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Original poster

Sex before marriage

287 replies

toonosy · 13/05/2010 13:25

This is really nosy...but was wondering if anyone actually waits until they are married before having sex these days?

Me and DH waited, we were together almost 6 years before we married. Our decision was for religious reasons, however I can't bring myself to ask my RL friends their opinions on this!

Would love to hear what everyone thinks, was going to put this in Religion but thought I'd get more responses here.

OP posts:
Malificence · 13/05/2010 15:38

LWW, I certainly don't feel like I've missed out, I can't imagine having fabulous sex with anyone else, after 28 years together, we know each other's bodies like our own and there's no such thing as bad or ill advised sex.

MarthaLovesMatthew · 13/05/2010 15:42

I didn't wait and I actually really regret it. But that could just be a big dose of Catholic guilt!

I'm really quite envious of people who do wait until they're married. So good on you OP. It must be really special to have your first time on your wedding night. At least that's how I imagine it must be.

LittleWhiteWolf · 13/05/2010 15:43

StarExpat Thats terrible! Some people are total tools.

I would never judge someone for having multiple partners, so why should someone judge me for having just one?

DH and I are perfectly satisfied thankyouverymuch!

Original poster
toonosy · 13/05/2010 15:48

Wow, went to sort kids out and came back to all these responses.

Promise I'm not a journo, it's a genuine question.

KRH yes a bit sad I obviously haven't managed to find a group of friends I can talk about this with.

My understanding of the Bible is that sex is a gift from God and should be enjoyed, but because it is such a privelege there are strict rules about it.

I think the celibacy question in Paul's letters related to single (meaning unmarried) people? As I understand it he's saying that some people can handle being celibate, but if you can't handle it then it's better to get married.

The reason I raised the issue of "rules" (purplepony said brainwashing) is that I feel so many people see Christianity as a set of rules to be followed, which it isn't at all. Certain issues, such as sex before marriage seem to be one of the big issues but I don't see why it should be all that different from other things we try not to do, like gossiping for example.

OP posts:
purplepeony · 13/05/2010 15:51

OP- I thought religion meant you had a choice not that it was prescriptive?

Original poster
toonosy · 13/05/2010 15:51

Martha, actually we didn't do anything on the wedding night!

Too knackered. I know, how depressing.

But honeymoon was fun.

OP posts:
Original poster
toonosy · 13/05/2010 15:52

Well yes you always have a choice.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansmistress · 13/05/2010 16:30

My best mate intended to wait but ended up getting pregnant at 17...lol. Anyway she married him and they were together for 10 years. Sadly split a year ago and she is just testing the waters with new men. She has been sadly disappointed so far and realises that although they weren't compatible in lots of ways, sexually they were and she would not have missed out on a thing had they not split up. I have another friend who has only slept with her DH, together since 18 so not because they waited, just circumstance. She also feels just fine having missed out on casual sex.

For me, that was a fun stage of my life but I wouldn't say that anyone who has only had one partner is necessarily missing out.

Gracie123 · 13/05/2010 16:36

TBH I think waiting for us was the right decision. I have no-one to compare DH to and vice versa, so I don't really know what this 'compatible' thing is about.

Surely you can only think your sex life is bad enough for divorce if you have experienced something else?

I also think it's interesting that people think a marriage should be based on whether you are sexually compatible or not. I was abused as a kid and had some issues to deal with when we got married, and someone put it to DH like this - If Gracie123 is never ready to sleep with you, would you still marry her? DH decided that he wanted to be with me and only me, even if that meant being celebate for the rest of his life (lucky for him that didn't happen!!)

I think you marry someone for lots of reasons, not least of which who they are, not just because they are good in the sack.

Maybe that's why so many marriages break up, because peoples expectations of marriage are just about sex, not about relationship.

Original poster
toonosy · 13/05/2010 16:43

More people than I expected are answering that they waited - shows what I know...

I think Gracie123 has a point. I wanted to marry my DH full-stop. I did find him physically attractive (and still do) so I hoped that would help us afterwards!

OP posts:
TabithaTwitchet · 13/05/2010 16:45

DH and I waited. And we didn't live together before we got married either. We did get married quite young though - 23 and 24.

At the time it was important to both of us to wait. Now I think it's not really a big deal. But I am certainly glad I don't have anyone else to compare DH to, and he has nobody to compare me to either.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 13/05/2010 16:51

I have one friend who I think waited until they were married. Sadly after 20 years of marriage he has left her and is shacked up with some blonde in very short skirts and from a photo I've seen of them together there is no way he is waiting in his current relationship.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/05/2010 18:15

Well, waiting works for some people, but it very demonstrably doesn't for others. A lot of men, in particular, who want to marry a virgin, want to marry a virgin becuase they themselves are lazy, selfish sexual partners and hope that a virgin won't know any better. If couples wait but once they get started they are prepared to learn together and discuss sex (oh, and they are both psychologically suited as well, etc etc) then they might do just fine. Or not.
ON the other hand, people who believe the superstitous nonsense that waiting is in some way morally superior very often make apocalyptically ill-advised marriages simply because they are so desperate for sex (or at least one partner is), then either the sex is crap and gets no better becauase one partner was never very interested anyway, or they are massively incompatible or they married far too young to have worked out who they were in any sense.

