Finally confronted DH about the 'other woman'

[missmama]

I dont know where to start really. I think I have over reacted, but this has really upset and hurt me.

Its shitty crappy facebook.

DH has a friend who he has 'fallen in love' with. She lives on the other side of the world so their is no chance of them meeting so I do not have to worry about the physical side of things.
He spends all his time on the computer talking to her, discussing their feelings, writing her poetry.
They text each other all the time and send photos to each others phones.
He just doesnt have any time left for me. We have been together 22 years and have 3 DC's 12 9 and 16 months.
I have known about her for months but it has escalated since Christmas.
He sent her an expensive gold bracelet for valentines day, and then gave me an identical one for my birthday last month. He doesnt know I know about hers.

Because of the time difference they text a lot at night when he thinks I am asleep.
He lies in the bed next to me texting her and her texting back.
Saturday night I had had enough and half way through him doing this I got up out of bed and told him that I would sleep on the sofa as I was obviously in the way there.
He said he had no idea what I was talking about and as I went down the stairs I said that texting her from my bed was really not fair at all.
He stayed in bed for 10 mins and then came down and asked if I wanted a cup of tea!!!!!
I sent him back to bed and told him that I couldnt even look at him at the moment.
But after half an hour I went back up and woke him! to talk.
I asked him 2 questions and told him I didnt want him to answer them now but to think about it carefully.
I asked him to put himself in my position. How would he feel if it was me that was doing what he was doing. My words were, doing what you are doing or not doing, doing what I think you might be doing and then whatever it is that you are really doing.
I then asked him what it was that he wanted. What did he want to happen, what did he want me to do.
Then I left the room.

I slept on the sofa, he woke early but did not get up and facebooked with her for a while then got up about 11.
He came down and said sorry. But I dont know what for
We spoke later their were lots of tears on both sides and he asked me what I wanted. I said that I loved him very much and all I want is for him to be happy. Which is what I have been saying for months, but that I cannot carry on like this and he has to make a decision on what he wants. What I want is for him to love only me. He said that he didnt want to hurt me and that it had upset him thinking about the questions that I had asked, but he wasnt going to stop talking to this woman. But he would try harder to spend time and talk with me and the kids and try to be a nicer person.

So I am left in limbo. I dont want to leave him I do love him very much. Have I over reacted? is it just a fantasy for him?
I feel as though I am in the middle of throwing away my mariage for nothing.

I would tell the OW that you are ending your marriage over this, but only if she also is married.

He might NOT tell her, and as a result she will keep up the lovey dovey.

If she is married, it might put the fear in her, as she might be worried you will also find a way to tell her husband.

I would google her, and see if I could find out more first, if I were you...

I wonder if the OW has any idea of the real situation. She must feel very safe but powerful over there in Australia, with a distant man hanging on her every word, sending her poetry etc, expensive gifts. She probably never expects that it may become real and 'on her own doorstep'. I wonder if she tells her friends/family about it?

For that reason, it may be a good idea to contact her, just to give her a bit of a shake-up too.

So glad you have a plan of action - good luck.

sounds good missmama.

maybe take some advice about what to say to OW from some of the posters here who have been in your situation first.

you can guarantee that she'll plead ignorance anyway... think carefully about what it is that you want to achieve from speaking to her.

if it's to make her feel shit, there's probably better ways of doing it.

I wonder if the OW has any idea of the real situation. She must feel very safe but powerful over there in Australia, with a distant man hanging on her every word, sending her poetry etc, expensive gifts. She probably never expects that it may become real and 'on her own doorstep'. I wonder if she tells her friends/family about it?

For that reason, it may be a good idea to contact her, just to give her a bit of a shake-up too.

So glad you have a plan of action - good luck.

and please try to make time to try to de-stress.

if you have support, see if they'll watch the kids for a bit so you can go for a long walk to try to clear your mind.

if you have managed to get through the past few months with your sanity intact, you must have a lot of inner strength, so try to feel good about yourself- you are obviously a very strong, capable and emotionally intelligent woman. he's the weak one in this situation.

try to focus on YOUR wellbeing and what's good for YOU. don't make HIS feelings more important that yours.

