Finally confronted DH about the 'other woman'

[missmama]

I dont know where to start really. I think I have over reacted, but this has really upset and hurt me.

Its shitty crappy facebook.

DH has a friend who he has 'fallen in love' with. She lives on the other side of the world so their is no chance of them meeting so I do not have to worry about the physical side of things.
He spends all his time on the computer talking to her, discussing their feelings, writing her poetry.
They text each other all the time and send photos to each others phones.
He just doesnt have any time left for me. We have been together 22 years and have 3 DC's 12 9 and 16 months.
I have known about her for months but it has escalated since Christmas.
He sent her an expensive gold bracelet for valentines day, and then gave me an identical one for my birthday last month. He doesnt know I know about hers.

Because of the time difference they text a lot at night when he thinks I am asleep.
He lies in the bed next to me texting her and her texting back.
Saturday night I had had enough and half way through him doing this I got up out of bed and told him that I would sleep on the sofa as I was obviously in the way there.
He said he had no idea what I was talking about and as I went down the stairs I said that texting her from my bed was really not fair at all.
He stayed in bed for 10 mins and then came down and asked if I wanted a cup of tea!!!!!
I sent him back to bed and told him that I couldnt even look at him at the moment.
But after half an hour I went back up and woke him! to talk.
I asked him 2 questions and told him I didnt want him to answer them now but to think about it carefully.
I asked him to put himself in my position. How would he feel if it was me that was doing what he was doing. My words were, doing what you are doing or not doing, doing what I think you might be doing and then whatever it is that you are really doing.
I then asked him what it was that he wanted. What did he want to happen, what did he want me to do.
Then I left the room.

I slept on the sofa, he woke early but did not get up and facebooked with her for a while then got up about 11.
He came down and said sorry. But I dont know what for
We spoke later their were lots of tears on both sides and he asked me what I wanted. I said that I loved him very much and all I want is for him to be happy. Which is what I have been saying for months, but that I cannot carry on like this and he has to make a decision on what he wants. What I want is for him to love only me. He said that he didnt want to hurt me and that it had upset him thinking about the questions that I had asked, but he wasnt going to stop talking to this woman. But he would try harder to spend time and talk with me and the kids and try to be a nicer person.

So I am left in limbo. I dont want to leave him I do love him very much. Have I over reacted? is it just a fantasy for him?
I feel as though I am in the middle of throwing away my mariage for nothing.

I am so sorry missmama. It's adultery. He's having a serious affair, and you are letting him. This cannot go on. You MUST give him an ultimatum -- the OW or you and the family. If he refuses to choose, he must move out.

UA...whats going on??

Hello, missmama.

Now that you have had the shock of a whole lot of people telling you that this is awful and abnormal and cruel behaviour, it might be time for you to turn to the idea that you are an idiot for having put up with it, and to be ashamed.

However, if we all went thought life on our guard against our dearest, life would be grim and intolerable. Yes, he is being cruel to you, but you kept your faith until it was shattered. Now you are disoriented, as it really is hard to understand how someone could be so uncaring and cruel. This transition is what you are going through, and there should be no shame in not having gone through it before. You did not go through it before because you are a normal human being and that is the way to behave.

Please, do keep that in mind when reading all these other very helpful and (largely) supportive posts.

Nothing is going on and I am fine. I am struggling to believe OP that's all. But yr right. I will go away but all love to MNtters

don't be flmaed and embarrassed. People handle situations so differently. I know if I wrote here about some of the things I have experienced or done, no one would believe it. Nevertheless it would be true.

I'm finding it all a bit hard to swallow too, but only because I can't understand how any woman ( or man) would put up with behaviour like that from their partner, but then again, UA, your troubles seemed far removed from reality at times too, because your situation was so horrendous.

Shocking and awful things do happen in relationships unfortunately and people put up with all sorts of terrible things that would seem unbelievable to most of us, my own sister's story would seem like total fiction.

Missmama what is happening to you is cruel and unforgivable.

