't mean I want DH to come home and slap my arse when I'm packing the dishwasher

...hmmmmmmmmmmm...

amylyons · 27/05/2010 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SolidGoldBrass · 27/05/2010 15:49

Amylyons: of course your poor DD's anorexia is to do with her father's ABUSE of her.
NOw I am going to be very harsh here but you seem to be in absolute denial of how bad your sitiation is.
There is a very , very strong chance that your partner is or has been sexually abusing your daughter as well as abusing you. If not for your own sake, for your daughter's sake call Women's AId and get this awful man out of your lives - and hopefully into a police cell.

Secunda: playfighting of this kind is abusive, it's about 'training' you to believe that you deserve to be mistreated, that your opinions don't matter, and you are just an object the abuser can do what he likes with. Unfortunately it's going to get steadily worse until you get rid of him.
If you are interested in BDSM I suggest you check out websites such as Informed Consent or LondonFetishScene for information on how to enjoy kinky sex with a partner who respects you and is not an arsehole.

Malificence · 27/05/2010 15:59

You're not lucky Amy, your husband sounds like a hideous bully.
Controlling and abusive, what a charmer.

You've been married for 18 years and he's never put his arm around you and hasn't kissed you in 12 years? You no longer have sex either? What a miserable and lonely existance.

I've been married for 25 years, the first thing my DH does in the morning on waking is reach for me to give me a cuddle and/or a kiss , that's what a normal marriage looks like, he would crawl over broken glass for me or our DD and wouldn't hurt either of us for the world - he puts us first at all times. That's what a decent man does.

Original poster
secunda · 27/05/2010 16:02

I agree with SGB about amylyons situation. How can holding you down and pretending to spit on you be meant as a joke!? It seems like he does it all the time, preventing you from going about your normal business. I suspect your DD's anorexia is connected - I have eating issues sometimes and it is very closely connected with control and also stress making me lose my appetite.

Re my DP.... I don't know. This has only happened about 4 times in 2 years, although 3 of them have been in the last 2 months come to think of it... He is lovely in all other ways, very affectionate and interested in my life.

OP posts:
Malificence · 27/05/2010 16:03

I thought I was over reacting and being slightly hysterical to wonder about amylyons husband and his attitude towards his DD. SGB has voiced what I was thinking.
I feel sick now.

Bucharest · 27/05/2010 16:26

Dear God.

Amylyons, as others have said, change your id if that is your real name and then call Women's Aid. For your sake and your daughter's.

uggmum · 27/05/2010 16:34

I don't want to upset you but in the 20 years that we have been together I have never had a playfight with my dh.

It is concerning that he is not listening to you until you are in tears.

I would prob try to set some boundaries with him or avoid getting into a playfight situation

ItsGraceAgain · 27/05/2010 16:36

I was thinking of writing this on another thread today, but it's going here instead. One of the sanest, nicest men I know schocked me during a conversation about why so many men like tiny women. He said: "It's very common for a certain type of man to enjoy the fantasy of splitting a woman with their cock. They like to feel they're such 'big men' they could literally fuck her to death." I don't need to tell you what kind of man he was taking about.

Amy: I'm afraid I agree with SGB as well. This is very serious. How old was your daughter when he stopped having sex with you? When did her eating disorder start?

wahwah · 27/05/2010 16:42

I think Amylon, that you are faking to protect your daughter from abusive behaviour.

OP, I don't get the sense that your dp is as far off the scale, but you do need to be crystal clear about your boundaries and KEEP to them. Re sex. You didn't say that your dp was ever submissive to you and if you don't take turns, whose wish is this? I don't want to know- more a question for you to answer for yourself.

Malificence · 27/05/2010 16:42

Amy has posted in the teenager forums about her husband's "treatment" of their DDs, her comments about him don't do anything to put my mind at rest.

Not letting the 13 year old go until she's given him a cuddle and let him pinch her bum?
Creeping into her bedroom early in the morning to lie on her bed?

13 Year old girls are ultra sensitive at that age, innapropriate is an understatement for his behaviour.

Creepy and very wrong.

wahwah · 27/05/2010 16:43

That should be failing to protect.