Sex before marriage

[toonosy]

This is really nosy...but was wondering if anyone actually waits until they are married before having sex these days?

Me and DH waited, we were together almost 6 years before we married. Our decision was for religious reasons, however I can't bring myself to ask my RL friends their opinions on this!

Would love to hear what everyone thinks, was going to put this in Religion but thought I'd get more responses here.

I waited to have sex with dh until we were married. By the time we had sex, we knew each other well, liked each other and loved each other.
Sex was difficult to begin with, partly due to problems with splitting foreskin during sex. We worked at it, got to know each other in an intimate way and now things are fab. Developing and growing in the bedroom still.
I do think sex in a realtionship is important but I also think that love and friendship is more important.
Things change, stuff happens. What happens if due to health problems your sex life can't continue the way it has, would you leave? What about an accident causing a sexless marriage, would you leave? If you both wanted to, but due to circumstances you couldn't and all else was good with the marriage, would you leave?
Maybe, when you get to know someone and develop feelings for them, you are more willing to work at all areas of a relationship.
I never know how to explain this and it always ends up coming out wrong but I've had a go.

I have to agree with Mal,
I didn't wait and dh was allowed to sleep in my room and I was allowed to sleep with him at his house,

BUT we waited until we were married to have unprotected sex, my parents approved of us living together before we were married but know they would never have approved of us having a baby out of wedlock

That's a really good point, SiriusStar.

I could never be someone who had multiple partners or had casual sex with someone I don't really love. I don't think I should be judged for that. And, I think I'm perfectly "qualified" (to answer whomever said that upthread), to say that my ice cream is "the best" for me. I don't like the idea of someone telling me that I need to have shagged around more in order for my opinions on my own sex life in my marriage to be "accurate".

Well obviously I am friends with and in love with DH, no reason why you can't have that and have sex before marriage is there?

I'm all too aware that one day health problems may prevent us from having sex again. I hope that wont happen, and I will be sad about it if it does, but am sure that our relationship will continue as strong as ever. Sex is one expression of our love, but not the only one! I think that to conclude that because we had sex before marriage we can't express love any other way than sex is ridiculous.

Interesting thread..DW & I met at Uni (not same one!) in 1st year - managed to wait untll we both had graduated before going the whole way - but we gradually worked up to it during previous years! Never allowed to sleep together at PIl until we were married.

Have friends who have a DS1 same age as ours, our friends let him have his GF over at weekends etc. DW & I discusing recently and our view is that stil too young and thats what you go away from home to do. Guess you can say its a bit naive and not sure what will happen once he goes away so maybe stil theoretical for now if he does want to bring someone home. Maybe all his other DS' would put them off - when DS 2 had a friend over for a sleep over DS4 (5) became his best buddy.

Summary, we think that having a relationship before about 18 or so is not really necessary and its putting pressure on young ones to grow up too quickly and there's plenty of time to find out about that in a few years when ready.

Although we did wait months before sleeping together,
we both knew we were going to marry each other, and niether of us feel like we've missed out and are definitely "qualified"

"I don't like the idea of someone telling me that I need to have shagged around more in order for my opinions on my own sex life in my marriage to be "accurate". "

I don't think you have to have shagged around to be happy in your sex life with your only partner, but I think you have a very limited authority to comment on whether or not sex before marriage is a good idea. You have very little experience to speak from, so how can you judge others on any basis other than your personal morals?

I can judge whether or not sex before marriage has affected my sex life for the better or worse because I've experienced it. You have nothing to compare with, so are too inexperience to judge.

Not judging anyone. Not at all. And not even commenting on whether or not sex before marriage is a good idea. I just didn't want someone telling me I was not qualified to say that I think my sex life is the best it can be. Because, for me, it is.

I can judge my own sex life, thank you very much. No one can tell me that I'm "too inexperienced" or "unqualified" to judge that. I'm the judge of my own sex life. No one else.

"Mal- do you encourage your DD to follow in your footsteps regardless of what you did as a teenager, whether it iwas, with hindsight- right or wrong?"

Well as I was a military wife living in Germany at DD's age and she is at Uni studying to become a teacher, then it's fairly obvious, No?

The only thing we encourage her to do is be herself, an independant young woman with her head screwed on. She is very like me, headstrong, determined and sure of her own mind - I was quite capable of making life changing decisions at 18/19/20, I afford her the same courtesy.

We faced huge hurdles, to marrying young, from DH's family mainly - actually we only married in order to live together, at that time ( early 80's) you couldn't live with a partner ( if you were in the forces) if you weren't married!
I wouldn't change anything about my adult life, none of my decisions have been "wrong" - we had a fabulous life as newlyweds , seen and done things most people never get the chance to do - I always feel that people (on here) think I haven't had much of a "life" for marrying young etc. when in fact the opposite is true.

Mal- are you taking the "follow in your footsteps" comment literally- or can you perhaps see it as applying to more than just a career choice?