I want to speak to the OW as I think it will give me a better feeling of control.
I dont think he has said a word of this to her. Apart from telling her Sunday morning that he was in the doghouse. But definitely not what about.

I want to tell her that this is going on and she has no idea about it.
I want her to worry that he will turn up. He has her adress after all

I can understand why you want to email OW, and I don't think it would do any harm if you did. I would calmly set out what has been happening and what the outcome is, that she has broken a marriage and he will now have to leave his family. However, I wouldn't engage in any further conversation with her, and to help me to be strong I would block her email address.

fair enough.

to be honest, i'd probably contact her myself if i were in your position.

i just think you need to think carefully about what to say.

great that you're taking control back!

Wouldn't you want to be there when they do lol

I know i probably shouldn't suggest this but if she is a gamer on fb you could set up a fake account and friend her?

I think sometimes there is nothing wrong with a relationship, as such, when a partner strays. After many years together it is easy (though not inevitable) to fall into a habit of thinking where the wife/husband is like a pair of favourite slippers: something that's always there for you, that makes life comfortable, but that you would never think of getting excited about. Then something new and naughty comes along and they feel alive in a way they'd forgotten how to. Passion and romance probably could be rekindled with the spouse, with a bit of work on both sides, but it doesn't occur to them. The comfort at home begins to feel a little smothering next to the attraction of the new toy.

What's the answer? Well, stop behaving like a pair of fluffy slippers, for a start, if you don't want to be popped in the cupboard. Make like a pair of kinky boots, and KICK ASS (if that isn't too flippant on a sad thread). You are more than a piece of his life, you are a separate human being with thoughts, feelings and needs. Silly fool needs reminding of that.

Mama, you said you haven't spoken to anyone, apart from this morning. Who did you speak to then?

Do you know if the OW is in a relationship or married?

Contacting the OW depends on your motives. If it's to get her to dump your H when she takes fright, his return to you would have been a forced choice. If it's to let her partner know what's been going on, or to calmly point out that she is willingly complicit in the destruction of your marriage, then those are perfectly reasonable motives.

I think there's an order necessary in your plan. The first step is telling him that he must leave. Leave him in no doubt about the physiological and psychological effects of his behaviour. Next speak to his sister and tell her everything. Next go to your GP - you need some help for those physical symptoms.

Also, I don't agree with this sentiment expressed downthread:

"To be honest, your relationship cannt in his eyes be that good, if he allowed himself to be carried away like this."

Unless what is meant by this is that your H is rewriting history in order to justify this relationship. Affairs are more often about the unfaithful party's character than the state of the primary relationship, hence they occur in happy marriages too.

It's very good to hear your more positive and active mood.

That business about "being in the doghouse" is interesting: he has dysfunctional communications with her, too (!) as I would say that was definitely a lie by omission. If you think about it, it's darkly funny that he may be leaving you, but is not headed for anything better

I spoke to his sister this morning. We are friends that dont see each other very often.
I told her everything. She has said to send him there when I ask him to leave. She is getting a key cut for him today.

I dont think the OW is married I dont know about a boyfriend though. She has told 2 friends about him who both think she is mad.

I am going to email her.
I like this sentence

• to calmly point out that she is willingly complicit in the destruction of your marriage.

That is what I want to do. But would not be able to put it like that.

If she is not married herself, she would not care if she is complicit in ruining somebody elses marriage. In fact, she might try get her claws in him, and even invite him over.

I would not give her another thought, to be honest. You contacting her might even give her a power surge, it might even really make her day! Some women are like that.

I agree wth QSnondomicile. I think that the ow and your h would enjoy conning over what you'd written to her, would get off on the drama...
I think whenwillifeelnormal's suggestion is a good one about steps to take today. Good luck.

missmama, so sorry you are going through this trauma.

Is it wrong of me to hope that he does turn up on her doorstep and she turns out to be, like, bedridden-style obese with bad skin and smelly breath etc.

I want to contact her for me not her.
I feel as though she is a loose end that needs tiding up.
He has not told her what stage we are at and she needs to know.
I dont want to get into a conversation with her. I just want to put her in a little envelope and post her off and tick her off the list.

tick the bitch off the list then.

main thing is, you're doing it for you.

let them get on with their dawson's creek-esque drama.