I absolutely hate and despise the Silver RIng and the other abstinence movements, by the way. They are revolting misogynistic creepy bullshit and do a lot of harm.

Gracie123 · 13/05/2010 18:25

Have to say I find the silver ring movement a little cheesey, but I wouldn't begrudge DH buying one for DD if she ever wanted one.

I also think wearing it as a badge of honour is a bit snobby/morally superior/not very christian at all. It also puts undue pressure on teens who have messed up to feel like they can't start again or that now they are not a virgin there no point trying to maintain abstinence anymore. It's a very unforgiving attitude and that's why I don't like it.

I guess the reason I don't like the phrase 'sexually compatible' is I can't help thinking that in 50 years time me and DH will be wrinkly and probably not very attractive, so our marriage needs to be built on something else. Otherwise he will end up running off with the slutty younger blonde in the short skirt after 20 years!!

I agree that there is a horrible culture in some religions of a girl being 'spoilt' if she isn't a virgin (but doesn't seem to apply to men?) which is outrageous.

purplepeony · 13/05/2010 18:42

Gracie sexual incompatability is possible - I know!
I once had a boyfriend who was a lot older than me- almost 15 years- and he was still a virgin when we met, and he was 35.

I was his first and it was soon apparent that he had deep psychosexual issues which was one of the reasons he had held back til he was 35! In his case, upbringing and religion were two factors as well- he felt huge guilt.

Our relationship was serious- we wanted to get married- and although we had counselling he couldn't relate tome sexually after things had gone wrong the first few times.

Sadly we parted after 5 years of a celibate relationship.

Now it could be argued that had we not had sex before marriage all may have been well. But I don't think so- his issues were quite deep.

Sexual incompatability also exists when libidos differ- as the many posts here often reveal- and marriages end because of that.

IMO I think sex is something you need to "try for size" befoe you commit to someone, as it is just as important as emotional and intellectual compatability.

allsweetness · 13/05/2010 19:18

Message deleted

dizietsma · 13/05/2010 19:30

Think waiting until you're married is silly. DH and I were at immediately. I (and he) were certainly not virgins when we met! Still together 10 years on, still loving sex.

I don't think it's made sex between us less special, or made the first time less special. The first time with a new partner is always special, and IME usually pretty rubbish compared with sex you have later in your relationship.

I find it illogical that people who have only had sex with their spouses think they can make a judgement on that. How can you know it's any more special if you wait, if you've never tried it differently? But then, I suppose logic and faith are hardly correlated.

purplepeony · 13/05/2010 19:59

Agree.

it's a bit like saying "This is the best ice cream in the world" when it's the only ice cream you have had!

Maybe you cannot imagine a nicer ice cream- but how will you know until you try another type?

I don't think anyone who has had "just" one partner is qualified to say "This is the best".

Malificence · 13/05/2010 20:24

"Mal
Sorry, I really don't mean to be offensive, but your statement, really is shocking. No wonder we have the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe."

What absolute garbage! My DD is now 20 years old, no pregnancies, no STDs, excellent self esteem, thank you very much. She has been taught about responsibility and safe sex and relationships.

Me and DH were having sex at 16/17, married at 18/19 and had DD at 24 and we have now been togehter for 28 years, so what exactly is your ignorant statement supposed to "prove"?

Do you really think your kids won't be having sex that young?

PP, I can say with absolute certainty that my DH is the "best" for me, sex could never be the same with anyone else, having only one partner doesn't mean you don't know what great sex is.

megapixels · 13/05/2010 20:29

I don't think many people actually care if there are better ice cream around if you've found the icecream (person) that you love. Unless you're going to have sex with all the men on earth no one is qualified to say "This is the best" really .

allsweetness · 13/05/2010 20:33

Message deleted

beccas · 13/05/2010 20:33

I am now very curious about the 'other side' just as you are toonosy....
So while you waited 8 years, did you do everything BUT penetrative sex - with hands and mouths etc reaching orgasm? Or was your abstinence just that in every sense?
And did you not live together either as that would in my eyes be impossible!
I actually have some christian friends and would never dream of asking them this stuff but they are in your camp - abstinence. Actually, one of them even reclaimed his virginity with some sort of ritual!

Malificence · 13/05/2010 20:43

The reason that this country is in such a mess is down to our frankly useless sex education system and the "chav" and benefits culture.

Treating my sensible and mature DD as the adult she was/is, is not forcing her into having sex, what an utterly inane thing to say.

It's the kids with no moral framework / family support/ sensible sex education etc. who are pregnant at 15!

My DD is at Uni, has a job and is training to be a Maths teacher - yes, we've done a really poor job of parenting her!

allsweetness · 13/05/2010 20:48

Message deleted

Malificence · 13/05/2010 20:56

I would have felt totally hypocritical banning DD from having her boyfriend to stay when she was 16/almost 17 - if me and her dad were emotionally mature enough to be having sex at that age, it's only fair we should afford her the same maturity.

She had been with him since the age of 14, it's not like she was bringing multiple strangers home.