You seem unable to see the other side at times! I was not saying your DD should do the same work as you- I was asking if we should never discourage our children from doing things which we did yet see with hindsight to be wrong.

If, for example, your daughter had been dumped by her boyfriend in the middle of her A levels, and you had "encouraged" or validated their relationship by allowing them to have sex in your home, and given a passing teenage romance the same credibility as a more mature relationship, would you not have felt any regret, and possibly wished you had advised her to wait until she was older before having sex?

No one is saying that because you married young you have not had an interesting life- but you cannot deny that you have not experienced the range of emotions and experiences that some other people have in terms of personal relationships.
The forces life is very different and it is also very insular. Yes, you have emotions to cope with that are unique to that kind of life, but it is still nevertheless a different way of life.

Getting back to the original post- I think it is an individual choice and it's one that is not relevant to me any more re. children as my children are adults.

For an adult, sex before marriage is a personal choice, but as a parent Iwould not have wanted my children having sex with a series of girls/boys whilst still living at home, in my house. Just not comfortable enough with that.

Sex is the most natural thing, I really am at a loss why people make such a big deal out of it.It's a physical act, used for pleasure and to procreate, why do people need to assign more importance to it than that, I don't understand.

I happened to be in a few long monogamous relationships, so I didn't get a chance to sleep with lots of people, but if I haven't been, then I'm sure the count would higher.

I slept with DP on a third date. We have a DD now and are getting married soon. I intend to make sure both DS and DD are well informed about STDs etc and not interfere with their sex lives.Drinking and smoking are, obviously, another matter.

I don't think of either way as "higher". one, few or many partners... none of that makes a person or a relationship better or higher or more anything than any other.

Different strokes for different folks

im offended by allsweetness comments and they werent even aimed at me.

also sex at a younger age brings higher risk of cervical cancer?
hmm, sounds like a very clever deterrant, but if anybody would like to point me towards aticles that verify this...

personally, i was happy to have my DD and DS have boyfriends/girlfriends stay over at 16.
-age of consent
-16 year olds arent stupid, and yes, i would rather their sexual experiences be in a bed than in a field, who wouldnt?
-my kids are very comfortable with sex and have been well educated on it [i personally feel that 'use a condom' and 'only do it in a commited relationship' isnt enough sex education, so i've mentioned things in passing and we discuss it. my DS is a little less eager to discuss but thats the kind of embarassing mum i am!]
-i wouldnt stand for either of them bringing back one-night stands. id have had to meet the person several times beforehand for anyone to be allowed to stay over. if my children choose to have casual sex then that is entirely up to them, the lessons we learn in life from being 'wild' are important. also, one night stands arent neccessarily a bad thing if you are as comfortable within yourselves as my children are. but i personally do not want a virtual stranger sleeping in my house.

and if a child gets pregnant at 16, it can be for thousands of reasons, not just THEIR parents attitude.

PurplePeony:

"If, for example, your daughter had been dumped by her boyfriend in the middle of her A levels, and you had "encouraged" or validated their relationship by allowing them to have sex in your home, and given a passing teenage romance the same credibility as a more mature relationship, would you not have felt any regret, and possibly wished you had advised her to wait until she was older before having sex?"

i find this interesting. it is up to our children how they deal with their personal relationships, and if an A-level student was banned from doing it at home, i guarantee they would be doing it somewhere else.
speaking as a parent who's daughter was dumped in the middle of her A-levels by her boyfriend of two years. and yes, they slept in the same bed and to my knowledge were having sex. i went with her to get the pill as well, i do not think this makes me a bad parent. i think it lets your child make their own mistakes. i cannot protect my child from sex and heartbreak, and i wouldnt want to, as its her life.

Brit- okay you asked- here's the link to cervical cancer and age at first sex. This was certainly something I discussed with my DD and I am surprise d it is not common knowledge- the info has been around for ages.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/8420690.stm

www.bbc.co.uk/health/physical_health/conditions/in_depth/cancer/cervical_cancer.shtml

I think it is a debatable point whether we try ot influence our children's behaviour - if you continue the logic of your argument, would you also not try to stop your child trying heroin just because it was her life and she had to make her own mistakes?

There is a huge difference between either turning a blind eye, making it that bit harder to do somehting, and actually helping it to take place.

As to whether you can have a 'great' sex life if you only ever have one partner and wait until marriage, the answer is 'it depends on a huge variety of factors, like whether you and your partner happen to be compatible, whether the two of you have libidos at a similar level, and whether you are both willing to discuss sex, read about sex at least (if you don't like or approve of porn) to see if there are things you might like to do to make your own sex life better'

I do feel a little sorry for people who claim that only having one partner ever is great but then say that sex is unimportant anyway and they don't have it very often. Because that does imply to me that they are with a partner who either isn't interested in pleasing them sexually or they are both as inept and sexually ignorant as when they started, and have somehow convinced themselves that everyone who claims to love sex is fibbing.