Write your letter to her. Then put it in a chest of drawers for a few days.

She is nothing to you. She made no vows to you. She owes you nothing. Your husband has strayed. Not her.
Speaking to her may not make you feel better. Personally, I would feel that my SILENCE and my refusal to even acknowledge her importance would make me feel in control.

Actually, I'm not sure she really is "a loose end that needs tiding up" and that you can "tick her off the list".

Clearly your H has been a giant arse but ultimately whether he stops speaking to her is up to your H and frankly I think you and him need to have some frank conversations about this situation. You can't control his behaviour but you can set clear expectations and control what you do.

So if you want to contact her, that's up to you but don't think that will be the end of the matter.

I agree that "some women are like that" but disagree that the OW owes Mama nothing. We all have a responsibility to behave decently to others and getting involved in an emotional affair with an attached person is indefensible. However, if I was right downthread that her concerns for your welfare were a charade to convince your H that she is "a decent sort really" then no doubt she is following the hackneyed OW script of taking no responsibility, because she didn't make any vows to you.

My main reservation about contacting her is that she will withdraw in a panic and your H will respond in this order. He will blame you, not her. He will be grief-stricken and like an addict removed from his fix. Once he's gone cold turkey for a while, he will start to come out of the withdrawal symptoms and realise what an arse he has been and then no doubt he will want to come back to you. But at what cost to you? And you'll never know whether he would have chosen you and re-committed by his own volition. I know you feel you want to hang on to him and your marriage, but just stop and think at what price? Would you ever be able to rationalise that he would have come to his senses of his own accord if you hadn't stepped in? And at what price your mental and physical health?

The very best action for you is to get him to come to this decision on his own - and away from the comfort of his own home. He needs to face reality and some hard talking from a wise sister who will pull no punches is a good start. I'd rather the reality for him involved a bedsit and no home comforts (please try and persuade SIL not to mother him and make him do his own laundry) but he needs to resolve this properly.

hi MM,

good you could catch a few zzzz. I think your decisions sound very levelheaded and well thought through. I'm sorry you felt under attack, I guess it's hard to get all those responses when your head is spinning and the enormity of his deceit hits home.

Again, you are not to blame for any of it and you cannot and should not take responsibility for his actions.

As I said in a previous post and as blinks wrote so well above. Don't hold onto him for now, at this moment you have to let him go and make his own mistakes. If you release him now and tell him to pack his bags you allow reality to hit him hard, most likely followed by intense disappointment that his fantasies were just that, an illusion.

Tell his family coz I tell you what: No man is an island. They will heap the shit onto him for doing the dirty on you and your dc.

Let him and the OW tear each other apart under the guilt, the loss of his children, his home & his comfort zone. Let him miss you!

He'll be back with his tail between his legs. At least then you are in a stronger position and will command his respect and you get to choose if you still want him.

I think that by putting the focus on the other woman you are losing sight of the real issue. The other woman could be anyone - if she goes away another could take her place.

I don't think going into attack mode with the other woman would achieve anything particularly useful, it could even make things worse.

What are the real issues here? Your partner is treating you with a complete lack of respect. If the other woman goes away, will the respect return?

I would think very hard about what you want and how you can improve your relationship with your partner, if that is what you want.

I wouldn't expend a lot of energy on a third party. How can you retain your dignity in this situation? That is what would bother me most - that my partner couldn't even be bothered to try to keep it secret.

QSnondomicile mentioned it earlier btw: I don't think I would contact the OW. Remain mysterious and don't have any contact with her. Some women are very competitive and she sounds like the sort who might enjoy seeing you struggle for words, exposing your weakness. Stear clear of her, glad her friends think she's a nutter.

Do not feed her emotionally!! Remain aloof, she's nothing but a speck of dirt on your shoe, if not her then someone else.

xpost with poodie. Also second what WWIFN above. "My main reservation about contacting her is that she will withdraw in a panic and your H will respond in this order. He will blame you, not her. He will be grief-stricken and like an addict removed from his fix."

Also as WWIFN said: let him toughen it out by himself, outside his comfort zone, pref. have SIL not let him into her house.