Your suspicion/knowledge of his deception will eat away at you, I know from experience.

My stbexh used to txt OW constantly, when I was in the room, while we were on holiday with DC. I didn't know at the time found out later, he always said it was work!!

Take time. Seek peace. And love yourself and dc. X

Thank you to everybody that has been suportive today and is helping me get through this.
I have only just managed to get back on the PC

I felt under attack by some of the latest posts and now feel I have to prove it is all true, even though I wish wish wish it wasnt.

I am starting to feel that it is my fault again that you are all putting the blame on me for not stopping it sooner I am going to have to leave this for now before I send myself mad

missmama I think it's really sad that you have said repeatedly how much you love your dh and don't want to leave and yet so many people won't respect that and try to make you feel that it's the only acceptable course of action.

In my opinion we could best help by coming up with ideas for making him see the error of his ways.

I really believe that he doesn't see why what he's doing is wrong when he hesn't had sex with this woman and has no intention of doing so. It's an emtional affair, for sure, but it's not adultery.

'making him see the error of his ways'

missmama - those who are "putting the blame on you" are not doing that - they are trying to get you to take your head out of the sand it is in and see that this man, the one who is supposed to be your life partner, the father of your DC who is supposed to love you and his family, is royally screwing you over.

And your willingness to do anything to keep him is giving him a loud message that he can continue to behave like an irresponsible teenager because you are just going to take it.

Sex is only one part of a relationship - he has forged a relationship with another woman in every way apart from the physical and you are NOT ok with it - so why do you want to let him continue?
You have told him it hurts you - he has said he's "sorry" for that but he's not going to stop.
He has no respect for you or your feelings.
None for the family.

Tell me, what exactly are you trying to hang onto here? Because whatever you thought it was has gone.

You have the choice now of:

1. living in this godawful situation, probably in fear of him packing his bags and scooting over to the other side of the world (he wouldn't be the first to do it), or even if he doesn't leave, he is investing all his time and energy in another woman! But still has you to do his skivvying etc.
2. giving him an ultimatum - "her or me, you can't have both".

If he is a decent enough man who is only playing at having an affair (which it is), then it might be the necessary bucket of cold water to bring him to his senses. Or he might leave (doubt it, tbh).

Do you let your DC treat you as they please as well? Because this is the message you are giving them - it's ok to do what you like to me because I love you and I will take whatever crap you throw at me and still take more, even though I am crying and dying inside but anything is better than you leaving me.

Sorry missmama this is not ony adultry it is pyscological torture.

You need out of this relationship - even if only a 'break'. To give you both some distance and clarity.

missmama- no-one is MAKING you feel that you are to blame. you obviously feel overwhelmed and immobilised by fear and that's understandable, given how horrible the situation is.

it's not about other people judging you for not taking action. we don't know you and your husband. he may well have acted very respectfully towards you up to this point in your relationship. i can see why you would WANT to stay with him and want to fight to save your relationship.

HOWEVER.

sometimes, in circumstances such as these, by trying too hard to stop something from happening, you're actually adding to the problem. you are now enabling the situation to continue by relaxing your standards of what is acceptable behaviour in a relationship to such an extent.

he doesn't need a letter to tell him what he's doing is wrong. he's a grown man who KNOWS what he's doing is wrong. he sees you putting up with it and takes this as acceptance because although you're clearly upset with him, you're still WITH him.

your biggest fear in all of this is clearly losing him but although he might be physically present, emotionally, he's gone. the only chance you have of getting him back is to let him fuck it all up. the alternative is to continue monitoring him and driving yourself mad.

Agree with Blinks - he has already 'gone'. You are getting nothing positive from this relationship.

I really think you need to tell him to move out.

All this relationship is doing is lowering your self esteem.

The move out does not have to be the 'final end'. But it might make him realise what he has to loose and it will help build your self esteem again - if you take some control of the situation.

Dont tell him though at this stage that it is not a final split - just pack his bags - Do not discuss anything any further with him uptil you have had some space.