HPV is the most common STD, I think something like 90% of US women have it. In the article you linked to it's not mentioned whether the fact that more affluent women are more likely to have regular smears and any early cervical changes treated before they turn into cancer had any bearing on the study results. It would seem it should have.

winny I thought it did take that into account?

The information doesn't focus on detection and treatment of cancer as far as i can see- it focuses on presence of HIV. Obviously there can be HIV infection before cancer develops, and I think that is what the study shows- that it can take decades for cancer to develop after first infection with HIV, which in most cases the person does not know they have.
They think the cervix is more vulnerable to cancerous changes the earlier in life a person is infected with HIV- and the HIV is symptomless- we all carry it can be passed on in toher ways other than just by penetrative sex.

SGB- I agree with 99% of that but i still say it's a bit like saying an Escort is the best car ever because it gets you from A to B without breaking down and it seems absolutely fine- then you might drive an Aston or a Ferrari and think "Oh , this is certainly different/better.!

There is a lot of skewed logic here- you can only say something is "the best" if you have had more than one of whatever it is. If you have only had 1 partner you can say it's good- as far as you can judge- but you cannot say it is better- or worse.

I think most people- continuing my metaphor- want to buy a car they have at least had test-drive in!

Hmm...yes, you're right, I think...but in any case it says that the two-fold increased risk can be 'largely' explained by how long you have carried the virus...there are other factors, as well. I am not saying that they are not right, but I would like to see the original study.

Oh, it's HPV, not HIV, Purple!

Purple - likewise though, you have never experienced a marriage between two people who have never been with anyone else and waited for their wedding night for sex.

It seems a bit one sided to say that because you haven't had multiple partners you don't know what your marriage is like. We could equally say that because you haven't experienced waiting and learning together you have missed out and don't know what we are experiencing.

p.s. LOL at HIV!

sorry- I meant HPV all along- typos.

Gracie: Well, no one can live another person's experience. And it's great when people's experiences and choices make them happy - but it's much more about random luck than any kind of inherent moral superiority attached to delaying sexual activity. For every couple who can honestly say that keeping their cherries till the wedding night has led to a happy life of sexual enjoyment within the holy matrimonial bed, you will find at least as many others who waited, had an embarrassing and unsatisfactory consummation and a sex life that never got much above embarassing and unsatisfactory till they split up.
That's if it didn;t degenerate rapidly into abuse, because another factor you sometimes get with the 'wait till the wedding' camp is the sort of 'traditional values' which are basic misogyny, and a view of sex as somethign which men need and women dislike but must control men's access to, so holy matrimonial sex consists of a weekly bout of her gritting her teeth and pulling her nightie up and him sticking his cock in and pumping till he pops. Unsurprisingly, she'll go off it, he'll either bully her into regular compliance or go off and get it elsewhere, and unless these people get a proper education themselves they will get even more shrilly insistent that sex is a Holy Sacrament and everyone else should do just what they did...

GracieIt seems a bit one sided to say that because you haven't had multiple partners you don't know what your marriage is like. We could equally say that because you haven't experienced waiting and learning together you have missed out and don't know what we are experiencing.

Of course you know what your marriage is like- but you don't know what sex with anyone else would be like. But that's the whole point- when you have your first experience you have been waiting and then learning together- to an extent. Just some people have the learning with more than 1 person!
If that's all you have had though you simply don't know if it's good or bad- relatively- you have nothing to compare it with.

Going back to the original post, I think it's taking a huge gamble to wait because sexual incompatability does exist as I said in my previous post ages back- I have experienced it.

It's also elevating sex to some kind of level which makes it horrendous if it goes wrong as you have so much emotion invested in it.

As I said ages back - it's just a body so why do you want to keep it under wraps when you are happy to s hare your mind before marrying- a much more intimate place IMO.

We waited, for a long time too since we met young. Sometimes wondered whether anyone else did/does - we kept it private so I'm sure our friends all think they don't know anyone who waited, which makes me wonder how many other couples there are out there who did wait but don't talk about it. We're not known for being a religious couple so nobody would guess. That said, we did do pretty much everything but, so I don't expect anyone to be wowed by my 'purity'! Was partly to do with my religious feelings but also mixed with the way I'd been brought up (which wasn't heavy-handed or strict... suppose I'm just impressionable); it didn't feel right to be doing anything that would risk pregnancy, and I liked the idea of saving something to be special for marriage.

Sexual compatibility was no big surprise as we had had a sex life if not a fully comprehensive one! I suppose we don't have completely raging sex drives all the time, since we did cope, but we certainly do have libidos... it caused the odd bit of strain to begin with since it was just me who wanted to wait, but our r/ship was v. good overall and still is, worth the wait! Dh was v. good about it all (and yes I am as sure as I can be that he wasn't getting it elsewhere!).