Btw have been through something similar - and i know it is so so hard when your self respect and esteem is in the gutter. I was too embaressed to even talk to best friends and family. It was only once I eventualy broke down and told friends what was happening that I gained enough strength to act.

Have you told friends or family?

furious, no, predictably this has all been kept a secret

no wonder OP's mental and physical health is suffering badly

missmama,

you previously wrote:-

"I don't want to split up with him. That is the last thing I want"

Why do you think that?. Were you previously conditioned by others (your parents say) to think that?. You worried about the perceived "shame" and "embarrassment" all this brings on your family unit?. As for the marriage vows; well he has well and truly vomited over those by his actions.

If you truly believe the above then you have signed your own emotional death warrant; he started the process of emotionally destroying you by continuing his emotional affair and you're going to finish your own self off here. It is actually selfish to cling onto something that is to all intents and purposes a dead relationship and is very indicative of you having low self worth. You will likely end up having a nervous breakdown if you carry on and he is NOT worth that. Who would look after your kids then?. He is not worth sacrificing your emotional happiness over and if you go down without a fight your children will do so too.

Your children will learn from you far more damaging lessons if you stay within this than if you were to get out of it. Infact they have already learnt quite a lot of damaging stuff already. Where do you think we learn about relationships from?.

People, not least of all you, are already being hurt here; your role now is to limit any further damage to you and your children by separating from him. I never write that lightly.

Hi I am back again.
I have slept a little and made some decisions. And feel a little better about things than I did last night.

I 'knew' you were all not putting the blame on me, it was just how I felt, overwhelmed, exhausted and scared. A few hours away from the computer and a real life conversation have helped.

1. Speak to his sister, tell her everything
2. Email the other woman tell her it looks as though he has chosen her. What is she going to do about it?

3 Tell him to pack a bag and leave. Even though I dont want him to leave us, time on his own will help him think and realise the reality of the situation.

No I have not spoken to anybody at all about any of this, apart from this morning, I am embarrassed by it all of all things

Sleep always helps, glad you have a plan. hope you have a good day.

I am late to this thread.
I think you are right in kicking him out. It will get it into perspective for him.

Emotional affairs can be as devastating and consuming as "real" affairs. Especially as there is no actual physical outlet, the longing can be extreme, as it hightens the emotions. I would expect that the nature of the texts are rather explicit, and "cybersex" is not unusual in these kind of situations. I would not be surprised if it has moved from facebook to the "privacy" of msn.

To be honest, your relationship cannt in his eyes be that good, if he allowed himself to be carried away like this.

Only YOU know if it is worth rebuilding your relationship after this. But I dont think he will be keen to let her go, unless he is forced to realize the gravity of the situation, that he is to lose his home, and his wife over a silly internet fling with some woman who never expect him to actually show up on her doorstep - she most likely never would have wanted that.

It's good that you have had some sleep. Making some decisions about how to move forwards is a really positive step. By changing the way you think about the situation, you are already doing more than you thought possible 24 hours ago. You'll get some great support on here - just take it one little step at a time.

Good for you. Give him a choice and some space so he has a chance of seeing through the fog. More to the point, give yourself some space. If when you have had some time to yourself and gained some support in RL if you then decide you want to rebuild your marriage and family I. and many others here, will try and support you via MN. If you decide the pain is too great to love and trust him again everyone here will understand.

You need to take care of yourself and dc before making decisions. This means standing up a little for what you need and want. Xxxx

Sounds like a good plan - except for emailing the ow - I would not dignify her with contact. There is nothing to gain in getting into debate with her.

Is his sister likely to be a support to you? You need to be telling your friends and family so they can support you.

I know all about the embaressment factor my xdh had an emotional that turned into a physical affair with a woman he met on a computer game! I was mortified. But it is him that has behaved badly. Once you start talking to people you trust some of the weight will be lifted - honestly.

Missmama, am thinking of you today.
Please don't be embarrassed about his behaviour, let him explain to people what an utterly sad twonk he is. Thank you so much for posting - you've made me realise a few things that I really needed to...